snow deep

i am finally back from the north. a fine snow deep fell on thursday, which made me feel very happy and alive inside. i couldn't believe my eyes, considering we never see snow like six inches in the south. there was much packing to do and organizing on thursday. in the evening we went to the red lion diner. talk about a fargo feeling moment. a jersey life seems so different. there does not seem like a whole lot to do. farm after farm stretches across the state. i wasn't sure when we left one town and entered another. i spent a whole day with mommom and poppop at the masonic home. when they came and picked me up in the morning we went straight there and up to their tiny cozy little apartment. it is a wonderful, really gorgeous place. old and newly renovated. i walked with mommom the entire campus, meeting, seeing and observing the lives of people living there. so very encouraging to see that our elders are being taken care of. we had lunch together and dinner and inbetween the went through their room and gathered things for me to bring back with me. my mommom knitted a beautiful sweater and scarf for me, that i wore the rest of the trip. my mommom gave me her old (vintage) wedding cake topper. it must be from 1953. there were items from my great grandmother, and my great grandfather, frank's first wife adelaide. i am a lover of treasures and they have so many. i hope to pass things along to my brothers as well.

when at my nana's i found several sets of knitting needles, thousands of spools of thread, playing cards, a bag of very old (again very vintage) wrapping paper and gift tags, i found two locomotive fortyfives that were my grandfather's. i got my poppop's old harmonica, the list goes on and on. i supppose the reason i mention all of this is because i am amazed at the history. i am floored by what my grandparents have saved throughout the years. i believe they saved things not because of hoarding, but because things that people gave you or momentos actually meant something back then. i'd say nowadays, things don't mean that much and they shouldn't really all that much (as in treasures stored up on earth aren't going anywhere with us when we die) anyway. but at least they weren't bombarded with commercialism, materialism, and the greed that leads to overspending and major debt. but i appreciate my history and the northern aspect of my life.

i sent off two notes to l. braxton and elizabeth today. and i'm still working on the one for h. i'm going to try and not work (rx) as much this week. i feel i might wear myself out to quickly. i had a great time away and i know that my nine to five is about to get very hectic.

now that i've been away i have this driving desire to move away from chattanooga. i am not sure what my motivation is or where exactly i want to go. i have got to pay my parentals back, but at the rate i'm working it'll only be a four or five month process. i had such high hopes and expectation in moving to honolulu. it is still there in the background calling out my name. there's atlanta and new york. at this point it might be a good thing for me to move. i feel i'm the last one left in away. that i may be the last one on my island. i would like someone to offer up a plan. tell me what i should do or give me a sign, a pointer finger. i know that in many ways i'm attached here. obviously family and new city, but other than that i could leave the friendships behind. not that they aren't great, but i'm ready and feel prepared to branch out more. there's my art that might florish in another, larger city. i feel financially alright. the two job thing isn't killing me. it's the uoha job that i dislike and feel suffocated in. my art isn't killing me, it has been good to get more involved. but i do like the city and i do like the snow deep.

morning monster

how i dread getting into the shower, rushing off to work and barely getting there entirely. the morning monster is coffee and piddling about, watering the banana tree, shamrock, and prayer plant. the mm dangerously persuades me to craft and pick up the odds and ends left out from the night before. i want to work crosswords in the morning, nibble on pringles and valentine conversation hearts.

fragile

i have found a fragile, fearful side of myself come back. it left for some time while i was less alone and a bit more social. now that i am working twelve hours almost everyday i am definitely more tired, with thoughts of black hole living seeping out around my edges. last thursday i spent most of the day feeling like my work effort was in an absolute shambles. i found a few major billing mistakes i should have caught but did not know to look deeper. so i decided to leave work early on friday. saturday i worked out in the dallas bay area. thirty minutes away, but worth the extra hours. at the end of the night i accidentally dumped over an entire register drawer, change toppling everywhere. thankfully the pharmacist was nice enough to help me pick it all up and out of the garbage.

sunday i meant to go to church but had many other excuses. ironing clothes, h. project, coffee, c.o.(sunday morning), rainy, horrible, soggy day (much too much like today, except today is worse), and having not been at home all week long hardly. at noon i went to the parentals for dinner. smoore is in ireland for the week and so it was just the three of us. i had the aesthetics meeting sunday night. i hesitantly took my drawings, which everyone really enjoyed and valued. they liked the ideas i had worked into the plans, for me it was encouraging. you never know how people are going to respond. we have a very small budget and concluded that we'd do the cosmetic work (paint, carpet and cabinet/shelves), then work on furniture and decoration next quarter.

