in some rare disbelief

i wonder what just happened, another year, gone by. just one and half more days left it will all be over. it didn't just happen, i know, it just feels like all of the growing and changing came and went so quickly, without even a climax, no strong loud clamp of thunder or dramatic down swing, just this sunday afternoon. the last in o-seven. i have been nursing this here sore throat. stuffing tea and spice cookies down. but i have also, as usual, i suppose been given over to reflect. i spent a whole lot of time before the holidays really preparing to give handcraft to friends and family and in the midst of that felt like i might be letting some of them down by not purchasing their most faved or coveted items. in pictures i think the wreaths i made look nicer. in real life they seem slightly chinsey or shall i say tacky? but if i say that what does that mean to those to whom i've given the wreaths to? i just expected more and could not for the life of me muster up more because i actually thought i was coming down with mono the night of my birthday.
so strange this year has been. in good ways, in very fine ways it's been all a bunch of blessing, in others it's been harder than previous. who knows what other people do behind the curtains of their own blogs, privately underneath the sheets? i have no earthly idea and sometimes i enjoy reading from blogs of other women artists, finding inspiration and common word or comfort and sometimes i'm jealous and often times i want to meet them, but i also wonder about they're emotional states and their familial states and their marriages and the cleanliness of their homes. sometimes women my age write about all that is really going on behind the scenes other times their words and photos are of projects and smaller household improvements, sometimes pictures tell stories i can only imagine and therefore give me sense that everything with them must be absolutely perfect. i wonder.

my year has been perfected in a variety of ways, but through some difficult work that has yet to be completed. earlier, maybe in june or july i began to get some, how shall i say? outside help. some help from someone who has been trained to help. help from someone that i am paying to help me. is it any different after all than if i were paying someone to do my taxes for me or if i needed someone to repair my roof. i'm not going to pretend to know how to repair my roof if i don't know how to. just as i am not going to pretend to know how to fix my heart and mind when i really have no idea how to begin that process. accepting and believing is one thing, intellectually analyzing something to the hilt is another and having some kind of heart is yet another. i have felt on one end of the spectrum that my whole life made sense, on the other end of the spectrum my life felt like a very large ball of wax and paper, thread and dirt. most people probably feel the same way i have at some point in their lives and everyone has a different method of resolution. i decided to call out for help.

in the last six months i have discovered some fairly interesting things, my goal being to merge my heart and mind, so that i don't feel as conflicted. i've learned i'm really quite alright, except for the lying. for so many years i have lied to myself, not as if in some state of denial, by just simply telling myself that no one loves me, no one cares, i cannot trust anyone, and so on and so forth, all disgusting self loathing things i'd rather kick to the curb. it's been the believing in myself that i have been lacking. it's ridiculous and many of you may not care to know about these sorts of things but i'm saying it anyway. for the sake of those who might think i've got something that they don't. because what i've got is still a two thousand eight of hard art making, hard heart adjusting, and serious mind fixing.

for instance i was not ever going to leave the doctor's office, there was something seriously sick about my work there only because i couldn't ever see myself doing anything bigger or better or that i might deserve more. i was always so paranoid, thinking i'd get fired for being chronically 10 minutes late everyday for 6 years straight. i never thought i could ever produce enough artwork for a show and then for god's sake, sell it all. it never occurred to me that anyone could understand my deepest thoughts and feelings. i never thought to ask for help, nor did i ever see that if people like my parents, siblings or my best friend katie acted like they didn't trust me or that i felt like a child in their eyes it was probably because i didn't trust myself. all of the advice i personally gave i have never ever really took to heart myself. if i felt defensive it wasn't because people were accusing me, it was more because of the fact that i felt myself to be inferior. and no one is to blame for that matter, not a fact. oh and there is a lot more but not all worth spewing here. i was just thinking about the really nice things that the holidays can produce and how i could feel slightly off about the gifts i gave but heck it's funny, i created my very first paper stencil t-shirts. i honestly really truthfully thought i couldn't do it and never tried until christmas day. and then there's wahlah! i couldn't believe how truly easy it was.

just like asking for help, almost magical but more spiritual. the vulnerability of saying three simple words, 'i need help', and all sorts of floodgates opened. i'd be crazy to say it's been so so simple, there's been more questions than i thought, there has been more anger too, there's been sadness and some strange realizations as well. but there underneath the sheets is redemption, the power of light. and forgiveness and reminders of how much i am truly loved. it must sound stupid but i think we could all take a little more time to think of all the ways we know we're loved. because when you stop remembering you yourself stop giving the love out, right? being a good steward with the love your given is sharing it with others. i just can't believe that this year turned out the way it has. it surprises me and makes me wonder if other people plodding along have come to figuring these sorts of things out in their lives.