vintage flicker

i ended up getting some vintage christmas candles off of ebay. actually my uncle bought them and my aunt and i split about fifty or so. some of them are terribly old and still have the fifteen cent price tag on the bottom. they tend to be a bit creepy, all faded and crusty in the crevices. my favorite is a tiny two inch candle stick, in which the candle has faded to a creamy salmon color. but they were so cheap and plentiful how could my uncle deny me? i don't really want to decorate for christmas this year. i have a tiny little two foot pre-lite tree that my parentals bought for me the christmas following the housefire. i have a tiny thrill about birds and so i stuff the tree with them. i just beg for my own home and my own family. i'm sure there are others of you who live on your own and feel like a tropical island might suit you better for the holidaze. i am thank full for the family and the friends but honestly it doesn't always cut it. i had a wonderful holiday last year. on christmas eve our family gets together and its fun, hilarious and reaffirming in so many ways. when i'm with my family i feel like we are a battalion and could fight any war or obstacle that came our way. my mom and dad are such strong, generous individuals that anything seems possible after talking and spending time with them. then there are my brothers who are so different but hold onto the same values and ideas so it's not as though we quarrel about the inane things. i'm looking forward to this christmas because i'll be doing more baking and possibly i'll have a little bit more xmas moolah for gifts. we shall see. one thing i wonder is if this will be my last holiday in chattanooga for a while. if and when i move to honolulu i can't see celebrating christmas in the same way. i'll be decorating a two foot palm tree. sounds fun to me.




of course there are my sisters n law too. Interestingly enough they are both nurses. we all work with the healthcare system. ummm.

the weather the last two days has been absolutely incredible. clearest skies and cold. last night i stayed up until about 2:30am taking photos with the dinocam. i really think i got some good pics. anyway i'm off.

basking in the beauty

who's materialistic, will you be consuming a whole lot this december, where will you be looking for gifts galore? lust/content factor. measure your motivation.

anthropologie

blissen

imsmitten

fredflare

here's a few, more to come, more of my favorites. hooray!!!




last night with the ap students went really well. it is hard for me to believe that ten years ago i was one of those seniors in highschool just beginning to discover and experiment with art. ten years ago was the first year lauren started teaching. i was one of her first students to continue with an artistic path. i love showing and sharing my work with other people. these kids had all sorts of questions, they're just great big sponges soaking up anything and everything creative. the whole point was to push the inspiration needle so that they could get through the rest of the year. lauren had been talking with them about embellished surfaces. i think of my work as collage, but i suppose it is embellished. i was so happy to see five new pieces framed. i'd like to go ahead and get about ten to fifteen new pieces out. i've already got three, but they are small.

it feels good to see completed work and know that a work is finished. there's no going back and any doubt i had about the outcome has to be booted away. i talked with the kids about process and not using other people's art. i have always been intrigued with the pure aesthetic and where it comes from. is the pure aesthetic in me? it is similar to that of an original idea, but differs because of what we as individuals find to be personally beautiful. beauty can be all things. even deconstruction can be beautiful. the process, the emotion, the elements and principles of design all hold one form or another of beauty. i felt like a disciple last night. which is a bit of brag way to put how the experience felt. but i was imparting ideas and theories to something these kids have rarely put their hands on. i had my polyoruthene, wax, thread, drywall tape, paintbrushes scattered around my apartment. i feel like being an artist is no big deal sometimes. it's sort of like an artist a dime a dozen. just like everything nowadays. being recognized feels great.

pretty boy floyd

who can it be knockin' at my door? one end to fill the void. i know it takes an effort to be clean. last night i set up the week. so tonight i'm having six ap art students come over so that they can see what i've been making. a bird's eye view. luckily i got a telephone call from ron at framewrights. my art, all of five pieces are now framed. i had it all framed exactly the same way, formality or consistency, whichever. i can't wait to see what they all look like framed. hanging it all in my apartment is going to be a challenge considering the fact that they'll all weigh more. oh well, it's rather worth all the trouble and moolah. even though i want to plug bob and ron for a minute. the work they do is absolutely wonderful and affordable. so if ever you're in chattanooga and need something framed, look them up.

i'm on the aesthetics committee at new city and it's time to decorate the sanctuary. so that's on the books for thursday. next week is secret santa at work. i'm not looking forward to it. i'd rather participate in a chinese/white elephant exchange. although it does end up being fun in the end. the difficult part is trying to gather five presents that someone is going to like under five dollars. unga bunga!

the 45Revolver has gotten a new job. it's a step up from the gym position he's had sense moving to honolulu in feburary. he'll be working as an engraver, which sounds kinda strange for an airforce base, but evidentally there are all sorts of things to engrave while living and working on an airforce base. i'm glad for him and hope it is challenging enough. as you can see he'll still be keeping up the spinning. busy as ever.

moe of mae for me

on monday or tuesday of last week i got home from work and found in my box a wee from hillary. i was so excited that i spent the rest of my holiday introducing moe of mae to everyone, family and friends. she went to thanksgiving dinner with me and to my parentals house and everywhere. now she's snuggled up under the warmth of my desklamp.



when i first got mae i thought her name was moe. but then with help i realized her name was actually mae. so now i really enjoy just saying moe of mae for me. i love her and will cherish her forever. make sure you go and see hillary's other wonderful things. you won't be disappointed. ever.

i've been busy as i mentioned. i spent most of my holi-daze at home playing zoo tycoon. but on friday evening kate, joel, aaron, and laurie came over. so i spent a whole bunch of my time cleaning up my collage mess. i also changed the sheets on my bed and repotted a christmas cactus. i didn't have any soil so i used clementine peels and coffee grounds. it works well, i did it with my banana tree and the leaves are huge. i even have a tiny baby banana tree coming up on the side. i watched a whole bunch of television too, but i mostly just constructed a bunch of zoos. i finally thought to increase my beginning budget. so on the last zoo i started with a five hundred thousand budget. easy, but too cool for school.

happy holiglaze

this is the loveliest view from my apartment window, looking northwest across the simple little city. the weather was just beautiful a couple of weeks ago and now all hell has broken lose. i feel terrible about what's happening in texas. and poor hillary in chicago thought they were getting snow and now is disappointed because of the nothing that fell from the sky. i'm still here on the frontlines, finishing the last of me pc day before trudging home to take a nap. i've got much to do. first there's the parentals for a cheesecake pan. i'm going to change things up a bit and go for this pumpkin cheesecake. it may be alot of work but i don't have really anything else to do this evening or tomorrow before the outdoor extravaganza.

i'll also be updating my photos. i've got some very exciting things to share. i'm so pleased because i've actually gotten three whole collages finished for cards. for kate's dad and for the possible 4bridges fest. i can't wait for everyone to see. totally new and improved. the photos won't be that wonderful because i'm still really trying to figure out this dinocamera from the prehistoric age. it eats batteries for breakfast, i believe. the closer i am to the object the better the pic. i also have some very awesome news about what i got in the mail yesterday. but i'm not going to say a word until i've got the photo to prove.

i've been struggling again in my job, but i think i've got it figured out again. i don't want to spend too much time complaining because i know i am most fortunate to have the job i do. i am a "gotta fix it" type person and if it's broken i've got have my nose tooling around trying to figure out a solution. even a mental solution for my own stress at the least. i know that i want to change jobs but i don't want to move on until i know what is going to happen with honolulu. it's definitely a catch 22. the other thing i've been struggling with is this time and distance between the 45 and all. gosh!!! i find myself repeatedly being ridiculous with him in conversation. i ask stupid questions that i already know the answers to. i constantly worry that he's not doing the things he should be doing. i am frequently unsure of his intentions and everytime i ask, he's very quick to remind me that he is in love with me, that he wants me to be in hi and that if i don't quit asking stupid questions he'll let me go from the phone. everytime i experience something in my walk with god i want to tell the 45 about it, but instead of just telling him about what i'm thinking i ask him self righteous and prideful questions as if i've got something up on him. i'm sick of it in myself. thankfully 45 is patient and gentle, not an unkind word comes out of his mouth. but it's difficult to learn this way. i just don't ever really see how ugly my heart is. i was so stunned and overwhelmed with the sermon on sunday. i could barely rehash it for you now. but it has left me with a clearer vision of myself. i also notice often that my attitude with my mom is much the same. but i do want to hear truth and i do want the grace. i'm too stubborn. i'm too this way in motion.

one other little thing is that the holidays are a bit misgiving for me. considering all the friends and family around me have significant others. i would love to be with the 45 and i suppose underneath it all my fear, anger and insecurity in my life poise as stupid selfishness and pride. i'm going to learn one of these days to listen more closely to the whisper. james 1:16-24.

