wip:sense of stability

my fridge feels sheepish, bemoaning it's job of storing my empty water bottles. they aren't going into the trash, until i find myself less to be under the influence of conspiracy. hoarding or collecting provides me with a sense of stability. from what i'm not so sure, except i'm concerned about being stuck without water. all of that is beside the point in a matter of the heart and mind i feel free enough to function outside of worry.
last night i picked up the gum thief, it's author douglas coupland, i take after neither his characters roger or bethany. i am not a middle aged divorced man nor a young goth girl, both staple employees. i'll miss the second book club gathering all on account of green drinks, but thought i'd read and gather my ideas regardless.

i have begun making new work, new art. back in the business of being joanie appleseed planting my seeds, growing my forest of trees. it has been difficult getting back into creating and will blame my walled abilities on the holidays.

i successfully cleaned my treehouse but have found that the art studio disappeared in the process. living and working in the same location has got to be an either or sort of thing, 595 sq. ft. is a little less space than what i'd like for the future of both my treehouse and my studio. nonetheless the work of art has got to be picked up again or else i'll lose it all together.

the contact tree is still a work in progress and favors in my minds eye the beehive tree i created a little over a year ago. the contact tree reminds me of recess and practice. the recess and practice of relating, in a context of contact and connecting with the act of creating art. and the act of socializing with fellow artists, writers, and the family, friends surrounding me. contact is a necessary part of living and without a tree's contact with the dirt, air, sun, and surrounding trees it would die. just as i might slowly die, alone.

***my childhood imagination has grown from being innocent and playful, to fear and paranoia. the fear takes advantage of me in the darkness, even as the break of daylight filters through early morning breezes. i have one fear that beckons often now. it is funny how human depravity is cyclical, never ending. as i have apparently gotten older and free, so have i gained more responsibility. i fear as i am asleep that the sheriff parked outside my home will find that i'm not a resident of georgia but, have tennessee car tags. i invision a redneck uniform pouncing on the opportunity to harass a girl with no direction but, to lie and pronounce that she's only housesitting. a dreadful equation of events proceed.

there are still others, blankets or drifts of fears that never come to fruition but, place themselves upon my ignorant fortress. over the last thanksgiving holiday i was walking up to the door of my home in the darkness of night. as i approach the doorknob to safety, the growling noise of an unknown animal approaches. i could have been torn to shreds by whatever it was but, i quickly slammed the door open and shut hard behind me. to follow me into my dreams as well. i awoke to the sounds of babies crying, shaking off sleep i investigated the sound closer and came to realize that i was listening to the cries of coyotes. to follow me as i am driving home on the one mile stretch of highway, approaching the speed of fifty, a animal looking more like a small deer flying through the field on my left comes darting out into the street. drawing closer in speed my headlights illuminate a coyote. i was driving quickly enough but, had slowed cautiously and still managed to catch the hind leg and tail of the coyote. amist the sound of my heart racing i decided then and there, though feeling quite vunerable, to carry a flashlight from my car to my doorstep. i envisioned the coyote healing and seeking its revenge. i'd like to be able to see in the dark, face my fear head on.

i have thought of myself at times to be intelligent. i take for granted that in the daylight i am able to see and administer a sense of judgement between reality and my own imagination. i will list yet, strike my fears for i am a fictional character that has no shame, no reputation to uphold.

the darkness is too great to be afraid of all of the time. my fear of darkness is subtle and does not take refuge in horror. for many people including myself, the fear of darkness implies a slight physcological upheavel, disorder and confusion. i have felt that the darkness bites at my heels or pinches my neck, an irritating self imposed nag.
***written over ten years ago...

today i am not alone, nor do my fears bite at me like they used to. i am now at a time in my life that any and all responsibility is great, and still provides a sense of freedom but, with little fear. what is great and wonderful and beautiful is more, inside my heart and mind.

down the days

talk about one dreary day. chattanooga is seeing it's share of the coldmuck these days. our schools close on account of wet roads, and children's imaginations drift and are deferred to the television on days like today. i would like my crossword puzzle book and an endless supply of the very best frothy coffee in the world. i would also like to do everything. for instance, be in two places at once, socializing and sleeping simultaneously. i'd like to learn to dance like the girls behind hiphops top word experts. i'd like to travel just a little, not so much. i'd at least like to have my own covered parking place. i'd like to try and paint everyday, just like my friend is trying to do.

i cannot wait until friday the twenty fifth.

and oh next wednesday too.

