by way of introduction

self portrait challenge

in way of introduction, i missed last week. i take a whole helluvalot of photos of myself. you'll never see them though, i tend to delete over ninty percent of them. only a handful reach the public spectrum. i suppose we all do the same thing, don't we? it'd be a first, and maybe one day i'll grow the muscles enough to post the really bad photos of myself. it is embarassing to even think about putting up the less than desirables.

intro:

i am so short you guys! so first, back in 2002 i lost my bed and so the doctor's that i work for, were too kind and bought me the bed of my wishes. the bed i chose is big and i've got to kinda hoist myself upon it. secondly, i have a bike that i got from my aunt c. that i've not ridden but wish to. and thirdly i've got a lamp that doesn't have the wire or shade, but is an antique. the mirror was a gift and now i look at myself more than i ever have before. i wish the reflection was less blurry, but glad it isn't. my legs won't ever touch the ground as i sit on the end of my bed. i'm below five feet and my legs are super short. my favorite part of is my hair. i think that i have some pretty hair. that and my madeup eyes might just be what i think is the best part of me.

the other part of me intro: i think i still like my apartment. i like some knick knacks. i have a heart for books and low red/orange light that glows. i do not like my black kitchen counter tops. i do not like clutter but tend to have some here and there. package piles to be sent out, bills/reciepts and cvs schedules, magazines galore! i love eggcups and have a small but varied collection of yellow cups mostly. i still have a valentine mobile from dear kate hanging as well as my "i'm very proud of my" paper flower christmas wreath. the two seasonal items pass under the holiday "fadar" due to the fact that both are slightly less holiday-ish, just colorful.

last night i came home after hanging out with matt for a little while. earlier in the day i came home from the office to a sweet sounding package in my mailbox. one of the last times i saw kate, she came over and we were up until the wee hours of the night. a part of our conversation was devoted to my new found appreciation for praise and worship music. it's different than what i grew up with at ncf, a combination of things have changed and so my tolerance for xtian music. but i suppose i could recieve a whole lot of critisism because of my desire to follow my faith and hence listen to this sort of music. but i am thinking that i do not care. the cd's include 'enter the worship circle', hungry & surrender which are two vineyard cd's, sara and another woman. and a prophetic cd with jason upton on it. after all these years, after my love for indie, hiphop, electronic, and folksy music fade i suppose therein lies pnw! and miracles do happen! ask someone who has had cancer and all of a sudden it is gone from there body, no explaination!!! but that's beside the point. i'd like to know what kind of miracles you've experienced in the last day or two. just to see, ya know?

so anyway i'm out.

crash boom bang

i have been exploring and absurbing the www. don't you just love it? especially when you've got the time to delve and dig around. well honestly i bought a few magazines and now i'm just linking it up. check out the hot new summer products. the red getaway tote from BUILT isn't something i think i'd ever use only because it's a cooler, ah cooler. call me crazy but i'd carry this roundy as a purse. i think it'd make a great belated mother's day gift only because all of you out there write about your purse contents and it always includes perishables, right? so whathahec? i worked this weekend and draggled any free time away. i finally ordered a new bathing suit from llbean. my mom so kindly measured me and i've come out of the wash, kinda shrunk!!! it's official i've dropped from a size 16 to a brand new size 10. i'm not the same girl and who knew it'd be this satisfying!!! thanks to the ever encouraging words of the mom person, kate and awh matt. yes maybe it all started with the biggest loser and matt, but i'm pleased at least i'm keeping the weight off. walking helps too, so maybe i'm a little responsible for the success! "pat on the back"

on to fresh citrus-E, flora and fish-E things from dermond peterson design. they're simple monochromatic designs are a big hit with me. it is all a hugely expensive bit, but i know all you out there doing the freezer paper stencils might just find some INSPIRATION (hint hint kate!) i haven't seen anyone try out the fruit n' floral thing yet, maybe that idea is dried up, whoknows? i love the idea of yellow! see lemonade stand theme crossing the globe for summer...

i never feel like i miss out a whole lot. i generally, generally feel like apart of the creative community, but when i come across a cool creative corner of the spyderweb i'm totally blundered, bowled over with awe. the polka dot life is just one example of how one might be walking down the street and then the most amazing store window appears upon the horizon! whaalaa! beauty overwhelmingly love applys! take a looksee, i really like the pockiebooks, and sweet bookplates. just a fiend for bookplates. i'm kinda like ellia with my books although i'm not as organized. i like having my books displayed by color and size.

i only have a few more things to add...