happy holiglaze.

in the red

oh my body is weary, my vision of the weekend is blurry. if there was ever a busy weekend this was it. i went and saw the incredibles on friday evening. i thought the movie went really well. i may have been the only one laughing a couple of times though, so maybe it wasn't that good for everyone. dash was the cutest and violet reminded me of erin p. after the movie i went to lamar's as i said i would and saw jairus play. my friend georgia has moved back from ashville, which is fairly nice. laurie and ann were there too. on saturday i did nothing. absolutely nothing until m.k. came over to cut my hair. now it is short and manageable. no more ponytails.

saturday night i went bowling with chris and beth. we did the 12am-3am, $13 buckaroos for all you can bowl. i'd say that i'm a good bowler. but maybe it has more to do with the fact that i'm not throwing the ball down the lanes. sunday was family day and catchup on sleep day. i can't wait until the holiday day. i'm not working but tomorrow and half a day on wednesday. i'm baking for thursday. i'm looking at a pumpkin cheesecake to take the place of a pie. we're actually going to attempt to eat outside this year. the weather has been rainy and unpredictable, but fairly mild. my aunt c. has a nice big back yard and a large firepit. we're going to build a big ole' fire and cover the large picnic table and WHALA! i got to talk with kate and jen both this weekend which was really nice. jen is making tons of cards to sell in a museum down in lakeland.

battlelines drawn

sometimes i could stay securely at home and never go out at all. i don't go out a ton because there's not a ton to do. i'd rather stay at home and make art. or watch television. the downtown area of chattanooga has been taken over by teenagers having been dropped off by their parentals. there may still be a few sacred spaces to go and have peace and quiet, but that's it. i've been thinking that sense i have been getting all of these slides together i should probably have a better, safer place to keep them all. i had a portfolio that i got at target sometime ago, but it was burnt in the housefire. i kept it, thinking that it was still too new to throw away, but now it's been three years and it's time to say goodbye. i asked my mom for a portfolio for my birthday, which she thought was a good idea. so i have found one i think is kinda cool, but it's not exactly what i'm looking for. see it here. do you guys have any ideas or places i could look. jen kring had one i think that i liked, but i can't quite remember. i kind of want one that is brown instead of black, but it has to have a three ring binder in it, so that i can put my slides in it.

also, kate wrote me today and asked if i would put together some cards. so i'm going to start a little series. i will have them ready before christmas, but they won't be christmas cards. they'll be more like stationary or cards you'll want to write a nice little letter in. i've made lots of cards before and every year kate asks me if i'll do a few for gifts. so i'll start working on them this weekend.


jason has put this on his website, but this photo is a good example of the kind of cards i make. they're usually my collages that are shrunk down, so they end up being really nice. if any of you out there are interested i'll make some and we can trade or for about eight cards and envelopes i'll sell them for ten dollars. if i've got to ship them it'll end up being a little more. but just let me know we can work something out.

i suppose i've drawn the battlelines with my art. jas really feels i should have my own website devoted to just my art and not this blog. i want the same thing, but i'd rather have my own domain instead of relying on a blog sort of thing. jas wants me to make a disk of my slides and then send it his way so that he can create a site for me. i'll have to contact wolf camera or something to see about that. again if you have any ideas let me. i don't want the site to be like a blog at all though. we'll see, i think i'm just fearful or unmotivated or not sure. i'm thankful for jason's interest in my work. he thinks that when i move to honolulu that i'll have no problem with selling or showing my art. i'd like to do it in a climate sort of like what angry woebot is doing. i also want music on my site too. it'll be a blowout for sure.

deadline departure

this is my version of international desk day, even though it's not the day. i've been wanting to contribute to the mass perspective. my nine to five is here at this desk. although it looks like my refrigerator at home. i'm drawn towards squares of color and i've got many of the 45's photosnflyers stapled underneath my window ledge. fortunately i've got plenty of space, which i'm thankful for. i don't have a desk at home where i make my art. i usually use my kitchen table. maybe someday i'll have it together enough for another international desk day photo.

yesterday i went and picked my slides up from framewrights after work. everything looks good. i was even happy about how the display tent photos came out. my only concern is that the slides of the tent are tinted blue. bob wright asked me about that...my thought was that we took the photos outside on the back deck of kate's house. their home is blue/gray and the day was getting on into the evening. i don't think it will matter. at least i hope not. i think the tent looks good and you can see that it's professional and clean. or something.

so i just got the slides sent off, the deadline is tomorrow, so i think i'm good on time. i'm still nervous though. everyone has really been helpful and encouraging to me. they think that i'll be asked to participate in the festival for sure. it's amazing to me that i'm even at this point. i have pushed away from the artscene so much in the past. now it's crunch time. i started to really think about how i could easily be driven by fear. i also started to think about moving to honolulu and how my making art will be affected. if i don't participate or at least try now, what really makes me think i can do it anywhere else. i'm going to have to make quite a bit more art though. i'd like to make ten to fifteen new pieces before the may festival dates. i don't want to show/hang anything that isn't for sell. i also want to make a bunch of cards and smaller collages to sell. jas said that he'd come out from honolulu to help me that weekend. now i have a lot to look forward to.

i'm starving now. so i suppose the departure is near. i'll be sending out wee's fabric tomorrow i suppose. the stress of sending out slides has been all i can think about today.

one night after another

last night i couldn't sleep at all. i had a long sleepless night which felt like eternity. so when i woke up this morning i was in a very sour mood. i wish a mornings like this morning i could just stay at home and drink coffee all day until i get the headache jitterings. we went to panera last night and the coffee must've been strong. usually coffee doesn't prevent me from sleeping, especially if i've not had a nap. when i came home i spent the rest of the night watching the six wives of henry the eighth. then i went to bed to read, the mammoth hunters. i'm almost finished. next in line is ghost soldiers. i finally turned out the lights at twelve thirty and dozed for a minute but awoke at one a.m. i decided to call the 45. he was up and getting ready to go out to play at the buddha bar. when we got off the phone i still couldn't get to sleep. completely dreadful.

i have so many things on my mind. i'm trying to imagine myself in the 4bridges festival. i'm trying to imagine the slides being just the right slides for the jury to see. i'm imagining the cards that i can't wait to make. i'm working on a couple packages to send out this week. around my apartment i have little piles of projects and packing materials. i've got to remember to pick up my slides today. i must get a box to send fabric to wee. i'm looking forward to this friday evening. i'll be attending the incredibles with a coworker. then i'm heading to lamar's to see jairus, the quiet ones, and el toro de blanco. saturday i really need to devote to the mural. now that i have a working d.c. i'll take pics for all to see. you'll beable to see how dorky my people's faces are, but that's okay. it's hard to paint with water based paint that smears all around. yuck. today i wanted to make a booklist of books i'd like to own or read in the near future. i'm thinking i'll make a cd list too, but it might not be for p.d. if you catch my drift or jist. oh brother.

Parasite Rex : Inside the Bizarre World of Nature's Most Dangerous Creatures by Carl Zimmer

How to Be Alone: Essays by Jonathan Franzen

Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century Hunter S. Thompson

The Adventures of Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey by Tony Millionaire


and now there's this:

in one bitter love
a kiss may fall plateau
upon a barren gravel path.
a kiss occurred to me a path
complete until cold lips pressed
too close caused my body to tremble.
i proclaimed a nervous clam
more pure love
than once the dead of winter froze
between us.
until amidst the freeze
one bitter love's plateau began
to crumble
a sure, extraordinary foot
lay now at nature's truce,
rain had surely fallen. thus
a mountain.
in one bitter love
a kiss may thaw at best and
soak my heart.

regency house party

i have always loved my pbs in the evenings. recently i started watching the best of reality television. pbs always has their versions and this season is as good as the past. i have begun to watch regency house party. it doesn't compare to the likes of big brother or the apprentice. if you have the oppurtunity, it is a must see. have any of you seen the show?

one other thing on a little bit different note. did you hear about the reopening of the moma? the new admission cost will be twenty dollars. that's just outrageous. isn't art for the masses? or is just for the elite? i don't know that i ever want my art in a museum. i wouldn't mind have a gallery exhibit in the future, but it's one step at a time. you know the smithsonian is free. that's just amazing.

well that's all i've got to say for now.

monamieta

i barely remember where i left off last week. i think i was beginning to feel badly because i was spending quite a bit of time with the www and not working as consistently. i mentioned that last week i took the majority of my work to framewrights to have slides made and framing done. i was so excited about taking a large body of work to be framed. this whole time i've had my painting framed in plexi-glass and paper binders. it's worked well for me, but the time has come to step up. i can't wait to see the portrait of josiah framed, as well as the hawaiian inspired piece. i took the portrait of aaron and the bird for slides. i especially want to have prints made or the pieces printed for cards. the slides, along with my application are due on november 19th, so i'll let you know as things develop.

