waking in the dark

i dislike waking up in the morning and it being dark outside still. i feel fragile in the morning, most of the time i wake up extremely grumpy and cannot imagine what it must be like to wake up with a husband and children. i know that most of my lifestyle would have to change if all of a sudden there were other people in the morning. i enjoy loading the dishwasher in the morning. i make a pot of coffee every three days or so and i microwave a cup at a time. i try and take a twenty six minute nap between my first job and my second job. i only drink soy milk. it is more expensive but it lasts and lasts, much longer than moo milk.

i am really really really excited about a future participation opportunity in the paper quilt project. i know it sounds dorky but i really care alot about what is going on here on the great big www. i like the paper craft community and all the greatness it has to offer. my most recent inspiration, as of today, aaron tucker. he seems to like squares too. i want some snap cups!!! seen first at happy mundane and then on d*s.

i only recently began going to a new hair salon, my hair dressers name is jenny. i used to cut and dye my hair all of the time. i have never had my nails done acrylic style. and i went to little five in atlanta once and bought a bottle of electric blue hair dye. never bleached or permed before, it looked old and grey. much like the photo above. i worked a tad more on the welcome tree last night. i have nothing to show for it yet. i was too busy watching television, catching up with oprah's school in south africa. unga bunga. i am already looking forward to the weekend. i cannot wait. i have been listening to the decemberists like a mad woman.

WIP:Blue&Brown Paper Quilt Collage

this morning as i was getting into my car, and my car door attacked me. ouch!!! the corner top of the door cut about a half inch gash at the edge of my left eyebrow. i wish that i could cry real tears and not just the "ooo that hurt, my eyes are watering". when my car hurts me i have a tendency to think it is because i am short, it's a good thing i've got a tiny car. i now have a quarter sized bump, and a bruise is appearing slightly now. i have to believe my day and the rest of the week will only get better.

i worked a really long day on saturday, ten hours at the rx. six on sunday. regardless i managed to find the time to make some progress on the newest blue&brown paper quilt collage. i have yet to finish two drawings, the first, a welcome tree in the bottom right hand corner, and then some more of my "eyeball" flowers in the grey squared square. i spent more time laying the pieces together for this collage. i have thought about what i'd like the viewer to experience or feel. i imagine this piece to be more about building or architecture. even though i use images, like the ballerinas, they don't necessarily mean anything. it is more about where they are placed as well as the form they make up and what relation they have to the other pieces of the collage. for instance their little hands are lined up with the grey square diagonal. a little secret of mine: i think about a spiral and the golden mean. it isn't all random, it is very thought out and precise. really. i should beable to finish the drawings tonight and have the complete quilt with photos tomorrow or the next day.

i off to surf and eat okra.

WIP:it real good:baby blue paper quilt collage

i don't mention inspiration as often as i used to because there is so much of it everywhere i surf. i enjoy the fact that everytime i turn around yet another craft-art-graphic design blog surfaces upon the horizon. it is a show and tell world, the freshest, newest, most creative are featured regularly-everyday. how are we ever to become bored?

once i told my friend, very quickly and quietly that i was bored of looking at the same things {at the time everyone was on a blogging fast-no new posts}. i am glad that feeling moved on and i've not felt that way again. reading about stephanie's eggcellent adventures, i became especially interested in the color choices and shapes of her baby blue birds egg shapes. i am learning to take my paper craft slowly, laying things out, much like i would if i were sewing.

have a good weekend you all. take care. and btw thank you so much for all of the supportive words, encouraging thoughts and comments. i have been thinking about you all, hoping that in someway my paper quilts might bring brightness, light and inspiration to each of you.

Newest:Red&Pink Paper Quilt Collage

yeah yeah yeah. i am so excited about my new paper quilt collage. i actually did what i said i wanted to do. i finished this collage in a timely fashion. last night i came home from work and instead of taking a nap i sat and "diligently" completed the drawing parts:the "eyeball" flowers and the baby blue bird in the top left hand corner. funny! the blue bird is an exact replica of a previous bird drawing, well sort of. but i wanted to explain that both of these finished squares were indeed hand drawn, not photocopied or traced. it is important to me that there is an element of my own skill in a collage like this, kindof graphic and geometeric in nature. sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it?

i'm so pleased. i feel my abilities are growing and that these new collage endeavors are going to be better than the last ones. i've decided to do a quilt collage in every color. red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, brown, and black. a nice even total of eight collages.

i was able to begin the next in the series, no not orange, but blue. i have a few WIP photos in my flickr acct, see paper quilt series set.

i'm going to put off review ahab's wife for another day. and i'm not sure about the rest of the week and week-end. working here and at the rx until sunday evening. take care my friends.

