letting him

well all in all i succeeded in putting together a nice display for my cards. i ended up exploring the whole eyelet thing, which i am not so sure i like quite yet. the reason being that it screws up the cards a little. just a little, no one will notice. but my stampin' up pal and coworker, georja said i might have gotten a defective eyelet kit/punch. so i'll be bringing it into work on monday for her to check out. i did take a few photos of my display. i happened across a cigar store in cartersville back in october and bought a whole lot of boxes. if anyone wants one or two, let me know. so i'm going to collage a small one up and use the yellow plasticicky divider thingy (for cigars) to separate my cards. look fairly nifty.

i really am hoping that this opportunity at mojo pans out financially. i think i could move on creatively if i could actually get rid of some of the old stuff. i think that is why i have given so much away in the past. the prices this go around should be fairly reasonable. between $30-$300 dollars. mojo dude, tim is damn cool, he won't be taking a percentage. pray pray pray.

i have been feeling insecure lately, feeling blah. trying not to smoke as much, so instead of the brand cigarettes, keeping it simple with basics, i have moved back or on to rolling. i indeed smoke less in a day, around 6 or so. and very rarely finish a whole cigarette. it is so mentally challenging that i feel i might burst. shout angry words. spit and tear out my hair. i realized that so much of my identity is wrapped up in smoking. when people first meet me, they are typically shocked to find out that i am a smoker, they say, "you don't look like a smoker." that's bizarrio, i mean what does a smoker look like? but i have truly enjoyed the smoke for close to ten years that giving them up feels terrible. i have also been struggling with going completely vegetarian slash vegan. i feel like if i go completely vegan than i'll cut off the entire world. places like tony's pasta, ice cream, et cetera. i want to make these changes in my life and i have really been finding joy in it all when it comes to the smallest things, but the big things are still catching me in their nets, between their teeth. i have not particular reason for quitting meat or animal biproducts, except the hormone thing, and hell as i told my mom, "i wouldn't eat her, so why eat another once living thing." i am becoming more sensitive to what i put in my body and really it has nothing to do with faith or whatnot.

i am down to 142 pounds. i'm on track with the 2 and 1/2 pounds weekly. i think. i've got another twenty five to lose. i really want to see this happen for myself, not for the moolah or for the fame. just to continue to feel better about myself.

i have been struggling with other things too, but i know what god desires of me, my heart and mind. i really want to be happy with things. i want these new items, like the camera, but it takes working two jobs to get some of these things that i've always wanted, since way before my housefire. i also think that having a new computer, a new camera and such will help in my artisitic endeavors. i wonder if i am just working so much that i don't have the time to find happiness. i mean i knew these weeks of 58-60 hours would be difficult, but physicologically i must rely more heavily on support. i must say again how i am looking forward to the weekend. hope to have many new pics when i get back or i'll post before it is all over.

pic above was another taken at the choochoo with canon SD450. love it even more today. please remind me of the hope, the love, the joy o god.