bb gun

ugh this morning has been treacherous. i couldn't have had a more tenuous experience. if there's a threat of me going crazy about anything, it'll be because of the healthcare system, first and foremost. McDonald's chickens, Alaskan whales, and our prized celebrity's baby names receive more attention and acknowledgement than our own health and welfare. as a tried and true american i am force-fed, to neglect all intellect and self respect for the sake of my superiors, as listed above. humanity no longer calls itself human. it is a suffocation that creeps up on you, the reason that, possibly, andy couldn't stand 'finding neverland.' because we are incapable of appreciating, even the nothing we live in, the nothing we live for. the nothing that's been given to us, that we chose to accept. the lack of concern for others, the explosive desire for "my rights" to be heard and legislated. a motivation warped by immorality, but worse. a hundred thousand bb guns going off piercing my eyes and heart.

and at this point in the early afternoon i'm not as mad as i was. this is a timid attempt at trashing existence, hope and the american dream. do you realize that no matter where you are, who you try it with, how much you fight, democracy is difficult to pull off? i'm not even able to pull democracy off in myself, much less lead others. so why are we so angry at g.w.b for the war in iraq. we're at war in our own country over how to conduct true democracy. it wouldn't matter who was president. no one could convince me otherwise that bush/kerry has an upper hand, sovereign knowledge. what happened to taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, words, and thoughts? why do you need a government?

i will be a hypocrite, that is without question. one thing i have learned is that i am guilty of making my own rules and breaking my own rules. to me that's the purest fruition of freedom.

today my issues are: (in the so called news)

burt and ernie are gay along with spongebob and dora the explorer.

selling adopted children back to the country they came from.


suicidal self centered trainwrecks (literally)

conda rice: what has your secretary of state done for you lately?

health insurance companies, drug manufacturing companies, drug companies, drug company funded grants/foundations for 'their' drug replacement programs, medicare

tomorrow is a free jairus show @ tbones. yeehaw. there's a free dj for and hr show at the nation of cat's house every night.

got a beautiful little sweater in the mail from hillary that'll be making into something: pillow, purse or eden poncho maybe.

thanks moocho hill, if you're out there reading my mumbo gumbo.

this weekend i'll be compiling the trade for you, hill and hope.


purr-fect paper

never shall i slumber. i may not be an origami master, but surely i'm a paper warrior. last night i couldn't sleep at all and i gave up television's reality for the miraculous machine. "your life is a blessing." i have had amazing success with the paint chips and feel the piece coming together. i set aside my painting and felt the need to sew the night away. i think i may have irritated my neighbor above or he has heavy feet. my machine is so small but on the counter it must vibrate a bit. after working with stitches i never want to go back to the sticky, mark making glue. the monochromatic shades of blue and green paint chips with yellow and light green stitches. how amazing. i have never done anything like this before and have been waiting for this day.

when i finally decided to go to bed, i ended up tossing and turning for an hour. all the while projects swarming around my mind's eye. a little over a year ago i went to jazzy junk on rossville blvd with my aunt. i was fortunate enough to find an old taffy box full of even older black and white photos, a hundred at least and for only twelve dollars. what an amazing find, a fantastic medium, but i couldn't think of a way to utilize them. i originally thought of creating a family tree out of them and very nearly organized them chronologically. it was a wonderful task, taking time to inspect facial features and pencil scrawled notes around the edges. suddenly before drifting off i thought of sewing a family tree together. i'd love to use silver thread and possibly do a tree design. if a tree doesn't work out i'll do a simple square and sew the tree, with leaves and such over the photos, in corners. i think it sounds like a suitable next project.

collage with paper is limitless. i don't think i'll ever run out of material. hey guys, martha stewart is having a huge sale, 70% off. i took a looksy, very picked over but a few things maybe of interest. someone told me that the magazine will be ending. does anyone know if that is true or not. i'm too this way in denial to research.

valentines is right around the corner too. oooh can't wait.


remembering mae


transistor with dj for an hour

i am fiending for new and improved photos, i've taken them, but they are floating in the camera. i also have got to get to the north chattanooga playground at night to take some photos. last night i should of, but it was way to cold and tonight is julia's home. so maybe later on this week i'll have an opening.

