hear no boo

awh, today would be just another day, if it weren't boo halloween. i'm not the celebratory type, but the workforce pushes the enevelope. so i'm here as a soccer player. there are hippies, a nun, and genie too. the excuse is that the "patients" like the costumes. i'm not so sure. i look like a little kid getting ready to go play a game. how can i be taken seriously here. i have a hard enough time. carla dressed up like a trucker, i'd say she wins the prize for most disguised. i always threaten to be invisible on halloween. there are quizzical stares and wonderings and then a lightbulb allows my coworkers to understand my statement. they just think that i'm weird because i don't want to dress up for halloween. it's not a holiday and i'm not so sure i know in my heart what scares me more. the adult desire to revert or the mountains of peanutbutter balls, chocolate covered pretzels, cupcakes, and chips/dips. i'll be a rolly polly soccer ball next year that i can guarantee. for me it's an excuse to wear my hair in pigtails. i also didn't have to do a lick of laundry last night inorder to wear clothing to work today.

i'm going to a little fall festival with my aunt c. tonight. then i might just hang out at home and watch joan of arcadia. there's no telling the evening shall be a mystery. tomorrow and the rest of the weekend i have no plans. i should finish the painting of the bicycle and plan for the next couple of weeks. i've got to get down to atlanta to take a picture of kate's display tent. oooooh brother. i don't have much time. and the financial aspect is going to hinder me if i'm not careful. one thing i know for sure is that as soon as i get the oppurtunity things will take off. i just need to be given a chance.

there's a project going on over here. i saw this picture of the doll dressed in a bee costume and thought that it would make a good project theme. but you know there are a few crafty girls out there already doing scarey dolls. yikezers!!! i do think what they create is absolutely wunderbar though. i'm thankful for the different inspiration. way to go!


i really like the colors in the boo halloween poster too. do you guys remember robert indiana? he is the artist who created love. it is now all over the world, but he's got quite a gaggle of other nice work. what happened to beautiful billboards and signs?
. i'd like to work on some signage someday. what would your signs say?

well i'm sure i have expired my welcome. this weekend should be the fruition of an idea i've had for sometime now. i'll keep you all informed.
have boobug halloween. yuck...

little engine that could

it is so different being a child and knowing what and who you believe in. even as a child when i would do something wrong the cushion seemed far more greater. i had my mom and dad's arms, their home, some really wonderful food or a nice big back yard, to fall back on. god's love seemed so much easier to grasp or readily available. there was no thinking about the hindrance as a temptation. i would either lie or sneak or i wouldn't. there weren't the complex thought processes of today. the sin was cut and dry. clean as a whistle. my sin has become so much more complicated. my need for christ is greater than it used to be. when i was a child i relied on my mom and dad's relationship with god and my faith grew around theirs. my faith became an addition.

yesterday i happened to call the 45 on my way to my aunt's home. he mentioned his weariness, irritability, poor eating, and smoking (black n blacks) as a result of sleep deprivation. he expressed a sincere concern for not only his physical health but for his mental and spiritual as well. he asked me if i would make a concerted effort to pray for him every day. he has always been concerned about hereditary heart disease, but he's carrying the stress of making a life in honolulu. he must work quite often so as to save money for a future apartment, future trips, and the future period! it's not enough for him to just want to get enough sleep or want to eat right or want to stop smoking as much. but it is quite enough for him to acknowledge god in his life. but he knows that he needs the support of others and the prayers of others. he is also beginning to understand that he can't control his life no matter how hard he trys. there is nothing he can do to get more rest or get more money. he can ask god to free him of the burden of having to do it all by himself.

it was a conversation that reminded me that sin grows in us if we let it. i suppose really the sin is always there, sense birth, we just become more and more aware of it all. my sin can seem insurmountable at times, as kate put it; we revert back to the sin as if it were the cushion.

