5.31.2005

missing innocence



if it were not for the small moments when the world grows silent at night before i drift off to sleep, i might not think of anything but myself. i have often thought that my greatest fear was that of being me, myself, and i. though i have found that my greatest weakness is pride. fear is driven by pride in this orphan steam engine heart and soul of mine. i am shocked and horrified by...

i had started writing this entry back at the end of may, when i thought all was going well enough. but today i feel as though the waves have crashed back down upon me. there is not an end to the issues with the new software here at the workforce. i have thought to throw my hands up, but do not feel as though i have my mind enough nor hands to even do so. i have spoken so often with the software company that i feel my voice is growing smaller and smaller by the minute and my initial roar is now a annoying din like whir. shwoosh. how i am i supposed to move forward when my legs are no longer apart of my body. i feel the grey hairs on my head plotting the war against the dwindling brown. i am so sad because i feel so old and so tired and haven't thought of anything more ridiculous than the occassional tear welling up under my eyelids. it's pathetic i know. i hate feeling a self centered ness cropping up like a wild fire on the back of my brain. in the center of my heart i know that his grace is overwhelmingly sufficient for me. i am blessed to be a witness of his power to redeem whatever is wrong inside and outside of my mind and heart right now.

geez, do the waves ever stop? i am sure, completely positive that this wave will end and another will arise and by that time i'll have forgotten all about this time in my life. it's a second of hours, days and years that amount to my entire life. i believe that the situation with my co worker has slight ly resolved itself. i do not know how or when or why, but there is now mutual conversation that began this past friday. she was pleasant and offered her leftover frenchfries. i suppose it could be because i was actually the only one in the office at the time, but nonetheless the tiny blessing are there, even if i am blind to them the majority of the time.

i have had some nice off times from work. i have made no artistic progress whatsoever. i am the blahgrahblah. although i felt extremely encouraged by my times with kate, lil josiah j, and eden b, this past sunday. i mostly want to have a little bit of a baby to tote around with me. step of the workforce track and start up this procreation station, but who the hell knows a good man? i don't think there are any. honestly. and i'm not worried about bashing the good ones who are already married. i think i missed my boat to sri lanka to pick homes out of the mud. or i must've missed the college or bust op to find that man of my dreams. i don't have the time too much. what with these two freakin jobs and all. i am glad i've got a second job, i don't about getting another paycheck from all uoha for awhile. the software isn't bringing us any money any time soon.

please send the furitive prayers this a way. i cannot be without a good paying job, because of a decision i made to have new software put in the office.

2 comments:

sweethc said...

You have got to get out of this funk. This coming from a person who just came out of a funk.;) May I suggest you start a gratitude journal to aid you in seeing all of the blessings around you? There is too much talent in you to stay in a state of self-pity and depression. If you can send me simple paper stars that made my day, I can send you prayers, blessings and hope. Keep your head UP, Cat!

katiek said...

sometimes in these funky times little things in the mail, visits etc. make those hard things easier to get through. we'll fill your heart with little kid laughter and crying this weekend. my funk revolves around hardly ever leaving my house. and unfulfilled projects n goals. we all are living vicariously in many ways thru our friends.