grief relief in sovereignty

with all that shakes, shatters and strikes a monumental catastrophy like katrina turns my stomach inside out. i am far from humbled enough. far from a healthy amount of fear for the power of christ, the almighty force behind destruction here and there. i am terribly aware of the death, but have not truly felt it until today. i cannot imagine, nor will i pretend to understand the feelings. i may have lost a whole lot of nothing in the housefire, three years ago, but i wasn't a refugee, a wanderer. my aunt offered her guest room to me for a month while i looked for a new apartment. my family, especially mom and pops helped tremendously at the time. it was devastating at the time and now i barely remember all of the feelings, except when i see and hear footage from this last weeks weather events.

one side note: while watching the weather the other night the weatherman mentioned "a great big slug of a storm approaching!" have you ever heard such a term? when did weathermen start using such profanity while predicting the weather.

i held and petted a trantula last night at a friend of a friends home. the female T. was quite pleasant and light as a feather. her name is mel mel melissa. or maybe mellie, sorta like nellie. i could not get along with a spider, much like i do not like cats or even dogs. but i would most definitely need a bird, someday. spiders have organs like humans, except their heart, brain, lungs and ovaries all seem to be about the same size. can you imagine, spider ovulation? yikes! here we are at the end of the month. i was able to finally get out a small package to good ole melissa c. funny how when you begin a correspondence with someone, you grow to be so familiar with them. much like hannah, the news of her pregnancy, bringing me as much joy, as if it were a dear family member or friend. i am also amazed at my dorkiness, sheer dork ish. i happened to have a doctor's appointment back in july, my regular gyn check up and so i decided to take my notecards, sift thru the letters, and write a few pals back. i always must wait and wait forever at dr. jones office. yuck. i don't even like reminding myself of the wait there. i began a letter to hannah and whalah! was called in the middle of the letter to a room. just slipped the card into the envelope, sealed and delievered. right there in the middle of writing, i'm sure a splendid little sentence. how dork-ish is that? so hannah shoots me and email yesterday and asks, why the mysteriousness? there is no mystery, even though i'm all about hiding and only slightly giving clues. i would like to offer my formal regrets here:( oh brother.

crafting time is coming this way. with the weekend off, or at least the majority. i'm sure i'll find some time to delve into the apron unknown again. just ask lu, what kind of a seamstress i am. dainty my ass-tronaut! all in good fun and handi-work. lately i haven't felt like blogging so much. instead i've been writing a whole hell of a lot in my "paper" journal. so much to wonder. i am amazed by life and subdued my it's incongruencies and parallel's. irony playing with irony at every corner. i am at once tired and without sleep and insomnia rules. the sirens, streetsweepers, and sidewalk conversations crowd out even the slightest urge to doze. i'll catch up come sunday. missing the craft. hopes and great prayers for grief relief stretch like we bloggers across the country to new orleans, mississippi, the gulf gulf gulf. ahh! what about cafe' de monde's? saint bernard's campground? oh well.

the weak in my tree

scientists are able to explain a trees rings when, for instance, a severe draught or period of growth has occured. i am not certain where i picked up this little piece of knowledge, probably from my gptv-pbs stations. i understand that in the last couple of days i have neglected self portrait tuesday and no waste wednesday. you have to know that i am moving in a direction. actually many directions and so time is limited, especially here.

over the weekend i became upset about issues involving an ex boyfriend of mine. i broke up with him back in december of 2004 and feel completely, that i made the best ever decision. i did not mind him calling me and i did not mind his long distant pursuit of me or whatever. although i was not pursuing a relationship with him. i have thought him lost and incomplete, too many red flags. I should have stopped talking with him altogether, but it is difficult. man at twenty nine i am still learning about standards and boundaries. it is tough, marking my territory, yet remaining open to love and vunerability. i do not miss or mourn the relationship. and i told him that i wish for his presense to be obsolete. yes the weekend provided a opportunity for me to devote some thought to my role, my ishas. i am constantly having to remind myself that god, right now, is my husband, my partner, my reason for living. i really can share everything with christ who ultimately is my best friend, a warrior with me in the battles of my life. cheese overflows, but it is all true and more comforting, knowing that i do not have to rely on a 'weak' man. i have no desire to be with someone who constantly needs affirmation from me. a man of faith needs only the affirmation from christ. this ex has no true faith, otherwise i think he'd lay off and understand his need is not in me. i have no desire to be the one to lead him, at all. i often feel too strong and don't see the strength in most men that i think is necessary in my life and in a relationship/marriage.

this is entirely too blah, to end on this sort of note. no craft, no art news. although i did feel a renewal of art interest. i made some buttons and a box, but no aprons. i need to make those aprons!!! right kate!!! okay so now i am outta here.

