missing innocence

if it were not for the small moments when the world grows silent at night before i drift off to sleep, i might not think of anything but myself. i have often thought that my greatest fear was that of being me, myself, and i. though i have found that my greatest weakness is pride. fear is driven by pride in this orphan steam engine heart and soul of mine. i am shocked and horrified by...

i had started writing this entry back at the end of may, when i thought all was going well enough. but today i feel as though the waves have crashed back down upon me. there is not an end to the issues with the new software here at the workforce. i have thought to throw my hands up, but do not feel as though i have my mind enough nor hands to even do so. i have spoken so often with the software company that i feel my voice is growing smaller and smaller by the minute and my initial roar is now a annoying din like whir. shwoosh. how i am i supposed to move forward when my legs are no longer apart of my body. i feel the grey hairs on my head plotting the war against the dwindling brown. i am so sad because i feel so old and so tired and haven't thought of anything more ridiculous than the occassional tear welling up under my eyelids. it's pathetic i know. i hate feeling a self centered ness cropping up like a wild fire on the back of my brain. in the center of my heart i know that his grace is overwhelmingly sufficient for me. i am blessed to be a witness of his power to redeem whatever is wrong inside and outside of my mind and heart right now.

geez, do the waves ever stop? i am sure, completely positive that this wave will end and another will arise and by that time i'll have forgotten all about this time in my life. it's a second of hours, days and years that amount to my entire life. i believe that the situation with my co worker has slight ly resolved itself. i do not know how or when or why, but there is now mutual conversation that began this past friday. she was pleasant and offered her leftover frenchfries. i suppose it could be because i was actually the only one in the office at the time, but nonetheless the tiny blessing are there, even if i am blind to them the majority of the time.

i have had some nice off times from work. i have made no artistic progress whatsoever. i am the blahgrahblah. although i felt extremely encouraged by my times with kate, lil josiah j, and eden b, this past sunday. i mostly want to have a little bit of a baby to tote around with me. step of the workforce track and start up this procreation station, but who the hell knows a good man? i don't think there are any. honestly. and i'm not worried about bashing the good ones who are already married. i think i missed my boat to sri lanka to pick homes out of the mud. or i must've missed the college or bust op to find that man of my dreams. i don't have the time too much. what with these two freakin jobs and all. i am glad i've got a second job, i don't about getting another paycheck from all uoha for awhile. the software isn't bringing us any money any time soon.

please send the furitive prayers this a way. i cannot be without a good paying job, because of a decision i made to have new software put in the office.