on friday i spent the evening at home alone. i was invited to a party but i had felt badly all day on friday, so i decided to go to the main street conoco and by a forty of beer. just a little bit o' beer is nice every once in a while. on saturday, i was so lazy, except i made a ton of paper flowers. i've been experimenting and i finally think i've come up with a plan for making garland with the paper flowers and pipe cleaner. kate made some really cute garland out of paper that i think she should try and take a picture of and post on new eyes. i made so many flowers i was quite sure of what to do with them all and they're sort of christmas-y. on saturday evening my sister in law m.c. had a party for my brother ethan. it is actually his birthday today and monamieta's (my mom) birthday tomorrow. they live on the creek and so ethan built a huge bonfire and we just sat around until about midnight or so. it was a nice time. i mostly talked with katie huffine and l.c. i was planning on going to church on sunday morning but it was a no go. instead i made a ton more flowers. i think i must of made about thirty or forty. yikes. i decided i'd take them to tina at blueskies. when i got to blueskies they were already closed, but ginger and tina were counting down the register. so they let me in. i gave the flowers to tina and she asked me if she could sell them. i said "NO!" she asked why and i told her i was actually working on something a little bit more special for the holidays, but that i brought them so that she could decorate her custom gift wrapping. she asked me how long it took me to make the flowers, probably 5-10 minutes each flower, they she said that she could do whatever she wanted with them because i'd given them to her. she is quite generous and i didn't want her to think i was being pushy with my product or whatever you want to call.

i also have gathered some wonderful bits of fabric together for wee. i can't wait until she sees the stuff i'm sending. i used to do nervous exchanges, but it seemed as though must of the people on nervousness are younger and a little less creative. so i was always putting a lot of time and effort into the exchange and inturn only getting a little bit of blah. now i just want to give something back to wee for all of the great work. i know she already has some wonderful fabric, so i'm not so sure the stuff i'm sending her will stand out any but, who knows. i'm just thrilled to help.

the other exciting thing is that i've finally got a camera for blog photos. the only catch is that the card only holds 15 photographs. i'll have to go to the parentals each time i want the photos on my flickr account or the disk. but the above photo is a very crappy example of the flowers i make. actually we scanned the flower on my dad's scanner. i like the rough pixelation thought. this was an addition to one of my mom's birthday presents.

on sunday evening all of the fam collier went to the parentals house. we celebrated ethan's and mom's 50th. very fun to see all of the family gather together. i gave my mom some very nice martha steward placemats from kmart. i noticed that martha's prices are down. has anyone else noticed. i saw that wee bought some of the same wrapping paper i did, but it also seemed like kmart didn't want to buy too much martha stock to put on the xmas shelves. possibly because they're afraid the sales will be low. oh i'd encourage you to go out and buy her cute little things. it is amazing to me that her corporation has such a ear to the decorative/crafty/homemaker pulse. i also had uncle david look up vintage christmas candles on ebay. you wouldn't believe it. he got about forty or fifty candles. my aunt and i split them. martha just had a feature in her xmas magazine. i just thought i would be interesting to see how available the candles are. there are so many and they are generally really cheap. i might give a few as gifts for the holidays. but i doubt it, i'm sure alot of people don't have the same taste i do for the age-yness of the faded wax.

well it's another week.

framewright-ING

i believe i've been overwhelmed in the last week. many thoughts and ideas, emotions, plans and have-tos caught up with me. so my week was spent facing the facts, towing the line, tying up lose ends and finally calling in sick on monday morning. i'd like to make a suggestion to those of you still suffering the aches and pains of campaign 2004. find yourself neatly reading this. it may give a line of hope, like a line of coke.

on friday night i went to see alfie. it was not a very good film at all. i was not impressed, instead i was very disappointed. we all were disappointed. it wasn't so much jude law as the content, the constant narrative, the female crackups. poor music choices too. but the nicer things about the film were the clip edits and color combinations. there were also these little interesting things going on with words in the background of the scene. large words like search or pursue on billboards and bus-stop benches. i didn't feel like the words were very symbolic, more like over simplified suggestions or analytical archs already swaying. the movie wasn't sad or really that thought provoking. just a little there.

before the film we were invited to the TVA control room. it was like no other experience i've ever had. i was inspired by the beauty and modernity of the room itself. it was clean and sterile and reminscent of nasa's control room. not that i've been invited to nasa. a very kind man decided he'd tell us everything and so we stood eyes wide, mouths agape, listening to the in and outs. i asked him about the new york blackouts, 9/11, and raccoon mountain. i ask about how cost was dictated and the history of technology. it was so wonderful catch a glimpse of something that in itself may seem simple, but at closer inspection blows the minds eye. i would love to beable to replicate what i saw in some creative way. light has consistently intrigued me and i'm inspired by any sort.

saturday i went to atlanta to take my...

mourning after

i've been noticing the mourning after reactions of people around the country, to the results of the 2004 Election. i have not felt the sadness or excitement. i'm surprised at the reactions. it is difficult to understand because at different times i have felt so neutral. it is interesting to me that many people become very emotional. i have expressed my frustration, but i feel like it is rooted in something quite different. i am taken aback by anger or resentment. i think i understand why some people have felt that george w. bush has destroyed the last four years. again that's why i poised the questions that i did. the war. abortion. gay marriage. healthcare. education. taxes. deficit. economy. foriegn relations.

the issue i care more about than any other is healthcare. isn't that interesting sense i work in an oncology and hematology, three doctor practice. i think my brother aaron was really concerned about the educational issues because he is a teacher.

aaron hung up on me last night on the telephone. he was excited in the midst of the evening but when the media showed george w. in the white house, all smiles and thumbs up, aaron became angry. he felt, as i do, that last night was the american peoples night. the candidates spent the last year campaigning, the white house view gave george the opportunity to gloat and campaign again. i started to think and converse with aaron about this further. i have always wanted to get at the root of aaron's feelings. one of the things he said was that many who hate bush are uninformed. it is a disservice to the democratic party. i want to understand why people who are knowledgeable dislike bush so much. a conclusion i have come up with is this idea of american supremacy. american supremacy plays itself out in our role in the war. it plays a role in foriegn policy. it plays a role in our economy. our job growth, educational purpose, and healthcare standards. it plays a role in how we raise our children, buy our homes and cars. american supremacy is a standard we uphold, it becomes how we view ourselves.

i think george's decision to wage war in iraq was driven by that standard. a standard that is made up of freedom for all, given to us by the "almighty." a standard that drives arrogance, pride, fear and ignorance on many different levels, depending on your demographic. it is a standard that drives capitalism and great wealth. i believe many americans disagreed with the war because they weren't sure of bush's intentions. they questioned the right we have to grant freedom to others. they questioned the sole responsibility we took in iraq without the aid of France and Germany. they questioned why we weren't engaging afghanistan in the war against terrorism.

if the government was unwilling to work with the UN to fight terrorism in iraq then i see how many people struggled with the thought of american supremacy. but i would like to compare the idea of american supremacy with the standard we live by. the reason we are able to have million dollar homes, million dollar cars, million dollar educations, and million dollar make overs is because of that standard. the idea that america has the best plastic surgeons, neighborhoods, schools, jobs, movies, fastfood, streets, homes, lawyers, doctors, hospitals or malls is because of that standard of american supremacy. whose complaining when they have cancer. i don't see people going to somalia to have transplants or radiation. i don't see people going to iraq with their suvs to get gas. i don't see people signing up to give half their savings to twelve year old pregnant acid burnt afghan females. i don't see people sending their children over to europe to get an education or a job. if people are worried about the outsourcing of jobs maybe they shouldn't be so picky about being a garbageman or streetsweeper. maybe people should want to figure out how to make better cellphones in this country. maybe women shouldn't be so concerned about working for the newest gucci bag or bermuda vacation, maybe they should be more concerned about who's teaching their children to talk. maybe we don't need the newest nike shoes or flatscreen televisions. the american people no longer want to work for anything. i see it everyday. people who want something for nothing. people who feel they deserve to own a home or car. people who feel they deserve to have money and families simultaneously. i think the fact of the matter is that all people deserve the best of what they can get.