1. who knows who dan robbins is? anyone? well, um he's featured in one of the mag's i purchased...think paint by number!!! anyway he's got a website and you all might just be thrilled like me to get in on the viewing capabilities. danrobbinspaintbynumbersguru.com

sheesh!!!

see the cute purse

2. alicia lachance
look at her art girls! especially the green on the second page. can you believe it?

anyway i'm off, just thought i spend sometime catching you all up on the fine work of others out there.

TILT* & more from the mouth

just look at these little guys!!! when aaron and laurie went to prague for their honeymoon they brought me back a couple of these little ones, i believe the hedgehog and ummmm maybe the owl, i actually have forgotten...jen gave me another three, two christmas's ago. the five of these tiny little glass creatures sit in my special box on my kitchen counter in the corner. even though i have scaled back on the nick nacky stuff, i still must have a place display my favorite small things. so for thursday i love my little things. i actually haven't got much more. this morning i felt terrible and thought i might not make it to work. i felt dizzy and top heavy for some reason...i feel much better and don't mind the sweet green tea frappe' from charbucks, yumi! i haven't got to work tonight, so maybe i'll get some painting done. we shall see. i have the vintage love swap and another postcard swap to work through in the next couple of weeks. i have pics from the weekend with friends and fam but haven't got to a pc with my wire to upload. yikes!!!



see more love here

to be a mother

a day or two late but nonetheless here, thinking, reading other thoughts and reflecting on my mother and what it must mean to be a mother. i am not a mother of my own children yet. although, i have done my share of babysitting so i have never felt the void of caring for or nurturing children. i have experienced the great miracle of childbirth as kate gave me, when josiah came into this world three years ago. i have come as close as you can get to a mother's sheer joy and maddening panic in the many years i have watched other people's children. for a season babysitting was my second income and so it was nothing for me to have several families call on me at least once a week. at one point i was watching nine children every wednesday night, while their parents took a course in financial peace.

this past saturday evening i went out to the kring's house for a going away party for the perkins. while there i had the realization that i was the only single female amoungst the bunch and that i had many children, many many children (indeed, all of my friends children). my mother always wanted six children when she and my dad were starting our family. they stopped at three, but they've gained four more through adoption and marriage. i was talking with my mom on saturday, actually i was listening to my mother "vent." which is a totally incredible thing to be able to do, now. i know that my mother wishes she could spend more time at home, in her garden, writing and reading and i think that time will come. she's been sacrificing her whole entire life, with never a true moment for herself. just for herself. i told her that she is the best mother in the world. really the best. i cannot imagine that she ever has moments of regret or dispair only because she never shows it. but i know that times have been tough, i see how my mother has changed and how she is still faithful to her heavenly father, despite the internal struggle. on sunday pastor frank talked about giving, honoring our mothers with our peace. he spoke about how we might find that peace and how that would be the best gift we could give. i wanted to make sure that i emphasized that very thing in conversation with my mom. i don't think it is easy being a mother so it's without a doubt that i love what my mother is and has become. all this is a rabble, a tendency towards wanting to say the best thing ever about who my mother is. it just hasn't been flowing and so the delay. i know my mother knows how much i love her and so i hope i can only be with her and become better friends with her as time goes on. and when my time comes, if it comes and as god's will parts the waves and makes it into miracle and i have some rowdy dowdy short chillin's i can only hope/pray that i am as good as my mom. you know really, as good, as great as CAC has been to me and the rest of the fam. now onto today...

who's a busy bee? & new painting!!!

i didn't exactly finsh posting yesterday. i tend to get bored in the midst of writing, often it seems so tedious and i'd rather just waste your time and post a bunch of links. i've also been complaining, whining, moaning the friction, sandpaper strees of my poor cat life. it's not worthy of the words i type, erase, retype and publish.

