5.04.2005



amy was so very kind to post a nice pic of one of my collage postcards, so i thought to snag it my way and show you all really what i've been working on. so many times i am looking around at all of what you all do and i feel a limitation and a honest issue arises. i cannot believe the beautiful cards that have come from such a swap as this. i have only gotten three so far and can't wait to get home everyday after work to check my box. all that really means is that i have potentially seven more days of sheer enjoyment. whereas others may have gotten all of their cards on the same day or around the same day.

last night was a bit difficult, but yesterday while at the nine to five my monamieta called me. carol ann as i sometimes call her, is a brillant woman. i have no reason to compliment her or kiss up. i have nothing to gain from it, except that i believe mother's day is right around the corner and i must say my mother is more than amazing. my mother is young and vibrant and often misunderstood because of her take control attitude, her precision, her energy and ideas. she does not bunt when faced with confrontation. she barely balks at her own mistakes, she easily laughs and is absolutely hilarious and spontaneous. i have one hundred percent of her inside of me. i also have one hundred percent of my father in me. my mom doesn't have the college degree, but works outside of the home for the vice president of development for a local college. she's intelligent and wise and has faith like a brick. a beautiful woman that rounds me out. pushes me and tenderly understands my desires and needs.

our relationship like many mother-daughter relations have been strained, but because of her faith, with a god given humility our relationship has been restored. don't get me wrong, i've grown up too and i'm definitely not angry with her anymore, nor do i blame her for anything that she ever did or didn't do as i was a child or teenager. those years are behind us in grace.

thankfully she is standing beside me. raising me up and shrouding me in her love. she is sad, but encouraging when i vent or talk about wanting to move from chattanooga and cannot quite speak of it without her voice cracking. but my goodness. i couldn't have a better someone to speak with. she grew up very differently from the way that she and my father decided to raise my two brothers and i. for one she grew up in the north, i in the south. secondly her mother dealt with depression and a growing self centered tumoress life style. my grandfather relied heavily on my mother and aunt and when he passed away my grandmother lost her compass. my mom and dad have known one another from the ripe ole age of fourteen, can you imagine? and they married at 19 and moved here to chattanooga. my mom wanted her children to feel a sense of belonging, to understand and be cherished in community. it is something so rare in this time to have a mother who cares so deeply she'd give her life up for her children. even when the media sheds light on mothers, it is with a supra-fictional plastic tear for the beer sorta thing.

my mom and dad have taken in sweet baby suzanne. although she's not a baby, she's become the baby in our family. my parents are now, having had risen their own birth children, are bringing up a young adult woman. they are now the safe haven for s'moore and are teaching and guiding her the way they've done with me. they are not closing the books, they aren't retiring from service to others, they are employed at mastering christ-likeness and it baffles me. but it is apart of me and probably why i want to move forward. the independence i have is because of their lives, the servant like attitude is not a foriegn country for me and neither is facing pain, struggle, self imposed or not.

so moving is on my brain like my brain is on my brain. the thoughts never go away and tempt me like a sugar candy stick or plastic kinder egg toy. i am restless and unbelievable eager to get a move on. the discovery mode is on. exploration and diversion might remind me that i am alive and a meaningful part of society. don't get me wrong i've not quite lost touch with reality. i have found that i no longer want to be known by the same people that i've always been known by. i do not want to babysit anymore, i don't want to have conversations about my life (what i've done and where i am going). l. was talking about focusing, focusing on focus. that is how i tend to feel. take control over the things that i can and let go of the things that i cannot. fight for something that i love and want and desire. my life is a battlefield and always will be, because i have never made the "easy as pie" choices. i'd choose the gravel path before i'd skip down the pleasant road. but some of that had to do with bucking the truth and rebelling against the truth.

so this is where i am at.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

My dear child - If I had nothing more from you than this tribute, I would be eternally satisfied.
I love you more each day.

sweethc said...

That was a wonderful tribute to your mom. I understand your desire to move and want to explore. Consider taking a few trips and just get out of town for a weekend exploration. Could be fun.

hannah said...

cat! i LOVE your postcard, i saw it on angry chicken!!! you wouldnt happen to have an extra to send my way??? i hope i can make my daughter proud of me in the same way...

katiek said...

I love your postcard, The lettering really makes that card pop. I've always loved that card. Keep working little girl!

Anonymous said...

Your most recent mother's day blog is the best gift you could give Carol for MD. Your collection of thoughts is awsome, I have enjoyed reading them. Through writing, you and your brother have a very unique ability of expressing yourselves, which I greatly admire. Love you cathy- Laurie

Hanna said...

Wow, beautiful!!!!!!

sweethc said...

I am digging the color change. So earthy!