the reason i started this thought process was because i heard terry gross last night with T.R. Reid . He has written a new book regarding the end of the american supremacy. when thinking about the president and john kerry i would compare their words against this idea. kerry really seems to want to have a global standard or peace that revolves around a community effort or nationwide effort. i think inorder to do this, people are going to have to lower their standards of living. the giving and service that is required of american people to bring peace in the rest of the world does not lie solely on the american troops. with supremacy there must also come humility. george w. on the other hand is resolved to uphold the american standard of living and at the same time bring peace to the rest of the world. regardless of what other countries want or what the american people are willing to give up inorder to do so. but you'll hear him encourage us to take responsibility for ourselves. for our own actions, for our own behavior. i believe that bush and kerry both want the same things. it's hard to be angry or hate either one. i find myself either hating both of them or feeling neutral towards both of them. i find myself favoring the libertarian party more frequently than not. because i want to be held accountable. i don't want to blame anyone for my life's failings. i don't want to be angry. i want to see peace in our country and other countries. i want to be responsible for that peace though. i don't want to give the government anymore control over my peace. i don't want to give the government anymore control over the freedom of other countries. if we are in a cultural divide, it is not because of bush or kerry. it is because americans do not want to be held accountable for their actions. that goes for the rich, poor, educated, uneducated, sick, or healthy. if we are in a cultural divide it is because of an absolute that many people want to uphold. if we are in a cultural divide it is because of the pluralistic society we live in. we are living in a "it's all good" society.

i have felt for many months that our country will indeed crumble, many americans feel the united states is much like the roman empire. i'm not exactly sure of that. aaron told me last night that he doesn't want to raise his children in the roman empire. i will encourage those of you who are displeased to move forward. kerry and bush have both encouraged us to move forward. i feel as though the only turn in our society will come from a spiritual revolution. i have strong religious beliefs that aren't predicting anything of the sort. but i feel the pressure mounting. i will give those of you mourning your loss time to recover, but what will you do after mourning?

ghetto chews

a rich creamy chew full of the ghetto. colorful and bright as the noonday sun.

i'm in good spirits, but nervous. i actually got to go and vote this afternoon. i was concerned about the process because earlier in august i sent my voter's registration card back with a change of address. i never received anything back from the election commission. so this morning i got on the www and got the telephone number, so that i could call and ask if i was on the list. sure enough. i didn't have to show my card or license. i went to mlk blvd a ghetto sortof place in which i became the minority. i was excited and felt liberated by the act of voting. all of this time spent reading, listening, analyzing and dreading the day and the burden has finally been lifted. so much of my anxiety has nothing really to do with who wins/loses, it has more to do with my ability to take responsibility for what actually happens. now that i've made my choice i am free from defending or offending. it is over and there is nothing i can do about it now. i'm not as concerned about waiting the evening out either. it is easy to say that everything happens for a reason, sometimes it's harder to believe, but i'm reminding myself that my affection or disgust will not make a difference. it is my heart that prepares a way for me in peace and trust.

so maybe i was a little harsh or stoic in my approach to the 2004 Election yesterday. i was asking myself those sorts of questions. one thing that settled my thoughts a bit was frontline. it was less of an attack on either candidate and more of historical account. it really pointed out the positive and the negative aspects of each bush and kerry. i liked the documentary style too, but that's beside the point.

oh and please look at this. i love this little boy. i love this little boy. i was fortunate enough to watch him come into this world. he won't like me very much when he gets older. i won't be as cool to play with, but he's having a baby brother or sister soon and i'll be falling in love all over again. i'm hoping sort of that i won't be in honolulu quite yet so that i can see this new baby in may. i also have the 4Bridges to look forward to. i'm outta here. peace brothers and sisters.

will i vote

i am not confused about who to vote for here. today i saw a news segment on single women who do not vote or who are confused about who to vote for. that is not the case for this single female. i am concerned about Decision 2004, but i am not going to waiver in opinion or standard. i will respect and honor whichever man wins the presidency as well. i do think that the american people have forgotten post 9/11 though. i do believe american people have an extremely high standard of living. i do believe that the american people have really nothing to complain about. those of you who want to leave and move to another country i definitely would appreciate seeing you do that. i would encourage you to set an example so that others might see the success or non success you have. moving away is not a bad solution if you feel so inclined. aren't you thankful for the freedom you have to move if you chose? but many people threaten and their words speak louder than their actions. which is usually the case with anyone who feels/complains about being oppressed.

i suppose i want to know how the last four years have affected you. have you lost your job? are you starving? are you paying more taxes? did you get your prescription drugs? did you take advantage of generic drugs? did you go to the ER for a regular check up? can your sixth grade child read at a sixth grade level? did your doctor turn you away? was after school care provided for your children? were you beaten down by a cop? were you not able to get married to your same sex partner? were you able to get an abortion? are you dying from parkinson's? did you get a raise or a bonus? did the air in your city make you choke? did your husband, brother, sister, wife get shipped off to iraq? have you 'lost' a loved one? have you gone through the drive-thru window this year to get something to eat? were you able to get the surgery you needed? did you speak up for your rights? were you restricted from speaking your mind? did bush just piss you off or are you a fair weather fan? was your home destroyed by terrorists? did you get funding to rebuild from the american red cross, fema or the federal government? did john kerry knock on your door and ask you for your vote? have you ever been called and asked to participate in a poll? any poll, ever? doesn't john kerry remind you of your pastor?

i just want to know. is it complicated? who made it complicated? what has michael moore done for you lately? is the media paying your taxes or are you? is the media teaching your children how to read and eventually get a job or are your local schools? did barbara walters agree to educate the next 100 immigrants? when have you taken the time to take responsibility for yourself? are you the one making this more complicated?

i worry not about the future president or the government. i worry about the american people. the society. who are you listening to and why? it is distressing to see more cops on the roads because people no longer take responsibility while they are driving. it's depressing that cops have to be in schools to control violence and drugs. i am frustrated because there are speed bumps because people don't drive the speed limit (even though that in itself keeps cops of the roads). i am frustrated when people are dying from being so obese. i am frustrated because insurance companies and drug manufacturing companies are for profit because there are people who are dying from being obese. i am frustrated because israel and pakistan continue to fight. i am sad because many american men and women must fight for others because they cannot fight for themselves. i am sad for the elderly without a drug prescription plan or social security. i am sad the babyboomers have to sell their suvs because they no longer can afford the gas. i am frustrated by the gas prices. i am mad the healthcare system has been ignored. but i am not afraid of our government. i am not afraid of george bush or john kerry. i am not afraid of osama bin laden. i am not afraid of terrorism. i am not afraid of the republicans or the democrats. i am afraid for you. so why is it john kerry's fault? why is it bush's fault? my belief is that i have no one to blame but myself. you have no one to blame but yourself...

hear no boo

awh, today would be just another day, if it weren't boo halloween. i'm not the celebratory type, but the workforce pushes the enevelope. so i'm here as a soccer player. there are hippies, a nun, and genie too. the excuse is that the "patients" like the costumes. i'm not so sure. i look like a little kid getting ready to go play a game. how can i be taken seriously here. i have a hard enough time. carla dressed up like a trucker, i'd say she wins the prize for most disguised. i always threaten to be invisible on halloween. there are quizzical stares and wonderings and then a lightbulb allows my coworkers to understand my statement. they just think that i'm weird because i don't want to dress up for halloween. it's not a holiday and i'm not so sure i know in my heart what scares me more. the adult desire to revert or the mountains of peanutbutter balls, chocolate covered pretzels, cupcakes, and chips/dips. i'll be a rolly polly soccer ball next year that i can guarantee. for me it's an excuse to wear my hair in pigtails. i also didn't have to do a lick of laundry last night inorder to wear clothing to work today.

i'm going to a little fall festival with my aunt c. tonight. then i might just hang out at home and watch joan of arcadia. there's no telling the evening shall be a mystery. tomorrow and the rest of the weekend i have no plans. i should finish the painting of the bicycle and plan for the next couple of weeks. i've got to get down to atlanta to take a picture of kate's display tent. oooooh brother. i don't have much time. and the financial aspect is going to hinder me if i'm not careful. one thing i know for sure is that as soon as i get the oppurtunity things will take off. i just need to be given a chance.

there's a project going on over here. i saw this picture of the doll dressed in a bee costume and thought that it would make a good project theme. but you know there are a few crafty girls out there already doing scarey dolls. yikezers!!! i do think what they create is absolutely wunderbar though. i'm thankful for the different inspiration. way to go!


i really like the colors in the boo halloween poster too. do you guys remember robert indiana? he is the artist who created love. it is now all over the world, but he's got quite a gaggle of other nice work. what happened to beautiful billboards and signs?
. i'd like to work on some signage someday. what would your signs say?

