after this past weekend i now know i must seek and find rest or at least a possible fake abduction may need to occur. the abduction is just incase i don't get the rest i need tomorrow when i am finally going to have an entire day and night off from work. i have hit a breaking point where almost everything rides my nerves like a bucking broncho. i'm about over being nice for the sake of being a nice. it's only because i feel taken advantage of by the society of people i live amoungst. really it all started on thursday night of last week when i was at cvs. i was super busy, it was truck day and i was putting out the new cosmetics, which fortunately for me is always my job on truck day. so i get to see and discover all the new lipgloss, eyeshadow and technical mascara's. i keep a small bell up front at the register with a sign that says: "ring bell for service." so of course, i hear the bell and i speed walk to the front. there at the counter is a large middle aged man with no hair and a goatee, a red floral hawaiian shirt and denim pants. unga! i ask him for his extra care card, he hasn't got one, so i scan mine and proceed to ring up a single item of cream or something. the total comes to nine something and so i tell him. he responds by saying that's not the total, i say alright and find that the item has been rung up twice. he then interrupts me and says that he rung the item up before i even got to the register. i say "well that doesn't help very much at all, does it?" mind you i say i all with a smile and chuckle chuckle. he inturn yells, "excoooozzzzeee the HELL OUUTTTTA MMEEEEEEE!!!!"
at that point i'm totally shocked and pissed beyond words. i can't even look at him without thinking "go to hell jerk!" i'm hurt and really i think, what in the world has our society come to when it's totally alright for a man (a supposed gentleman) to curse me? i may look thirteen, but i'm thirty and i deserve freakin' respect!!! i obviously did not think i'd done anything wrong. i have concluded since then that any negative response to a customer is potentially going to result in this way. and i'm thinking. we are a culture of pussykats! a culture of overmedicated baby's. men who raise their voices in cvs rx's because they are weak and cannot control themselves and must curse little girls like me. over half my coworkers at the practice are on some kind of medication. i counted ten last week that i know are on either zoloft, prozac, paxil, or wellbutrin. it totally makes me angry. isn't it ridiculous that there's a drug out there for anyone struggling with anything from obsessiveness to social anxiety, to self imposed depression or erectial disfunction, there's behavior drugs for children who have non existent parents with a barely there knowledge of how to parent or disciple. i have this dark lingering feeling that i am working and living amoungst a bunch of fake, mask wearing individuals who are powerless to change their personal circumstances and are hopelessly drowning in unrepentant sin and LIFE. i mean, have american's in general forgotten that life is hard, i mean really hard. life is painful, really painful. and not just because people die or people get hurt, but because we were born into sin. we are full of fault and frustration and negativity. the crazy thing is, is that people refuse belief in god and so they stay screwed up, they stay dependent on drugs, they stay self centered, they continue to drown in their slave like existence and pity themselves. but where does that leave the rest of us, as if i have something to gain from boasting my non dependence on drugs, i'm certainately humbled in my own right, but to suffer amoungst the massive amounts of zombies.
and you know, kate my dear friend was in town over the weekend and we had a fantastic time. a glorious time with one another. and neither of us are on drugs of any sort and we talked about all kinds of things. how can i say, we spoke about art and blogging and relationships, specifically my relationship with matt. i drank four cups of joe, but that's a far cry from paxil. man when i'm in the depths of a struggle, it is usually because i've made a really bad choice. either to think poorly about someone or a situation or to act out in anger and unrepentence. i'm just tired, tired of having weakness surround me, even the weakness in myself. i need a break from feeling weak. so tomorrow will be about the strength and grace that god has given me. will you all think about the overmedicated people out there and attempt to change their perspective even, i don't mean the people who are clinically and diagnostically ill but those people who take a drug for simply the inability to face reality. please pray for me and pray for those others out there. thank you thank you thank you kate and mom an amy b. and ellia, thank you mc and lc. too my sisters smoore and emoore. i still have all this love with all this weary post weekend facing a whole new startling week. unga!