seemingly as if like yesterday...i was in the dentist's office lobby writing hannah a note, waiting to be called back. we'd been corresponding for sometime and were beginning a nice little bloggie palship, so when i was called up, shown to the room; i without thinking twice, mid sentence sealed the envelope up and sent the note to hannah regardless. a few weeks later she emailed me mentioning she'd recieved my note but the writing had fall off with mystery. i had no idea i'd done such a penpal "no-no" and felt she'd think i was slightly off kilter, but since we've moved along quite well. so as you might understand, i do tend to leave all thought up in the air so to speak.

just because i am struggling with thoughts in my own head about various disorders, malfunctions and misfortune, doesn't mean that the people i often write about are doing as badly as, i with tiny eyes (graceless) see or should even fray about in my writing here. one day i'll have to sit and decide where this blog should go, should it exist as a space to bemoan the poor in heart(myself) or boast the craftywise and painterly success (joy) i have. in the mean (between) time i have a boundless amount to be thankful for. i have been given a gift, i know it, cannot help it. i am really happy with my newest creation, the freezing tree. i am a little insane, touching it all up last night even after putting up in my etsy shop, please go and see here and here. last night i stayed up way too late and painted, even started on a second tree, same size, same style and everything. to be honest, if i don't sell freezing tree on etsy, i'm taken it to tina at blueskies. i may take the painting down there anyway, when i take a stack o' cards to sell. i'm real close, real real close to having my cards ready. including: a personalized stamp. i have lapsed on getting a hi-fi printing company to print my cards, why not just a stamp?

this weekend is chalked full, i mean really full of events. shopping and baking for mother's day. a going away party for the perkins @ the kring-green estate in the great chickamauga out o doors. sunday with family, and sometime i'd like to paint more and organize my compilations for the vintage love swap, walk with matt, hit up blueskies, et cetera-oh and scan my book and work on it in photoshop. sheezamheez! i'll be exhausted. there is still love even though it's friday see my beautiful stacks fo melamine below.


tomorrow look out for a post too, and ode to my beautiful mom and my favorite little boy josiah!!!

i may even have updated pics of freezing tree.

**** YOU ALL SHOULD BEABLE TO COMMENT NOW, THANKS TO K. I REALIZED MY SETTINGS WERE A LITTLE AWRY! SINCERE APOLOGIES AND HAPPY COMMENTING!:)****

thursday love

i keep forgetting about thursday love except...camilla reminds me of how much i do love a good bird. her favorite it seems is a crow, cawcawcaw! i picked these birds out off a target shelf many many months ago. they lay atop my retro microwave that actually has a metal plate in it that one places they're food or beverage on to heat. odd, you have to see it to believe it, due to the fact that we're told metal in microwaves are a nono! i bought the nice vintage kitchen tray at an antique store on good ole rossville blvd almost five years ago. it was a "must-have!" my mom has a matching one.

so i do love and i am catching up on rachel salomon work. i adore the color orange and wish for blue skies everyday with hints of ped...

i couldn't finish see friday's post.

a day late

it could be sunday or tuesday or even today as it is and i wouldn't mind putting this one up. obviously it's a day late and more than a dolla short. a couple of weeks ago i went to lamar's for the last performance of jarius. my youngest brother aaron had been apart of the band from the beginning and so i went to honor his college and post college participation in the musical experience. saturday night was a good night with friends and family. lamar's used to be a place i'd go almost every weekend. there was always something going on and i'd drink a whole bunch and smoke and feel absolutely horrific the next day. nowadays i so rarely jump out to the old haunts, and i never drink anymore. the days of bar hopping and loud music are behind me, and i'm grateful for that growth. i often miss my social sphere and would like those connections to grow back like hair loss kits promise to do. but at the same time, it's as though life does narrow itself a bit and i am not sure there's anything wrong with my standards changing to excluded the crappy lifestyle of my youth. don't get me wrong. i loved my days of adventure and sheer freedom, but they weren't going to be making me into a better person and it was really all about experimenting back then.