today i finally got a greenlight on the software from the doctors. we're having all new hardware and medical software installed/converted. good, great news, signing a new contract, discussing final details, lots of questions. timing and technology. so i've started to list my brainstorms.

tonight and tomorrow i work all day. then i'm off wednesday through sunday for new jersey. being in a car for fourteen hours should lend itself to catching up on reading, sleeping, snacking, journaling, writing letters and talking with mom, aunt, and nana. oh yikes. what have i gotten myself into?

the above photo is of a photo i took the first year i lived at the grand. it is actually the photo i used to do the four piece painting. it is dark but something about it reminds me of new life. with the avocado seed, narcissus bulb and egg.

and thanks everyone for the sweet cards. i'm working on sending out the piles to each of you very very soon.

landscape times one

as a fulfillment of a delayed promise or thought, here are vague photos of my very first sewing paper project-O. i didn't want to bog the entry down with too many photos that aren't that detailed to begin with. a smidgen of clue for you. oh and i am oh so happy to have accomplished such a challenge. the machine is so small that i really dreaded keeping such long pieces together. so i used clips and paperclips. i couldn't use straight pins because the paper is too thick to puncture. and the space between the needle and right side of the machine is so small that i couldn't sew large segments together. a very slow, tedious process, but extremely fulfilling and rewarding.

i tend to do lean against landscapes in much of my work. they are abstract and require a double vision from the audience. it is as if flying in a plane overlooking the earth from afar, seeing very distant, minute fields, building/structures, roads, cars, rivers, lakes and all sorts of things. the earth has been compared to a quilt, when looked at from above. and that is my idea as well. the other vision you must take on is that of a profile view of a landscape/cityscape. i've got the shades of green rising up to the blue. with the moon in the right hand corner. buildings(abstracted) rising out of the green. and then as i always do add that layer of pixelated-squares. this time it was silver electrical tape at the top, yellow drywall grid tape for the middle and red red red beautiful red ducktape for the lower segment. last but not least i've got a splatter of brighter paint. but i believe i took the last photo before the splatter. but i used silver and yellow and red paint. it adds a touch of blur that i like about seeing things through squinted eyes. almost like when the sun is too bright.












i will put out a few more photos later on, but for now i wanted to get this out to you. i think when doing collage it is really important not to use other people's work. i know how wonderful it is to go to a place like hobby lobby and sift through the scrapbooking paraphenilia, but it IS someone else idea. sometimes collage is just that though and if your goal is to portray someone else's work and manipulate it that's good, but it is been done already. i would challenge you to keep a flimsy little notebook around you at all times. it doesn't really have to be all that special of a book. i keep notebooks at my friends house all the time because sometimes i get in a draw-ering mood and have got to get a fix. one thing that all collage artists should take advantage of is KINKO'S. there is nothing wrong with taking bits and pieces of your doodling, scraps of found objects(which is different from scrapbooking materials), and 3 dimensional objects (e.g. buttons, matches, maps, paperclips, et cetera). you are responsible for being original and you have the ability to make your own scrapbooking sheets that are CHEAPER anyway. the other thing is that that color-copying that you have becomes a continual resource to add to future works. it's true. i keep rubbermaid bins for old wrapping paper and color copies, pipe cleaner, origami, and a whole bunch of other stuff. don't be afraid, seriously.

i'm outta here.

foul swoop

as i was taking the elevator up to the fifth this morning, i noticed the purple window washing company out in command on the glass. when i went out for a break just now i watched as three of them gently eased their way down to a flat area. at once the third, higher than the other two took a flying leap around a angled corner into the two below. took my breath away for just a moment. watching in awe as white foam flew out of white buckets. and a tangle of rope and purple, woven together on the side of the glass. in one enormous foul swoop the whole troop might have crumpled to the glass roof feet below. i am now left with a strange feeling. remembering b.k., last night's rerun episode of medium, and how fragile life really honestly is. i suppose it is wrong of me to draw similarity between a real life accident and that which is portrayed on real television. i tend to watch television to pick up snippets of knowledge, pointless, meandering knowledge of very small matters. science intrigues me to no end because there is fact about everything. one could wrap our lives around numbers. how many blinks, how many yawns, how many oreos around the earth, consumed by americans in a year. so on and so forth, a never ending wealth of who's who. what's what and why's why.

