from where i sit as a dweller

last evening i was invited and attended the very first tenant association meeting for the residence of the building i live in. this month has been filled with several different apartment life duty's, including my apartment inspection, my recertification and now this, a meeting. i passed the inspection, i was recertified, and the meeting was well, interesting. evidentally cne (chattanooga neighborhood enterprise) is trying to consolidate some of their properties and management has changed inorder to collect. with all of the southside developement the area of downtown is changing rapidly and cne needs help holding on to the grand. it has a realm of potential but myself and other residents have got to take action, become one voice, one responsible living association. i have lived at the grand for five years and have had very few problems. i could tell that things were falling apart, until a couple of months ago when cosmetic renovations began to occur. the building seems to have grown in both security and tenancy, so i think i'll stay and feel good about it too.

i find my comfort in this large enough apartment. i have a ton of cabinet, counter and floor space. i myself am due for more of that sparsing down though, but have gotten really good feedback from the new management and from my fellow dwellers, that my apt is one of the nicer ones... my neighbors are kind and friendly and the bustling amounts of activity give me a feeling of well pleasant anxiety-thrill. come to think of it i haven't called the police in quite some time and i haven't observed or heard any major disturbances lately.

in the evenings when i'm not working i like to heat up some coffee and make a fresh pot of popcorn. i work on my paintings and collect ideas from fashion magazines, like delia's and urban outfitters (dorkiness). i like being at home, i feel fortunate and really apart of the cities population that cares. it's funny how much i felt like i was back at a dismas house meeting last night, back in the seat of a minority, back in the seat of a little white girl, attempting to figure out her place. times change quickly i often will think and over analyze my life to the point of self destruction, i feel that i might really be missing out on something big. but those feelings aren't true when you look around at my apartment. the truth is i am thriving, i am resting, i am working, i am living. my apartment is proof of my priorities, my place, my refuge. i dream of home owning and husband, and maybe children, i dream of publishing a book of my own art, i dream of parties and nieces and nephews, i dream of a faith that isn't as cowardly as i have become over the last couple of months. i dream of financial peace and in all these things i am challenged and might come back to anger to save me, but it won't, it can't.

i find myself always making "happy", "bright" art-paintings, collage, and doodles. it's funny because i'd define my personality in a fairly dark way, not so trendy to be dark anymore is it? i may go to the pallette and canvas in tears, but there's never a dark self portrait or a dark underlying tone. my hope is that i never stop, i'm always pushed and that i'm not seperated from my maker because of self pity or absorption. taking a real look around me, reminds me that i am apart and that i have nothing to fear. and i too may join my friend kate to fast once a week in an effort regain the practice of devotion, to letting go of frivilous obsessions, and faithless actions. that's alot for today.