well i'm sure i have expired my welcome. this weekend should be the fruition of an idea i've had for sometime now. i'll keep you all informed.
have boobug halloween. yuck...

little engine that could

it is so different being a child and knowing what and who you believe in. even as a child when i would do something wrong the cushion seemed far more greater. i had my mom and dad's arms, their home, some really wonderful food or a nice big back yard, to fall back on. god's love seemed so much easier to grasp or readily available. there was no thinking about the hindrance as a temptation. i would either lie or sneak or i wouldn't. there weren't the complex thought processes of today. the sin was cut and dry. clean as a whistle. my sin has become so much more complicated. my need for christ is greater than it used to be. when i was a child i relied on my mom and dad's relationship with god and my faith grew around theirs. my faith became an addition.

yesterday i happened to call the 45 on my way to my aunt's home. he mentioned his weariness, irritability, poor eating, and smoking (black n blacks) as a result of sleep deprivation. he expressed a sincere concern for not only his physical health but for his mental and spiritual as well. he asked me if i would make a concerted effort to pray for him every day. he has always been concerned about hereditary heart disease, but he's carrying the stress of making a life in honolulu. he must work quite often so as to save money for a future apartment, future trips, and the future period! it's not enough for him to just want to get enough sleep or want to eat right or want to stop smoking as much. but it is quite enough for him to acknowledge god in his life. but he knows that he needs the support of others and the prayers of others. he is also beginning to understand that he can't control his life no matter how hard he trys. there is nothing he can do to get more rest or get more money. he can ask god to free him of the burden of having to do it all by himself.

it was a conversation that reminded me that sin grows in us if we let it. i suppose really the sin is always there, sense birth, we just become more and more aware of it all. my sin can seem insurmountable at times, as kate put it; we revert back to the sin as if it were the cushion.

Sometimes when I spend to much time thinking about myself I lose perspective and become what I hate to be--an antisocial-selfish-jerk-girl. Now I can really get into why I feel this way but I won't, I've just been having a tough time overcoming differences in others lately without feeling a bit grimacy. Just when I turn 28 years old I feel like I'm 16 all over again.

i am glad i'm no longer a child. i'm praying that aging makes facing my sin a little bit easier. that my heart will be humbled a little bit more each year that goes by. i think that god uses our physical weariness/appearance to show us our deep desire for him. it is not until i am so exhausted or sick that i am desperately grasping in prayer for his grace and mercy in my life. the 45 is definitely feeling the desperation. i believe that god refines me in the midst of my weakness so that i might be made free and strong in him. i am fortunate to have a support system of believers around me to encourage and pursue faith with me. it's something i have hated in the past, now i know. i am thankful for what god is doing in my life through others like the 45 and kate. through your lives i see christ.

jettison nova

oh i've missed being here. the days and nights have been of a one thing or another sort. friday evening with my family ended up being absolutely wonderful. we went to the canyon girll for dinner. i had crab cakes, garlic mashed potatos, and green beans. we each brought a bottle of wine i stuck with my favorite [yellow tail]. we ate and spoke of day to day sort of things, but it was a pleasant evening weather wise and the trees on the mountain have begun to change. it's often i forget about this time of year and can't believe my eyes when all of the reds, yellows and oranges start to pop. the mountain becomes a firey mound. then we went back to ethan and mary's home for a special dessert from rembrandt's, my mom's favorite italian creme cake. yum. we sat around and i thought to pray for my parentals, considering the fact that god has blessed me with their example. their marriage of thirty years is more than i could ever ask for and it seems to get better as the years go by. even my parents say so. they have had major struggles, but in the last five years they have grown enormously. i even see how they are different towards me. i wanted to thank god for their union and their commitment to him. i wanted to pray for their future. they still have a quite a few years left and there may be difficult things ahead. but they have endured a nay-saying society. we asked them all sorts of questions, which they freely answered without much hesitation. although my mom gets fairly embarassed. but i thought it was so cool that m.c. opened up her home for our little celebration and aaron and laurie went and bought the art we gave them. overall the evening went off without a hitch. horray parentals!!!

on saturday i babysat from 9am-1pm for the alexanders. four children ranging in age three months to eight years. my fingernails and toenails got a full color paint job. pure red. we mostly watched television. i couldn't go outside because luke was sleeping and then needed to be fed. but i did fix popcorn and let noey soak it with butter to the point where it was totally soggy and disgusting to eat. when i was finished babysitting i met x coworker at the pickle barrel for lunch. i got a half pitcher of amberbock. yum. then we went over to frazier avenue and shopped at river city apparel and blueskies. after that i was exhausted and had to take nap until babysitting at 8pm to midnight. oh brother. sunday was a little church. sunday evening was mural and then monday begins the work day all over again. i finished the painting of josiah knutson, but i won't have an updated photo quite yet. i have a plan though and you'll know if the scheme actually comes to fruition.

i'm pretty excited about what the 45 has been doing. he was able to get business cards too. djing in honolulu has just really taken off for him out there. he was supposed to start at united airlines on november 14, but he was actually offered an additional job, ref-in'/umpiring for the rec teams on hickam afb. believe it or not i would rather him not work the united job. it starts out third shift and he'd have to give up djing. i also thought that the second job on base is right up his alley. there is a whole host of reasons in the end, but we talked about it and i think he feels the same way that i do. for some reason the gym/rec jobs really seem like the wisest, most practical and realistic careers. i feel like it is better to be consistent than anything else including the moolah situation. i was really going through a rough patch thinking about my relationship with jas. now i feel like god has relieved me of some of the burden. i typically have control, fear, and anger issues that play a role in my conflict with jas. but i have been learning to let go and trust god for the direction in the relationship. i continue to feel the holy spirit's work in my life. the seed has burst and is sprouting up through the soil to the sun.

look at this beautiful bird from veer.

the nature of my struggle

i have just finished reading home is where one starts from. i haven't been reading for many days now, but she is the sister of some others of my friends. one thing that i get discouraged by is being an artist in a world of artists. how am i unique, how will i create original art that no one else has seen before. i also struggle with feeling like i see and feel things as an artist much differently than non artist types. i often have extreme feelings of sadness when i see and experience beautiful things. i have grown to have a hard shell of emotion about me. i have become much softer through repentance, forgiveness and god's miraculous grace. i wanted to kinda respond to some of the things that kelly expressed. i want to soak up the beauty and become the landscape, similar to the pain that kelly experiences because she wants to be in "them."

i remember a conversation from way back when i was a teenager, sitting in a field looking out over grass and trees and distant mountains. i don't remember which friend was keeping me company, but i remember sharing feelings of longing brought on by the beauty of our surroundings. i remember the feeling, because it's followed me ever since and it follows me still. at the time i described it as not being able to enjoy the trees because the pain of wanting to be in them was too great. i hoped heaven was the kind of place where great beauty didn't cause pain.

it is a pain that i feel. a feeling of being displaced in the beauty and not knowing where i fit or how to describe myself as a potential part of the beauty. there are these moments of longing for something more. i struggle with mourning the destruction and consequences of human failure. in the midst of pain or suffering it is much easier to ignore the positive or the miraculous, because the pain maybe so great. yet in beauty the positivity and miraculous is all too obvious and overwhelming. i feel incapable of experiencing joy the way that i should or could. i have wondered what in my life has taken my joy from me that when i see something wonderful i can't even accept it. i came to some resolution in realizing that my joy is stolen by the ugly beliefs i have in my heart. i tend to believe that i don't deserve the beauty or the joy. that belief to me is a direct result of the fact that i don't trust that god claims me as his daughter. bottom line. maybe i cry when i see beautiful things because i have a faith that tells me god's creation is one part of all the promises he keeps with me. sometimes i am humbled and moved too deeply to speak or i want so badly to leave work and curl up in a blanket outside on the grass under a bright tree, sorta like kelly in the field. i think the most important thing for me is to learn to not react against the experience. it is far more difficult achieving nonreaction than it is to say it. but my confidence and contentment doesn't have much to do with what i do or don't do. i'll screw up one way or another. backwards, forwards, horizontally, vertically a mess. but yes of course the contentment is the stand that christ takes beside me. the comfort of knowing i do not have joy all of the time. christ knows that the beauty we experience must bring conflict into our lives. we know of the kingdom, we see the kingdom at work, we have faith in the promises of the kingdom but what we see and hear and feel here on earth is a just a reflection. it is exciting and breathtaking in those moments, but in many ways it is a temporary beauty that sustains us only when we believe. it doesn't surprise me that so many artists isolate themselves or disconnect in abstract ways. very few people are given the gift of creating and making. i believe in my artist ways that i am close to god, just as a business man might be close to god. we are indeed made in his image. i'll spend time thinking about that but in the long run letting go and thinking less makes a little bit of the process easier. letting go to trust. letting go to be made softer.

