9.13.2006

i am in my way


lately the weather has been less about blue and more about grey, i am more about my blue tommy fleece, just like last year. i cannot wait to show you what i have been working on. your welcome to come and see, i'm warning you it's just the beginning. i don't know, you might be surprised that i had guts to paint right over my paper quilts, don't worry, it was my thought to do so all along. i just had to collect the right supplies to do this sort of thing. my plans are to paint a fish on the green paper quilt and a robot on the red paper quilt.

even though i started the pretending tree i really must finish this series of small mixed media collages first. i will keep you updated as things progress.

i splurged last week and bought myself these special little earrings. i haven't been out shopping and wanted to celebrate myself in someway. sounds cheesy i know but i've been so down down down on myself lately and yes yes yes buying these inexpensive earrings were a way to spruce up the spirit a bit. check em out, woot if you like em!

i have this way about me, introverting and stumbling over my thoughts and rewinding/replaying scenerio's over and over again in my mind. i know talking about god on the internet isn't cool because it expresses too much of what is in my head and heart. i know writing about the ins and outs of my life isn't really the best way to improve or better the creative things i try and share. i keep saying that without the ability to create i'd go insane. i know it's true for others and that i'm not alone in saying so.

listen though, i am struggling with my identity, am i weak or am i strong? am i a friend or not? all that i see in myself is fight. people always say..."follow gods will, he'll show you the way. he's got a plan for your life, relinquish control, freedom comes in faith and taking risks." yet i specifically want a couple of my relationships to be completely blessed. i'm not sure if i see god in it. i mean he's in it because he's my father and he's soverign and full of practical real life grace stuff but...i have been changing and opening myself up a whole lot more to things like bible study and church and people and all of this time i'm thinking that god is leading me, i'm feeling fine, right? like even if there are butterflies in my stomach i can swallow harder, blink past-thru tears and follow. but hell i don't want to, what i want more is for a relationship to be redeemed, what i want is for this person to be blessed completely and forever. what i want is to be at peace with god's desire. my hang up is the mere fact of loosing out of friendship, companionship. there's not one ounce of me that thinks i've compromised in this relationship or that i'm even about to. i'm not throwing up my hands in anger toward god, i'm throwing them up at myself, thinking-yelling, to get out of my own way! so i'm immersing myself with words and friendly interventions from carolyn in the city. i'm crying and asking god to fight for me, fight these conflicted feelings. i'm stubborn enough to continue to ask him for his blessings in this decaying relationship. i told carolyn i honestly believed that god was in everything going on here. and that the debate is pointless. i am overwhelmed with his love, it's keeping me safe and free from making really really stupid decisions, ya know like i used to when i was much younger. i just can't wait until it's the weekend, and kate moving up to chatt., and the picnic on sunday. that's going to have to fill me up. i'm filled. this is the plan. you may ask

why work so much? paying father back for tax help. and saving for the nicest laptop ever!

4 comments:

carolyn in the city said...

hiya dork!

jen said...

so fun to cruise round frazier wit ya the other day! love being with you, cat.

cool pic by the way. is that a part of a sculpture from atl. botanical gardens??? hmmmm.

jerah said...

heya - i love that bird on the paperquilt. it looks almost russian or something, it's so detailed. tres cool.

andrea said...

I love the way you write, so authentic and true. never change that. it's why I enjoy coming here, why I wanted to meet you in the first place. I so wholeheartedly relate to your struggles--wanting to see god's will at work in my life, wanting to be open, wanting to venture outside of my comfort zone...

I am thinking of you.