missing innocence

if it were not for the small moments when the world grows silent at night before i drift off to sleep, i might not think of anything but myself. i have often thought that my greatest fear was that of being me, myself, and i. though i have found that my greatest weakness is pride. fear is driven by pride in this orphan steam engine heart and soul of mine. i am shocked and horrified by...

i had started writing this entry back at the end of may, when i thought all was going well enough. but today i feel as though the waves have crashed back down upon me. there is not an end to the issues with the new software here at the workforce. i have thought to throw my hands up, but do not feel as though i have my mind enough nor hands to even do so. i have spoken so often with the software company that i feel my voice is growing smaller and smaller by the minute and my initial roar is now a annoying din like whir. shwoosh. how i am i supposed to move forward when my legs are no longer apart of my body. i feel the grey hairs on my head plotting the war against the dwindling brown. i am so sad because i feel so old and so tired and haven't thought of anything more ridiculous than the occassional tear welling up under my eyelids. it's pathetic i know. i hate feeling a self centered ness cropping up like a wild fire on the back of my brain. in the center of my heart i know that his grace is overwhelmingly sufficient for me. i am blessed to be a witness of his power to redeem whatever is wrong inside and outside of my mind and heart right now.

geez, do the waves ever stop? i am sure, completely positive that this wave will end and another will arise and by that time i'll have forgotten all about this time in my life. it's a second of hours, days and years that amount to my entire life. i believe that the situation with my co worker has slight ly resolved itself. i do not know how or when or why, but there is now mutual conversation that began this past friday. she was pleasant and offered her leftover frenchfries. i suppose it could be because i was actually the only one in the office at the time, but nonetheless the tiny blessing are there, even if i am blind to them the majority of the time.

i have had some nice off times from work. i have made no artistic progress whatsoever. i am the blahgrahblah. although i felt extremely encouraged by my times with kate, lil josiah j, and eden b, this past sunday. i mostly want to have a little bit of a baby to tote around with me. step of the workforce track and start up this procreation station, but who the hell knows a good man? i don't think there are any. honestly. and i'm not worried about bashing the good ones who are already married. i think i missed my boat to sri lanka to pick homes out of the mud. or i must've missed the college or bust op to find that man of my dreams. i don't have the time too much. what with these two freakin jobs and all. i am glad i've got a second job, i don't about getting another paycheck from all uoha for awhile. the software isn't bringing us any money any time soon.

please send the furitive prayers this a way. i cannot be without a good paying job, because of a decision i made to have new software put in the office.


my guy trends

is it me or are we as a culture diluting? watering down the most beautiful things in life. over prescribing, prematurely diagnosising, tempting children to buy things by using sex, the almighty hand of advertising. parents over indulging their children allowing them to prolong adolesence, delaying reality, disfunctional dr. phil moments. pulling boxes of cold/cough/flu medicine off the shelves because dirty meth heads squeeze the life out all they touch. sacred wars and holy peace negotiations, family values taught in public schools (screw that). where are you drunk, career loving, suv mongering mother's and father's. neglect your children and you'll die in a goverment funded nursing home, alone and abused by poverty paid immigrants or else, janet reno, donald rumsfield, tony blaire, my friend the bush. no side is a good side, except in my mind a faith side.

i am tired of seeing pre teen skluts bare their cheeks on the sidewalks of this city. i feel wary of the racism that prevails because someone named a girl in her highschool year book, "black girl", because they didn't know her name otherwise. it is tragic that the media has the upper hand and that celebrity's play and pretend to be such do gooder's, while divorcing and cheating and spending money to the inth degree. why must we have something to distract us, entertain us, all of the time?
why must children have access to our personal computers at ripe ole age of four? do we need one more video game, one more way to get our music. my radio stations torture me, but i'm not willing to go to all that effort to make my own soundtrack. where is the mystery? where is the truth? why do i need an ipod, psp, or hybrid car?

