the quilt of my

"crunch" begins and ends with dazed and crazed. i know i don't feel as overwhelmed as say, kate in all of her moving, working, making and mothering. i am not sure what is going to happen. i mean all but one collage has been completed, my cards are packed and ready, but i still haven't got a clue as to how or when i am going to have the paper quilts framed or wrapped or well, presentable. i went to hobby lobby and had a rather unpleasant experience, instead of finding frames worthy i found canvas worthy. it is times like these that make for memories, excitement and blessing, mostly learning. these tight corners, empty pockets, smaller margains are just apart of this cat's life. matter of factly, frankly speaking i am happier in the midst of a rush, the crush and crash of projects, obligations and artworks.

i am thinking now of how to prioritize: yesterday i found in my box the paper quilt project envelope and felt a choke approaching fast. don't get me wrong i am really happy about this community effort, the honor of being invited is super great and i can't wait to find that buried treasure of inspiration. i also have got to get my five senses together enough to swap them with anastasia. and i feel i must acknowledge the sweet tammy as well. i actually sat and had what i'd call a light moment:brainstorming the five senses and have come up with a few unique ideas. the first of which; thought:"opening the package with ones eyes shut!!!" unga.

then there are all these underlying things: how am i going to pay my bills? april was such a tight month and i am feeling the tightness a little less but i have very little breathing room. buying canvas is a total justified thing because fitness together is demanding more work today!!! i'd also like to be really open to commission work too but inorder to do it i've gotta have it-right?

there's also the cleanliness of my life right now. i am still smoking, no more no less than usual but it is the dirtiest, nastiest habit and i'm reminded of how disgusting it is on a daily basis. if it's not my phlegm, it is a lung cancer patient's phlegm i hear in the hallways at work here at uoha. my curtains in my apartment are black, my floors need to be mopped, my car is a pile of ash and the hair. i know i know i'm really about to gag!!! truly isn't it all a reflection of what is apart of my insides. the heart that yearns for beauty but is stuck in ugly. i hope my paper quilts aren't as ugly as the quilt of my life.

then there is joy, in two weeks and little sam and liam will be here. my nephews. my first nephews and what breath can be breathed without thinking of their little lives. there is clothesline and community and being bold enough, having guts enough to invite people from my church that i barely know to come and see this community of women artist. there is mother's day and bringing my siblings together to honor my mom again in this new year. there is this new book in my life; hannah coulter by wendell berry and how it brings tears of joy and sorrow, relative to my life's quilt in so many ways and not really but so good. shall i stop?