it is indeed exhausting. and i seriously doubt i am exaggerating. the problem might be, that i never finished college. but i doubt that too. i am more than curious about everything.

last night after work i came home and had the evening off. it was a normal day, just like any other except i got the cutest valentine from my littlest bestest friend in the world. josiah will most likely be like his momma and eden like her poppa. doesn't it work that way usually. i believe i am one hundred percent my father and one hundred percent my mother. that's how i explain my conflictedness. how could one person be an introvert/extrovert simultaneously? i worked on crossword puzzles in bed before drifting off to sleep. i didn't wake up until a text message on my cellphone woke me at eight. almost too late. so i popped out from under the cozy sheets and made sum+ kona blend kaffe'. chips and dips for dinner. and all my m.s.magazines for reference along with metro home. pumped out five drawings of the music room. not proportionate, but colored with pencil and everything. i don't think i finally got up to go to sleep until two a.m. oh well. i have a majorly bad habit of not sleeping correctly. starting from when i was in highschool, having mono, and almost missing senior vaca to panamocity (the way j. says it). i went on the trip, miserable the whole entire time, but that's highschool for you.

i want you to know that the i looked at the blogs up for the 2005 bloggie awards and i had no idea that i could nominate myself. egotistical i know, but hell there are bloggers out there using blogspot just as i am and up for a little publicity. many of the blogs don't even have photo content. how's that good. i've gotta have the visual support, anything to represent the phantomcrimes that'll blow your mind.

real is love

ah these last days weren't exactly a weekend. i spent the majority of my waking moments working at the ole rx. woohoo. i am thankful to have tonight off, but it is back to it, tuesday, wednesday, friday, and saturday. i am missing some great times, a couple of people have been disappointed by my inabilities to participate. i feel badly but really my priority is this second job. i am not working because i want to, i am doing it because i have to.

i did not even feel motivated to work on any fine project-O's. no music room drawings or "trades" for h. i've decided that tonight is project night. if nothing happens, if i'm not filled with motivation tonight i'm going to have to rush around mad, before the end of the week catches up with me. i've gotten plenty of ideas. i bought martha stewart's GOOD THINGS organizational mag along with another pulpy crossword mag. i also got some sorta cute buttons for ninety nine cents @ the rx yesterday. whooo knew i'd find a treasure chest of goodies? there is no lack of ideas, it's a keeping my eyes open thing.

on sunday morning with c.o. i saw cristo&jean-claude. their beautiful creation. i don't care to say so, but seeing the gates unfurled brought forth a swell amount of tearful joy. i appreciate what they've done there and i want so badly to mimic their maximum efforts and progress throughout the years. did you know, their bdays are both on april thirteenth? how hum...don't you think? her hair matches the color of the blowing sheets of saffron. i've always wanted to do something that would stop the traffic. stop the world. i had this crazy idea and mentioned it to my monamieta this afternoon...wouldn't it be nice to take a greyhound from new jersey to central park one day next week? i'd go there snap a few photos, drink a beer, say hello to matt, jerah, erin and benanna and then sierra nevada, off i go again. just a small day trip, nothing too extravagant, but my nana might need help. i am going to see my mommom and poppop, they might not know it yet, but i'm going to see where they live. i've never actually been there before. oohh brother.

gated community

yesterday morning i woke up in a cloud of white flurry. a snow poured and blew from the sky, leaving me feeling sad without accumulation. last night i had a nightmarish dream and awoke at 1.17am. yikzers. i remember it well as if it were really real. a small two seater glider plane flew into my building.



right into the first level, below my window looking out towards the north. the plane made no noise when it hit the building, as if the building opened a large mouth and swallowed it whole. i felt a small to medium vibration, but nothing that knocked me off my feet. there was no explosion or immediate fire, just a sucking sound as if the plane was imploding in on itself. no screaming, and a delayed fire alarm went off out in the hallway. i didn't feel panicked, but confused about what had just happened, so as i have done before, (in real life) i got my purse and cellphone and walked down the stairwell to the lobby and out the side door. the firemen and trucks seemed to get there simultaneously with the crash, so i never heard them come. not even one tiny siren sound. i could smell something burning and literally woke up when i did.

but i went back to sleep or drifted in that inbetween state and found myself going back up into my apartment to find the paint peeling off the walls, rust brown water marks, and a chemical burn smell.