WIP:red&pink paper quilt collage

today has been a bit hectic around here. the president came through at around eleven thirty a.m. my coworkers and i spent an hour looking for the best place to see him from. we finally stood about one hundred yards from his white tent. i took photos even though now, in retrospect, i wasn't really supposed to. everyone was using their cameraphones. see more if you'd like here.
i know that a whole lot of people were probably stuck in traffic {katie}, i am glad i was here at work.

i am finally able to show my newest work in progress. the next in my paper quilt collage series. not to be confused with this paper quilt project hosted by the lovely dawbis. i have just a few more touches to make, oughta have it wrapped up by this evening with new photos and a option to buy it out of my etsy account in the next week or so. i will be making quite a few of these so keep your eye out, for your favorite monochromatic paper quilt collage. i also have an all woman show coming up in april, hopefully. and i'd like to have one of every color of the rainbow.

i also finished reading ahab's wife the night before last and have started reading truelove by patrick o'brien, who also wrote master and commander. i thought i'd stick to the sea for a little while longer. i'll have a review in a couple of days. it's on my list of things to post about.

two by two

i wish i were still in the midst of my weekend. sleeping in until ten a.m. and mounds of whole wheat waffles. indian mahal, forrest magic opening up for how i became the bomb, a little pbr, and shopping in atlanta. i would like a whole week of time and motivation to make all the new art i possibly could. it is coming, i'm almost through with my very new pink and red paper quilt collage. i already feel so much better about this one, the quality, the look, the "yes" factor, all of it, will show WIP in the next day or so. until then feast your eyes upon this tiny sweet little change purse. so much fun! and more here.

one hundred percent exposure

happy valentine's day. a day late, a dollar short. i have attempted to get this post up and out of here and it's not working. i feel out numbered. in a corner of thought i cannot escape. i am in the middle of fixing a billing error here at the office, stretching back to the mid of o' five. i have temporarily lost interest. yesterday was so great though.

i left my apartment early to pick up a package at the post office before work. how's a valentine package to start of your day right? this one was so fantastic. i will post and share photos very soon. a little piece of heaven wrapped up especially for me, waiting for me to open. i only wish it might happen everyday. thank you so much jen! it was so much fun to share with my coworkers*the littlest change purse was a magnificant hit. goodness.

i cannot wait to make make make some art:collage with my new paper {vintage wallpaper pieces-omg! more great stuff from jen}. it's really bad that i haven't started anything new. i know. i just wanted to cross stitch. which reminds me: i ended up looking around a bit for graffiti cross stitch. check this out, those of you who regularly check in with whipup might rememer-i don't. anyway i knew my idea wasn't original and i wanted to follow up and share. i would really like to get my hands on a free version of the PC Stitch program...anyone have any ideas?

and the black and white self portrait. unga! i have the great threadless shirt on that kate gave me for my birthday. still a very happy thing for me to have been given. walking away from my desk to exercise is good. i am keeping up. i am not losing weight, but my goodness, i took a four month-"i'm pissed off" break from walking and climbing fifteen flights of stairs everyday. this will be the third year in a row that i have tried to make a conscience effort-improving my health, my five foot tall body can't carry around the blubber, my self esteem shouldn't have to succumb to it's own self ridicule, i should have enough discipline, enough self respect to do something about the cottage cheese. i relapsed a bit {i'm in denial (alot)} in august, honestly before then. i still haven't picked up a whole hellofa lot of meat-beef-dead-flesh, but the diary the diary the dairy. i still don't drink any cows milk-just soy and i don't use real butter and i'm looking into egg replacer. cheese is hard to resist and cigarettes are still apart of my daily diet. thank god i'm not addicted to all things sugar, my weakness is a bag of sour cream and onion ruffles potato chips-yum yum! so the process is slow but i haven't given up. and i am holding at an over weight amount of one hundred and forty seven pounds...woohoo! my goal should be one hundred and seventeen but i'm just shooting for one thrity nine. whatayathink?

on being orphaned

i worked this past weekend and neglected to get a speck of laundry done. this morning reminded that i have stampin' up tonight. tuesday dinner with m.c. and cousin katie for her birthday. increased hours at cvs rx. working wednesday, thursday and friday night. might take an over night to see a on sunday. will be going shopping in atlanta with my sisters in law on monday. the days and weeks are so so full. awgh!
i finished putting together my things for the valentine swap. i tried to hustle with hope of getting it out on time. i even got my very first cross stitched heart finished. i was going to send it, but decided to change things up at the last minute. i know who i'm giving my heart to this year. all that i have left to check off my list is well a whole bunch of things for sure. but i'm still diligently working on my package for nina. things are coming together in a very special way.

i am wondering* my last post was really about my heart and my mind being in the same place. being that deep about anything specific isn't really something i like to post about but it had just happened on thursday morning last week. i was not discouraged before nor was i lost in my art before. i have been feeling very productive in the last view months and my reaction to the morning study on thursday was purely emotional. it wasn't all about making art for me. it was about being me-cat.