Sometimes when I spend to much time thinking about myself I lose perspective and become what I hate to be--an antisocial-selfish-jerk-girl. Now I can really get into why I feel this way but I won't, I've just been having a tough time overcoming differences in others lately without feeling a bit grimacy. Just when I turn 28 years old I feel like I'm 16 all over again.

i am glad i'm no longer a child. i'm praying that aging makes facing my sin a little bit easier. that my heart will be humbled a little bit more each year that goes by. i think that god uses our physical weariness/appearance to show us our deep desire for him. it is not until i am so exhausted or sick that i am desperately grasping in prayer for his grace and mercy in my life. the 45 is definitely feeling the desperation. i believe that god refines me in the midst of my weakness so that i might be made free and strong in him. i am fortunate to have a support system of believers around me to encourage and pursue faith with me. it's something i have hated in the past, now i know. i am thankful for what god is doing in my life through others like the 45 and kate. through your lives i see christ.

jettison nova

oh i've missed being here. the days and nights have been of a one thing or another sort. friday evening with my family ended up being absolutely wonderful. we went to the canyon girll for dinner. i had crab cakes, garlic mashed potatos, and green beans. we each brought a bottle of wine i stuck with my favorite [yellow tail]. we ate and spoke of day to day sort of things, but it was a pleasant evening weather wise and the trees on the mountain have begun to change. it's often i forget about this time of year and can't believe my eyes when all of the reds, yellows and oranges start to pop. the mountain becomes a firey mound. then we went back to ethan and mary's home for a special dessert from rembrandt's, my mom's favorite italian creme cake. yum. we sat around and i thought to pray for my parentals, considering the fact that god has blessed me with their example. their marriage of thirty years is more than i could ever ask for and it seems to get better as the years go by. even my parents say so. they have had major struggles, but in the last five years they have grown enormously. i even see how they are different towards me. i wanted to thank god for their union and their commitment to him. i wanted to pray for their future. they still have a quite a few years left and there may be difficult things ahead. but they have endured a nay-saying society. we asked them all sorts of questions, which they freely answered without much hesitation. although my mom gets fairly embarassed. but i thought it was so cool that m.c. opened up her home for our little celebration and aaron and laurie went and bought the art we gave them. overall the evening went off without a hitch. horray parentals!!!

on saturday i babysat from 9am-1pm for the alexanders. four children ranging in age three months to eight years. my fingernails and toenails got a full color paint job. pure red. we mostly watched television. i couldn't go outside because luke was sleeping and then needed to be fed. but i did fix popcorn and let noey soak it with butter to the point where it was totally soggy and disgusting to eat. when i was finished babysitting i met x coworker at the pickle barrel for lunch. i got a half pitcher of amberbock. yum. then we went over to frazier avenue and shopped at river city apparel and blueskies. after that i was exhausted and had to take nap until babysitting at 8pm to midnight. oh brother. sunday was a little church. sunday evening was mural and then monday begins the work day all over again. i finished the painting of josiah knutson, but i won't have an updated photo quite yet. i have a plan though and you'll know if the scheme actually comes to fruition.

i'm pretty excited about what the 45 has been doing. he was able to get business cards too. djing in honolulu has just really taken off for him out there. he was supposed to start at united airlines on november 14, but he was actually offered an additional job, ref-in'/umpiring for the rec teams on hickam afb. believe it or not i would rather him not work the united job. it starts out third shift and he'd have to give up djing. i also thought that the second job on base is right up his alley. there is a whole host of reasons in the end, but we talked about it and i think he feels the same way that i do. for some reason the gym/rec jobs really seem like the wisest, most practical and realistic careers. i feel like it is better to be consistent than anything else including the moolah situation. i was really going through a rough patch thinking about my relationship with jas. now i feel like god has relieved me of some of the burden. i typically have control, fear, and anger issues that play a role in my conflict with jas. but i have been learning to let go and trust god for the direction in the relationship. i continue to feel the holy spirit's work in my life. the seed has burst and is sprouting up through the soil to the sun.

look at this beautiful bird from veer.

the nature of my struggle

i have just finished reading home is where one starts from. i haven't been reading for many days now, but she is the sister of some others of my friends. one thing that i get discouraged by is being an artist in a world of artists. how am i unique, how will i create original art that no one else has seen before. i also struggle with feeling like i see and feel things as an artist much differently than non artist types. i often have extreme feelings of sadness when i see and experience beautiful things. i have grown to have a hard shell of emotion about me. i have become much softer through repentance, forgiveness and god's miraculous grace. i wanted to kinda respond to some of the things that kelly expressed. i want to soak up the beauty and become the landscape, similar to the pain that kelly experiences because she wants to be in "them."

i remember a conversation from way back when i was a teenager, sitting in a field looking out over grass and trees and distant mountains. i don't remember which friend was keeping me company, but i remember sharing feelings of longing brought on by the beauty of our surroundings. i remember the feeling, because it's followed me ever since and it follows me still. at the time i described it as not being able to enjoy the trees because the pain of wanting to be in them was too great. i hoped heaven was the kind of place where great beauty didn't cause pain.

it is a pain that i feel. a feeling of being displaced in the beauty and not knowing where i fit or how to describe myself as a potential part of the beauty. there are these moments of longing for something more. i struggle with mourning the destruction and consequences of human failure. in the midst of pain or suffering it is much easier to ignore the positive or the miraculous, because the pain maybe so great. yet in beauty the positivity and miraculous is all too obvious and overwhelming. i feel incapable of experiencing joy the way that i should or could. i have wondered what in my life has taken my joy from me that when i see something wonderful i can't even accept it. i came to some resolution in realizing that my joy is stolen by the ugly beliefs i have in my heart. i tend to believe that i don't deserve the beauty or the joy. that belief to me is a direct result of the fact that i don't trust that god claims me as his daughter. bottom line. maybe i cry when i see beautiful things because i have a faith that tells me god's creation is one part of all the promises he keeps with me. sometimes i am humbled and moved too deeply to speak or i want so badly to leave work and curl up in a blanket outside on the grass under a bright tree, sorta like kelly in the field. i think the most important thing for me is to learn to not react against the experience. it is far more difficult achieving nonreaction than it is to say it. but my confidence and contentment doesn't have much to do with what i do or don't do. i'll screw up one way or another. backwards, forwards, horizontally, vertically a mess. but yes of course the contentment is the stand that christ takes beside me. the comfort of knowing i do not have joy all of the time. christ knows that the beauty we experience must bring conflict into our lives. we know of the kingdom, we see the kingdom at work, we have faith in the promises of the kingdom but what we see and hear and feel here on earth is a just a reflection. it is exciting and breathtaking in those moments, but in many ways it is a temporary beauty that sustains us only when we believe. it doesn't surprise me that so many artists isolate themselves or disconnect in abstract ways. very few people are given the gift of creating and making. i believe in my artist ways that i am close to god, just as a business man might be close to god. we are indeed made in his image. i'll spend time thinking about that but in the long run letting go and thinking less makes a little bit of the process easier. letting go to trust. letting go to be made softer.

adventure advantage

yesterday i decided to embark on a very new adventure. i can't say what exactly came over me, may be a little something like a 'new lease on life,' that has more to do with my life as an artist than anything else. i feel like a motivated artist who consistently makes or works to express herself through creating art. i haven't ever been motivated by a profession in art or by money. i have a little artistic project going all the time. interestingly enough i have never set goals for myself as an artist. i very rarely set goals for myself in any part of my life though. i had a goal to pay of my debt and to buy a brand new car. i even wanted to buy a computer at one point or another but the 45 has let me borrow his for the time being. artistically i am less interested in making goals because of the pressure and expectation involved. i have felt more prolific without the constant demand to produce work. i am happy that many people have my art in their homes. i suppose that my general goal was to share my work with people no matter what. there have been a few occassions when someone has paid me for the piece of art, but very rarely. fenn has the elephant piece she bought in lakeland and aaron bought the companion piece of the bird for laurie for her birthday. jk1000 bought an anniversary piece for kk1000 and the first piece i sold belongs to this lady named janet job. but all of this selling has been spread out over ten years or so. no real profit here.

