off the top

go kodak! discount prices! where have those days gone? sunday was one of those days, a day that goes down in the books as being one of the best. a delightful moment of discovery, the split second illumination and exposure. when you're surprized by the boldness, openess, and definition of a unity.

i wasn't gone so long on purpose, i hadn't planned a long hiatus, nor blogging break. there are indeed a thousand and one excuses, good and bad. the calm is more like wordless stretches of time. the stress break from work is now, but i'm focusing more on the insurance job. september will be five years. the longest i've ever been at one place before. i might be better off just listing off my thoughts in a not so chronological manner, stream of conscience. i sent off the first of three packages today. my vintage love swap, though late in it's departure is next. so hold on sweet agnes. i have one for hannah too, if you're reading...

i have been thinking a whole lot about my mother and father, my little sister emoore and of my part. parenting must be difficult and exhausting, exhilirating and blah de blah, joyful and saddening, all or nothing. part of me has been feeling all of that for my mom and dad lately. i know there is pain, i know there is learning and growing to do and repentence and all of that fine stuff, but what is my part? don't you often feel like you'd want to just be perfect, so that you could take other's struggles away for them. don't you wish you could die for someone, just so they'd get it? oh hell i'm not perfect, my head is full of evil thoughts 99 percent of the time and i'll resist repentence until all of my homegrown strength is depleted. and really what it all comes down to is whether or not i feel ready to have my own children. of course i'm not in a marital position to do so, but that won't stop me. i have been devoting sometime to the ole www search and destroy-foster parenting. i am wondering, really wondering. having said before i turned thirty that if i weren't married by thirty i'd seriously begin to look into fostering/adoption. i'm thirty and all i've done since january 06 has been to: diet, exercise, take vitamins, have an artshow @ mjb, work the 60 hours, and think about myself. i'm not bored and i'm not sad, i don't know about marriage and i don't know about childbirth but i know children like i know...i mean my heart is just pulling me. of course there is no rush. and of course i've got to think think think, pray pray pray.

gosh there is my art my art um and the lack there of. the fact that creativity comes in spurts, sputters, and squeezes. sounds like a GI issue? yuke! i did a personalized stamp that i've used to stamp my cards, they're ready to sell. um but no one is interested...what's holding me back from the blueskies avenue? anyone wager a guess. and the times in atl with dear sweet aj, was as i said in the first paragraph, more than that. it's like opening a door and not being able to shut it or keep all that is on the otherside inside. a bubbling aftermath of thought and how might i becoming swampy? anyway i do have much joy to look at and for. postcard swap to come with ns. and maybe one day i'll get a vintage package...we shall see, but all of this doesn't matter until the joy is found in me first and to be thankful is to be content. it's coming, i'll be there, it's on the tip of my tongue, or just around the corner.

anyway, apology for being out.