to be

best coffee

since none of you seem to be reeling with ideas and i happened to drink two large cups of the very best coffee in the whole world last night before i went to bed. i was up at two a.m. pondering all of the framing possibilities...

Yellow Paper Quilt Collage & WIP

i am so excited to present to you my third completed paper quilt collage. i cannot tell you how thrilled i am to have finally finished work on this little doodad, afterall it took me two weeks or more. saturday i slept in big time and when i woke up, i jumped right into the yellow. i didn't stop until 5 o' clock or six, no shower, barely anything eaten, surviving the day with coffee and a few cigarettes. i am really pleased with how everything came together there at the end. i was debating on what kind of drawings to do in the two boxes and happened to be thumbing through an old delia's and saw this shirt and thought the design was cool enough to make into flowers. i cannot find it on the website but honestly this little photo of this black and white shirt was enough to pump my spirits up. the arrows on the left were a simple way of replicating the origami directions in the middle. the arrows also remind me of little trees. you'll most definitely be seeing arrows again. i am so so so thankful for this color in my life. it has brought a tremendous amount of sunshine. it adds yet another element to the whole of my little project and this collage like the previous ones has given me insight and new ideas, new inspiration.


on sunday i started the next:green. finally i'm getting around to the month's color. i am really excited about this little 8 x 10. it is sort of how i felt about the red&pink one. i think i'll be able to come up with a little bit more green. at least it hasn't been so difficult thus far. after the green i'm going to start orange. and then i will have a problem probably because i am not going to do purple, so i will have to pick between black, grey, or white. i'm just not a purple girl, maybe lavendar or violet could work. we'll see, cross that bridge when i get there. anyway. i am also thinking about how i want to eventually frame and put these pieces together. so if any of you have any ideas i am open for suggestions. by the end of it all, i will have six 8 x 10 collages. wondering if i should frame them all seperately or what...i just wish you all could see these up close. it has been a real pleasure to play like this for these weeks and months. hope you've had fun too.

attic-tions

i know that i should probably be thinking about green but yellow is still prominently playing in my mind. as i have not even come close to finishing my latest collage. i'm a putz for slowing to a snail's pace. instead of making yellow, i ventured out to play with my friends, tromping around the jefferson heights playground and construction site with k and fam. i am encouraged by my friends, encouraged for my friends, and happy that they are moving maybe two minutes away, around the corner and down the street. it was really nice outside last night, cool or warm enough to wear flipflops and my shirt from parable ink without a long sleeve underneath.

when i got home i felt like a thinking lab. i asked myself, "what do you feel like doing now, cat?" and the answer: "fool around with my digicam." a little self portrait play. i cannot imagine what i would do if i had other people living around me, i'd go crazy taking tons of whacky fotos.


bside: lately things have been feeling right, or better. i have been working on my heart lately. thinking before i speak, trying to be slow in my reaction, smiling and waving more. kind of neat that my foto reflects a light and warm color around my mid section-heart area. i also wanted to say that i saw this really cool thing about yoga the other night on pbs. i think i may try it out sometime. in the past i've always thought it was weird and sexual or something. who knows? but i think my eyes were opened to seeing-feeling past insecurity. and honestly i have not been working on my s.m.o.k.i.n.g attic-tion. but walking everyday helps me think about quitting. i am still even steven at or between 145 to 147. plateau city is calling my name. i'm outta here.