all of the sudden i feel motivated to join ava. i saw my friend phillip swafford at lamar's a couple of weekends ago and he asked why i wasn't a member of ava. i hadn't time for a brillant excuse. i am intimidated by the financial factor. that is about it. i have plenty of work. i am able to produce plenty as well. i am also going to apply for entrance into the 4BridgesArtsFestival. i have asked kk if i could borrow her booth/tent and she has so graciously assured me that it would be no problem. i have got quite a gaggle of work ahead of me. but i'm up for the enormous adventure. the 45 has told me of his support. and i am hoping that as people hear of my new idea that prayers will bless this time. i have found the greatest site on the face of the earth. it will actually help me to make the sort of stationary that i want to. now i'll have to have some goals here.

a. go to atl to take pics/slides of the booth/tent
b. make a gaggle of more art
c. have slides made
d. have work framed at framewrights
e. bring booth/tent up to chattanooga
f. make the november application deadline
g. buy the euro pro
h. buy from the paper source
i. pray a school of prayers

away from home

i miss being at home at the grand. i have been away from my apartment sense friday afternoon when i left to go to atlanta. when i came back from atlanta on sunday i stopped in at the apartment to repack my bags and head out to the parentals house. my mom and dad asked me to stay at their home with smoore while they were spending their thirtieth wedding anniversary at a boyd mountain b&b. they will be back this afternoon, if they aren't already back by now. in this day and time it is amazing that i have parents that are still married after thirty years. they were married when they were nineteen and met when they were fourteen. my mom and dad have known eachother for over half their lives. they spent the time away evaluating the positive, negative, loses, victories of the past years and looking towards the future in the same way. planning for the next ten years is what my mom said. my parents are incredible individuals. it is unsettling a bit to be an adult child of theirs because they have grown to be so open and transparent. they have admitted their mistakes from the past and have asked forgiveness and moved forward in service and love. i have had a difficult unwarrented mistrust of my parents love. most of that negativity in me has been washed away. my parents have worked hard searching their hearts for answers when i have reacted in mistrust and rebellion. i know deeply that my mom and dad love me. their faith has bridged the gap in our relationship. i am still learning. i am thankful for the time they've gotten to have in boyd mountain. it is important for them to get a break from life. but i will be really glad when they get home today. there is a bad accident on seventy five south near the cloud springs exit. lifeforce had to be called in to take out the injured.

friday evening my brothers, ethan and aaron and my sisters mary and laurie and suzanne are going to help my parents celebrate their marriage we have a really nice evening planned. it should be the highlight of my week.

i have gotten some great ideas about my next projects. i've got two new canvas that i'll be painting and i am just applying some of the things i saw at the art fest to the images i already have in my brain. tonight i should have some time to do a little tinkering with the paper, paint, sissors and glue.

angry woebot

the 45 found this great sign that holds a very dear expression. it all started while i was visiting honolulu in may and jas and i were going on and off hickam afb a whole lot. there was a flashing sign that said "carelessness is dangerousness." then jas said that there were a bunch of those sorts of little sayings. like: "if you don't know, don't go.", "if in doubt, don't go out", "loose lips sink ships", "it's cheaper to keep her." so on and so forth. when jas went to the beach the other day, he saw this sign and he took a picture of it for me.

jas actually hurt himself that same day out in the water. he got caught up in a wave and then was pushed into the sharp rocks below. he obviously did not take the signs advice. but he said the near death experience hit home. a chunk of his foot was cut off by a rock and he has been limping around. next time he's in doubt he won't go out.



the 45 also took a few pictures of a graffiti artist he saw the other night, making art in some club. timber 1 and his angry woebots. i like this work quite a bit.


