i have felt absent from a steady life lately and only now seem like i am getting the breath and grasp on things i need. a loss of perspective creates havoc, but fortunately i had my own personal "come to jesus" meeting on monday night and i feel more settled and refreshed.
maybe it was the amount of time i had been away from my home, working all weekend and every night. maybe it has been the lymphnode swollen in my neck, causing a higher level of stress and worry. maybe in the midst of celebrating the coming of caleb i realized how life, with it's variable ups and downs, is worth it. somehow. someway. to put aside all of the small hang ups and trust that i am still on track. that caleb will forever be a symbol of hope and faith to me and my family. we long to embrace him, just as simply, the god i believe in longs to embrace me, bringing me back to life.
and so i seek refuge with the most high. and find restitution in an invisible shield protecting me. and i will still spill my entire styrofoam cup of coffee all over my desk here at work. spoiling the june calendar. i will still ride bikes in the evenings after the rx and wear myself thin with exercise. i will still wake up early to spend a few precious moments with josiah and eden tomorrow morning. i will still see coral castles on saturday, gleefully thinking how funny, my parents are finally seeing my brother aaron play out in a smoke filled bar.
i will still make circles to modpode all over a recycled ocean landscape. still my orange tree will bounce back after a long hard winter. and i am still, after a couple of weeks ever so happy about having a photograph i took, featured in friday's weekend section of the chattanooga times free, even if it doesn't credit me. i will be uplifted and set free. and reminded to cling. back to life back to this cat life. back to vunerability and security in it all. back to dreaming and playing, back to more work and more writing. back to breathing and better shampoo. back to love and hope and walking in flipflops.