.amber.bisque.buff.gold.lemon.saffron.

are you a good speller? are you a walking, talking thesaurus? if you are i would like you right now, i'm just sure of it. confessionally speaking, my color vocabulary has been sinking lowly style for a week. so i am pulling out all of the stops, grasping at straws, falling for all of the thesauritic possibilities. and i'm actually coming up with little bits here and there. i am learning that there are many shades of yellow and that monochromatic can also mean the my paper quilt collage can appear to have only one color. i'm not sure if that makes sense or not but as you can see my scrapes show little evidence of good yellow.

i wish that i had a constant supplier of all things good color paper, i'm wishywashy about design. i am not ungrateful though and am willing to compensate, by any means. i'd like to be sponsered, sponsered by a paper making company, a printing company, a shoe company would be nice too considering i've got baby feet. i could be the perfect spokesgirl for your little company. right?

i only have this snippet to show, not a whole lot to show for all the effort. um, tonight i'm off to the meeting place. i cannot wait. i should have the yellow wrapped up by the end of the week. anyone have a suggestion for my next color, green? since it is march and all and st. patrick's day is right o' round the corner.

catalog card

interest.summer.activity

don't you just love fresh guacamole? i used to make it all of the time and truthfully i got burnt out. summer seems to be around the corner though. at least it is in the air today and maybe the good old guac could make a come back. it is this afternoon at least, my lunch served up amigo style. i was watching a slice of television before bed and the truelove, and caught up with a couple of ideas. i have long abandoned no waste wednesday but thought i would sorta bring it back today. inspired or not. really cool summer activity for your small children. start setting aside a couple dollars each week, save up a little to send your little tikes out into the world of camp!!!

1. Circus Camp: this looks really awesome you guys!!! if i had a kid or two i'd have to send them to barking legs theatre for a week in july just so that they'd have this opportunity and the ability to thrive outside of the daily routine. by the end of the week your child has been lifted into a new world where art and music and performance becomes their life. by the end they've got a circus to perform and you get to watch!!! your little guy only has to be four years old and it's for a short time each day, 8:30am-12:30pm {snacktime included}. the day is split into four sections: visual art {planning, designing, creating the set for the circus}; music {writing music and song, developing the instruments, and playing instruments for the circus}, performance {learn about stage presense, acting, behavior, how, where, when to come onto stage, write circus script}, and finally movement {learn how to dance, act like, be the animals in the circus}.

doesn't it sound so...well go check it out and starting saving the moolah!!!

2. Chattanooga Zoo Camp: unfortunately there isn't a whole lot of info on the website yet for this yearly upcoming event. they promise to update soon. i think if your kid is into animals and says that he/she wants to be an animal or a vet than this would be a place for them to go and see, play, and do. i remember when i was a senior in highschool i volunteered at the zoo as a "friend of the zoo." for an entire semester i went and cut up all kinds of food and proceeded to feed all of the animals, even the tigers. the zoo then, wasn't what it is today and i'd definitely go to the zoo and see if it is an environment you'd want your kid to be in but this sounds pretty neat! let me know if you have got more info or if your kid has ever been...i'm interesed.

3. Chattanooga Nature Center Camp(s): the CNC has a whole lot to offer all year round, but especially in the summer for your kids!!! i personally was involved with the CNC camps many years ago when they were first getting started and the camps were so much fun, kids and parents loved it alike. it is a little different these days, more organized, more age specific and of course the nature center continues to strive in growing little people's minds. when my brother was a young kid he was able to volunteer as a junior camp counselor, he was actually their very first counselor in training. and was the little boy so eager to be outside and in the nature that they actually began a CIT program. this is really perfect for your older children's needs. how cool, how adventurous is that?

anyway. it's not a crafty post today but hopefully one that will help and give you some summer activity ideas. i'd also like to suggest that if you are short on the fundage you should offer to volunteer at one of these camps for a discount rate or maybe you and all your mommie friends should start a summer camp of your own. a co-op camp or something. learn to teach your children about the grassroot efforts and opportunities in our little community.