what a strange dream. usually i only dream when i am napping during the afternoon or early evening. today it is beautiful outside and i've got to work tonight from 6-9pm. i might go out, but i'd like to stay at home and work on a few projects. i've got to get something off to h. i noticed her beeUtefful cards, loving the paper source. i also haven't forgotten about the music room drawings. but saturday i've got to work too. oh brother. i'm outta here for the weekend. back on monday.

private eye

there are a few things that i believe i need, but can do without for now. lately i've been watching the gray fungi take over my white shower curtain. certainately i'll find one at the rx. i'd like a very new piece of furniture for my television. i am also running out of book space. so there is much to look forward to. have any of you ever heard of a www based book trade? no buying, no selling, nothing but books flooding the postal service system. i might think about trading books with any number of you. i'll enjoy reading anything except for romantic pulp. hit me up if you're at all interested. i'd like a portable record player too. jas told me about a japanese yellow and orange portable player. oooo & aaaaa.


the world of materialism could quickly rub me out o' biznaz. don't get me wrong i am really happy with what i have. but i'd like to have a studio. i'd also like to know how to iron wax on canvas, before/after painting/collage. for hannah: in the past my friend fenn and i use to exchange collage pieces. all kinds of incredible pieces of paper to put back into our work. i also used to go to thrift stores and pick up old highlight's magazines or children's books. one thing i really want to do is work on a diorama. but h. if you find paper that you really like you should dip it in wax. old photos look cool after being dipped in wax too. and if you are still struggling to make good on collage, try working in one color. color themes are really nice, monochromatic collages. yum to tum.

yesterday i got paid and went to lupi's for dinner last night. phish was being played on the overhead. blahblahblah. i'm not a jamband fan. but i sure do like the badplus. and iron and wine was on last call with carson daly. i have dropped the photo collage for a minute. this weekend is project X. what about dj P.eye?

for what its worth

if i could pick the photo of the day. this would be it. i'm no critic or i'd take better photos myself. the rollers in her hair remind me of chinese handcuffs. i have made mention of this photographer before, so you've not gotten off without a sneak peek at his work.

i fail to mention the most important things. who wants to read my daily soapbox scratch n sniff. back in december, actually on my birthday, i received an eviction notice from chattanooga neighborhood enterprises inc. i knew the letter was coming and each day i literally asked for gods mercy, in the midst of my complete irresponsibility. there is definitely no financial crisis that is too big. to say the least, any self glorification of how this matter is resolving itself, would be a lie. i have mentioned my new rx employment and financial matter with the parentals, but honestly, until i was on track, relatively speaking, i had no desire to write about it all. i'd like to blame my depraved circumstances on someone or something other than myself, but hell, what would i be saying about myself. i'd rather fail and pick up the pieces than fail and say someone else made me do it in the first place. habits are created from conception it seems, but they are breakable and can be overpowered. granted i'll probably never be able to stop smoking as easily.

the point being that ever sense 12.23.04. i have felt a drastic force, a massive heart pounding in my chest. a mental strength, a spiritual and emotional conquering of all circumstances surrounding me at this time. a desire to fall apart and be about falling apart. no reaction to the fall, just submission to the fall. i imagine that a great battle is being fought and that the h.s. is melting the cold heartedness i will live, learn, and flourish through.

at the time i wasn't looking for a spiritual upheavel or high. nothing of the sort sounds pleasant to me. but after seeing how god provides for me in the midst of my sin i must not hesitate to say so.

for what it is worth i am going to be here. as much as i have felt like it, my life hasn't been turned upside down for nothing. and so what if my life stays upside down. my art may not be worth anything, my job performance might not be worth much, my thriving and failing relationships may not be worth much. it is kind of like the christo&jeanne-claude story this morning on the radio. critics say their art is worthless because of its hassle. the massive monstrosity of their work frustrates people. but if you listen you'll hear christo say that it is about the process. from beginning to end. how beautiful.



i read this book once that jonathan gave me called the process by brion gyson i'm not sure if it applies well to my point or that i even read it with comprehension but it is yet another suggestion.

the death of

feminism. "Feminism-what started out as a noble institution to give women the right to vote and participate in all facets of society has turned into a hate-mongering, man bashing (and as my last article proved, sometimes literally) egomaniacal, elitist institution that has done more to oppress women than that dreaded patriarchy could ever dream of. In fact, feminists are a male chauvinist’s dream-they do more to destroy women then they ever could! Of course, this is simply my opinion. Considering this site is called defendingtruth.org then most assuredly I should back up my opinion with some truth. Has there really been a decline in feminism or is that simply wishful thinking on my part."

