search off

i officially have put in my notice at the rx. unfortunately i'll be stretching things out there through the rest of june. i was ready to just end it and i am still ready to just end it but, i am not so good at saying no. i am trying to convince myself that it won't be all that bad and that i will be thankful for a couple more weeks worth of baby paychecks, like pocket change, making good on gas and cigs. maybe two of the most important non necessities of life. i will walk away from the rx with an open door, the offer to come back whenever i want, so come christmas, i may but, i seriously doubt.

after all it comes down to my own personal search off. in search of real moments and uninterrupted thoughts. searching for time, time to be really alone, time to make a piece of art slowly rather than frantically. i am over waiting. i am ready to dig into this summer, even though it looks more like it won't start for me until july. i am seeking a few more days, just enough, to finish what is the what to begin the chosen. i am looking for strawberries and a brand new bicycle. i imagine a couple of hours of zero responsibility and maybe a moment or two to make my favorite indian dish. i need a good night time walk, a conversation with the trees and grass, and cracks in the sidewalk. i would like to find new sheets and sleep past six twenty a.m. and i'd like to give away more stuff and paint my magazine rack matte black.

i'd like to know just a little bit more. and i'm curious about alot. it all seems to hinge on quitting and finding a little pencil topper...above, see? the little slitted sphere spins, go figure, what's it for? it came on top of a fifty year old pencil that was in a bunch tied up with a rotten rubberband given to me by my mommom and poppop. is it plainly decorative or in someway for someuse? any of you know, take a guess...leave a comment, send me your mailing address and i'll send you a stack of my paper quilt cards. 4free4real. my email is catcollier@hotmail.com now you got it? maybe help me, feed my need to detective here. go to search out some zzz's. outtahere.