on being swallowed

there is good news and then there is bad news, but all is relative. hitched, connected and tied together like a knot. i am torn at this point on knowing what to write. i have gotten to the point of wanting to write more than i believe that i should. i am trying to figure out what the purpose is here. on what it means to be swallowed up and egotistical. how much real life in the world of blog do we need? possibly i think too often and too much about things that are not worth it. this morning jason called me and that in itself is really fine. i do not quite know how to go about resolving or advising. i have my faith that guides me when i allow it or when i am obedient and willing to listen, but friendships and relating can be too difficult. i feel i ought to step away from the intensity of any relationship, because i am afraid that in my intensity i push those i love away from me. i also think that in relating i expect the other person to pick up and understand. from everything that i see about myself, my heart, it seems i have an intense way about me all of the time. is it due to pride, fear, and an all-knowing inpatience. how can pride, discernment, and knowledge apprehend me, forming me, molding me outside of what i believe in and desire? i do not think of myself as having a poor esteem or a warped view of my identity. but how can i not see things from a biased perspective, is it not about self preservation here?

i want to pretend like my life is most excellently drawn out. i believe in the path before me, even if i cannot see through the thick forest, thorns, and fog. i am angry because i feel i maybe getting the better of my self, i feel fooled by my self. the me in i is beautiful and ugly almost simultaneously. i have been calling it the simultaneous nature of being, for a while now, but it sounds so cliche'. is it the flaky artist in me or the over analytical pseudo intellectual that lies to the normal, average nerd about who i really am. i have felt that when at my worst the product would generally be at its best. is that a lie? i have thought that in my weakness, my suffocation, or oppression, the poor in spirit, meek and mild; that i was indeed at the top of my game. the sarcastic wit/humor, the dry caustic ways of a small chubby girl with napoleon complex, has been something to be proud of. it reminds me of all the things i dislike about unchanging, naughty, heartlessly cold people. i don't want to be someone everyone is afraid of. i don't want to isolate myself from me though. but i want my identity to reflect my faith and my desire to be a godly-holy girl.

i struggle with feeling desperate. i don't have any reason to feel that way. i am thankful, so very grateful. i refuse to underestimate redemption. doesn't everyone struggle with balance. if you have got a spouse and children aren't you always worried about losing yourself, sacrificing the musician, teacher, artist, professional career, moolah making martyr. i on the other hand wonder if i'll ever be married or have children or what exactly is the path i must follow. what exactly is my future? does society put too much emphasis on these things? for sure, without a doubt.

like i have said the meantime is the future for me right now. it is being an artist, being a daughter, sister, friend, coworker and crafty. thank god i have more to learn from, than an example like martha stewart. i appreciate what she does but if celebrities don't piss me off, i don't know what does.

in other news...i am sending hannah's package her way today. i have to say again that her letter was most nice. if you are all interested you should check out the snailmail group. i mention it because as technology forces us in many ways to depersonalize, speed life up to the point where everyone and everything is a blur. technology is also a gift that allows us to revert and repersonalize. i am beginning to dislike the thought of blogging an unoriginal blog, but at the same time i look forward to getting to know, and being known on a more intimate level with people from all over the world.