s t i l l

i s t i l l have christmas plastic window adhesives sticking to my windows. i suppose no one else has noticed, so what's the big deal? this week life has stilled, become a little more silent, peaceful and less contrary. i am on the mend. a mental and emotional mend that i have kept mostly to myself. i feel less weary, less worried, less fearful, less speechless, less tearful, and so life goes on. and really on it does. i have felt more like myself and less like a rug. i am not sure about how i'm going to go about picking up where i have left off with so much. something was born in me, this ultra sense of responsibility. within, i forgot about responsibility for the majority of my late teens and early twenties, and now having been in my thirties for 2 years i feel like i'm playing catch up. it has been difficult forgiving myself for the loss, thinking about what 'could've been', wondering about the 'should have's', pretty pointless, right? now i know and my eyes have been opened within, grace. i really see more and can handle more and know that i'm loved. s t i l l loved for who i truly am. sometimes i fight having any responsibility, the weight of the world. to love and be loved can be a pretty heavy undertaking, especially when for some many years i forgot to love myself first. anyone else have that problem, sometimes? i have got to learn to live and give myself a b.r.e.a.k. a chance to breath and silence the lies. who am i alone?

this week i feel like i accomplished a whole lot. though not like in art or cleaning or putting away my piles of laundry or quitting smoking or losing 3 pounds or whatever. i accomplished a little forgiveness, i feel like i allowed myself some grace, this feels huge. i feel like i gave myself a get out of jail free card, a tender pat on the back, a 'it'll be ok'.

i sent out the beehive tree, hoping it finds a loving home. posted clothesline financials, letters, and applications, i worked my second to last saturday at cvs, bought a great little father's day gift, went to the village market, finished reading what is the what by dave eggers, neglected to pick up my csa veggies, yet-but all in all feel relief and restoration.

this next week holds an entire new series of things to accomplish, concreting ideas for art.ama.jig piece, sending out clothesline invites/applications for 09/08 show, and possibly cooking that indian food, channa masala, i keep thinking about.

happy father's day to my dad and brothers. you are the best men in my world. too!

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