we are a culture of self doubters, pretenders, and criminals. we are also a culture that will revolt, reverse and recess the cycles. i saw this great documentary on benjiman franklin. have you seen it? check it out at pbs.org if you're at all interested. or pick up the autobiography/biography. i am going to. as he got older he truely became more of a revolutionary. bucking the british colonization, branding the sale of africans as slavery. and being the only founding father to have signed all three major historical documents, d o i, constitution, and something else b o r's maybe do you know? he was not only an inventor but an man of great integrity. who has integrity these days?

the phil my buster makes me sick. the stem cell this and that trys my patience.

you are probably or possibly wondering where all of this comes from inside of me. i am not so sure myself. i love the little guy above, but it made me wonder why we must accessorize every ounce of our lives. even the simple life in magazines takes up space. the clutter demands reclutter.

oh and guess what? i am off completely from work on monday the memorial day. how's that? oh hell. what will i do with myself? aprons are on my brain. and finishing two shadwoboxes i haven't told you about. tiny ones that i am making for smoore and mc for graduation presents. i am also employing a great artist to make two of her most wonderful creations for two of my most favorite people in the world. i've got to keep it a secret though. hold on tight guys because the weekend hasn't even begun and i'm still working.


millionaire's maakies

every night this week i have been drawing at my friends house in an old spiral notebook. i have not sat down to draw anything in so long that it has become a nice way for me to wind down from the ciaos of everyday. the other night i drew a world between to worms or catepillars. there was a treehouse with two tire swings and a nice big branchy tree for climbing and sunbathing. the treehouse i imagined was solar-powered and had a hidden staircase leading up to it through the trees. last night i drew my first ever imagined character. he was arm-less and foot-less, but had a very nice helmet to protect his mind. i did not come up with a name for him, but he did have an owl as a sidekick who has bubbles for brains.

i also have picked up the aprons and i'm finally getting my first one finished off. i am excited and terrible about sewing these perfectly straight lines. what a crock o' shite. i need a guard on my foot to keep from straying outta line. for some reason right now i don't even care because the crooked line seems so attractive to me. i see all sorts of leafy, branchish lines in my head when i draw, tending to be more organic than my collage, which is generally extremely geometric in concept.

i am excited to say that i have found my next big project. i will try to get into ava's FRESH. we shall see. hell after being turned down from 4bridges. i don't care much for the trial and error mishmosh. i'd rather have my own exhibit in my own home. but kate said that when she met with katie @ the hollis gallery, she plugged me or something along those lines. i could try and kill two birds with one stone. shoot for FRESH and the HOLLIS. i gotta stop working as much. this will be another sixty two hour week.

i am sure you all remember maakies. i just love the the black crow and the beautiful monkey. i'm working on a concept for a hat design for my friend too. i really like the monkey idea. whoowhooowhooo.

please check out more sushi fun @ amyville. someone loves sushi. it is so dang beautiful isn't it. kricket is surely right, about her last comment. way to go sushi lovers.

and here's another nice photo taken from carabeth's nice little site of the famous postcard swap.

i'd like you all to see the other postcards that i sent out. one of these days i'll get my camera to the computer. except my pops is giving me his hold pc. now i'll have two and i want to hook two turntables to my pc's too. what shall i do and how shall i do it all?


shockingly sushi

have i every said anything about how much i enjoy eating sushi and how little i get to do so. monamieta gave me some coupons to sushi nabe on frazier and i still haven't gone yet. but today while purusing the www, i found this great little choco sushi site. i think i might have to purchase a box or i suppose a frugal piece. but oh i wonder if it is really any good...

when i have a little bit more time i'll write some more and more. i have moocho news to tell of. thank you sweet kate for the invite. thank you dear lu for the package. working on sending you one off right o way. think you all for the most precious of notes and cards. i have had distress and my mind has not been all that well, but things are gradually improving. i am learning to ignore my frustration with my job. i am learning to ignore my eagerness to hit back.

but this week i do not have time to become emotionally or mentally involved.