last night for instance i decided to stay at home and paint. that brings me so much more joy than anything else in the world and plus i've been struggling with matt. about two or three weeks ago he decided to break back into a lifelong pattern of behavior and it's been really difficult for me to understand. when he's "clean" and "free" from the addiction he's a totally different person, i see growth and purpose in his eyes and life. i see his desire to know and change, but all has flow out the window. i suppose you could tell i was frustrated by just reading my last post about the american population's overuse of mental health drugs. the thing is despite the painful struggle with matt i still care, but i don't want to and so i'm trying to figure all of it out. i want to remain open, but i can't and won't as long as the crap continues. i don't want to be apart of his self neglect. but i also want him to know i care. all of this along with just the stress of working too much has bogged me a bit. i'm being way honest about these things only because kate and i had a eyebrow raising discussion on saturday night about these things-also a hairy scary way of introducing myself just a little more. at least today i'd like to rid myself of thoughts like: self preservation, reputation, pretentious self promotion in blog post. anyway. i don't want to lose the joy i've gained over the last months. i don't have a desire to compromise and so even in great strides through god's mercy and overwhelming grace, i struggle and pursue purpose in him. thank you for you comfort and prayers andrea! you really a kick ass hulagirl.

i'm out, should be back tomorrow with a little bit more of the old cat to share with you.

weary post weekend

after this past weekend i now know i must seek and find rest or at least a possible fake abduction may need to occur. the abduction is just incase i don't get the rest i need tomorrow when i am finally going to have an entire day and night off from work. i have hit a breaking point where almost everything rides my nerves like a bucking broncho. i'm about over being nice for the sake of being a nice. it's only because i feel taken advantage of by the society of people i live amoungst. really it all started on thursday night of last week when i was at cvs. i was super busy, it was truck day and i was putting out the new cosmetics, which fortunately for me is always my job on truck day. so i get to see and discover all the new lipgloss, eyeshadow and technical mascara's. i keep a small bell up front at the register with a sign that says: "ring bell for service." so of course, i hear the bell and i speed walk to the front. there at the counter is a large middle aged man with no hair and a goatee, a red floral hawaiian shirt and denim pants. unga! i ask him for his extra care card, he hasn't got one, so i scan mine and proceed to ring up a single item of cream or something. the total comes to nine something and so i tell him. he responds by saying that's not the total, i say alright and find that the item has been rung up twice. he then interrupts me and says that he rung the item up before i even got to the register. i say "well that doesn't help very much at all, does it?" mind you i say i all with a smile and chuckle chuckle. he inturn yells, "excoooozzzzeee the HELL OUUTTTTA MMEEEEEEE!!!!"

at that point i'm totally shocked and pissed beyond words. i can't even look at him without thinking "go to hell jerk!" i'm hurt and really i think, what in the world has our society come to when it's totally alright for a man (a supposed gentleman) to curse me? i may look thirteen, but i'm thirty and i deserve freakin' respect!!! i obviously did not think i'd done anything wrong. i have concluded since then that any negative response to a customer is potentially going to result in this way. and i'm thinking. we are a culture of pussykats! a culture of overmedicated baby's. men who raise their voices in cvs rx's because they are weak and cannot control themselves and must curse little girls like me. over half my coworkers at the practice are on some kind of medication. i counted ten last week that i know are on either zoloft, prozac, paxil, or wellbutrin. it totally makes me angry. isn't it ridiculous that there's a drug out there for anyone struggling with anything from obsessiveness to social anxiety, to self imposed depression or erectial disfunction, there's behavior drugs for children who have non existent parents with a barely there knowledge of how to parent or disciple. i have this dark lingering feeling that i am working and living amoungst a bunch of fake, mask wearing individuals who are powerless to change their personal circumstances and are hopelessly drowning in unrepentant sin and LIFE. i mean, have american's in general forgotten that life is hard, i mean really hard. life is painful, really painful. and not just because people die or people get hurt, but because we were born into sin. we are full of fault and frustration and negativity. the crazy thing is, is that people refuse belief in god and so they stay screwed up, they stay dependent on drugs, they stay self centered, they continue to drown in their slave like existence and pity themselves. but where does that leave the rest of us, as if i have something to gain from boasting my non dependence on drugs, i'm certainately humbled in my own right, but to suffer amoungst the massive amounts of zombies.

