9.28.2005

feel good girl

once a month i have a small mental breakdown that revolves around my being a female. the unfortuante part is that i am taken off guard every single time, as if shot with a powerful drug. hormones do a body trainwreck city.

additionally i came down with a conflict with one of my siblings. an underlying, five month ago issue that never was expressed to me, 'the responsible party.' i knew that something was wrong or quite awry between he and i, but not something from a blog i posted several several months ago, mentioning his name. has this happened to you before? i did not think i had to be so so so discrete about blogging. but he said that in googling his name my "increminating" blog arose from the masses and blantantly called him out. well i found that blog and i will not apologize for anything i wrote at that time. although i will say that he was extremely hurt and pained by the incident i mention in the previous blog. so even though i did not destroy his name in the headlines he felt the need to embarass me and make me feel utterly ashamed for my expression in front of the rest of my family. i will go off here: about the grudges we crutch, the fear we wrap up in and comfort ourselves with. i am disgusted by grudges as if they were satan himself hidden in an attitude. i know it is only by god's grace that i am free from holding grudges, non forgiveness of other's actions. i have other major issues, sin in all sorts of shapes and sizes that manifest themselves in my life. but non forgiveness is just not one i truly, honestly struggle with.

the grudge takes you off guard, a low blow to gut, behind the knees. (last night, i finished a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.) finally finally finally...why has it got to end in such a way? do any of you know or understand?

i have felt an extreme amount of pressure. self imposed you could say. find a new job, find a new home, resign a lease, find time to change the oil, clean the bathtube, craft, corner the art exhibiting market, spend time with mother, aunt, and sister n law. find time to work and really work. the pressure was seriously mounting last week. thursday i hit my head several times with my office telephone. what came over me? the tragedy of being a woman, supposedly.

i also have again found solice in my journaling, the black book keeping up with my daily walk. i sit infront of the television watching charlie rose with zadie smith and nightline with dr. wood-former FDA director of Women Studies & Health. topics of the morning after pill, surviving a hurricane, autumn planting, martha stewart's new show(s), cloning like comparing identical-fraternal twins. all these thoughts running havoc on my brain.

i am nearly sick of being told how i should prepare for the worst disasters. but i am thrilled to be at home on friday nights. inspired. a new way of seeing.

ART:21 HELP ME! THIS IS TOO AMAZING! NO ONE EVEN SPEAKS OF IT! how can that be? so check it:

drawing with gunpowder: Cai Guo-Qiang

seascapes glass mirrors: Hiroshi Sugimoto

see here the black and white. he says he never sits in a boat and takes these amazing photos. dry land. please oh please do read or try and catch these episodes. cannot be missed.


i am not giving up blogging, but i may take large breaks inorder have substance to write about. no more waste and here is my spt. via hawaii and bellows beach. see the similarity.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
katiek said...

Good to hear from you Cat, sorry for the brother troubles. Hang in there, you're not crazy, your workin it out. all the luv.

Melissa said...

Sorry you've been having a rough week but stay strong! Grudges are a terrible thing. I'm glad you have your journaling and art as releases. I'll have to check out Art21- thanks! I haven't forgotten that I owe u some snail mail!