how many other women out there find feminism to be less than what we want? feminism falls short of what we were created and put on this earth to do. it is exactly as Dena Leichnitz puts it in her article. i haven't found that many other females think about feminism, nor that they care. they are just as unaffected as the next person. the incalculable damage being caused by...feminism. yet there are these sorts of thoughts that i appreciate as well.

there is so much i want to share and reiterate so here goes:


"A British street artist known as Moose creates graffiti by cleaning dirt from sidewalks and tunnels -- sometimes for money when the images are used as advertising. But some authorities call it vandalism.

Moose, whose real name is Paul Curtis, tells NPR's Steve Inskeep that he got the idea when he saw that people had written their names with their fingers on dirty tunnel walls in his hometown of Leeds. Moose does some freehand drawing, but also uses the grid from wall tiles to create perfect shapes and letters.

The tools are simple: A shoe brush, water and elbow grease, he says."

i also wanted to show you this. have any of you heard of loopsuppa? these people and whatever they are doing, art/music. seems fairly inspiring to me.

and for now that is all i have to offer.

got poison

i am totally bad at this, maybe a blog flogger or blog-rex parasite. admittedly i have not been near a computer that can feed my flickr account with brand new photos. i'm limited technologically to the point where i'm sending, trading things out with fellow craftsters and wala...stealing their photos of my work, turning them out here. i feel it is a little backhanded or a stretch. i do love the buttons i sent up to hillary though. i really can't wait to see how she uses them.

this past weekend seems a blur. fine grained blur around the corners. friday turned into a whirlwind. after work i babysat which was nice. i was supposed to go out to dinner, but my friend got sick. instead bethy came over, exchanging hilarious stories over heiniken. saturday was my first day at cvs rx. all and all it went very well. nothing has changed about policy and procedure. i needed a four hour shift to reacquaint myself with o' regis-TAR.

saturday i was going to go to atlanta to visit with the k. family but i hadn't planned on working saturday and missing the party. i also didn't think about laundry and moolah for making the trip down. i also knew that i needed to be back on sunday before five p.m. all of this to say, my disappointment was great. i feel i must've missed a hearty k. fam get together. i know that right now in my life sacrifices are going to need to be made. i have been given a long rope with slack in it to work with but specifically my parentals are not going to be patient with me very much longer if i do not get a move on. in addition to working at the rx i maybe picking a shift up here and there at blueskies. i'll be waiting to hear from them though.

in regards to the aesthetics meeting, i've been asked to draw up two plans for the room. i've actually never done anything like draw up a design for renovation. but the room is in dire need of improvement. it is used for music people, music instruments, boxed music, copy machine, and pre-sermon pastors chamber. it is used for multiple functions and it is rather disgusting. i have two weeks to do a simple design idea. i don't have to worry about the budget or anything like that, but there has to be a focus before we go in and just start buying stuff and painting. it's interesting to find myself involved at new city. i am enjoying it. i'm looking forward to the challenges ahead. there's also opportunity for me to grow here. i was confronted last night with all of these thoughts about how believers are usually the first to admit their sin, but it's funny to see how the sin in each of us manifests itself.

last week was a horrible week for me at work. i concluded that it was the poison in me. the sin that corrupts even my best attempts. the attempts that seem selfless and purely motivated at first but turn without me knowing. i thought the conflict at work was good because it meant less emotion under the rug. it meant something productive might actually come from all the destructiveness. i also thought that if i wrote a letter to my coworker, apologizing and recognizing my sin, she'd forgive and forget. instead she misread/misinterpreted the letter and i was left crying for an hour. it's not enough to know about the poison, it is not enough to repent. sometimes the reaction of others towards you is with you all of the time. i have a difficult time dealing with shame. an insecurity about who knows what, about me, that sort of thing.

unfortunately i am going to miss the bible study this week, but there again a sacrifice must be made. i think if god wants me in a b.s. he'll provide a way.

there is much gratefulness to each of you who are of great encouragement and spiritual strength to me. there are few words to express my sincere delight in each comment and word you have brought forth. i am constantly blessed in this life. this forward motion.