^above: the poison tree my most "interesting" photo, according to flickr. what is the most interesting photo you think you've ever taken? i mean really, it has got to be more interesting than my poison tree.

i have so much to post today: a specific discussion i had with my mom last night, one of those great thought provoking conversations, that i'll have to post about tomorrow or something. have a good day and stay interested in what you and your family are doing!!!

remember happy?

i am freezing cold. i went outside to my car, heard a review of the debut album from the trucks. i have never heard of the trucks before. another girlie punk band. i like how i became the bomb. i like the website. i don't know much from the shins but saw them on saturday night live. i thought the shins were supposed to be punk, how did i come up with that persception. i wonder if i could be a music critic?

i did not get around to working on the yellow paper quilt collage this weekend. i did however make a list on saturday morning and accomplished everything on that list. all except baking my junglegym chocolate chip cookies. i will save that chore for tuesday or wednesday night. laundry piles up as if i had a family of five. piles of magazines need to be organized. and my bills needed to be paid. afterall it is the beginning of march. funny.

i had a conversation on the telephone with my mom last week. at one point i told her that i was alright, really alright and that i needed to remember to remind myself that i am actually very happy. my mom laughed at me. and she's told me since that i needed to post along the lines of our conversation. i do not know if posting all of this is all that important. nevertheless, i am very quick to forget what it is i am happy about. joy is stolen from me, as if i'm mugged around every corner. i am to blame though. solely responsible. because i walk around with my ears tuned to hear the impossible, the critic, and the struggle. it is a focus not really worth living for, to chalk it up. a focus revolving around my relationships and my art and jobs are really worth living for. the small minute victories there between the lines i live.

i'd like to think and discuss more of the possibilities. my mom and i would like to collaborate and write:illustrate a children's book. my mother is going to be a grandmother for the first time in her life in a few short months. i will be an aunt and so there are these new little people that are going to enter our lives and we are a family of readers, writers, artists, builders, and healers. what will our legacy be?

i see myself becoming more involved with the art community in chattanooga. i do not know how it will happen or when but there are more and more possibilities opening up everyday.

***i am happy because i grew up safely. without domestic violence, alcohol or drug abuse. i am happy that i wasn't neglected or orphaned. i am happy because i never broke a bone or had to get stitches. i am happy that i have my own car, my own apartment, my new cellphone. all of the stupid little things like my bird collection and button collection, and tiny things collection make me happy. and music from out of the woodwork makes me happy. i even like wearing my grey coat inside because it makes me warm and happy. what makes you really happy?

*there you have it*

okay so it has taken me a little longer than i told you that it would, to complete the Blue Paper Quilt Collage. to begin with i had some trouble coming up with the right drawings, then the paintmarkers were being fairly stubborn. this go around i pencil drew the sunshine and welcome tree first, then went over it with blue ink, added the paintmarker color, went over the blue ink a second time, then the paintmarker again. fine lines are really vital, my goal is for the collage to look as though it has been printed or manipulated on the computer. i am not about to critique, i'll leave that to you.

i am just as happy with my second in the second series, as i am in the pink&red. last night after work i even got around to preparing my next canvas board for the yellow&"hint o' green" paper quilt collage. this process is going really really smoothly. i cannot wait to pursue colors beyond just the primary. yellow will be a challenge, just because i don't know how much yellow paper i've got collected. all and all i haven't had to purchase anything, it has all been about recycle, reuse, renew!!! hahaw!

i feel like such a dork. i wanted to mention that i will not be putting any of my new work up for sale quite yet. i am saving one piece for someone who has already expressed interest. and the rest i am storing up for a possible future exhibit. at the time of the exhibit-when it happens i will do my best to give everyone a fair opportunity to purchase. that is if there happens to be a high demand.

as already mentioned; and to add to my dorkiness; i have been officially invited to the month of may, to participant in the lovely Paper Quilt Project. i cannot express how happy i am. how utterly humble i feel. by just looking at the other artists that i have the honor to share the month with i'm overwhelmed. i suppose to some it may not be that big of a deal but i do have the deep desire to be recognized for my talent and gift. most of all i want to share, give and express my thankfulness and joy through my art, through creating. the paper quilt project was a small goal, a small dream, hidden away in the recesses of my brain, a chance that i wanted to try and achieve. it may not mean that all of a sudden my art "takes off", but it gives me a feeling of great accomplishment. if nothing else i will have given my very best. a small glimmering light. peace in this cat heart.

