a slave to myself

by the evening of each day i am really very worn out. i have usually forgotten all truth and feel a depleted reservoir. how is it that every day i tend to forget the truth? by the time i realize it the day is over and i am sitting in my apartment. a recollection of all the lies i have told myself all day long. what? to keep a reputation afloat. a constant state of fearful pride. a selfish desire to always be right. the pain of loss, the pain of brokeness and sin. i recently got this and have not stopped listening to his 'stubbs' album. the fifth track talks about, when your cup is overflowing and you cannot stay afloat ask god for mercy and he'll throw you a rope. i have actually never interpruted the 'cup overflowing' ideal exactly that way. but i see something different now. as a believer my cup is always overflowing right? and i pretty much need god all of the time, right? so even when things are good, even when things are bad (the overflowing cup) i still need god, i've still got to ask for help. i've still got to remember that he is the essense of my being-living in me. i seem to forget that he is my best friend, mother, father, brother, loverman or whatever. yuck!

on the other side of the coin: i have still only finished one postcard for the new years thing. will be taking it to print very very soon. i am totally excited about recieving on this go around. i also have just entered a joyous swap in which we will will be trading a gorgeous aray of cards. cannot wait. i miss my journal down at kate's and probably should send her money so she can ship it to me from the atl-marietta area. mos def not too expensive. i have several things i want to get out to the mailbox and still have not finished small parts. i need an extra boost of energy to zap me and give me the motivation i need to complete this little parts. i feel i am too often caught in a web of my own thought. no one else can really touch these places and so it is very difficult to actually then become accountable. writing is good for me. completing thought and calling out, you know?

before i mentioned that there were a few thoughts on my mind: regarding raising boys in a fatherlessness nation. check out the media. the theme is all over the place. i'd say the most encouraging and truthful resource is a two hour film raising cain. a truth that cannot, no matter what, be ignored. especially if you are raising boys yourself. it is a beautiful, quite relieving bit of information-education, you might not otherwise be aware of.

Research confirms that genetically baby boys and girls exhibit more
similarities than differences. Contrary to common stereotypes, experiments show
that baby boys are emotionally more vulnerable than girls. At Harvard University
Medical School, Thompson follows an experiment that shows how infant boys and
girls deal with the absence of a mother's attention. While the girls remain calm
and find ways to occupy themselves, the boys become upset. But from a young age,
boys are directed to deny their feelings and emotional responses. They are
encouraged to exhibit aggression and toughness as signs of manliness; feelings
of vulnerability and fear are discouraged. Authority figures then react simply
to the physical and aggressive behavior they see rather than boys' true
feelings. Problems intensify as boys enter the public school system.

so that's it. just a way for me to get back into the blog flow. food for thought.