again jas was out and about and he thought to take some great pictures of the honolulu night life as well as the art scene.

this past weekend i went to atlanta to visit with kate and joel and josiah. kate participated in an art festival in cartersville. we had a great time together. it was so good to see josiah again. it seemed to me that kate got some really good feedback from her work. there were actually good artists represented in the festival. fine art work. i saw no collage though. i'm thinking that collage is just one of those mediums that is overlooked and underdone. maybe it isn't really considered fine art. in my experience i'd think of it as fine. but i've always struggled with knowing how collage fits into the rest of the art world. i'll leave you with another couple photos.

trouble in the suez

as much as i would like to beable to i cannot say that i am having a terrific day. my day started nicely with a hot cup of bad ass coffee. and a bowl of oatmeal raisin crisp. the 45 called me on his way home from the club he was playing at last night. it was a pleasant coversation as he was getting lost in chinatown and going through minature lakes. i was just a tiny bit late for work and began what i thought might be an enjoyable workday experience. without going into much detail i had a patient that was upset and rude and i broke down a little bit. i really like the job that i have. i like the detail and the fact that it's such a real life kind of job that any flakyness that i might carry around as an artist balances out in my personality and character. i have a difficult time facing the fact that the healthcare system is in a crisis. the course of work here constantly changes too.

samples

i spoke with my mom last night about all of my project(ed) ideas. the key shall be the sewing machine though. she thought it might be a good birthday gift. i would definitely like that. but i've been wanting to make a book and music list for my birthday list. who knows what's really going to happen. i spend a good amount of time each day looking at my favorite blogs. there's always someone off to the fabric store buying this, that or the other vintage fabric, thrift store t-shirts, yarn, felt, wool, buttons, et cetera. it could all become very overwhelming i suppose, but generally it all makes my world turn just a little bit smoother. i sit at work in the more free moments of the day pondering a life with activities outside of having a nine to five, monday through friday. i have the 45 but he lives so far away that my evenings are spent mostly at home in my apartment alone. that's not a bad thing at all. it leaves plenty of time for sampling my ideas.

dwindling

the daylight is shorter now. in the morning when i wake up it is still dark outside. the red glow from the street lights give off a false feeling of warmth, but i know the weather outside is going to be turning frightful. i woke up this morning and it was raining. not exactly what i thought was a nice idea for the day. i stayed up late last night reading. i've kinda put the 9/11 commission report aside for now. i'm not as interested in the recommendations even though that's the whole point of the report. i have had the mammoth hunters for sometime now and thought it was time to pick it up. i've read the first two in the trilogy which were were interesting, but i completely lost focus after the second valley of the horses. they really just became predictable, but once i've got a book in my hands i feel i must see the reading of it through.

this past weekend i said goodbye to my friend little sara. she's decided to move back to seattle. while she was here sense moving back in febuary we rarely saw eachother until thursday night she called and said she was moving back and that she's was going to be at lamars to say goodbye to everyone. heroes for horses were playing, but i spent most of my time talking with friends. then on friday night sara and jenny and i met for sushi at "H" for Hiroshi's. after that we went back to lamar's. i ended up talking politics the whole evening with a friend. we surprisingly seemed to agree politically, which is rare amoungst my friends.

on saturday i spent most of the day with my dad. we went to smoore's and emoore's regatta. i had never been to a competition, nor did i know anything about the sport.


that evening i went and saw friday night lights. the movie was just alright for me. my dad really enjoyed it and tim mcgraw was great at being a real jerk in the movie. the times that my dad and i go out are when my mom goes out of town. he and i go out it seems like once a year for a 'father-daughter' date. we go out to eat and then to a movie. my mom and my aunt cathy went up to new jersey to visit with my grandmother. my nana isn't doing so well and they wanted to see if they could help her a little bit. they enjoyed themselves, but the time was somewhat exhausting and emotionally stretching.

