reflection of

i can spend a whole lot of my time in reflection. this view of the north wall of my apartment. looking out across the city. i know that this is not a true reflection of myself in a mirror, glass or spoon, but it is the way i tend to look in my apartment. plus my mom got me a brand new coat and i so love it. i had not had a coat sense the housefire and the coat has made my year. just a perfect fit for the day and the year. who needs anything else? i felt a whole lot better after talking with kate the other night. i had things nagging at the inside of my brain and i needed a different perspective.

one of the things about living the single life is that there isn't this sort of thing, holding a mirror up to who i am. i am fortunate to have a great mother and father who hold a mirror up to what i am and what i do. but it isn't quite like having a husband or children to show you who you really are. if you're a total jerk they're certainately going to let you know, but with me i have so very little to be accountable for and to. it is a strange place, solid but strange. i was telling kate how i feel so much more focused than i used to. how that has freed me from feeling as though i have to fight all these personal battles or insecurities. i have to make a conscience effort to be vunerable and open, so that i never stop changing, never stop seeing the good and bad things, becoming a better woman.

the events are stacking up around me and i am so glad that i worked last weekend. i'll have off for the next five days, starting friday 12:30 pm. this time is a very very much needed break from the rush and crush. i was able to go shopping a little last night and have gotten some really nice things, mostly on sale. i wasn't feeling like time was on my side. i also went to walmart-ugh! not a place to love. but i have been wanting a foam or wire wreath so that i could make a wreath like kate did last year. i have already done all of the paper flowers, origami strawberry paper, and target wrapping paper from last year. i'm not sure if i want to do the origami blow ups or not. but mine won't even touch kate's true beaut.

i may be moving out of the ole grand??? i do not know quite yet, just made a call to c.n.e. now i'm just waiting to see what the stipulations will be moving out mid-lease. my brother and sister n law have bought a new home and they're little/big house in st. elmo is opening up. it will be one hundred and fifty dollars cheaper a month. although i'll have to take on electric/water/gas expenses because presently that is included in my rent at the grand. i really really want a home. some place with space to make my art, two extra rooms wow! wouldn't that be a blessing. i also really wanna down size, even though i do not have a whole lot, i'm sort of tired of feeling cramped. pray that i make the right decision about this. i already live alone, so that's not a concern of mine and...that's it. smoore said she'd like to live with me after a couple more semesters or something, we shall see. i need a change. although i'll be sad to move from downtown. st elmo might be a little quieter though. not as many sirens, horse hooves, and drunken "whoknowswhats."

i am also turning thirty tomorrow, december 23. i will need to feel a break (coming up), i feel that i'll rush through my ages and never really see them for what they were. i dislike being so reactionary, wishing that things were slomo, like when i was a kid, crawling through the ditch from one end of our street to the other. i do not have any hestitation about becoming older. i am barely an adult and wish i had the wisdom and maturity of some forty year olds. compared to last year i feel really at peace, other than stress-jobs and wrapping presents with kitchen towels (what a cool idea!) i still have not made my snowman cookies and i'm rambling. age is the most perfect thing about being me. i still feel 18 and look a little like i'm 18 still. i have so much to look forward to. cannot wait to eat at the meeting place. seeing family and friends. i'm gonna crank up the tunes and shout for joy, reflection isn't so bad when i am happy, right? peace and more love.