as a single woman-girl-daughter-sister-friend. i have gone through different phases. it is really very different, being all alone. i don't write alot about my feelings on the matter because it doesn't matter all the time. there isn't one thing anyone can do to change my view of being single. it doesn't matter how social or unsocial i am. it doesn't matter how much i know or don't know. it doesn't matter how much i try. *these are/have been some of my thoughts: is there something wrong with my personality, am i too strong, am i too short, is my butt too big, am i intimidating, are men actually the weaker species, do i want to be married, do i really need to have children:to have children, am i a better person because i am unattached, do i have a closer relationship with christ:less of a chance that a hu{man} can come between myself and my maker. should i just put out on the first date, and the list could go on.

imagine coming home from working 9-5 and 6-9 to an empty apartment. sometimes it is good, i mean really good. the quiet is incredible, the peace and rest is overwhelming. i do not have to share. i do not have to respect-respect myself-learning to take care of my physical being. i do not have to bow-submit-discipline. except handling my finances every day becomes a hassle, handling the cleaning, the eating, the daily habits, the character issues that arise are just a little harder to get at because there isn't a husband to point it out. don't get me wrong, there is mom and kate, jen and matt, even m.c. and laurie and my brother aaron: these people keep me. i'm reminded of the path, my goodness.

i'm not going to be a better person if i all of a sudden get married and start having kids. if i get married i'm not all of a sudden going to start making art that sells all over the place, i'm not going to start making art that i really want to show in galleries. i am not going to start being wealthy, i'm not going to just all of a sudden be happier. i'm not all of a sudden going to have "it". having a man to validate big huge portions of my life would be nice, but it's not necessary for breath, nor true living, or simple faith and hope. being married isn't even a command and yet if i'm in a room of a lot a lot of married couples i feel like i might just disappear. the study on thursday, really simply reminded my of how really dear i am to my creator. her words reminded me of my gifts, my talents, my depth and my offerings. it reminded that whether i am single or married i may often feel orphaned. whether i have children or not i may always need maternal validity. i remembered that persceptions of me aren't always truth, fact, or even important and that i am god's daughter, adopted by him, invited into his home, called to obey him first-no matter what.

there's no need for you all to worry. i appreciate your thoughts, love and prayers, but nothing is wrong. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. and i didn't mean to convey a spirit of sadness, i meant to have expressed this, this way^. that's all.

inspite:wait loss

the day before yesterday my mother told me that an artist we both know, who happens to host a weekly bible study on thursday mornings in her home, would be speaking about her one month voyage away from home at the vermont art center. an early morning invitation.

but, waking up at five thirty in the morning is a hassle (excuse), and in my mind a nightmare. a potential waste of time, waking before the sun has yet to greet us. a world around me has so little to offer me but sleep that early in the morning. all because i have been habitually making acquaintances with one a.m. and her little sister one thirty. "you won't regret it", my mother suggestively said, persuaded i went. this morning in greyness.

a severe warmth and comfort welcomed me, quiet voices of women and the smell of a coffee fortune. though i forewent, according to the mumbles of an already acidic stomach. a low fire buring, the stroke of eight a.m. hidden tears with knowledge and awareness tumbling, low beneath my bowed head. for fear of spilling out a tremendous wave of emotion. i was there to support, i thought proudly. oh how i terribly mislead myself, too often to count.

how do i begin, i'd rather leave it all alone, and forget.

i must resist the temptation, i must tell, bare witness to the work of the holy spirit through one artist's words, her journal, her fear, her humility and not all of that but christ jesus alone. my god. to believe. some might say moments like mine, this morning are magical. magic is not real, the act of magic is performance, and what i experienced was real. no authority stands to derive some over simplified summary of our being there. no judgement, no throne to which one is chosen to sit, pontificate and ressurect our conscience mind. my heart gave out. i knew, called out of my weakness i should be there. vunerable, defenseless i had to be there, to be lifted. words flowed. in the midst of great darkness there is light and gratitude. in the midst of brokeness there is peace and validation. she an artist, like me, like her, we find solitude to be a comfort. branching out is without a doubt the most difficult aspect of my life. it isn't just about branching out, it is about the act of opening all kinds of doors, submission, "talking about my art", my words, her words.

all i want in my life is more time, more time, more time. please. i need an almighty god to give me just a little tiny bit more time to make art. art and making art is one of my number one loves. a little bit more time to be a better daughter, a better friend, a wife, a mother, a sister. look he has already given. i am entirely tirelessly grateful for my mother, for my father, for "big e", m.c., aaron & laurie, smoore and emoore, for the three littlest boys:caleb,liam, and sam (who we love and will welcome when they get here). grateful beyond words for katie, jen, matt, andrea, hannah (her words on looking up), josiah, coworkers: amp, linda, gh, and carolyn in the city.