adventure advantage

yesterday i decided to embark on a very new adventure. i can't say what exactly came over me, may be a little something like a 'new lease on life,' that has more to do with my life as an artist than anything else. i feel like a motivated artist who consistently makes or works to express herself through creating art. i haven't ever been motivated by a profession in art or by money. i have a little artistic project going all the time. interestingly enough i have never set goals for myself as an artist. i very rarely set goals for myself in any part of my life though. i had a goal to pay of my debt and to buy a brand new car. i even wanted to buy a computer at one point or another but the 45 has let me borrow his for the time being. artistically i am less interested in making goals because of the pressure and expectation involved. i have felt more prolific without the constant demand to produce work. i am happy that many people have my art in their homes. i suppose that my general goal was to share my work with people no matter what. there have been a few occassions when someone has paid me for the piece of art, but very rarely. fenn has the elephant piece she bought in lakeland and aaron bought the companion piece of the bird for laurie for her birthday. jk1000 bought an anniversary piece for kk1000 and the first piece i sold belongs to this lady named janet job. but all of this selling has been spread out over ten years or so. no real profit here.

all of the sudden i feel motivated to join ava. i saw my friend phillip swafford at lamar's a couple of weekends ago and he asked why i wasn't a member of ava. i hadn't time for a brillant excuse. i am intimidated by the financial factor. that is about it. i have plenty of work. i am able to produce plenty as well. i am also going to apply for entrance into the 4BridgesArtsFestival. i have asked kk if i could borrow her booth/tent and she has so graciously assured me that it would be no problem. i have got quite a gaggle of work ahead of me. but i'm up for the enormous adventure. the 45 has told me of his support. and i am hoping that as people hear of my new idea that prayers will bless this time. i have found the greatest site on the face of the earth. it will actually help me to make the sort of stationary that i want to. now i'll have to have some goals here.

a. go to atl to take pics/slides of the booth/tent
b. make a gaggle of more art
c. have slides made
d. have work framed at framewrights
e. bring booth/tent up to chattanooga
f. make the november application deadline
g. buy the euro pro
h. buy from the paper source
i. pray a school of prayers

away from home

i miss being at home at the grand. i have been away from my apartment sense friday afternoon when i left to go to atlanta. when i came back from atlanta on sunday i stopped in at the apartment to repack my bags and head out to the parentals house. my mom and dad asked me to stay at their home with smoore while they were spending their thirtieth wedding anniversary at a boyd mountain b&b. they will be back this afternoon, if they aren't already back by now. in this day and time it is amazing that i have parents that are still married after thirty years. they were married when they were nineteen and met when they were fourteen. my mom and dad have known eachother for over half their lives. they spent the time away evaluating the positive, negative, loses, victories of the past years and looking towards the future in the same way. planning for the next ten years is what my mom said. my parents are incredible individuals. it is unsettling a bit to be an adult child of theirs because they have grown to be so open and transparent. they have admitted their mistakes from the past and have asked forgiveness and moved forward in service and love. i have had a difficult unwarrented mistrust of my parents love. most of that negativity in me has been washed away. my parents have worked hard searching their hearts for answers when i have reacted in mistrust and rebellion. i know deeply that my mom and dad love me. their faith has bridged the gap in our relationship. i am still learning. i am thankful for the time they've gotten to have in boyd mountain. it is important for them to get a break from life. but i will be really glad when they get home today. there is a bad accident on seventy five south near the cloud springs exit. lifeforce had to be called in to take out the injured.

friday evening my brothers, ethan and aaron and my sisters mary and laurie and suzanne are going to help my parents celebrate their marriage we have a really nice evening planned. it should be the highlight of my week.

i have gotten some great ideas about my next projects. i've got two new canvas that i'll be painting and i am just applying some of the things i saw at the art fest to the images i already have in my brain. tonight i should have some time to do a little tinkering with the paper, paint, sissors and glue.

angry woebot

the 45 found this great sign that holds a very dear expression. it all started while i was visiting honolulu in may and jas and i were going on and off hickam afb a whole lot. there was a flashing sign that said "carelessness is dangerousness." then jas said that there were a bunch of those sorts of little sayings. like: "if you don't know, don't go.", "if in doubt, don't go out", "loose lips sink ships", "it's cheaper to keep her." so on and so forth. when jas went to the beach the other day, he saw this sign and he took a picture of it for me.

jas actually hurt himself that same day out in the water. he got caught up in a wave and then was pushed into the sharp rocks below. he obviously did not take the signs advice. but he said the near death experience hit home. a chunk of his foot was cut off by a rock and he has been limping around. next time he's in doubt he won't go out.



the 45 also took a few pictures of a graffiti artist he saw the other night, making art in some club. timber 1 and his angry woebots. i like this work quite a bit.


again jas was out and about and he thought to take some great pictures of the honolulu night life as well as the art scene.

this past weekend i went to atlanta to visit with kate and joel and josiah. kate participated in an art festival in cartersville. we had a great time together. it was so good to see josiah again. it seemed to me that kate got some really good feedback from her work. there were actually good artists represented in the festival. fine art work. i saw no collage though. i'm thinking that collage is just one of those mediums that is overlooked and underdone. maybe it isn't really considered fine art. in my experience i'd think of it as fine. but i've always struggled with knowing how collage fits into the rest of the art world. i'll leave you with another couple photos.

trouble in the suez

as much as i would like to beable to i cannot say that i am having a terrific day. my day started nicely with a hot cup of bad ass coffee. and a bowl of oatmeal raisin crisp. the 45 called me on his way home from the club he was playing at last night. it was a pleasant coversation as he was getting lost in chinatown and going through minature lakes. i was just a tiny bit late for work and began what i thought might be an enjoyable workday experience. without going into much detail i had a patient that was upset and rude and i broke down a little bit. i really like the job that i have. i like the detail and the fact that it's such a real life kind of job that any flakyness that i might carry around as an artist balances out in my personality and character. i have a difficult time facing the fact that the healthcare system is in a crisis. the course of work here constantly changes too.

samples

i spoke with my mom last night about all of my project(ed) ideas. the key shall be the sewing machine though. she thought it might be a good birthday gift. i would definitely like that. but i've been wanting to make a book and music list for my birthday list. who knows what's really going to happen. i spend a good amount of time each day looking at my favorite blogs. there's always someone off to the fabric store buying this, that or the other vintage fabric, thrift store t-shirts, yarn, felt, wool, buttons, et cetera. it could all become very overwhelming i suppose, but generally it all makes my world turn just a little bit smoother. i sit at work in the more free moments of the day pondering a life with activities outside of having a nine to five, monday through friday. i have the 45 but he lives so far away that my evenings are spent mostly at home in my apartment alone. that's not a bad thing at all. it leaves plenty of time for sampling my ideas.

dwindling

the daylight is shorter now. in the morning when i wake up it is still dark outside. the red glow from the street lights give off a false feeling of warmth, but i know the weather outside is going to be turning frightful. i woke up this morning and it was raining. not exactly what i thought was a nice idea for the day. i stayed up late last night reading. i've kinda put the 9/11 commission report aside for now. i'm not as interested in the recommendations even though that's the whole point of the report. i have had the mammoth hunters for sometime now and thought it was time to pick it up. i've read the first two in the trilogy which were were interesting, but i completely lost focus after the second valley of the horses. they really just became predictable, but once i've got a book in my hands i feel i must see the reading of it through.

this past weekend i said goodbye to my friend little sara. she's decided to move back to seattle. while she was here sense moving back in febuary we rarely saw eachother until thursday night she called and said she was moving back and that she's was going to be at lamars to say goodbye to everyone. heroes for horses were playing, but i spent most of my time talking with friends. then on friday night sara and jenny and i met for sushi at "H" for Hiroshi's. after that we went back to lamar's. i ended up talking politics the whole evening with a friend. we surprisingly seemed to agree politically, which is rare amoungst my friends.

on saturday i spent most of the day with my dad. we went to smoore's and emoore's regatta. i had never been to a competition, nor did i know anything about the sport.


that evening i went and saw friday night lights. the movie was just alright for me. my dad really enjoyed it and tim mcgraw was great at being a real jerk in the movie. the times that my dad and i go out are when my mom goes out of town. he and i go out it seems like once a year for a 'father-daughter' date. we go out to eat and then to a movie. my mom and my aunt cathy went up to new jersey to visit with my grandmother. my nana isn't doing so well and they wanted to see if they could help her a little bit. they enjoyed themselves, but the time was somewhat exhausting and emotionally stretching.