last night i was ultra-successful at sewing at least fifty odd paint chips together in a semi-quilt design. rally round the europro. it's a trooper of a machine. handling several widths of paper and my pulling, pushing, unpracticed hand. i couldn't take a nap last night after work. my nerve endings were fragmented from work, as usual. i had had an interesting discussion with one of my coworkers and it left me feeling peeked and faint from the mental exertion and emotional pentup-ness. i am not an experienced billing/insurance person. i don't want to do things the same way they've always been done. i don't have direction or support. there is no accountability and i will make some off the wall decisions. but i do feel i am a rookie and that there is too much for me to learn in a day. i feel that i am expected to know things that there's really no way in hell i could have known. oh well. i will prepare to leave when all is well with the software. i know that i keep saying that but it's oh so very true. no one can stop me. hahahaha...

i've got to keep in mind that all will be fine in the end. with cvs around the corner and feeling more and more hopeful about 4Bridges. everyday i consider the possiblilities of having an acceptance letter. oh and back the paint chip quilt. it is absolutely beautiful. i'm debating a yellow threaded sunshine or something less realistic. this past weekend i got good deal of advice from my friend phillip about the painting i was working on. i didn't go to church on sunday and kept hunting up solutions for the painting. finally by midnight i was eager to hang it and let it get cold for a while. too much energy was passing right through it and all that was sticking was the negative moves. so it's ahangin'. and i like it but it does need more sprucing and tweaking.

i ended up having an after party for andrew stewart at my house on saturday evening, which turned out to be a blast. i'm thinking that if the 4Bridges doesn't come together i may have my own exhibit opening in my own home. advertise the selling of art, send out invites et cetera et cetera. would you come? and did you know that i have more cards for sale. you'll have to trust me on their looks. eventually i'll have a photo up of them. but seriously boys and girls there's enough to go around. thank you for your continued prayers. i feel the uplifting hands of god around my heart and mind each day.


of goldfish and frost

i keep meaning to get here and yesterday i was, but in an instant my perfectly good blog disappeared in a server disconnect. you all have had the same exact problem at one point or another, so there is no need for me to go into my sheer frustration and disappointment.

in other news i am discovering the newest challenges and embracing them. i had quite a nice weekend and here i am again about to enjoy another. friday evening, was my joan of Arcadia night, as usual. i am snarling because i saw previews for next week and the show will feature hillary duff (the puff). teeniebopper heaven. saturday was incredible, i spent the day painting and added the next two canvases to the original two. i worked again last night and i am finding the light at the end of the tunnel. ah guys i really think it is going to be a beautiful piece, but i am still concerned about framing it when all is said and done. i have a couple of ideas, but we shall see. i need a good healthy critique though and i asked my art student friend if he'd be willing to help. i am still waiting, almost impatiently to hear word from AVA regarding the 4Bridges. i wish the wait hadn't been this prolonged. it's a huge fest and i understand that the jurors need time, but my god i had to have the slides in, back on november 19, 2004. after i finish this painting i'm off on a new idea, actually i've gotten a couple. i started a quilt of paper, two actually and i hope to have those finished soon. i also want to finish my clipboard paintings and i have my cards and a box collage.

holy matrimony, a list would be helpful, but not today.

i also have been blessed to be invited to an all female bible study on tuesday evenings. ah i think it is going to be incredible. we are going to study jerry bridges trusting god. i am so excited and feel that i've been asking or desiring something like this for a very long time. i have been in small groups before and felt dissatisfied. i believe the all female thing is really going to provide relational stability and guidance. i also hope to hear new things, learn new things and pray for others like never before. i am so thankful for my coworker/friend carolyn "in the city," she's the one who has the friend julia who is leading the study. julia is forty five years old, never been married, lives alone, craftsy and artsy, psycho-therapist @ valley. moved around a thousand times. and was called by god to come to chattanooga to minister to her sister.

even if i am a small goldfish i'm not going to let the size of my bowl prevent me from becoming a bigger goldfish. i'm looking forward to making my way through these times. my break up with jas is still prevalent in my mind and on my heart. our distance may help us in the end, but overall it is difficult to let go. sometimes it is easier than others. i am confident of my choices and decision. i know that god wants for the me the desires of my heart and that a husband and children are not wrong for me to want. i also know that god wants me to have financial peace and restitution with those whom i owe moolah to. i know that god's will for my life is brighter than my view of my future. i know and believe in his ultimate plan for my life. use me lord for your glory. i have many things to look forward to.