waking in the dark

i dislike waking up in the morning and it being dark outside still. i feel fragile in the morning, most of the time i wake up extremely grumpy and cannot imagine what it must be like to wake up with a husband and children. i know that most of my lifestyle would have to change if all of a sudden there were other people in the morning. i enjoy loading the dishwasher in the morning. i make a pot of coffee every three days or so and i microwave a cup at a time. i try and take a twenty six minute nap between my first job and my second job. i only drink soy milk. it is more expensive but it lasts and lasts, much longer than moo milk.

i am really really really excited about a future participation opportunity in the paper quilt project. i know it sounds dorky but i really care alot about what is going on here on the great big www. i like the paper craft community and all the greatness it has to offer. my most recent inspiration, as of today, aaron tucker. he seems to like squares too. i want some snap cups!!! seen first at happy mundane and then on d*s.

i only recently began going to a new hair salon, my hair dressers name is jenny. i used to cut and dye my hair all of the time. i have never had my nails done acrylic style. and i went to little five in atlanta once and bought a bottle of electric blue hair dye. never bleached or permed before, it looked old and grey. much like the photo above. i worked a tad more on the welcome tree last night. i have nothing to show for it yet. i was too busy watching television, catching up with oprah's school in south africa. unga bunga. i am already looking forward to the weekend. i cannot wait. i have been listening to the decemberists like a mad woman.

WIP:Blue&Brown Paper Quilt Collage

this morning as i was getting into my car, and my car door attacked me. ouch!!! the corner top of the door cut about a half inch gash at the edge of my left eyebrow. i wish that i could cry real tears and not just the "ooo that hurt, my eyes are watering". when my car hurts me i have a tendency to think it is because i am short, it's a good thing i've got a tiny car. i now have a quarter sized bump, and a bruise is appearing slightly now. i have to believe my day and the rest of the week will only get better.

i worked a really long day on saturday, ten hours at the rx. six on sunday. regardless i managed to find the time to make some progress on the newest blue&brown paper quilt collage. i have yet to finish two drawings, the first, a welcome tree in the bottom right hand corner, and then some more of my "eyeball" flowers in the grey squared square. i spent more time laying the pieces together for this collage. i have thought about what i'd like the viewer to experience or feel. i imagine this piece to be more about building or architecture. even though i use images, like the ballerinas, they don't necessarily mean anything. it is more about where they are placed as well as the form they make up and what relation they have to the other pieces of the collage. for instance their little hands are lined up with the grey square diagonal. a little secret of mine: i think about a spiral and the golden mean. it isn't all random, it is very thought out and precise. really. i should beable to finish the drawings tonight and have the complete quilt with photos tomorrow or the next day.

i off to surf and eat okra.

WIP:it real good:baby blue paper quilt collage

i don't mention inspiration as often as i used to because there is so much of it everywhere i surf. i enjoy the fact that everytime i turn around yet another craft-art-graphic design blog surfaces upon the horizon. it is a show and tell world, the freshest, newest, most creative are featured regularly-everyday. how are we ever to become bored?

once i told my friend, very quickly and quietly that i was bored of looking at the same things {at the time everyone was on a blogging fast-no new posts}. i am glad that feeling moved on and i've not felt that way again. reading about stephanie's eggcellent adventures, i became especially interested in the color choices and shapes of her baby blue birds egg shapes. i am learning to take my paper craft slowly, laying things out, much like i would if i were sewing.

have a good weekend you all. take care. and btw thank you so much for all of the supportive words, encouraging thoughts and comments. i have been thinking about you all, hoping that in someway my paper quilts might bring brightness, light and inspiration to each of you.