archeology digs

last night was different than things have been lately. i wasn't up for very much and so i found myself frantic, when everything started down the unexpected road. i left work in a hurry to get home. i've been awaiting news, from 4bridges. sure enough it was in my mailbox. but with an unfortunate non-acceptance letter. honestly, a no BIG surprise. i didn't think i'd get in but i wanted to try and try anyway. i had been looking at the artists chosen in past years and i didn't feel my work fit in. the big picture has no space in it for collage like mine. i also know that my work isn't a unified body and it must be difficult to grasp. it's not like i have one idea and stick with it. there isn't one theme, one medium, one stroke, one hypothesis. my work is experimental and at times too bright and abstract. i don't know that people find real depth in my art and that's not because it isn't technically good or that i don't spend much of my time with a piece. i think it's because you won't beable to see layers of work in a slide. you won't get my artist statement fit into a thirty word descript. regardless the @ home exhibit is on. the evening might just be called 'at home with the artist.' who knows but look for details to come. i'll be working to frame pieces finished and getting plaques via jas. i'll have invites going out when i decide on a date when i'm not working.

i am working at cvs rx tomorrow for the first time in quite a few years. it should be interesting. i find the idea brilliant, no more free, uninspired time on my hands. have anyone of you noticed the nice broadcasting on pbs lately. especially the evenings. man, i don't feel guilty about watching any of it. there was a special on regarding ireland and tracing mankind there. under large hills they'd bury their dead. like this
what an amazing story. how can you not love the history of man. the ritual the practices all it. i'm amazed there are people who, today, bother to think about the past and have found things in their journeys and discoveries. i think i want to do everything. everything there is to do. sounds insane. i want to climb the largest mountains, walk and sail around the world, fly a jet plane and oh so much more. i don't feel urgency or even a extreme motivation, but the intrigue is definitely there. my friend came up with a new dj name for me. so far i've got, dj mini mart, dj for an hr, dj durta laundre', and now dj catskillz. i joke all the time about being able to spin out some intella-inde hiphop. i have seen some females that scratch em up though. amazing work.

i'm trying to think about what else is new news. i'll catch up later. outta here.

podcasting

have you heard? do you know? are you up to speed on this? podcasting just heard about it this afternoon while on my break. there is a bunch of it going on, so much for pirate radio.

well i had a fairly good weekend. last friday all hell broke loose at work, but i must say i stood my ground. so today i gave one of my coworkers a letter i wrote and i'm not receiving the silent treatment anymore.

on saturday the weather came me in and i worked on my card for hope. i sent it out yesterday and can't wait to hear what she thinks. big ups for ideas like hers. otherwise i'd still be with nervousness.org and bored. i also have a very special surprise heading up hillary's way. i have some insecurity about it all because hillary happens to be a softie seamstress and i am barely a paper seamstress. i can't much count on a straight sewing line on paper. although i favor the crooked line more. i'd really don't want to use too much glue, so while sewing i use paperclips which fasten my pieces together long enough for me to get them together. i don't have fancy stitching and i rarely sew backwards, but sewing on martha stewart ribbon and the sort has been overwhelmingly rewarding.

i finished my landscape project the night before last and last night i started my family tree photo quilt. i'm not as eager or optimistic this go around. it's was much harder deciding how to start. after all i really know nothing about the family pictured in the photos. but i did manage to pick through the organization and find a pattern. a very loose, raw sort that won't speak to the family ties that bind or anything like that, but oh well. maybe i'll forge another path with this project. and forget sewing leaves, the photopaper is way to fragile. i suppose i enjoy the white, brown and black tones of the photos more than anything right now.

i also am starting a part time job at cvs pharmacy on saturday. horray, oh my goodness i'm so excited. more moolah and financial peace. i sat down with my father on sunday to discuss and plan my financial future. it sounds ridiculous i know. i'm twenty nine and struggling habitually with my money. habits are difficult to break and though i have a good job and make plenty of money to support myself i am not able to do a few very important things. i also know that marriages with money issues easily fall apart, so it's better to face this now while i'm free of all that. i know there are millions of people out there much more responsible than i but it really doesn't matter to me. if you don't have car debt, you have school debt, if you don't have school debt you have credit card debt and if you don't have credit card debt you have wedding, children, home, or vacation debt. what is done is done, i must move forward. which i look forward in doing. so i'll be heading down to atlanta on saturday afternoon for j.j.k's second bday. all will work out and i feel much better than i have been for quite some time.