10.28.2004

little engine that could



it is so different being a child and knowing what and who you believe in. even as a child when i would do something wrong the cushion seemed far more greater. i had my mom and dad's arms, their home, some really wonderful food or a nice big back yard, to fall back on. god's love seemed so much easier to grasp or readily available. there was no thinking about the hindrance as a temptation. i would either lie or sneak or i wouldn't. there weren't the complex thought processes of today. the sin was cut and dry. clean as a whistle. my sin has become so much more complicated. my need for christ is greater than it used to be. when i was a child i relied on my mom and dad's relationship with god and my faith grew around theirs. my faith became an addition.

yesterday i happened to call the 45 on my way to my aunt's home. he mentioned his weariness, irritability, poor eating, and smoking (black n blacks) as a result of sleep deprivation. he expressed a sincere concern for not only his physical health but for his mental and spiritual as well. he asked me if i would make a concerted effort to pray for him every day. he has always been concerned about hereditary heart disease, but he's carrying the stress of making a life in honolulu. he must work quite often so as to save money for a future apartment, future trips, and the future period! it's not enough for him to just want to get enough sleep or want to eat right or want to stop smoking as much. but it is quite enough for him to acknowledge god in his life. but he knows that he needs the support of others and the prayers of others. he is also beginning to understand that he can't control his life no matter how hard he trys. there is nothing he can do to get more rest or get more money. he can ask god to free him of the burden of having to do it all by himself.

it was a conversation that reminded me that sin grows in us if we let it. i suppose really the sin is always there, sense birth, we just become more and more aware of it all. my sin can seem insurmountable at times, as kate put it; we revert back to the sin as if it were the cushion.
Sometimes when I spend to much time thinking about myself I lose perspective and become what I hate to be--an antisocial-selfish-jerk-girl. Now I can really get into why I feel this way but I won't, I've just been having a tough time overcoming differences in others lately without feeling a bit grimacy. Just when I turn 28 years old I feel like I'm 16 all over again.
i am glad i'm no longer a child. i'm praying that aging makes facing my sin a little bit easier. that my heart will be humbled a little bit more each year that goes by. i think that god uses our physical weariness/appearance to show us our deep desire for him. it is not until i am so exhausted or sick that i am desperately grasping in prayer for his grace and mercy in my life. the 45 is definitely feeling the desperation. i believe that god refines me in the midst of my weakness so that i might be made free and strong in him. i am fortunate to have a support system of believers around me to encourage and pursue faith with me. it's something i have hated in the past, now i know. i am thankful for what god is doing in my life through others like the 45 and kate. through your lives i see christ.

1 comment:

katieK said...

Jos and I pray for Jas45 everyday before bed.