weary warrior

i have got to spit it out and let you in on another artist i found. courtney wotherspoon illustrations is bangin'!!! the sample is one of my faves, but you've got to see 'tread here.' i am not going to show it, so you'll be forced to find it. kate k. had done a few sketches of her husband at one point or another and this next one really reminds me of that work of hers. nick cicciola has a nice positive-negative space thing going on. i honestly think that that is what first attracts me to a work of art. ever sense highschool i have been addicted to pos-neg space. i do not think my art even incorporates a whole lot of the technique or concept, but you know my friend erin p. is producting a whole bunch of work and we have got to get her on the web, showing that shit off man. check out the piece below, i ramble like a buffalo. today for lunch the office got taco schmac. i decided to get a salmon salad. it was half way decent, i should not complain an ounce though, considering the meal was free per dr. john mccravey for nikki's birthday.

work has been alright. the conflict comes and goes and man molly g. you are totally right things, like finishing work. i must sound as though i have a ton of unfinished work. literally...
i still have aprons to produce, two clipboard pieces need the finishing touches/slides/frames. i have the two pieces one the old checker board bird/fish piece and crimpeays. i feel terrible because i wrote melissa, a pal from snailmail a letter like two months ago, i was putting together a care package and whalaa! blah! it hasn't moved from my kitchen/project/catch-all table.

i woke up this morning and haven't gotten laundry done in two weeks, no clean underwares. that's totally embarassing, but true. on top of that i put my underwares on inside out. tag sticking out and all, carolyn n da city saying she was going to but sezy stuff for me now that i've lost a few pounds. i cannot see that happening.

the night before last night the fire alarm in my building-thirty six total apartments, went off four separate times. starting at 3:55am. of course the first, i dressed, gathered my cell-e, purse, and keys and kicked myself to the curb until the firemen gave the all's good on re-entry. the second and third time i decided to lay in bed and wait for a. the fire or smoke to kill me or b. the fireman to bang down my door or c. sleep thru explosive buzzing sounds. by the fourth time i was heading out the door to work, a dreary grumpy self, thinking that coming home to nothing, losing everything to fire again, might be a small relief. clothes, art, paint and project table awry anyway. so maybe i should have a party to motivate the clean up cause.

list o things which i will occassionally put together:

1. speeding ticket due september 12 - dublin GA

2. apt. lease ending september 1, wishing for a house to rent with someone.

3. art finishing, slides, fotoed and framed

4. art cards with gallery st

5. 34/84 moral support for k. family

6. new job?

7. pay off the papa

can you all think of anything else i need to do? ah laundry, number one priority!!!

no waste wednesday

last week i totally fudged my no waste wednesday. last week was a bit of a drag. i know i am needing to make art when everything around me feels less than perfect. i feel ansy, shallow, tired and drained of my life. i often start to want to move from chattanooga and the escape mode kicks in swiftly. oo and it can get kinda rough around the apartment. it did not help that i worked my nine to five in addition to every night and the weekend at the rx, but after the show at b.l. i knew i needed to make another step up. so on monday like i said i took a sick day and worked solidly for around two or three hours on this 'crimpeays' painting. i also have another one going, but seem to have hit a block. but all of that is besides the point. my first thought was to take the pressure off and hit these sites up for inspiration.

i am just in love with the simple work of oksana badrak. the colors are nice, but there also seems to me to be a small bit of symbolism. below is yet another i believe my very favorite from this artist considering it is birds and all.



and yet here is another martha rich has bright work that appeals to my need to work really really large. big studio space here i come...


beautiful blue colors too. have i mentioned that my new favorite paint colors are red and blue like this, geez just wish i could swim in the color.



see gina triplett's work too. another favorite with the bird. i like those big ole drips too. freedom in expression is so wonderful. just a plain ole gift from god. and beauty has been shaped and formed by people like gina pushing the visual envelope. i also have to give a huge shout out to rachel salomon for all the greatest in linkage. rachel's work is absolutely phenom too!!!

in terms of musical inspirations...more of new order's 'NO' and a little bit o' the riddum o' reggea.
i am going to grab some lunch now.

c r i m p e a y s

after reading the da vinci code i have gotten more interested in the words or letters i pick to have in my work. i am now finishing up this painting. <---- "crimpeays" for years i have lived across the parking lot from this building. when i first moved in i used to want a pair of binoculars, to spy, of course. i would watch to see who were the late sleepers, early risers, and night stalkers. i really wanted one of those apartments, but eight hundred-one thousand seems a tad steep for my inclination and income. anyway, you all have prolly found these fotos at flickr, but being that i am painting this, and not a full version. but two canvas, this being the first of another. the other will be of a small shamrock (purple) that i took a photo of. another multi canvas piece.