Newest:Red&Pink Paper Quilt Collage

yeah yeah yeah. i am so excited about my new paper quilt collage. i actually did what i said i wanted to do. i finished this collage in a timely fashion. last night i came home from work and instead of taking a nap i sat and "diligently" completed the drawing parts:the "eyeball" flowers and the baby blue bird in the top left hand corner. funny! the blue bird is an exact replica of a previous bird drawing, well sort of. but i wanted to explain that both of these finished squares were indeed hand drawn, not photocopied or traced. it is important to me that there is an element of my own skill in a collage like this, kindof graphic and geometeric in nature. sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it?

i'm so pleased. i feel my abilities are growing and that these new collage endeavors are going to be better than the last ones. i've decided to do a quilt collage in every color. red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, brown, and black. a nice even total of eight collages.

i was able to begin the next in the series, no not orange, but blue. i have a few WIP photos in my flickr acct, see paper quilt series set.

i'm going to put off review ahab's wife for another day. and i'm not sure about the rest of the week and week-end. working here and at the rx until sunday evening. take care my friends.

WIP:red&pink paper quilt collage

today has been a bit hectic around here. the president came through at around eleven thirty a.m. my coworkers and i spent an hour looking for the best place to see him from. we finally stood about one hundred yards from his white tent. i took photos even though now, in retrospect, i wasn't really supposed to. everyone was using their cameraphones. see more if you'd like here.
i know that a whole lot of people were probably stuck in traffic {katie}, i am glad i was here at work.

i am finally able to show my newest work in progress. the next in my paper quilt collage series. not to be confused with this paper quilt project hosted by the lovely dawbis. i have just a few more touches to make, oughta have it wrapped up by this evening with new photos and a option to buy it out of my etsy account in the next week or so. i will be making quite a few of these so keep your eye out, for your favorite monochromatic paper quilt collage. i also have an all woman show coming up in april, hopefully. and i'd like to have one of every color of the rainbow.

i also finished reading ahab's wife the night before last and have started reading truelove by patrick o'brien, who also wrote master and commander. i thought i'd stick to the sea for a little while longer. i'll have a review in a couple of days. it's on my list of things to post about.

two by two

i wish i were still in the midst of my weekend. sleeping in until ten a.m. and mounds of whole wheat waffles. indian mahal, forrest magic opening up for how i became the bomb, a little pbr, and shopping in atlanta. i would like a whole week of time and motivation to make all the new art i possibly could. it is coming, i'm almost through with my very new pink and red paper quilt collage. i already feel so much better about this one, the quality, the look, the "yes" factor, all of it, will show WIP in the next day or so. until then feast your eyes upon this tiny sweet little change purse. so much fun! and more here.

one hundred percent exposure

happy valentine's day. a day late, a dollar short. i have attempted to get this post up and out of here and it's not working. i feel out numbered. in a corner of thought i cannot escape. i am in the middle of fixing a billing error here at the office, stretching back to the mid of o' five. i have temporarily lost interest. yesterday was so great though.

i left my apartment early to pick up a package at the post office before work. how's a valentine package to start of your day right? this one was so fantastic. i will post and share photos very soon. a little piece of heaven wrapped up especially for me, waiting for me to open. i only wish it might happen everyday. thank you so much jen! it was so much fun to share with my coworkers*the littlest change purse was a magnificant hit. goodness.

i cannot wait to make make make some art:collage with my new paper {vintage wallpaper pieces-omg! more great stuff from jen}. it's really bad that i haven't started anything new. i know. i just wanted to cross stitch. which reminds me: i ended up looking around a bit for graffiti cross stitch. check this out, those of you who regularly check in with whipup might rememer-i don't. anyway i knew my idea wasn't original and i wanted to follow up and share. i would really like to get my hands on a free version of the PC Stitch program...anyone have any ideas?