umbrella blue

suddenly i feel i just might be able to say things are better in my mind today. definitely more at peace are my thoughts, but the drop dead silence at work is a tinge unnerving and i have to fight the feelings of revenge and hatred.

the frustration continues and hasn't gone quietly away. it is in my face like a brick frick wall. i am looking forward to this evening and tomorrow as well because i do not have to work at the rx. tonight i am going to work a tad over time, maybe. i am not sure because as the day grows longer i become less and less willing to deal with all of it. ignore me, do not speak to me, the mental violation i am dealing with here. only one person. i very rarely know what i am talking about here at work. i just feel so badly right now. i am not trying this again. i am not trying to steal someone else's job from them. i am just trying to improve on the technology that is readily available to us. as each day goes by i become less and less willing to work at it.

i am going to have to take a very very very long long vacation. and not to the crappy beach. yuck. so tomorrow night though i am going to buy some pants. i wonder if any of you are really short like me. although i am not considered a "small person" or "midget" it is incredible difficult to find pants that fit shorter legs. geez, i need to be my own seamstress. so i need some work pants, the grey and green ones are falling off me.


temorarily out of order

the past two weeks are officially a hellish blur. there are small minute bright spots that crop out of the recess of my memory=experience that push me forward past the fuzz. i have nothing left to sell of myself to the plastered ignorant mass of female coworkmanship here @ the ole uoha. i am spent and out of order. torn to pieces because someone here, who should've been a leader, crumpled in pathetic self absorbtion. it isn't worth my time going into how much i have struggled these last two weeks. the software conversion took a major turn for the worse. i have a major support, but there's a nag in the sack and i cannot shake the horrible horrible thoughts i am having. i am baffled and hurt, worn to the thread.

but there's no room to feel sorry for myself. the choices i have made were the right ones and i have done all that i know to do to resolve the major issues.

the bright spots.

buying a new pair of fourteen dollar shoes from walmart that are teal-turq and orange. my favorite yum colors. just wish i could find cool socks for small feet now.

buying a dirty old beat up used bicycle from my aunt c. for thirda fi dolla, so now i can ride all over the downtown "the future of city living" blah.

having lost eleven pounds thus far, losing the biggest loser contest at work, coming in second felt really good though.

taking off from the rx work on friday after having boohooed @ the crappy coworker situation. saturday only having to have worked nine to four and sunday spending the day with my aunt, eating out and doing a graduation party for my sister n law and s'moore. wonderful thumbprint cookies, in purple pink and yellow green. tiny flower mints and mint juleps.

the prospect of working again on new projects or dropped projects after having two weeks of mind numbing bs surround me. looking at juxtapose at my friends house and finding a place in the art community.

feeling like a full person. feeling and believing in the identity forming inside of my through grace and mercy. knowing that the struggles i have will pass and only form a stronger nation of cat.

knowing eden berit knutson came safely into this world on mother's day for her mommy kate. praise and glory to the creator and maker of all things.

looking forward to a pinnacle moment when i'm provided with a new job, other than the one i have currently.

loving the family that i have been given.

reordering the confines of my heart and mind.


amy was so very kind to post a nice pic of one of my collage postcards, so i thought to snag it my way and show you all really what i've been working on. so many times i am looking around at all of what you all do and i feel a limitation and a honest issue arises. i cannot believe the beautiful cards that have come from such a swap as this. i have only gotten three so far and can't wait to get home everyday after work to check my box. all that really means is that i have potentially seven more days of sheer enjoyment. whereas others may have gotten all of their cards on the same day or around the same day.

