for what its worth

if i could pick the photo of the day. this would be it. i'm no critic or i'd take better photos myself. the rollers in her hair remind me of chinese handcuffs. i have made mention of this photographer before, so you've not gotten off without a sneak peek at his work.

i fail to mention the most important things. who wants to read my daily soapbox scratch n sniff. back in december, actually on my birthday, i received an eviction notice from chattanooga neighborhood enterprises inc. i knew the letter was coming and each day i literally asked for gods mercy, in the midst of my complete irresponsibility. there is definitely no financial crisis that is too big. to say the least, any self glorification of how this matter is resolving itself, would be a lie. i have mentioned my new rx employment and financial matter with the parentals, but honestly, until i was on track, relatively speaking, i had no desire to write about it all. i'd like to blame my depraved circumstances on someone or something other than myself, but hell, what would i be saying about myself. i'd rather fail and pick up the pieces than fail and say someone else made me do it in the first place. habits are created from conception it seems, but they are breakable and can be overpowered. granted i'll probably never be able to stop smoking as easily.

the point being that ever sense 12.23.04. i have felt a drastic force, a massive heart pounding in my chest. a mental strength, a spiritual and emotional conquering of all circumstances surrounding me at this time. a desire to fall apart and be about falling apart. no reaction to the fall, just submission to the fall. i imagine that a great battle is being fought and that the h.s. is melting the cold heartedness i will live, learn, and flourish through.

at the time i wasn't looking for a spiritual upheavel or high. nothing of the sort sounds pleasant to me. but after seeing how god provides for me in the midst of my sin i must not hesitate to say so.

for what it is worth i am going to be here. as much as i have felt like it, my life hasn't been turned upside down for nothing. and so what if my life stays upside down. my art may not be worth anything, my job performance might not be worth much, my thriving and failing relationships may not be worth much. it is kind of like the christo&jeanne-claude story this morning on the radio. critics say their art is worthless because of its hassle. the massive monstrosity of their work frustrates people. but if you listen you'll hear christo say that it is about the process. from beginning to end. how beautiful.



i read this book once that jonathan gave me called the process by brion gyson i'm not sure if it applies well to my point or that i even read it with comprehension but it is yet another suggestion.