and the black and white self portrait. unga! i have the great threadless shirt on that kate gave me for my birthday. still a very happy thing for me to have been given. walking away from my desk to exercise is good. i am keeping up. i am not losing weight, but my goodness, i took a four month-"i'm pissed off" break from walking and climbing fifteen flights of stairs everyday. this will be the third year in a row that i have tried to make a conscience effort-improving my health, my five foot tall body can't carry around the blubber, my self esteem shouldn't have to succumb to it's own self ridicule, i should have enough discipline, enough self respect to do something about the cottage cheese. i relapsed a bit {i'm in denial (alot)} in august, honestly before then. i still haven't picked up a whole hellofa lot of meat-beef-dead-flesh, but the diary the diary the dairy. i still don't drink any cows milk-just soy and i don't use real butter and i'm looking into egg replacer. cheese is hard to resist and cigarettes are still apart of my daily diet. thank god i'm not addicted to all things sugar, my weakness is a bag of sour cream and onion ruffles potato chips-yum yum! so the process is slow but i haven't given up. and i am holding at an over weight amount of one hundred and forty seven pounds...woohoo! my goal should be one hundred and seventeen but i'm just shooting for one thrity nine. whatayathink?

on being orphaned

i worked this past weekend and neglected to get a speck of laundry done. this morning reminded that i have stampin' up tonight. tuesday dinner with m.c. and cousin katie for her birthday. increased hours at cvs rx. working wednesday, thursday and friday night. might take an over night to see a on sunday. will be going shopping in atlanta with my sisters in law on monday. the days and weeks are so so full. awgh!
i finished putting together my things for the valentine swap. i tried to hustle with hope of getting it out on time. i even got my very first cross stitched heart finished. i was going to send it, but decided to change things up at the last minute. i know who i'm giving my heart to this year. all that i have left to check off my list is well a whole bunch of things for sure. but i'm still diligently working on my package for nina. things are coming together in a very special way.

i am wondering* my last post was really about my heart and my mind being in the same place. being that deep about anything specific isn't really something i like to post about but it had just happened on thursday morning last week. i was not discouraged before nor was i lost in my art before. i have been feeling very productive in the last view months and my reaction to the morning study on thursday was purely emotional. it wasn't all about making art for me. it was about being me-cat.

as a single woman-girl-daughter-sister-friend. i have gone through different phases. it is really very different, being all alone. i don't write alot about my feelings on the matter because it doesn't matter all the time. there isn't one thing anyone can do to change my view of being single. it doesn't matter how social or unsocial i am. it doesn't matter how much i know or don't know. it doesn't matter how much i try. *these are/have been some of my thoughts: is there something wrong with my personality, am i too strong, am i too short, is my butt too big, am i intimidating, are men actually the weaker species, do i want to be married, do i really need to have children:to have children, am i a better person because i am unattached, do i have a closer relationship with christ:less of a chance that a hu{man} can come between myself and my maker. should i just put out on the first date, and the list could go on.

imagine coming home from working 9-5 and 6-9 to an empty apartment. sometimes it is good, i mean really good. the quiet is incredible, the peace and rest is overwhelming. i do not have to share. i do not have to respect-respect myself-learning to take care of my physical being. i do not have to bow-submit-discipline. except handling my finances every day becomes a hassle, handling the cleaning, the eating, the daily habits, the character issues that arise are just a little harder to get at because there isn't a husband to point it out. don't get me wrong, there is mom and kate, jen and matt, even m.c. and laurie and my brother aaron: these people keep me. i'm reminded of the path, my goodness.

i'm not going to be a better person if i all of a sudden get married and start having kids. if i get married i'm not all of a sudden going to start making art that sells all over the place, i'm not going to start making art that i really want to show in galleries. i am not going to start being wealthy, i'm not going to just all of a sudden be happier. i'm not all of a sudden going to have "it". having a man to validate big huge portions of my life would be nice, but it's not necessary for breath, nor true living, or simple faith and hope. being married isn't even a command and yet if i'm in a room of a lot a lot of married couples i feel like i might just disappear. the study on thursday, really simply reminded my of how really dear i am to my creator. her words reminded me of my gifts, my talents, my depth and my offerings. it reminded that whether i am single or married i may often feel orphaned. whether i have children or not i may always need maternal validity. i remembered that persceptions of me aren't always truth, fact, or even important and that i am god's daughter, adopted by him, invited into his home, called to obey him first-no matter what.

there's no need for you all to worry. i appreciate your thoughts, love and prayers, but nothing is wrong. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. and i didn't mean to convey a spirit of sadness, i meant to have expressed this, this way^. that's all.

inspite:wait loss

the day before yesterday my mother told me that an artist we both know, who happens to host a weekly bible study on thursday mornings in her home, would be speaking about her one month voyage away from home at the vermont art center. an early morning invitation.

but, waking up at five thirty in the morning is a hassle (excuse), and in my mind a nightmare. a potential waste of time, waking before the sun has yet to greet us. a world around me has so little to offer me but sleep that early in the morning. all because i have been habitually making acquaintances with one a.m. and her little sister one thirty. "you won't regret it", my mother suggestively said, persuaded i went. this morning in greyness.

a severe warmth and comfort welcomed me, quiet voices of women and the smell of a coffee fortune. though i forewent, according to the mumbles of an already acidic stomach. a low fire buring, the stroke of eight a.m. hidden tears with knowledge and awareness tumbling, low beneath my bowed head. for fear of spilling out a tremendous wave of emotion. i was there to support, i thought proudly. oh how i terribly mislead myself, too often to count.

how do i begin, i'd rather leave it all alone, and forget.

i must resist the temptation, i must tell, bare witness to the work of the holy spirit through one artist's words, her journal, her fear, her humility and not all of that but christ jesus alone. my god. to believe. some might say moments like mine, this morning are magical. magic is not real, the act of magic is performance, and what i experienced was real. no authority stands to derive some over simplified summary of our being there. no judgement, no throne to which one is chosen to sit, pontificate and ressurect our conscience mind. my heart gave out. i knew, called out of my weakness i should be there. vunerable, defenseless i had to be there, to be lifted. words flowed. in the midst of great darkness there is light and gratitude. in the midst of brokeness there is peace and validation. she an artist, like me, like her, we find solitude to be a comfort. branching out is without a doubt the most difficult aspect of my life. it isn't just about branching out, it is about the act of opening all kinds of doors, submission, "talking about my art", my words, her words.

all i want in my life is more time, more time, more time. please. i need an almighty god to give me just a little tiny bit more time to make art. art and making art is one of my number one loves. a little bit more time to be a better daughter, a better friend, a wife, a mother, a sister. look he has already given. i am entirely tirelessly grateful for my mother, for my father, for "big e", m.c., aaron & laurie, smoore and emoore, for the three littlest boys:caleb,liam, and sam (who we love and will welcome when they get here). grateful beyond words for katie, jen, matt, andrea, hannah (her words on looking up), josiah, coworkers: amp, linda, gh, and carolyn in the city.

***i will never know enough, my words will always fall short of the exact thought or express emotion i had. my intellect fails me when faced with college graduates, my faith falters before the fevered. my spirit shrinks between insecurity and self doubt and "if i were all that dark inside there would actually be no place for christ". meditation: to free ones mind of thought and focus on the thought. i shall not. god has given me my breath and i will focus on my life. funny how i am worse than i think and it is because of jesus, and yes because of my deep need to know him that i accept him in. everyday. we all need validation, a balance (the breath of life) between what we think of ourselves and what others we know think of us. jesus must be my everything.