last night was a bit difficult, but yesterday while at the nine to five my monamieta called me. carol ann as i sometimes call her, is a brillant woman. i have no reason to compliment her or kiss up. i have nothing to gain from it, except that i believe mother's day is right around the corner and i must say my mother is more than amazing. my mother is young and vibrant and often misunderstood because of her take control attitude, her precision, her energy and ideas. she does not bunt when faced with confrontation. she barely balks at her own mistakes, she easily laughs and is absolutely hilarious and spontaneous. i have one hundred percent of her inside of me. i also have one hundred percent of my father in me. my mom doesn't have the college degree, but works outside of the home for the vice president of development for a local college. she's intelligent and wise and has faith like a brick. a beautiful woman that rounds me out. pushes me and tenderly understands my desires and needs.

our relationship like many mother-daughter relations have been strained, but because of her faith, with a god given humility our relationship has been restored. don't get me wrong, i've grown up too and i'm definitely not angry with her anymore, nor do i blame her for anything that she ever did or didn't do as i was a child or teenager. those years are behind us in grace.

thankfully she is standing beside me. raising me up and shrouding me in her love. she is sad, but encouraging when i vent or talk about wanting to move from chattanooga and cannot quite speak of it without her voice cracking. but my goodness. i couldn't have a better someone to speak with. she grew up very differently from the way that she and my father decided to raise my two brothers and i. for one she grew up in the north, i in the south. secondly her mother dealt with depression and a growing self centered tumoress life style. my grandfather relied heavily on my mother and aunt and when he passed away my grandmother lost her compass. my mom and dad have known one another from the ripe ole age of fourteen, can you imagine? and they married at 19 and moved here to chattanooga. my mom wanted her children to feel a sense of belonging, to understand and be cherished in community. it is something so rare in this time to have a mother who cares so deeply she'd give her life up for her children. even when the media sheds light on mothers, it is with a supra-fictional plastic tear for the beer sorta thing.

my mom and dad have taken in sweet baby suzanne. although she's not a baby, she's become the baby in our family. my parents are now, having had risen their own birth children, are bringing up a young adult woman. they are now the safe haven for s'moore and are teaching and guiding her the way they've done with me. they are not closing the books, they aren't retiring from service to others, they are employed at mastering christ-likeness and it baffles me. but it is apart of me and probably why i want to move forward. the independence i have is because of their lives, the servant like attitude is not a foriegn country for me and neither is facing pain, struggle, self imposed or not.

so moving is on my brain like my brain is on my brain. the thoughts never go away and tempt me like a sugar candy stick or plastic kinder egg toy. i am restless and unbelievable eager to get a move on. the discovery mode is on. exploration and diversion might remind me that i am alive and a meaningful part of society. don't get me wrong i've not quite lost touch with reality. i have found that i no longer want to be known by the same people that i've always been known by. i do not want to babysit anymore, i don't want to have conversations about my life (what i've done and where i am going). l. was talking about focusing, focusing on focus. that is how i tend to feel. take control over the things that i can and let go of the things that i cannot. fight for something that i love and want and desire. my life is a battlefield and always will be, because i have never made the "easy as pie" choices. i'd choose the gravel path before i'd skip down the pleasant road. but some of that had to do with bucking the truth and rebelling against the truth.

so this is where i am at.


paper foul play

i have started on my next piece. it is an old cardboard checker board that at one point i cut in half. now i have put it back together and covered it in my favorite yellow drywall tape. it is the best texture in the world for painting and collage. i did a painting of josiah knutson a while back and that was done with drywall tape and wax and acyrlic. so i also have some quilted origami pieces that i want to include. i think that i said before that i wanted to do a piece about my work, the hours of billing and insurance and rx cashiering. i also am really inspired by kate's last work. i even have sent hannah a letter to see if she'd do a pocket quilt but she doesn't know it yet because i just sent the letter. i have gotten these little pieces of yellow vellum from the rx too. i must finish my aprons, but i need a tad more ribbon. lu and h. did send the nicest stuff, i couldn't quite believe how well the ribbon matches the color of the aprons. i also thought that these crafty girls who sew all the time must have monster machines. i have the baby europro dressmaker. the baby moves and wiggles while i sew. the reason is prolly because i stand and use the push on/off button instead of the foot pedal.


