to be a mother

a day or two late but nonetheless here, thinking, reading other thoughts and reflecting on my mother and what it must mean to be a mother. i am not a mother of my own children yet. although, i have done my share of babysitting so i have never felt the void of caring for or nurturing children. i have experienced the great miracle of childbirth as kate gave me, when josiah came into this world three years ago. i have come as close as you can get to a mother's sheer joy and maddening panic in the many years i have watched other people's children. for a season babysitting was my second income and so it was nothing for me to have several families call on me at least once a week. at one point i was watching nine children every wednesday night, while their parents took a course in financial peace.

this past saturday evening i went out to the kring's house for a going away party for the perkins. while there i had the realization that i was the only single female amoungst the bunch and that i had many children, many many children (indeed, all of my friends children). my mother always wanted six children when she and my dad were starting our family. they stopped at three, but they've gained four more through adoption and marriage. i was talking with my mom on saturday, actually i was listening to my mother "vent." which is a totally incredible thing to be able to do, now. i know that my mother wishes she could spend more time at home, in her garden, writing and reading and i think that time will come. she's been sacrificing her whole entire life, with never a true moment for herself. just for herself. i told her that she is the best mother in the world. really the best. i cannot imagine that she ever has moments of regret or dispair only because she never shows it. but i know that times have been tough, i see how my mother has changed and how she is still faithful to her heavenly father, despite the internal struggle. on sunday pastor frank talked about giving, honoring our mothers with our peace. he spoke about how we might find that peace and how that would be the best gift we could give. i wanted to make sure that i emphasized that very thing in conversation with my mom. i don't think it is easy being a mother so it's without a doubt that i love what my mother is and has become. all this is a rabble, a tendency towards wanting to say the best thing ever about who my mother is. it just hasn't been flowing and so the delay. i know my mother knows how much i love her and so i hope i can only be with her and become better friends with her as time goes on. and when my time comes, if it comes and as god's will parts the waves and makes it into miracle and i have some rowdy dowdy short chillin's i can only hope/pray that i am as good as my mom. you know really, as good, as great as CAC has been to me and the rest of the fam. now onto today...

No comments: