blue leftovers

i've exhausted myself creatively. on one very heavy hand i've done all i can with 'one growth', on the other hand i am still completely displeased with this last weekends effort of major progress and finality of the piece itself. it wasn't satisfying to finish. i am confused and frustrated about why and have so much to do in such a little bit of time. really? i will try to be honest. i must comfort myself a little with reality. my difficult work is over. i just called ron at framewrights and he'll be able to do slides and frames for about eight pieces before march fourth. i am so thankful for their work and willingness. i slack when it comes to slides and framing, waiting until a show op arises. i took the self portrait after christmas mid-january. cropped the photo looks nicely balanced and ooo so emoblah (my projection).


'one growth' is partial seen, far right. although on a critic friend's advice i've removed the car in the left hand corner/sec and painted a bicycle. i suppose i began to think about the only real growth in the painting being the narcissis bulb in the center. the avocado seed far left never sprouted and (not seen) is a hard boiled egg. compositionally i'm pleased with the flow, color, and repetition. but to achieve the smoothness absolutely killed me. the painting consumed me in a way that i am not used to, leaving me a little blue and blurry.

i've got to clean up 'crimepays' and deliver my work tomorrow afternoon. i had a really nice weekend and shouldn't feel the way i do. i have begun the process of flushing the accumulation of things. beginning with the ole 45's pc-trashed and the wooden chair went to ac/lc, leaving ample room for my easel. dad and mom gave me their old pc and i am letting mb use the harddrive, we're hooking up comcast tomorrow and i'll begin the quest. kate-i tried printvista-no success or something? will try again. found a mac4 for 18hundred buckaroos via mb and wishing for a diggicam. i know that my fam and friends will want me to define my relationship with mb. aaron asked that i think about it and attempt to articulate it because i haven't. i've been refusing. i have a lifelong history of 'dating' none xtians. thus the pattern evolves. i would like to use my blog to explore my thoughts. i am inspired and called out to be more honest, just as i mention days after vday. i start and stop, start and stop. fear calls be back from rushing. i really i'm not afraid to say i do not know. i do not know. i know this...

i want to feel somewhat protected from carrying the burden alone. i want a friend to shop for a new computer with. i want someone who is honest and light, simple. not as analytical as myself. i mostly want to be thirty and not feel twelve. i want to have my work constructively criticised my a fellow artist, a peer. someone who likes the same sort of art i do see the mag's i mention in last week's no waste wednesday. i like eating at indian mahal and don't know anyone else who'd like to go there with me or even suggest we do that. i want someone to remind me everyday that smoking cigarettes is killing me and it not be my mom or my sisternlaws, no offense girls. i want to work hard for someone other than myself because i feel i won't be rewarded. i won't see the reflection of sharing. i want my strength to be balanced with specifically a man's strength-that physiological makeup of a man vs. woman thing. knowing that i am not with a believer mosdef bothers me. i will have to faceoff once again. it is too hard to trust that god will bring a xtian man into my life. i really haven't asked him to bless me in that way. i've just been floating, working, building up my own spiritual walk and relationship. i am not with mb at this point to change him or to be changed. that's where i am at right now with men in my life and what i am doing. i feel happy and less afraid. i feel solid and incontrol. i feel god. i still want his mercy and grace. i love god more than anything else in my life.