and you know, kate my dear friend was in town over the weekend and we had a fantastic time. a glorious time with one another. and neither of us are on drugs of any sort and we talked about all kinds of things. how can i say, we spoke about art and blogging and relationships, specifically my relationship with matt. i drank four cups of joe, but that's a far cry from paxil. man when i'm in the depths of a struggle, it is usually because i've made a really bad choice. either to think poorly about someone or a situation or to act out in anger and unrepentence. i'm just tired, tired of having weakness surround me, even the weakness in myself. i need a break from feeling weak. so tomorrow will be about the strength and grace that god has given me. will you all think about the overmedicated people out there and attempt to change their perspective even, i don't mean the people who are clinically and diagnostically ill but those people who take a drug for simply the inability to face reality. please pray for me and pray for those others out there. thank you thank you thank you kate and mom an amy b. and ellia, thank you mc and lc. too my sisters smoore and emoore. i still have all this love with all this weary post weekend facing a whole new startling week. unga!

am i it?

yeah yeah i can't tell you how much i love love my fellow bloggers! i have met so many new wonderful friends, i mean just recently thanks to ellia and her great swaporamas! the dear shashi tagged me with five things. i enjoy these sorts of thingy's but suppose many of my readers might be bored. i wonder if i should lie?

five things

five minutes to yourself

pluck the tiny black hair from my chin (opps!)
smoke a cigarette (dang!)
check my email
doodle layer after layer of waves (i'll have to
take a pic sometime)
sleep for actually a whole lot longer the five...

five bucks to spend right now

4 packs of trident chewing gum
a green tea smoothie from charbucks
t-shirt from ole' navy
rice dream choc. covered popsicle (vegan)
new little boys orange and grey ankle socks


five items in your house you could part with, right now, that you hadn't thought of already

the stupid fussball table(please someone come and pick it up, i don't have time for chatt's freecycle)
yes, i have old magazines too. usually every year i go through all of them and i either bring them in on nurses day and i give them to elizabeth, dr. n.'s nurse or i lay them out for patients
old half burnt candles
fake plastic fruit
rotting strawberries in my fridge
beautiful paper bags with handles like from department stores (i.e. banana republic)(a trait i'm so fortunate to have picked up from my wunderbar mutter)

five items you absolutely, positively could never part with in your house

well geez, considering i've lost everything in a house fire september 2002 and have slowly been accumulating everything again...i realize there isn't anything i can't live without. i really enjoy my eggcup collection, postcard collection and i love all the paint and paper i have managed to recollect over the last almost four years. i mostly never want to lose my sanity or my faith. i do love my retro microwave and all of my wonderful mobiles hanging from the never on halogen light in the kitcholiving room.

five words you love

i do so love words and specific words another BIG GEEZ! i mostly group my favorite words together for instance: instead of saying holy cow!!! you might hear me exclaim: "holy matrimony!!!" try it, it's hilarious:) i also picked this one up: bad news as in bad news bears, suck the buck, oh for pete..., unga bunga(thanks d.), ohooohoooho bruther. of course there are my bits and babbles of poetry/prose, that i never speak of. i do like putting words that sound the same together, much like a rap artist, dude! anyway i suppose i'll also have to come up with an example of my "word love." i also dearly appreciate crossword puzzles. awh so much.

