3.17.2006

when rest comes


i can feel a whole lot better knowing that saturday and sunday are free, open and clear days for me to be able to do whatever i please.

unfortunately i have had a less than desirable week. i have been ill or rather should i say out of sorts. it was all to be expected and there's no blame to shift but on being human. life can be difficult no matter what, no matter how much joy one tries to pile upon the pits. joy should be endless in my heart, hold me accountable! all it takes for me to remember to be selfless is a walk through children's to find the bald heads of mini people walking thru. or a call from an attorney, asking for an informal interview, to ask me questions about my house fire four years ago. yet and so my heart has been comforted this afternoon, in a walk, in prayer for my dear friend, in conversation with my mother and matt. i also have some really great friends that have been emailing me and commenting here or there. it's not enough to just wish for the joy, it's not enough to just pray for joy, i have got to muscle up and arm out the dogs. if it takes rearranging my schedule or thoughts, so be it. joy is necessary for the my life to continue.

i think it has all come down to the last ten years of my life. i have spent all of this time, up until now, totally angry, totally pissed off (which sounds like the same thing but it isn't), totally insecure and unhappy with my appearance, job, friends, and family. i have neglected my health all the way around the spectrum of me. my spirit has twisted itself into a dirty knot, my heart has been eaten by the scoundrel of negative feelings, feelings unbalanced and unprovoked, misplaced and cornered out of creativity and love. my mind has become a bredding ground for all kinds of justification, manipulation and murder. where aren't thou my god and how long must i wait? i am tortured under the weight of being me and will die if i am limited to my own view. god is my identity, when may i rest in him? this day, this hour, this minute. in this work, word, craft and cause. where did my mom come up with such wisdom as this: life is a long obedience in the same direction.

these last weeks have been slightly more defining. i feel the 'refiner's fire' even if it has self imposed matchlighting. the biggest struggle for me today and for the weekend will be to stay away from the god awful cigarettes, the disgusting habit and such. cigarettes have been my friend for about 10 years now and if i don't quit i will die from them. 1 into 2 smokers die. i also may be limited in the workforce, but hell i'm not thinking about that, just my two lungs, my heart and brain matter. if you believe in miracles, you'll have to pray for one, because that is what it is going to take.

secondly i have to continue to eat and drink well, inorder to support my new outlook on life and my exercise regimen-if that's what you wanna call it.

i must go to church on sunday. the word is my rock.

i will have much art and project to work on too. i have started three new paintings as possibly mentioned. two of sunflowers for a paying coworker customer and one of a bicycle. a yellow bicycle. i have several packages that must be sent out or else these beautiful people won't ever want to talk with me again. i have a gift for arlo, and something for fenn, and my swap partner cannot be disappointed and a return letter to snl-laurie. and all kinds of fun things.

so...i do not need prayer as much as some, but i know i may be facing some difficult things in two to three weeks. i do not know what they may or will be except "housefire" stuff. i need much grace and merciful thoughts. i need love, most of all love. i need patience and all the other fruits. i want people to know that i am different but i also want to be open. have a good one.

2 comments:

andrea said...

wish I had something comforting or wise to say. but I don't. I know that it's tough, these changes, these trials. my heart goes out to you-- you'll be in my prayers.

ellia said...

yes changes can be tough but at least its all for the better ;) i was a crazy heavy smoker for 7 yrs i think... the only way i quit cold turkey (and well, i wanted to) was when i was pregnant... the day i found out was the day i stopped smoking... i went from 2pks a day to none.... and after diego came, i've really wanted to but one, cant afford it, and two, the kid is around me 24/7 so when can i smoke and it not affect him?! regardless, it will affect him somehow so its best to avoid smokey coffee shops... but you can do it... especially if you really wanna! my problem was that i enjoyed smoking... my only freetime... now i have coffee and the internet! haha take care!

ps. i totally agree with you 100% on affordable art!