art show @ barking legs went fair enough. around a hundred people showed up and i got a whole lot of good feedback. i would like to be a regular featured artist though, but in talking with socky i feel he has a whole lot of artists willing and able to show. the night went well and a little slow. but suzanne and i spoke a whole lot. saw denise and phillp and due to my small slowly enclosing walls around me i handed the 'buddha's flight' painting off to phillip s. hopefully he got it per his next door neighbor. my whole secret goal for the night was if someone came up to me who was terribly excited about a work and wanted to buy it i would freak them out and give it to him/her. i know kate knutson is going to be shocked, horrified and totally pissed that i give my work away, but i do not care...i do care...but not about making money, some money would be alright, but i'd rather have people all over the globe have my work than cut my chances in half, by putting a huge price tag on the cheap shit. so much of my work is on poster quality material, who even knows if it will last a hundred years? anyway. i am getting better at these sorts of things-

i also gave my piece of josiah- 'josiah's gift' away to melinda. shocked the living you know what out of her. very fun and exciting to be free of such things. i don't buy anyone's work, except for a few pieces of plush or trade here and there. i don't expect people to want to buy mine. plus i need more room to hang and move forward. i cannot move forward or progress if i have the old stuff collecting dust. do the research and see henry darger's thing on pbs sometime. i am not mentally ill, nor do i need antidepressants, it is just a 'cat' thing.

in other news, worked too much last week and felt completely horrible so i layed out sick yesterday. i had a really great day doing really nothing except painting. did not even watch any television. ye-ah!!! sorry kk for not getting special surprises to your parentals i'd like to hand deliver myself.

but um that's all for now.

red light

okay so the red has generally faded, by this photo. there are no real streaks at this point. and the sun and chlorine has bleached my hair out a bit. kate thought it would have been brighter, her comment while at hilton head. i cannot stand that low slung chin. really i swear i look better in the mirror when i am looking at myself. i don't have a full length, it is probably better that way.

here is a picture of the mural i have been working on for over a year too.

we three trees

oh the long awaited moments, reuniting with close close, very dearly missed friends. a while ago i went down to atlanta to see kate (middle) and took erin p. (left) with me. it was the first time the three of us had seen one another sense jenn green-krings wedding. we had such a nice time. i miss the days of spontaneous ciaos, but i am so grateful for the memories. i am so grateful i'm not so young anymore. the friendships get better with age, not half as difficult or strained. i totally know erin is going to croak when she see herself here. i had to find a photo, selfishly where i looked at least half decent. i am completely non photogenic. you'll notice that is why i crop a whole lot of the photos.

last night i laid out some scrapbooking thread around a couple things i have been painting. then i covered the piece with mod podge again. woke up this morning and it looks really nice. i also went to walmart again and got two canvas. i am getting more and more siked about the august 12th art & music show @ barking legs. i may need someone's help in trying to decide what to hang. if you know or have seen my work i'd like a hint at what i should do, it doesn't mean i will or won't take your opinion (kate, HINT HINT). anyway i'm off. i don't feel like writing anymore.

a no waste wednesday

i think from here on out i am going to try for a no waste wednesday. blogging can feel so self centered and lack organization and even inspiration. i know this because i have read plenty of blogs that lag, tragically my own most of the time. i spend many hours a day on the www seeking, saving, and savoring the small bits of delight cornered away for a day designed for them. i wanted to share lillian's work with you @ little galaxie. i spent last evening working on the texture of two of my pieces. i was at walmart on sunday and picked up some of that mod podge stuff. it seals, coats, and leaves a clear finish-like varnish on the work. i see other work that looks as though it has been dipped in clear resin and i admire it, wish it were my own finished product. i desire the thick clear coat. does anyone know how that is achieved?

i found a nice way of showing you beci orpin's work, through fred flare's site. tina at blueskies happens to sell fred flare items and i got beci's birthday book back several years ago. it has come in quite handy, considering there are birthday's galore to keep track of.


now aaron jasinski has a fantastic site. i love the way he has archived his older work. i enjoy the music and sound selections. and the site is very easy to mingle through. it is one of my favorite inspirations. wish i could show you just a peak.

ooo and take a bite out of jason poteet's vivid abstract ways. if you are more interested in the work of artists at arthouse60 check the link.

i suppose three is enough for no waste wednesdays. i also am very excited to have started a little shop at etsy for your purchasing pleasures. i haven't got but one card posted, but hope to boost my product line even further, do not hesitate to make your way to This FamilyTree--->sidebar.

and if you'd like to participate with no waste wednesdays hit me up with links or just blog the inspirations yourselves.

clutz city

i fell last night walking up the steps in the stairwell to my apartment. wham bam thank you ma'am. i felt so dorky, alone as my voice echoed and the fall bruised my ego. this morning my left upper arm blue and swollen. terribly pathetic. falling makes me feel old and tired.