and i would like to run and catch up with and tag: the bestest friend kate and a new swap partner agnes and cool girl andrea and um let's see toryssa how about it? and last but not least or maybe two more, i mean what the heck rebecca give it a go and the dear hannah:)

over and out

self portrait challenge

i am currently stuffing my face, in a completely inappropriate manner. (vegan style mind you) primarily do to the fact that i only had a small bowl of strawberries for breakfast and i walked my three mile erlanger medical center and csas diameter without snacking before hand. i develop these slight blisters everyday at the ball of my big toe, that slowly disappear throughout the day. and as soon as i get back the tiny desk fan goes on and i spend the rest of my day freezing after a hard hoggish sweat. today is the beginning of a brand spankin new day at self portrait challenge and so i've got to start off with a sprint to the "beginning." i took this s.p. many years ago and still like the blurry redness of it. i don't know about you? but i suppose brushing ones teeth can be a small intimacy that we aren't sure we want to share with others. i've been living alone for the last four, almost five years and i know i brush my teeth rather, very loudly. i have a big full mouth of teeth that stretch back to all four of my wisdom teeth. i refuse to have them surgically pulled/removed, considering i've got plenty of room back there for them and they're not rotting or bothering any of the other teeth or me for that matter. more about what i have vs. what i haven't got. i don't have any pets. but if i did i'd want another bird, yes another bird. i didn't mind the mess or the continuous chirp chirp chirping. i am not exactly fond of cats and marvel, eyes and mouth agog at great people a.k.a lisa for having two little animals (marg. and barry). i like dogs and could see myself with an aussie one day, but i'm not supposed to have pets in my apt. let's see...this time in my life...i am working more now than i have ever in my entire life. as you all know i work my nine to five here at the oncology office. i do insurance and billing and i like it all most of the time. the month of march and april have been stressful for me. cancer treatments are so expensive and insurance companies are generally stingy. you know insurance companies tell their employess that doctor's are always trying to cheat and fraud their way into getting more money. so insurance companies tend to deny/non payment of most everything. if you've got insurance problems i'm sorry, it pays to know what's happening with your health insurance.

i also work part time as a shift at cvs pharmacy. woohoo. okay and i drive a black nissan sentra that only has 33 thousand miles on it. i usually go down to gulf shores every summer with my nine to five office coworkers. um i have never been married and i have no children. my mom and dad started out at ninteen and had me, their firstborn at twenty one, my dad sold his soul and worked three jobs to support our fam for a while. my brothers came along and my mom and dad were twenty five with three kids, yikes. here i am at thirty with half the responsibilities they had. i went to school kindergarten through twelve to the same school, private christian school. i'm gonna quit here, just wanna get this posted.

vertically spectacular

i have actually been busy making art, more paintings. i finished this small sunflower piece last week and hand delievered it to the recipient. a coworker asked me to paint several canvas of sunflowers, so that she could decorate her kitchen. the first painting i did wasn't as hot, so to speak. but this second go around, though the picture isn't necessarily proof, went a whole lot better. i will be doing two more sunflower paintings as soon as i finish the bicycle. i wanted to thank you guys for encouraging and uplifting words re: my last post. being so short is the underlying thing in my mind. if there was ever something i'd want to change about myself that'd be it. i'm older now and the heighth thing doesnt' get me down. but the challenge becomes my weight. anyway, when i was in highschool i always felt heavier than the other girls, even though i wasn't. it was just the vertical thing. but really i am thankful for the looks i've been give. i am thankful too, for looking like a young'in. so yeah thank you for writing and letting me know that you're thinking of me. my long time friend a.h.b. wrote me and reminded me about how she, her sister and i used to have sleepovers, cram into my single bed and stuff our mouths with fireballs, contesting ourselves into a giggling, drooling mess. truly a long time ago. we also used to make mudballs and wrap them up in leaves. i think i must've tried to get my little brothers to eat mud.

my weekend was just alright. and today, here at the workforce i've felt really on edge. totally pissed. and i'm not really sure why. my day started out in a slightly difficult way, when i found out that c in the city was in the emergency room. so georja and i walked over there to find her as pale as a ghost-she's the practices receptionist who had nasal surgery almost two weeks ago. she woke up this morning, gagging and choking on blood. totally scared she ran to the bathroom and got and ice pack but began to black out so she called the ambulance. she finally got a hold of her sister, but she really doesn't have family here in the area. totally sad, immensely scary. she'll be alright but my head has been elsewhere all day. anyway keep the girl in your prayers. she'll be outta work another day or two.

i have tons of pictures from my brother's last performance with jairus-indie rock band breakup party at lamar's on saturday night. so that's it.