2.12.2007

on being orphaned

i worked this past weekend and neglected to get a speck of laundry done. this morning reminded that i have stampin' up tonight. tuesday dinner with m.c. and cousin katie for her birthday. increased hours at cvs rx. working wednesday, thursday and friday night. might take an over night to see a on sunday. will be going shopping in atlanta with my sisters in law on monday. the days and weeks are so so full. awgh!
i finished putting together my things for the valentine swap. i tried to hustle with hope of getting it out on time. i even got my very first cross stitched heart finished. i was going to send it, but decided to change things up at the last minute. i know who i'm giving my heart to this year. all that i have left to check off my list is well a whole bunch of things for sure. but i'm still diligently working on my package for nina. things are coming together in a very special way.

i am wondering* my last post was really about my heart and my mind being in the same place. being that deep about anything specific isn't really something i like to post about but it had just happened on thursday morning last week. i was not discouraged before nor was i lost in my art before. i have been feeling very productive in the last view months and my reaction to the morning study on thursday was purely emotional. it wasn't all about making art for me. it was about being me-cat.

as a single woman-girl-daughter-sister-friend. i have gone through different phases. it is really very different, being all alone. i don't write alot about my feelings on the matter because it doesn't matter all the time. there isn't one thing anyone can do to change my view of being single. it doesn't matter how social or unsocial i am. it doesn't matter how much i know or don't know. it doesn't matter how much i try. *these are/have been some of my thoughts: is there something wrong with my personality, am i too strong, am i too short, is my butt too big, am i intimidating, are men actually the weaker species, do i want to be married, do i really need to have children:to have children, am i a better person because i am unattached, do i have a closer relationship with christ:less of a chance that a hu{man} can come between myself and my maker. should i just put out on the first date, and the list could go on.

imagine coming home from working 9-5 and 6-9 to an empty apartment. sometimes it is good, i mean really good. the quiet is incredible, the peace and rest is overwhelming. i do not have to share. i do not have to respect-respect myself-learning to take care of my physical being. i do not have to bow-submit-discipline. except handling my finances every day becomes a hassle, handling the cleaning, the eating, the daily habits, the character issues that arise are just a little harder to get at because there isn't a husband to point it out. don't get me wrong, there is mom and kate, jen and matt, even m.c. and laurie and my brother aaron: these people keep me. i'm reminded of the path, my goodness.

i'm not going to be a better person if i all of a sudden get married and start having kids. if i get married i'm not all of a sudden going to start making art that sells all over the place, i'm not going to start making art that i really want to show in galleries. i am not going to start being wealthy, i'm not going to just all of a sudden be happier. i'm not all of a sudden going to have "it". having a man to validate big huge portions of my life would be nice, but it's not necessary for breath, nor true living, or simple faith and hope. being married isn't even a command and yet if i'm in a room of a lot a lot of married couples i feel like i might just disappear. the study on thursday, really simply reminded my of how really dear i am to my creator. her words reminded me of my gifts, my talents, my depth and my offerings. it reminded that whether i am single or married i may often feel orphaned. whether i have children or not i may always need maternal validity. i remembered that persceptions of me aren't always truth, fact, or even important and that i am god's daughter, adopted by him, invited into his home, called to obey him first-no matter what.

there's no need for you all to worry. i appreciate your thoughts, love and prayers, but nothing is wrong. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. and i didn't mean to convey a spirit of sadness, i meant to have expressed this, this way^. that's all.

2 comments:

katiek said...

I love your transparency and I love how you constantly remind me that you got one awesome head on those shoulders. your cool.

jen said...

love your honesty...
love you