last night i saw m. oyer, happened to be @ mr. zips at the same time. i wouldn't have looked over at the car parked next to me had he not waved. i haven't seen him sense jarius @ t-bones. funny how people move in and out of my life. he had unfortunate news of a dui this past weekend. first ever arrest, fifteen hours, and all because of 'click it or ticket.' the cop did not even have to pull him over, he was stopped at a red light and a cop noticed him not wearing the ole belt. you can image how it went from there though. i felt bold in asking if m. thought himself an alcoholic, of course he said NO! but the boundaries will help, limiting his intake. maybe serve forty eight hours, was able to keep his drivers license though. how's that?

i got into work this morning (on time) to find a small box from san francisco sitting on my desk. woohoo! the package for josiah and eden has arrived. now i must decide how to deliver. at this point i think kate will be more surprised than the kids, but i suppose that was the plan. thank you l. and i'll post photos, when i know that kate has gotten the dear delights.

all i feel i post lately are self portrait tuesdays. kate was nice enough to let me in on a little secret. or at least apart of the mystery is solved. don't know if kath red is the originator though. maybe she can help? anyway, the photos today are ones i've taken in the last year or so. one in the winter with the scarf my mommom in new jersey made for me, in the red bathroom light and the other in plain white/green mix bathroom. a mix and match clue.

started a fresh new read last night. dave eggers a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. so far so good. i have been listening to the new NEW ORDER cd, ben harper's diamonds on the inside with blessed to be a witness on it (12th track), lauren hill, and the new one from the white stripes. yikes i have never really listened to the 'whites' before. haven't fully come to any conclusions. thinking of swimming at my aunt's pool on saturday. liking the sun, painting fingernails and toenails. wishing my haircut was cut even shorter and debating whether or not i should chop at it myself. trying to think of some fresh new summer receipes. something with squash. or corn on the cob. wish i had a garden too.

forever clutz city coming out at you.

lone rangers

josiah j. knutson is two and a half years old, the son of a fairly tall father, he is half way in catching up with shortly me. despite our age difference, we get along very well. we have plenty in common and i claim to be his very first best friend. i was fortunate enough to be there as he fought his way into the world. the beauty and charge resonants with me as strongly now as it did that day.

most of the time josiah and i speak of music, especially the guitar, bass, sax and drums. it is quite interesting to see his mind and body express his young desire to be a musician. one day while @ hilton head, we were happy to hear dean the reggae artist perform out by the pool. we spent at least an hour out there, sole audience members. but josiah paid attention, i really think he got the concept of the microphone, speakers and possibly the mixer. all i had to say was the wire leading from each to the speaker made the sound louder. josiah became so animated as he repeated my exact words. we sang a whole bunch too. josiah enjoys my improvisational lyrics, thinking that they are real. he doesn't mind me throwing him around a bit, the rougher the louder the laughs and screams. i tried to get him to float on his back in the ocean, and kick his legs, but the concept of swimming versus drowning hasn't quite rooted in him. i appreciated his joy and willingness to do almost anything. kate and joel have been really good parents thus far. josiah is a good kid though, his fuss and muss is usually because of tiredness, no spoiling, except for a little coca cola, which he thinks is hot and has a hard time swallowing. it's a good thing though.

i had never been to hilton head before, and truly everything is in the bushes/trees. hidden with tiny signs. i'd like to go back someday and explore a little more. stopped in savannah on our way back. i have been to savannah before. once in '94 to visit SCAD and the second time with darren hawk and brian whitacre, camping on tybee. i got burnt like a piece of toast out there. not a great trip. this time around was a whole lot more fun. considering i'd never shopped the shops. bought a cool birthday present with suzanne for laurie coe collier aka sister in law. we only stayed a short while, due to the fact that i had to drive the rest of the way back, so we left four pm afternoon, got back around eleven. not bad. although, i did get a speeding ticket on my way down 87 in a 70. oops! can't say i was to upset. moolah isn't due until september 12th, got sometime. but we saw a ton of the po-po. must've needed to meet the monthly quota.

when i got home there was a package from the 45, with his new cd, redda fire, about eleven engraved name plates for my framed work, fliers, and a poster. nice it up surprise, like the old days. had to write him back and ask the obvious questions, that i never ask. oh well. i am not too terribly interested in having a long distance anything. i am thankful for the mere friendship. i just am not going to be responsible for carrying any of the weight. period.

now that my summer vacations are over, i'll be looking at projects, job opportunities, and such more closely. i have got a few pieces i need framed for my august twelth show other than that i may be set. took my film to walmart last night. chattanooga hasn't got a ritz anymore and wolfe screws up black n white. we shall see, i'm looking forward to the photo cd. i always feel like i run low on the photos. the rest of the week i've got to be at the rx every night. so umm, back to normal. fast paced, cyclical yet good for me.