remember happy?

i am freezing cold. i went outside to my car, heard a review of the debut album from the trucks. i have never heard of the trucks before. another girlie punk band. i like how i became the bomb. i like the website. i don't know much from the shins but saw them on saturday night live. i thought the shins were supposed to be punk, how did i come up with that persception. i wonder if i could be a music critic?

i did not get around to working on the yellow paper quilt collage this weekend. i did however make a list on saturday morning and accomplished everything on that list. all except baking my junglegym chocolate chip cookies. i will save that chore for tuesday or wednesday night. laundry piles up as if i had a family of five. piles of magazines need to be organized. and my bills needed to be paid. afterall it is the beginning of march. funny.

i had a conversation on the telephone with my mom last week. at one point i told her that i was alright, really alright and that i needed to remember to remind myself that i am actually very happy. my mom laughed at me. and she's told me since that i needed to post along the lines of our conversation. i do not know if posting all of this is all that important. nevertheless, i am very quick to forget what it is i am happy about. joy is stolen from me, as if i'm mugged around every corner. i am to blame though. solely responsible. because i walk around with my ears tuned to hear the impossible, the critic, and the struggle. it is a focus not really worth living for, to chalk it up. a focus revolving around my relationships and my art and jobs are really worth living for. the small minute victories there between the lines i live.

i'd like to think and discuss more of the possibilities. my mom and i would like to collaborate and write:illustrate a children's book. my mother is going to be a grandmother for the first time in her life in a few short months. i will be an aunt and so there are these new little people that are going to enter our lives and we are a family of readers, writers, artists, builders, and healers. what will our legacy be?

i see myself becoming more involved with the art community in chattanooga. i do not know how it will happen or when but there are more and more possibilities opening up everyday.

***i am happy because i grew up safely. without domestic violence, alcohol or drug abuse. i am happy that i wasn't neglected or orphaned. i am happy because i never broke a bone or had to get stitches. i am happy that i have my own car, my own apartment, my new cellphone. all of the stupid little things like my bird collection and button collection, and tiny things collection make me happy. and music from out of the woodwork makes me happy. i even like wearing my grey coat inside because it makes me warm and happy. what makes you really happy?