i haven't been doing any art lately. i am almost finished with the mission conference poster, but not quite. it's like in two weeks. the committee made it a little harder on me this time. the concept hasn't been as easy to come up with.

dj mini mart

I'm right behind you, don't turn around
I was the one who cut your first song
Get in the backseat and keep your head down
Didn't I shout it all night long?
Now you're a fabled record star
And I'm DJ Mini-Mart
Cause that's where I work

per minus5
down with wilco

the process of giving yourself a dj name has always intrigued and inspired me. i've never once stood behind turntables and peeled the banana with two records, but i certainatly appreciate the naming part. i know a few dj's and their names, i suppose really mean something to their audiences. one of them happens to be the 45 that i refer to some, who also happens to be my man. He prefers 45Revolver to Dj Jahson, but he's often booked under both names.




then there's this guy who rarely spins out anymore, but remains busy making music.

i've come up with a few dj names for myself.

dj rip van winkle
dj dopeattic
dj geebus
dj dj

anyway that's that.

something else i like to do is

parade vs. harpers

do any of you ever read harpers? i don't know of many people who do. we have a subscription to it here at work and occasionally if i see something of interest i'll take it for my personal consumption. i particularly like the art but every once in a while there's something like this:


Death Be Not Proud
Posted on Thursday, March 18, 2004. The following is a list of "theme funerals" compiled by the National Funeral Directors and Morticians Association. Originally from Harper's Magazine, December 2002.
SourcesAirport: If the loved one was a pilot, rent a hangar at the local airport. Local pilots would fly out of hangar, land, and line up their aircraft in order of age of craft.

Aquarium: Rent the local aquarium after hour of closing. Excellent viewing environment.

Banker: Rent a local bank or use your local branch. Set up on the officers' side of the building, and make sure the window blinds are closed. Still gives the family some privacy.

Boat Cruise: Rent a three-hour boat cruise. An environment for viewing and also for cremation service.

Family Reunion: Loved one is placed in the living room of host family as the family celebrates annual family reunion.

Go-cart Racing: Only during the spring and summer, after closing hours. Excellent viewing location. The visiting family and friends use go-carts. Dress the loved one in a car-racing suit.

Horse Racing: Rent the track during off-season. Viewing in the horse stables, and jockey uniform on the deceased. Use racing tickets and racing booklet as program, with obituary included within.

Living Room: Loved one is laid out near a La-Z-Boy lounger, with television, remote control, and faux cigar in the ashtray.

New Orleans Jazz Funeral: Two-horse-drawn hearse with jazz band leading to cemetery. Along with two dozen doves released.

Shopping-Mall Spree: Some malls have rental space available for meetings. Use this area for viewing. Funerals cannot be held during the day, due to poor taste for shoppers.

Toy Land: Excellent for the kid in all of us. Use all the favorite toys, TV shows, and records, as well as movies. Posters and banners are extra touches.

Train: Old train museum for viewing and funeral. Before leaving for cemetery, put family and body on a three-mile train ride (returns back to the museum). Then to the cemetery.

Wal-Mart (or special store of choice): Have the viewing room in a store. Use signs, discounts, and items most purchased by the deceased.

Working Man: All the working tools of the person's profession or trade. Dress in work clothes; if not, have the clothing on a plastic adult doll. A 4x4 will be used as the hearse to the cemetery.

Zoo Keeper: Rent the local zoo, after closing, for a private viewing. NOTE: the location would be where the deceased visited often. In a recent case, it was the elephant area.



one of my coworkers just told me she wants to write a book. i told her about first books. i once wanted to write a book. when i found this place a sales rep called me once a month to see how my book was coming along. kinda funny because i hadn't really ever started and i had no news to tell him of the book writing sort. we mostly just talked about the weather or something less interesting.

some of you may also know about this little place. sometimes if i want to cheer up by exhausting my game playing fingers i'll go to orisinal. i hope you like it as much as i do.

euro pro

i can't believe that i never have thought once about just buying my own sewing machine. i have always thought them to be way too expensive and really all i had to do was go to target and find the machine section. my dear friend kate nicely informed me of how inexpensive a sewing machine could be. i don't need or want anything fancy. just a little plastock sewing machine. my next payday is on october sixth and possibly then i'll have the moolah to spend on a euro pro.

tonight i'm going to a picnic at a park. i hope i have good time. i also think it might be a good time to get some more babysitting jobs.

if she were me

.

i have admired loretta lux photography for some time now. thinking that most of you had found her by now i was too hesitant to bring her up again. i find the photographs to be quite mesmerizing and rather charming. i especially like this little one, with the orange blouse. i often feel like this tiny girl or i'll imagine myself in her shoes, with her crossed arms and face.

i am so glad that autumn is finally on it's way i've missed the coolness. ever sense i was younger, this time of year gives me butterflies in my stomach. it could be that it was time to go back to school after a long hot summer and seeing all of my friends made for anxious morning stomach gurbles. oddly though i'm not going back to school and the gurbles come back in the morning and in the afternoon when i get off work, right before i get into bed for an early evening nap. outside in the parking lot across the street there are three yellow trees that i park underneath. they have lost the majority of their leaves and the scent is musty like a campfire.

i have been inspired to work again in a scrapbook. it came upon me when i worked with s'more last tuesday night on an independent project for her ap art class. i haven't done a really nice collage in some time and that might be because i've ran clean out of my personal stock of color copies. i have been painting so often in the last couple of years that the only time i do a collage is for the purpose of invitations or stationary. the thing i mostly want is a sewing machine. i'm desperately seeking one (my mother's mother's) sewing machine. i'll continue to beg and plead with her for it, but her response is always the same. "it needs to be fixed, then i'll put it to use myself." oh brother. i refuse to sew anything by hand. i'd like kinko's to invest in a few sewing machines for those of us less fortunate. that way we can have our cards printed and sewn conveniently at the same location. if she, being my mom, were me, i'd give the sewing machine to me, once and for all.

today i've been going through a stack of charts that are expired patients with negative or positive financial balances. because i am here and there it takes me a little longer. i have an hour of work to go.

paint bucket

to be honest with you, i have not got a digital camera or a scanner or any of those expensive things that could make this family tree aesthetically pleasing to look through. so i take pictures that i like from either the 45's photobucket or
veer. usually there's a hint of veer down in the corner of each piece that i include in my blog, just so you know that the images aren't mine.

this weekend i spent some time watching television. i watched the premiere of joan of arcadia on friday night. saturday i spent the early afternoon cleaning the alexanders home. then in the evening i went with aaron & laurie and chris & ann ammons to the pickle barrel. after we ate laurie, ann and i went to see hero. i thought it was a beautiful movie and really had forgotten about it until i realized that father and son wasn't going to cut it just yet in my movie watching itinerary. sunday night i went to work on my mural for three hours. i spent time painting the third kings robe, joseph's robe, hands and faces. one of the funny things about the mural is that throughout this whole entire time it never occurred to me to include adam and eve. i don't feel as though i need to go back and somehow try and fit them in, but up until last night i never once thought of them. i think with all of the people i did include, missing adam and eve won't really matter. afterall, painted naked people in a nursery room might push the envelope further than necessary. despite all of the semi business i had a good weekend.

stick to me

i want to show you one of my most favorite things in the world. i can barely go a whole month without buying new stickers. before the 45 left to go back to honolulu we went to morning glory which is the korean version of sanrio a.k.a. hello kitty. i am having a hard time finding any pictures of the little girl i like the most, but i can tell you this, her name is not pucca. so if you are reading this and think it's pucca it is not.

kk1000 asked me about where my brother is presently employed. he was hired at redbank highschool as a freshman english teacher. he's got six classes a day, zero planning period. he and i talk once a week and he basically could fill an entire year with one days worth of school adventure.

laurie coe collier is presently working at erlanger on the pediatric floor. she's working from 7pm-7am, 3 or 4 days on 3 or 4 days off. i'm not really quite sure.

honosushi

when i visited honolulu the 45 and i ate a whole bunch of sushi. you can go to the seven eleven and purchase a bottle of beer and a six piece california roll. one of the places i miss the most in honolulu is zippy's restaurant. zippy's is opened twenty four hours a day like steak n shake or wafflehouse, expect there's fish&rice on the menu and vegetarian chili. but i miss the cheaper quik stop sushi. one has to be extremely careful in honolulu because the native hawaiian custom is to use spam in their sushi instead of fish. "spiced ham" will never take the place of shrimp, crab, yellowtail or salmon. where is the confusion?