how can i resolve? there is no resolve, but rest is waiting for me in jesus. resolve is to remove myself from the discussion or battle. how many come to the perfect point where all is well, where we feel loved, needed, wanted, and validated one hundred percent of the time. is there a reason to give up in the face of late nights? in the face of financial stress, artistic block walls, relationship requirements:expectations? believers often throw up their hands, surrender, resolve, make laws they think they can keep inorder to win the losing battle. inspite of myself i will be thankful.

when i left at ten til nine i cried with my mother by our cars in the grey coldness. cried out at the beauty, to the wordless moments to warm us. melt our hearts and minds. a bend in the road, there is no more waiting, a focus, a reverse of thought and reminder of god's severe mercies, grace and love.

steal my idea

yesterday i felt like the left side of my neck was buldging, a tumor, a lymphnode, an alien creature growing, whatever the thought. this morning it is all about the way i slept the night before last. today there is only a blurry ache, not so much a knot or buldge. i will always try to shake off nagging fear, ward off the dangers of hypochondria, and pull up boot straps. i hold on to double standards when it comes to my health, as you have noticed.

last night i finished up one more thing that i will be sending to nina and to j. i jumped head first into mailorder number five-when i saw the sewing project a bit of glee overwhelmed me. i had not cross stitched in such a long time that the opportunity has swooped me up, i'm loving it. while sitting in the warmth, drinking hot tea for fear of getting sick, i thought of graffiti style cross stitching...oh yeah!!! can you imagine? have you heard of such a thing? i haven't, only knitted graffiti. all i need to do is get my hands on a some black:dark material, draw up some of my very own graffiti and wha-la!!! you're welcome to steal this, probably not, my idea-as there is no such thing as original-right?

and because today is tuesday, self portrait, blah. and i'm not in the know as to the theme for february. but i know one thing for sure. i have been working to wear make up every single day. talk about a self portrait challenge. i carry tissue, black eye linear, and have become very used to the idea of pressed powder. i also may look in the mirror more than i used too. considering by the end of the day, if i'm not careful, i've got dark black circles under my eyes, as the eye makeup has slowly made it's way down my face. oh geez, are you disgusted?

anyway. please. look. here. this is totally neato! afterall, how do you feel?

flea market:beehive tree {revealed!!!}

flash boom bang!!! without further todo, i present this, the flea market:beehive tree. i finally finished it up last night, with some fear of failing, fear of ruining it all with too much, too many dots, too much fuss and fumble. it all came together pretty well and i'm really happy now to be moving on. so much relief. i'm going to take a break from the tree movement for a bit, to pick up cross stitching my mailorder, putting together nina's package, and kristen's package, and well, i want to do a series of six paper quilt collage pieces. i have yet to begin...although i have ideas abrewing.

*now do you remember the bicycle on this piece
and i must say without one doubt that it has been good to take a little break from phantomcrimes. although i couldn't keep from posting a little bit {i cannot resist sufjan stevens any longer}. my addiction to blogging is strange and often prohibits me from reality of sorts. in addition there are so many things i long to express here but would not want to distract from sharing my art. my art brings me so much strength and i'd rather not always run amok with the depravity i often feel about, for one, being very single. awh the words vomit out of my mouth, off the ends of my fingertips. what tragedy and drama-to create is rather satisfying, and contrary to what people do say about artists in general, creating for me doesn't feel as self centered. even though it is a very individual-solo sort of activity. making the kind of art that i do brings me a deep sense of comfort and security unlike anything in my life. i often look at the art i've made and think it holds some kind of mystery that i am not even privy to solve-uncover. as a matter of fact no one has ever taken the time to ask me what i think my art means. so there the mystery lies, i suppose. i have come to call my trees, my growing forest of thought, reflection, relaxation and resolve. i also have loved my phantomcrimes, this familytree represents, i am solo, but a growing family awaits me. my tree spreads, using light, drinking beauty up through it's roots. and so i motion for you to follow me, be inspired, be lifted up, be moved to create. and remember that breaking is important, valuable, and just as satisfying as being creative. rest=contentment=thankfulness=joy.