i'd like to have free CARTA internet everyday. i'd also like to beat my mac's chess game for once already

pin down

sunday afternoons are strange. they make me feel strange. in the last view hours of the weekend there are all these things i should probably try and do but have no desire to do so. this coming week is filling up fast. monday night i am hitting the town with my sister in laws. the times with them are sweet and mostly a way for us to communicate outside of the grand family gatherings. on thursday night i am having a group of my clothesline c0 planners over to discuss and as i have said before, finalize our plans. in the meantime i have got to clean my apartment. for the most part everything is fairly organized but, oh the dusting and vacuuming. i really would like to minimize the amount of stuff i have. i wonder about a way to distribute or pack things in a way that doesn't use up too much space. i might need to rearrange and i am looking for a new sort of coffee table piece instead of the trunk i have been using.

this week might be crucial too, because, i need to begin exercising again. i am struggling with where i am at in my mind with it all. and really would like to defer from the subject all together. i will say i'm fortunate for not having gained any weight. it isn't as much about the weight as it is about the way i have started to feel. my body has adjusted to getting up earlier but, i should try to walk and run and stretch after work. i could start to feel better in my mind if i took some time to exercise. the good, encouraging things are: drinking more hot tea, going to bed before midnight, taking fruit and miso soup and popcorn for lunch with me to work, new friendships, a bookclub, finishing and having enjoyed the teahouse fire by avery, really thinking about spending money on a condo, happiness at work (finally), also learning to be more emotionally honest. these are all somethings.

friday night, coral castles is playing at jj's. um.

a long time ago i bought a package of those thin round pieces of cork and spray painted them silver and attached a magnet to the back so that i could put it on my fridge and pin stuff to it. i am not sure why you'd want to go down this route, sometimes magnets get old and the silver cork is a nice textured relief from other means of hanging stuff on the fridge. i should be pinning down a whole lot more than i have, sunday afternoons remind me of everything that i should be doing that i am not. so strange and slightly uncomfortable.

georja, this is for you. if you're reading. i'd like to get together too! let's do it. maybe i should have a party of just girls. anyone ever done that before and not have it be a wedding or baby shower? uh?

shocked

sheesh, i'm shocked. it's twelve twenty two and i am here, going to postoff really. how many of you steal your internet service provision from someone else? i mean i'm riding the www for free from my apartment and as ridiculous as it sounds i don't care about the real chance that i'm going to be exhausted tomorrow at work. just because i have finally found the free. i shouldn't be shocked, i've tried and have never had this success, so yes i'm a little bit thrilled. heck if i can save the ninty bucks a month, why not? is there something so terrible about it all. don't think so. i'm not going to reflect on the whole issue, oh no, no more.

needless to say i have been way out of the www hemisphere and feel a little sensitive about the matter. it has occured to me on more than one ocassion that i may not need the www as much as i thought. or need isn't exactly the right word, but the addiction, yes that is what it is, the www still flowing in my bloodstream.

well. how should i update a world of readers that have given up on me. or never cared to begin with. life in the treehouse is good. besides the humpty hump on the other side of my bedroom wall in the middle of the night, while i'm attempting to sleep. my bathroom floor is a mess, you wanted to know. and a painting i started working on has not been finished. staying up late means two day old popcorn and letterman's choice humor.

work at collier construction is starting to feel more normal, less temporary and more fulfilling everyday. i honestly feel less inclined to write about it, there's nothing to fret or worry about. have i found a lifelong career? i should say i am thankful for the years of medical oncology billing and insurance. i know exactly where i stand in my work at cc, it's predictably comfortable, in that sense. i'm glad for my work, i never knew how much i loved paperwork, heck i am thirty two and didn't realize that i like the shuffle and scuttle of paperwork. i also have enjoyed the freedom. responsible for more, with less responsibilty. i mean isn't that what all of our workforce goals are. paid more for more freedom. i have loved my responsibilities, the newsletter, paying bills, planning green drinks, and so assisting the "om" and my brotherboss.

my art and the publishing well i should probably keep it all under wraps for now. but soon. i'll have news.

and yes i might be happier, but i'm asking myself if i had more would i be able to handle more, and wouldn't there be less to work hard for. i say it so often. cliches' don't become cliches' just because, they become cliches' because of the history of truth. i'm not better off because of all the work as much as i'm better off because of what i think and feel about the work. i could be taller, and have more funds in my checking account, or have new jeans i don't have to roll or have my own paid for internet but i don't and i feel pretty alright with that. it's less of a burden in so many ways. more of choice and less of a reaction.

i'm going to have to sleep.