i've noticed that there are quite a few mexican restaurants popping up alongside of all the coffeehouses downtown. if i see one more coffeehouse or mexican restaurant i'm going to jump off a cliff. there is probably a record amount of coffeehouses per square mile in chattanooga then anywhere else in the country except for maybe new york city or portland oregon.

i was able to talk with kk1000 and fenn k. on saturday. they are both doing fairly well in very different ways. kk is going to have a baby girl i think or hopefully, we're not anywhere near able to know for sure. fenn is down in lakeland plugging away in the hot flordia hurricane sun and rain. we are miles apart from one another but in many ways i don't feel the distance at all and i am so thankful for cellphones and bestfriends.

this past friday night meine bruder aaron and i hung out and watched joan of arcadia. who else watches that show on friday night? i'm sure that most people are out drinking or picking out their choice of the best meat. who says staying at home on a friday night isn't cool. aaron and i drank some sierra nevada and skated around the block on my newfound skateboard. aaron is my youngest sibling. he's a freshman english teacher who married a little pediatric nurse. aaron has always been this supercool kid. when he was young he'd never really talk a whole lot. i remember he went through a year of his life when everytime we sat down to eat dinner as a family he'd choke or gag on something and mom would have to pull the hook finger to retrieve the mess from his throat. he also used to tell my mom and the rest of us, especially when we'd be in the car on a sunday afternoon drive, that he wasn't a traveler. he used to go around saying that 'smoking was a bad hobit.' because my mom read the hobit to us, but he was like three or four years old. aaron told me on friday night that skateboarding is coming back into style and that he lets all of his kids at school bring their skateboards into his room during the day so they won't get in trouble for carrying them around in the halls. aaron has a special way about him. it was definitely a nice time we had.

to be duke

last night i sat in my apartment on the second floor looking out across the rest of the city under heavy gusts of wind and rain. the quality of devastation on the southside seems to have been slight with the exception of partial flooding on main street. i never was afraid and if i had been i would have huddled low in the stairwell with turquoise trim. for days the weather patrol have been predicting all sorts of atmospheric catastrophe. to me it has felt like the long awaited autumn season.

in the evenings after eleven p.m. i listen to a local radiostation for my favorite music bits. i'll mute the television news and pretend the news crews are singing in the music videos of bjork, modest mouse, interpol, air and much much more. last night it was to be duke that inspired me to do the enigma's easy crossword puzzle and jot a piece of thought out onto the paper.

duke is on my page,
appearing dizzy footed
with ash and alcohol
at his smokey stool side
to order up the bass
and piano strings plucked
from final efforts to come between
windows that make micro
stained glass scopes turn notes
like lights into magnified
drops. one hit. one high.
one hand at a time.


i went outside for a smoke break and saw bluer sky between dark grey clouds. the worse is over for now. this weekend i will work on the mural and go to "push" at the local if thats what betafish wants to do. i don't have the map anymore. i thought it would be considered stealing so i took it back down to the basement. i'm sure i could go and get it back anytime i need directions. fortunately we all got a three percent raise here at uoha. due to the fact that medicare will be implementing major oncology cuts in 2005 the doctors are proceeding with caution when it comes to their expenditures. i'm thankful regardless and have plans to continue to work through the rest of the year and possibly much longer. i'm not ready to look for a new job yet. i feel overwhelmed in other avenues in my life right now. i resigned my lease at the grand hotel with chattanooga neighborhood enterprises yesterday. they did an apartment inspection and everything was graded good/excellent. i am a neater person now than i used to be. the only time things get out of control are during major art project times.

i am almost finished reading the 9/11 commission report. i'll let you know how it all turns out. no news is good news. if in doubt don't go out.

suffocation street

i must sound like a broken record. a forty five with one too many scratches.

least of my worries

in the basement of my apartment building we discovered a large map of chattanooga. i would love to have a wall big enough to hang it on. chris g had a good idea though. he's the one second from the left. he said i should cut the map apart and put sections of it in each room of my apartment. then when i'm headed to the bathroom or the kitchen i could say i'm going to redbank or let's go in to st elmo. the other idea is to laminate the whole map and use it as linoleum for breaking.

today the map is the least of my worries. the map between the 45 and i is so much bigger than anything that i could ever fit into my apartment. i hesitate to say much about how i feel about our geographical distance. i've been to honolulu to visit and i absolutely loved being there seeing a beautiful landscape everywhere i turned.





i look cocky eyed in the picture of the 45 and i but i don't care. the 45 has a great job on Hickam AFB and he'll be starting the united airlines job in october. that's awesome and i'm so thankful to his parents for letting him live with them so he can save up a bundle of moolah moolah for us to beable to live out there. but we've pushed back the process and i miss him so terribly. and i'm emotionally distraught and confused about making a decision. my faith is being stretched to it's limits. i don't look forward to spending a year of our relationship apart just so that we can live in hawaii. but at the same time i know of plenty of couples who have been apart during crucial parts of their relationships and they make it and they are stronger for it. many people ask me why i haven't already moved out there and my answer to that question is that i would like to be married before i make a move like that. the other question people ask is why won't the 45 move back to chattanooga and then you both move back out to honolulu. we have some extremely tough choices to make. we were able to talk quite effectively while he was visiting and i felt like we came to a reasonable conclusion but he's only been gone three days and i'm hurting so badly right now. our primary focus has always been our love and our faith, but now we're both fighting to think and swim above the water. i know that there are tons of people out there praying for the 45 and i. kate and joel, jen kring, my mom and dad and brothers and sisters in law, shan alexander, and maryalice hatch, and recently i just found out that tobey carpenter has been praying for me. i know that i am blessed and i have felt the holy spirit surrounding me with wisdom, guidance, strength, love and grace and mercy. my god is miraculous and i am apart of a this miracle campaign. my appreciation to those of you who stand with me during this time in my life.

back against the wall

a week has passed with event after event under my belt. the 45 Revolver was here for the week and there were many people to see and things to do. a whirlwind blew threw and i felt a little like the people must feel down in flordia. today i'm back to the work force, playing a game of catch up. but while the 45 was intown he took a whole bunch of pictures of everything under the sun. i'm not about to post everything out here but one of the coolest things he did was take pics of my art. the most recent piece that i've been working on is a portrait of little josiah knutson. it's the first portrait i have done sense a piece i did of my brother aaron back about two years ago. i incorporated a lot into this specific painting. there is a layer of yellow grid drywall tape to give the piece a canvas like texture. there is wax and paper and thread. i also used some of those nice foam letters as additional dimension and force with in the piece. i have no probably with saying that i like the piece quite a bit. it came pretty naturally and yet i've got it hanging but it is not exactly finished. we'll see now that the 45 is gone i'll have more time to work again. i also got two new canvas from biglots the week before last. i really don't buy a whole lot of canvas i attempt to just paint on whatever i can find lying around the house. but i happened across the quality and picked up a couple. i'm supposed to work on two pieces for my mother. on of the old house and one for the newly painted guest bedroom. we'll see. definitely see.


i'll have some more to offer but until then keep up the checking up here.

wattstax

don't be surprised by the fact that i am finally back. the last week and a half have been absolutely crazy times at ridgemont high so to speak. last week i needed to improve my work production and i didn't want to spend a whole lot of time on the www. the work has been really stressful and discouraging for me lately. i have not felt that great about the atmosphere but i also don't think i've been as motivated. i know that in the last three years i've gone through these sort of phases of unmotivation at work but for some reason the conflict seems insurmountable. the 45Revolver got into knoxville on saturday on we decided to go to K.F.A.R. from there which is Knoxville's First amendment Radio Station. He played a set on air that just blew everyone away. The party was outside around a large bonfire and Ratchet made some homebrew for all of us to drink. Sunday he played the sunday morning reggea set and then we took off to come back down to chattanooga for ROOFLESS. ROOFLESS went off with much of a hitch other than not being able to get into the Local until 9pm which was the needledrop. Monday we all went to a Lookout's game, then all the kids came back to my apartment. I had so much fun with everyone. the 45 was so hilarious at the game. we have talked about going to a baseball game together sense we got together but we got together in december when the baseball season was off. yesterday, which was tuesday we just played fussball and went to the choochoo for breakfast and then we took pizza to the parentals house. my mom and the 45 are so similar. they get along so well, it's just incredible for me to watch my mom respond to someone like she responds to him. they just talk and talk and it makes me know that my mom and dad really like him, not just a little, but a whole bunch. tonight, after work, we're going over to aaron and laurie's house for dinner. i'm looking forward to spending the rest of the week with the 45 before he goes back to honolulu. i know that so many people have been praying for me and the 45 while he was visiting. i have felt those prayers. continue to pray for us both.

i'll be keeping everyone updated in the nearer future.