josiah's second birthday, a trip to new jersey to see the grandparentals and the development of relationships through the bible study. Hooray. and possible snow. please i want to see the snow. frost isn't going to cut it.


button bounty

i was reminded by the button bounty that i myself have, as i was looking at hillary lang's new collection. i've never done anything extremely creative with my buttons except for pile them all in a very large vase. it took me forever one evening to separate them all by color and place them from white/clear to black in the vase. i'd love to attach the buttons somehow to my cards, but so far i've not figured out a clean way of sewing paper. i was practicing regularly but had to put the europro away for sunday afternoon dinner with the fam.

tomorrow i decided to take a vacation day. i need the day to take care of the rest of my financial obligations. i won't be sleeping in, but i may have the opportunity later in the afternoon to get a concrete part time job. today has been difficult facing the odds and ends. tying up the corners. i talked with two different cvs managers and they don't seem to have anything open immediately. i'm going by the parentals tonight and i should stop by the rivermont and bilo cvs just to fill out applications. i'm not the waitress type and i think i'm fairly over the babysitting. it doesn't make enough money. unfortunately. i'm hoping and praying that i get into 4Bridges, the wait is killing me. i've got probably 90 cards to sell, but i really must perfect the stitch.

but i do have one note of good news. my mom asked me if i wanted to go up to new jersey in february to visit my nana specifically, but i hope to see mommom and pops, uncle robert and shelly. i'm looking forward to a short vaca to the north. peterpan bakery here i come. yummy.



noelle alexander christmas 2004

this morning as usual i woke up at quarter o' eight and made a pot of 10% blended kona coffee. i was watching katie couric, flipping between her with school children and diane sawyer in sri lanka. michael moore was with katie this morning talking, blubbering, bemoaning the democratic blight. for the last two months moore has spent his time in the media complaining that the democrats 'have got to find "their arnold".' i find michael moore to be disgusting, not because of his films or because of his political poisonings, but because he should run for president. because he should find the path of least resistance and rescue himself. moore seems to be shaming the democratic party lines. his words are just as familiar as kerry's. it's as though moore thinks the political scene is a forum for his maniacal ranting and raving. most of what he said this morning was unintelligent. the suggestion that tom hanks, oprah winfrey or hillary should run for president is rather a degrading remark to the united states citizens. he must think we all, democrats and republicans alike, are just plain retarded. it is continuously frustrating for me to hear and view people on television who think of themselves as having a voice for the nation. jas once told me that bernie mac got on television and said that "speaking for me and my people g.w. bush is not worth voting for..." i'm not so sure the quote is necessarily word for word but the idea that one man could stand up and speak for his people that way, and get away with it... if i were a black man, whether i agreed with bernie mac or not, i would say, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF! so i'm saying, "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF MOORE!"

i appreciate his political documentaries, but getting on TODAY with ole katie doesn't speak volumes. try running moore. try running moore.

oh well katie couric makes me sick anyway. what do i expect? i'm interested in keeping up with the political scene, though it has dried up considerably post election stay-tus. last night though i got out to hobby lobby for paint. i need paint so badly and fortunately for me it was forty percent off the regular cheaper price. i also bought some different kind of origami paper and learned how to make a cute little basket. so now i'm off from the workforce thinking about evening projects.


oh if only

i was just skipping around the www, checking and rechecking out all of my favorites when to my gleeful surprise i found every-single-day an amazing quilt artist's blog and site. i was scrolling through some of her archives and came across this photo of an incredible quilt.. can you believe it? i have been wanting to make collages out of paper, sewing together the bits and pieces, but staying with my whole pixelated thing.
more from melanie below.

this is a book that i got at blueskies before christmas. it reminded me of the griffin and sabine trilogy by nick bantock. and a little of being john malkovich.
i think you may enjoy the art and ideas of ">postal seance: a scientific investigation into the possibility of a postlife postal existence. authored by henrik drescher.

look at all the cool stuff you get, stickers and stuff at the end of the book. horray!

more work from angry woebot too.