***i will never know enough, my words will always fall short of the exact thought or express emotion i had. my intellect fails me when faced with college graduates, my faith falters before the fevered. my spirit shrinks between insecurity and self doubt and "if i were all that dark inside there would actually be no place for christ". meditation: to free ones mind of thought and focus on the thought. i shall not. god has given me my breath and i will focus on my life. funny how i am worse than i think and it is because of jesus, and yes because of my deep need to know him that i accept him in. everyday. we all need validation, a balance (the breath of life) between what we think of ourselves and what others we know think of us. jesus must be my everything.

how can i resolve? there is no resolve, but rest is waiting for me in jesus. resolve is to remove myself from the discussion or battle. how many come to the perfect point where all is well, where we feel loved, needed, wanted, and validated one hundred percent of the time. is there a reason to give up in the face of late nights? in the face of financial stress, artistic block walls, relationship requirements:expectations? believers often throw up their hands, surrender, resolve, make laws they think they can keep inorder to win the losing battle. inspite of myself i will be thankful.

when i left at ten til nine i cried with my mother by our cars in the grey coldness. cried out at the beauty, to the wordless moments to warm us. melt our hearts and minds. a bend in the road, there is no more waiting, a focus, a reverse of thought and reminder of god's severe mercies, grace and love.

steal my idea

yesterday i felt like the left side of my neck was buldging, a tumor, a lymphnode, an alien creature growing, whatever the thought. this morning it is all about the way i slept the night before last. today there is only a blurry ache, not so much a knot or buldge. i will always try to shake off nagging fear, ward off the dangers of hypochondria, and pull up boot straps. i hold on to double standards when it comes to my health, as you have noticed.

last night i finished up one more thing that i will be sending to nina and to j. i jumped head first into mailorder number five-when i saw the sewing project a bit of glee overwhelmed me. i had not cross stitched in such a long time that the opportunity has swooped me up, i'm loving it. while sitting in the warmth, drinking hot tea for fear of getting sick, i thought of graffiti style cross stitching...oh yeah!!! can you imagine? have you heard of such a thing? i haven't, only knitted graffiti. all i need to do is get my hands on a some black:dark material, draw up some of my very own graffiti and wha-la!!! you're welcome to steal this, probably not, my idea-as there is no such thing as original-right?

and because today is tuesday, self portrait, blah. and i'm not in the know as to the theme for february. but i know one thing for sure. i have been working to wear make up every single day. talk about a self portrait challenge. i carry tissue, black eye linear, and have become very used to the idea of pressed powder. i also may look in the mirror more than i used too. considering by the end of the day, if i'm not careful, i've got dark black circles under my eyes, as the eye makeup has slowly made it's way down my face. oh geez, are you disgusted?

anyway. please. look. here. this is totally neato! afterall, how do you feel?

flea market:beehive tree {revealed!!!}

flash boom bang!!! without further todo, i present this, the flea market:beehive tree. i finally finished it up last night, with some fear of failing, fear of ruining it all with too much, too many dots, too much fuss and fumble. it all came together pretty well and i'm really happy now to be moving on. so much relief. i'm going to take a break from the tree movement for a bit, to pick up cross stitching my mailorder, putting together nina's package, and kristen's package, and well, i want to do a series of six paper quilt collage pieces. i have yet to begin...although i have ideas abrewing.

*now do you remember the bicycle on this piece
and i must say without one doubt that it has been good to take a little break from phantomcrimes. although i couldn't keep from posting a little bit {i cannot resist sufjan stevens any longer}. my addiction to blogging is strange and often prohibits me from reality of sorts. in addition there are so many things i long to express here but would not want to distract from sharing my art. my art brings me so much strength and i'd rather not always run amok with the depravity i often feel about, for one, being very single. awh the words vomit out of my mouth, off the ends of my fingertips. what tragedy and drama-to create is rather satisfying, and contrary to what people do say about artists in general, creating for me doesn't feel as self centered. even though it is a very individual-solo sort of activity. making the kind of art that i do brings me a deep sense of comfort and security unlike anything in my life. i often look at the art i've made and think it holds some kind of mystery that i am not even privy to solve-uncover. as a matter of fact no one has ever taken the time to ask me what i think my art means. so there the mystery lies, i suppose. i have come to call my trees, my growing forest of thought, reflection, relaxation and resolve. i also have loved my phantomcrimes, this familytree represents, i am solo, but a growing family awaits me. my tree spreads, using light, drinking beauty up through it's roots. and so i motion for you to follow me, be inspired, be lifted up, be moved to create. and remember that breaking is important, valuable, and just as satisfying as being creative. rest=contentment=thankfulness=joy.