2.21.2006

blue leftovers


i've exhausted myself creatively. on one very heavy hand i've done all i can with 'one growth', on the other hand i am still completely displeased with this last weekends effort of major progress and finality of the piece itself. it wasn't satisfying to finish. i am confused and frustrated about why and have so much to do in such a little bit of time. really? i will try to be honest. i must comfort myself a little with reality. my difficult work is over. i just called ron at framewrights and he'll be able to do slides and frames for about eight pieces before march fourth. i am so thankful for their work and willingness. i slack when it comes to slides and framing, waiting until a show op arises. i took the self portrait after christmas mid-january. cropped the photo looks nicely balanced and ooo so emoblah (my projection).


'one growth' is partial seen, far right. although on a critic friend's advice i've removed the car in the left hand corner/sec and painted a bicycle. i suppose i began to think about the only real growth in the painting being the narcissis bulb in the center. the avocado seed far left never sprouted and (not seen) is a hard boiled egg. compositionally i'm pleased with the flow, color, and repetition. but to achieve the smoothness absolutely killed me. the painting consumed me in a way that i am not used to, leaving me a little blue and blurry.

i've got to clean up 'crimepays' and deliver my work tomorrow afternoon. i had a really nice weekend and shouldn't feel the way i do. i have begun the process of flushing the accumulation of things. beginning with the ole 45's pc-trashed and the wooden chair went to ac/lc, leaving ample room for my easel. dad and mom gave me their old pc and i am letting mb use the harddrive, we're hooking up comcast tomorrow and i'll begin the quest. kate-i tried printvista-no success or something? will try again. found a mac4 for 18hundred buckaroos via mb and wishing for a diggicam. i know that my fam and friends will want me to define my relationship with mb. aaron asked that i think about it and attempt to articulate it because i haven't. i've been refusing. i have a lifelong history of 'dating' none xtians. thus the pattern evolves. i would like to use my blog to explore my thoughts. i am inspired and called out to be more honest, just as i mention days after vday. i start and stop, start and stop. fear calls be back from rushing. i really i'm not afraid to say i do not know. i do not know. i know this...

i want to feel somewhat protected from carrying the burden alone. i want a friend to shop for a new computer with. i want someone who is honest and light, simple. not as analytical as myself. i mostly want to be thirty and not feel twelve. i want to have my work constructively criticised my a fellow artist, a peer. someone who likes the same sort of art i do see the mag's i mention in last week's no waste wednesday. i like eating at indian mahal and don't know anyone else who'd like to go there with me or even suggest we do that. i want someone to remind me everyday that smoking cigarettes is killing me and it not be my mom or my sisternlaws, no offense girls. i want to work hard for someone other than myself because i feel i won't be rewarded. i won't see the reflection of sharing. i want my strength to be balanced with specifically a man's strength-that physiological makeup of a man vs. woman thing. knowing that i am not with a believer mosdef bothers me. i will have to faceoff once again. it is too hard to trust that god will bring a xtian man into my life. i really haven't asked him to bless me in that way. i've just been floating, working, building up my own spiritual walk and relationship. i am not with mb at this point to change him or to be changed. that's where i am at right now with men in my life and what i am doing. i feel happy and less afraid. i feel solid and incontrol. i feel god. i still want his mercy and grace. i love god more than anything else in my life.

2 comments:

katiek said...

yo, can't say I'm not concerned for you and MB but I trust you more. As much as I respect MB as a person, artist and friend, Joel and I have always encouraged women to avoid "getting involved" with "unwell" guys. One of Amy's friends at CC was and it was stooopid. Just one more reason you should move to Santa Barbara with us!!

I will email you the picture of one growth. I cleaned it up for you, contrast and crop wise.

luv you cat, be encouraged and there's much to hope for.

dopeattic said...

thanks a ton my dearest friend. i totally feel like i should be out here on this stuff. santa barbara! geez! what the hell is my calling? thanks for the pic. and the bestest v card ever.