oh if only i had a domain
oh if only i had a chain
oh if only i had a vein
oh if only i had a crane
oh if only i had a drain
oh if only i had a pain
oh if only i had a plane
oh if only i had a spain
oh if only i had a gain
oh if only i had a cane
oh if only i had a lane
oh if only i had a...

babysitting blunders


right before xmas i was busy babysitting, now the secretive shopping, office parties, and sunday morning brunches are over, so there's no need for me. i've decided by the process of elimination that getting another part time job might be the solution to my small financial margin. it will have to be the solution. honestly i have no other choice unless of course i begin to sell all of my belongings on the sidewalk. i'm not interested in ebay nor is babysitting, or my art a stable supplement. i went last night to cvs to fill out an application. i worked at cvs for three years as a pharmacy tech and shift manager about three and half years ago. i enjoyed the work but when my present job opened up to me, my sister n law and mother really pushed me to make this move. i am so thankful that i overcame the fear and applied. i am hoping that this part time thing will indeed work out and i won't have to struggle as much financially.

i have not fiercely approached my finances and my dad has agreed to help hold me accountable. it has always been a struggle for me even after giving much prayer and thought towards the difficulty. i believe that god has been merciful with me in this primary situation, but i also know that i should be obeying and submitting. i have felt alone in this area for many many years. i have thought that having a spouse might resolve the issue, but alas i am without a prospect in that area. i know that god desires ultimate financial peace and that he doesn't want me to put my faith in the immediate gratification of spending. i have blundered in my own inability and have no one else to blame but myself. until i moved into the grand and had a brand new car i didn't have as much of a struggle, but now i am without extra moolah to help me. this is definitely a new year of learning and growing. i am no longer able to avoid or deny adulthood, nor do i want to. i think i find myself so often in libo. i am solo, and in a profession, but have not got the family thing going on. i am grateful for all that i have and more. i am in a great position to do a whole lot, but there are other things that i want to share and enjoy.

i know my feelings are commonly and familiar to some of those out there. i honestly have not one thing to complain about. i am encouraged by what i see in my life and have no reason to live in shame. i will take off, i will leave the legacy, i will not bow to negative thoughts about my life and what i am doing. i will trust and obey, simply.


coin operated

we usually get so many gift baskets at work right before the holidaze that i end up feeling like a "starving overeater." every once in a while a nice basket is sent with fruit and muffins, tins of cookies and chocolate and 'gourmet' lemon poppy seed cheese thingys. i was fortunate to snag this beautiful pear, a treasure when ripe.

on tuesday night i went to lamar's with m.k.d, when i got home i felt ill and fell out of bed and busted my face on my nightside table. so on wednesday i felt completely horrible so i called in sick at work. thursday was a scheduled half day so i worked with a very swollen lip. its been a very embarrassing experience. but i know it was an accident too. thursday evening was a night with the parentals. and friday was new years eve, but i decided to spend the evening at home. i went and helped my brother ethan clean his office space. in the evening i watched wilco's documentary by sam jones, i am trying to break your heart. i thought the second dvd with extra/internal features was more entertaining than the actual film, but very informative, considering i didn't know what kind of crisis the band had been in with reprise records.

new years day i woke up early. i went to eat with k. knutson at sticky fingers, then we went and saw closer. the movie as i understood prior to seeing, was not entertaining. interesting and brutally honest, but probably not that realistic. i liked that it was originally a play and so the scenes were longer and filled with dialogue. poor natalie portman, poor julia, poor jude, poor other dude. if i were to act in a movie like closer or even eyes wide shut (which i've never seen), i think my personal life would suffer. i don't think i could immerse myself in a role so diluted for months on end and know how to be in a intimate relationship. its no wonder that celebrities fall apart.

one thing i do want to mention here at the beginning of the new year is a interest my mom has exposed me to. you may hate george w. bush but his council on bioethics is interesting no matter what. my mom got the 'beyond therapy (enhancement)' part. i guess you can order the discussions in book form off the site. i'm not scared, but based on my beliefs, there are issues that are underlying that have nothing to do with the war, abortion, healthcare, welfare or whose smarter. i'm sorry as i enter this new year i'm not interested in dehumanizing humanity by supporting, cloning, life extension, mood control, memory erasing, et cetera. it's worth looking at seriously. i've not even spent any real time looking but i know what i see that's already going on.