a day late

it could be sunday or tuesday or even today as it is and i wouldn't mind putting this one up. obviously it's a day late and more than a dolla short. a couple of weeks ago i went to lamar's for the last performance of jarius. my youngest brother aaron had been apart of the band from the beginning and so i went to honor his college and post college participation in the musical experience. saturday night was a good night with friends and family. lamar's used to be a place i'd go almost every weekend. there was always something going on and i'd drink a whole bunch and smoke and feel absolutely horrific the next day. nowadays i so rarely jump out to the old haunts, and i never drink anymore. the days of bar hopping and loud music are behind me, and i'm grateful for that growth. i often miss my social sphere and would like those connections to grow back like hair loss kits promise to do. but at the same time, it's as though life does narrow itself a bit and i am not sure there's anything wrong with my standards changing to excluded the crappy lifestyle of my youth. don't get me wrong. i loved my days of adventure and sheer freedom, but they weren't going to be making me into a better person and it was really all about experimenting back then.

last night for instance i decided to stay at home and paint. that brings me so much more joy than anything else in the world and plus i've been struggling with matt. about two or three weeks ago he decided to break back into a lifelong pattern of behavior and it's been really difficult for me to understand. when he's "clean" and "free" from the addiction he's a totally different person, i see growth and purpose in his eyes and life. i see his desire to know and change, but all has flow out the window. i suppose you could tell i was frustrated by just reading my last post about the american population's overuse of mental health drugs. the thing is despite the painful struggle with matt i still care, but i don't want to and so i'm trying to figure all of it out. i want to remain open, but i can't and won't as long as the crap continues. i don't want to be apart of his self neglect. but i also want him to know i care. all of this along with just the stress of working too much has bogged me a bit. i'm being way honest about these things only because kate and i had a eyebrow raising discussion on saturday night about these things-also a hairy scary way of introducing myself just a little more. at least today i'd like to rid myself of thoughts like: self preservation, reputation, pretentious self promotion in blog post. anyway. i don't want to lose the joy i've gained over the last months. i don't have a desire to compromise and so even in great strides through god's mercy and overwhelming grace, i struggle and pursue purpose in him. thank you for you comfort and prayers andrea! you really a kick ass hulagirl.

i'm out, should be back tomorrow with a little bit more of the old cat to share with you.

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