i haven't been doing any art lately. i am almost finished with the mission conference poster, but not quite. it's like in two weeks. the committee made it a little harder on me this time. the concept hasn't been as easy to come up with.

dj mini mart

I'm right behind you, don't turn around
I was the one who cut your first song
Get in the backseat and keep your head down
Didn't I shout it all night long?
Now you're a fabled record star
And I'm DJ Mini-Mart
Cause that's where I work

per minus5
down with wilco

the process of giving yourself a dj name has always intrigued and inspired me. i've never once stood behind turntables and peeled the banana with two records, but i certainatly appreciate the naming part. i know a few dj's and their names, i suppose really mean something to their audiences. one of them happens to be the 45 that i refer to some, who also happens to be my man. He prefers 45Revolver to Dj Jahson, but he's often booked under both names.




then there's this guy who rarely spins out anymore, but remains busy making music.

i've come up with a few dj names for myself.

dj rip van winkle
dj dopeattic
dj geebus
dj dj

anyway that's that.

something else i like to do is

parade vs. harpers

do any of you ever read harpers? i don't know of many people who do. we have a subscription to it here at work and occasionally if i see something of interest i'll take it for my personal consumption. i particularly like the art but every once in a while there's something like this:


Death Be Not Proud
Posted on Thursday, March 18, 2004. The following is a list of "theme funerals" compiled by the National Funeral Directors and Morticians Association. Originally from Harper's Magazine, December 2002.
SourcesAirport: If the loved one was a pilot, rent a hangar at the local airport. Local pilots would fly out of hangar, land, and line up their aircraft in order of age of craft.

Aquarium: Rent the local aquarium after hour of closing. Excellent viewing environment.

Banker: Rent a local bank or use your local branch. Set up on the officers' side of the building, and make sure the window blinds are closed. Still gives the family some privacy.

Boat Cruise: Rent a three-hour boat cruise. An environment for viewing and also for cremation service.

Family Reunion: Loved one is placed in the living room of host family as the family celebrates annual family reunion.

Go-cart Racing: Only during the spring and summer, after closing hours. Excellent viewing location. The visiting family and friends use go-carts. Dress the loved one in a car-racing suit.

Horse Racing: Rent the track during off-season. Viewing in the horse stables, and jockey uniform on the deceased. Use racing tickets and racing booklet as program, with obituary included within.

Living Room: Loved one is laid out near a La-Z-Boy lounger, with television, remote control, and faux cigar in the ashtray.

New Orleans Jazz Funeral: Two-horse-drawn hearse with jazz band leading to cemetery. Along with two dozen doves released.

Shopping-Mall Spree: Some malls have rental space available for meetings. Use this area for viewing. Funerals cannot be held during the day, due to poor taste for shoppers.

Toy Land: Excellent for the kid in all of us. Use all the favorite toys, TV shows, and records, as well as movies. Posters and banners are extra touches.

Train: Old train museum for viewing and funeral. Before leaving for cemetery, put family and body on a three-mile train ride (returns back to the museum). Then to the cemetery.

Wal-Mart (or special store of choice): Have the viewing room in a store. Use signs, discounts, and items most purchased by the deceased.

Working Man: All the working tools of the person's profession or trade. Dress in work clothes; if not, have the clothing on a plastic adult doll. A 4x4 will be used as the hearse to the cemetery.

Zoo Keeper: Rent the local zoo, after closing, for a private viewing. NOTE: the location would be where the deceased visited often. In a recent case, it was the elephant area.



one of my coworkers just told me she wants to write a book. i told her about first books. i once wanted to write a book. when i found this place a sales rep called me once a month to see how my book was coming along. kinda funny because i hadn't really ever started and i had no news to tell him of the book writing sort. we mostly just talked about the weather or something less interesting.

some of you may also know about this little place. sometimes if i want to cheer up by exhausting my game playing fingers i'll go to orisinal. i hope you like it as much as i do.