conservative rebel house

this is the desk i do all of my work from. it is a small place, which is all that i really need. actually and truthfully this isn't my desk at all. although i wish it were. i am quite tired of the turq-aqua colored counter tops that surround me in an ocean drowning. i'd like a stark environment where things looked as though they were out of the seventies or even the forties. i'd like a black or silver bullet filing cabinet. i've even tiptoed on to chattanooga freecycle but feel the scene a bit bogged down. i am thinking though that if andy m. needs furniture he should look into the freecycle. i am looking for turntables. i do not really want to spend pimped amounts of money. but i recently looked at pricegrabber and technics. i was able to create a soundflyer called 'dirty sanchez on rye.' it was a quick take, first try, stupid sound bites, but funny nonetheless. over the weekend i got a package from my great new pal l.. this woman is just amazing. she made two beautiful bags that i have taken photos of and haven't had a chance to put them up on flickr. or maybe i'm just negligent. she knitted a sweet pink bag with a nice (flavo-rite color) grey flower sewn on. and secondly a artsy (my new davinci bag, i'll call it) tote with bright green gingham pockets inside. gorgeous!

but i think i must've told you about my package from hannah. so at some point when i'm not so lazy i'll post the many photos, 40 some and counting on the dinocam. i got my first postcard from misocrafty. i am truly excited, my expectations are overwhelming me. i am already amazed by what i have seen blog 2 blog of the postcards being sent out. humanity floors me, in it's ability to have the two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth, but yet when it comes down to it we are so different in these minds of ours. we were each given a bit of the pure aesthetic, don't you think. oh and i'm not a dj. the reason i speak of such things is because i have several friends that are dj's. i have a few dj names that i've mentioned in the past, they are: dopeattic, catskills, durta laundry, and mini mart. if i mixed records it my a cross, mix genre style. the reason i want turntables is so that i can produce and mix my own music/beats, so that when i'm hi fi texy enough and have a domain, i'll also have my own musix. no production, no retail, just the aesthetic of music with my art has intrigued and challenged me for many many many years.

this is another piece of furniture i'd like to have to furnish my home sweet emoh. i have emotional attention span of a camel. i'll spit and cry, blubber over anything right now.

i suppose these are all pieces i'd have in my conservative rebel house. i am still trying to change the sterotype of what this nation of cat is. i went to a different chursh on sunday with my brother ethan and snl m.c. they go to calvary chapel which is an off-shoot of the vineyard. slightly familiar territory for me, while visiting the knutson's in atl. the service was fine, the sermon was excellant, the worship sucks. why as xtian do we have to worship in the freakin' dark? i don't need the communion with christ on sunday mornings, that's what my daily devotion is for, right? isn't worship supposed to be many voices in communion with one another, isn't that a huge reason why we go to church to be with others? so why are we hiding in the dark, my faith is not a mystic one. i do not have a secret language that only god can understand. i don't have a speacial lighting system so that god can see me, i don't need a beacon of light shining up into the clouds so that god can see me, praising him so well. screw attracting others to a more contemperary worship. who cares? isn't contemperary a relative word anyway? i think non believers should really know my life. if i'm gonna go to church in the dark i mine as well have church in my bed under the covers on sunday mornings. what's up?

teach me oh god, your will is my desire. renew in me a pure and clean heart so that i may see you. the word at calvary was eye opening. i am resolved to leaving new city fellowship for now. an attempt to forge a catpath to the memorial where cc meets. one tiny other thing...after the service a woman approached, someone i have known. the second thing she said/asked me was how my life had been? and hadn't i struggled so much, so often? yikes, isn't that a shame. i am known for my self inflicted struggles and poor decision making and all the other bullshit that comes from being me. so much for denying the sterotype. what shall i do? it makes moving out of chattanooga look all the more appetitizing. yummmm

and a new york visit? still thinking. i'll let you know. andy m. just bought a home in st hellno. i wanted someones help in deciding what house i should purchase. here's a looksy: