blessed to be a witness

potholder hint

i just could not do it all this weekend. i had great aspirations but in the end out of town family time became the priority. more of good fridays would be nice. i spent mine wrapping spring presents, catching up on my snailmail, and putting away the craft mumbojumbo. i started out at the grand with so little and now i find my once very bare cabinets filling to the brim. partially because i am now accumulating my grandparentals things and few of my parentals things. i also must must must find a new way of organizing my growing paper supply. i have wanted a filing cabinet for at least three years now but have not felt the force of paper behind my eyes until now. i know i might beable to find a free one on the yahoo local giveaway, but i have nearly forgotten how to get there and now at work it is not a good time to parade my need.

ooo and there was a three hour drowning training tour at the rx. i had absolutely no clue the cds would take that long to get thru. what a blah afternoon friday was. i thought i would have been out of there in an hour. and i'm just part time. i'm not fired up about becoming a manager down the road. but i feel like they've got to prep me for the round robin. at least i got another three hours paid training. better than nuttin.

saturday was most of the same, but the weather turned it's hand, no more of that poker face from mother nature. but i worked. gosh what i am thinking? wait, i know what i'm thinking. i have no choice. unless you know of an idea. we are a society of game show millionaires. i'd like to try my hand at inventing a crossword/scrabble game show. wouldn't that be nice. i tend to think of myself as a genius, but i know that i am not. i think it is a collier thing. for instance, my brother wants to start a second business in addition to the construction one he's got. he needs investors though. unga-bunga, not my cup o beer. i like turbo dog. then there's my monamieta who moves her mom down from the nj state, while going to school and applying for a new job. i don't know if these are real examples of genius, but i know that there is a "i can do anything i want" attitude that permiates the collier minds. yikes, what have i gotten myself into? a question i seem to ask fairly often.

except on saturday evening my cousin from the great north east came down. i thought to extend and invite and she decided to stay with me. we made coffee, a dump cake, sat out on the window ledge in the pouring down rain and spoke until four am. we've never been especially close considering the eight hundred or so miles between, but we happen to be very similar despite the thirteen year age gap.

sunday...there isn't a fulfilling way of expressing myself. the vocabulary void is there to save me from having to explain my feelings about sunday. mostly regarding my faith that often seems too deep within me that it is difficult to try and express much here. i'm not here to save or sacrifice, often my blog is a self centered exploration. i was exhausted from the night before, but i felt an incredible something and that's as far as i can go. sunday afternoon at the parentals was just the warmth and coziness i needed. yum food. homemade thumbprint cookies, an apple coleslaw, and hashbrowns. too much for my shrinking tummy, 'per the biggest loser work contest.'

then it was all over town with ashleigh.

nite time at eleven and a sad monday morning bug.

seven straight

monday morning madness approached me without warning. i was kinda pissed off for a couple hours. now all seems to have quieted and i can post to my hearts content until this afternoon's maddening rushabaloo. i suppose working seven days and now eight straight does not help the mental and emotional capacity. i wish for a nice long nap this afternoon.

my goodness, can you see how adorable this carrysmall is from h. i could not believe it when i opened the box about a month ago. i absolutely love the fabric, which reminds me of the painting in ferris beular's in the chicago museum. i am so bad about remembering the artist and the name of the painting. i'm sure that my friend kate the art historian would know which painting i am thinking of. i had no idea what a pleasure such a small carrysmall would be for me to have. i would love to learn how to make them, if and only if i had the right sort of fabric. i just have not done any sewing lately, due to the new project of making my own versions of quilts, per potholders. i have made a total of four so far, and i've got so much more nylon to go.

i also bought those two balls of yarn a couple weeks ago and with a crocheting hook i am improvising a stitch. but i have no earthly idea how to connect a finished piece with another finished piece. i won't begin knitting until i get my needles from new jersey over easter vaca.

check this stuff out




they are starting a stitch n bitch here around the corner. i am interested but have very little time to enjoy such pleasure right now. i must support the local yarn shop though. if you are up for trade of any sort i'll be happy to look for a specific yarn for you. i also wanted to give a sneak peak of the mini "quilt" pot holders. some of you may see these again via the mail, but they should look a little bit different by the time you get them. i've got a small plan to add the perfect touch. cannot wait to have the next two evenings off from the rx. i have got plenty of things to do.

a. ava member show: progress (progress is the theme: i don't really like all of what the city is doing on the northside, but the hunter art museum addition is absolutely great, quite modern and eagle like in architecture.
b. laundry: 2 loads
c. napping
d. easter/spring package completion
e. finish potholders
f. get photos from new jersey and mural developed
g. finish mural
h. go grocery shopping

and moocho more.

7 hours

i am fortunate to have access to the www tonight. i decided to stop by the parentals for a bit to get some new photos up. about two weeks ago hannah sent me the two books and the carrysmall. i mentioned the wonderful treasures, but felt my photos did not do the carrysmall much justice. i have been carrying it and have gotten amazing compliments. i have not started reading the books, because i am still in the middle of the secret friend. i have got quite a few books on my list. aaron and laurie bought me the davinci code for xmas and i still have not had a chance to pick it up, but i have heard that tom hanks will be starring in the film at some point. i have had a long weekend. i worked on the mural from nine am to two pm on saturday. i am finally finished. i took photos with my thrityfive mm. no digital. i also worked the rx saturday four until nine. then today from noon until seven.

my plans to go to atlanta for the weekend after easter are now concrete. i refuse to work another double day weekend. seven days a week is a bit exhausting. i will probably be back tomorrow afternoon. especially if uoha is not too chaotic. mostly peace goes out to you for the last hours of the weekend time.

spring forward hurry

come on spring, lets get a move on here. i am absolutely tired of this drizzle, sleet, windy, weather. i did not think i would feel this way about the winter of two thousand of five. i usually love the frigid temperatures, but not when it is totally disgusting outside. it is especially a struggle when i have got to work @ rx, thirty miles away. blasted nastiness. oh well there is absolutely nothing i can do about, except for one thing. i am going to take off early here and head for the bed. tonight is another night at the dallas bay rx, so even though it is only for three hours it take a total of an hour to get there and back.

today the drug reps have brought us panera. umm, can't tell if the sierra turkey was worth it or not, sure do like the crunchy chips though. i went to hobby lobby the other night and spent a bundle on spring crafts. i cannot wait to get finished with it all. i was so happy because i finally got an alphabet stamp set, fiskars with flare edge capabilities, pearl origami paper (hint:for paper birds & flowers), i bought some magnets, because i am inspired when i look at kate and not martha's homegrown magnests. mine are a bit different, no paper involved, but just a little something i picked up at my favorite high scale thrift store biglots. i'm hoping to have the tiny things sent out before easter, but we shall see.

i got a lovely package via my mom and susan green from fenn in lakeland. i'll have to take photos and post away. my priority is to show you all the carrysmall that hannah made for me. the truth is i am embarassed by my photo quality here, but hell, it is better than nothing. fenn sent up a shoebox of assorted items. a kimono change purse, a stuff bird(beanie) named early, a platform mag, silly putty and much much more. she's been working really hard on promoting herself, tumbleweed. she is making her own cards now too, which is nice. they are collage, but much more organic in color and style. i love them, especially the ones with paper i recognize.

i finally got up the stomach to show you my criminal photo. post falling out of bed. i also know that i've posted a bicycle photo like this one before, but i cannot help it. i love the blurred out color, line and positive negative space thing going on. i'm really excited about the things i hear alot of you are working on. for instance, kate and her vessel painting just seems to have metamorphed, hannah is sewing the most beautiful baby blankets and she's just about to start collage. i cannot wait. by the way thank you both for your cards. i'll be following up very soon. as always i'm inspired by hillary and her wee productions. and i now know exactly what i want to mix when i do the dj debut thing. that is when i get some records, turntables, and an audience. yikes what am i thinking? i've got to get myself through these next few weeks without collapsing. but i was fortunate to have this experience of experimentation with beta on tables. horray!

there are great things in life, aren't there?

courting commitment

'so we shall let the reader answer this question for himself, who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived, or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed.'
.hunter s. thompson; aged 17

my friend kate wrote me an email this morning, i also found her entry. i felt like i was reading my mind. i have often felt there were small bits of human redemption on televisions reality. as ridiculous as it may sound i find many things on television worth my thought and effort to understand. it is my world is it not? i do find that in small corners a testimony to something larger is there. often the television is misguided, exaggerative, exploitive, and judgemental of faith based organization, faith based news stories, and down right miraculous events. it isn't everyday that a man like brian nichols is persuaded by a woman to give it up. we don't hear about the sheltering of others, the feeding of eachothers hearts and minds. we don't hear about people courting commitment to one another. where is the selflessness? i suppose the media broadcast simplifies issues for those of us less knowledgeable, but i find it difficult to see the purpose of saying anything at all if you are going to just manipulate the truth. typically, in the two stories kate mentioned i'd find an often lost sense of truth. a denial of truth. but this woman was not afraid of speaking of her experience and faith. kate included in her email to me that two of her friends are getting the papers for divorce. they have a young boy and are so damned self centered, blinded and hurt by each other they've forgotten what it means to live life. kate has spoken of her anger, i feel angry for her. i too see the brokeness of our families and wonder if that is to blame for the condition we are now in as a country.

i believe it is interesting that in youth hunter s. thompson wrote the quote above. when at the time of his death he was alone. how our minds masterfully betray us into thinking that the choices we make while young will have no future consequence. the thought is that if i stay where i am at, 'it will feel bad.' but my security or rather my happiness does not come from where i am at, but from the vision i have of myself in the place where i am at. what i think h.s.t missed in his thought here was that neither man is happy unless he has an eternal hope or vision for where he's at, no matter what, the commitment in life should be to finding redemption (love through faith) in what we have been given/chosen. not in what we can gratify ourselves with.

i find it discouraging to see that peers are falling apart because they aren't committed enough to seeking accountability for their behavior and actions. i know that this is an everything place. this blog takes on many facets but when i think of creating, i also thinking of speaking about what drives or thrusts me forward in being an artist. i find that as an artist i may view life very differently than many. even my mother and father and not because they aren't the same as i, but because i have often felt like a sponge. i feel i am constantly absorbing all sorts of things. my things, my issues, other people's things and issues. sadness, great enormous joy, loss, gain, inspiration, the desert, a promised feast. as an artist i've been absorbing these things all of my life, i am not a victim of the circumstantial music, i don't want to be afraid of my insecurities. i enjoy a personal confrontation, but what i create is a manifestation of all that i abosrb. sometimes i walk the fence and i'm lukewarm, but how can you live a life and never see how you are first being affected and that your reaction will affect someone inturn?

they're quakin, they're shakin

i have been starving all morning. this week has been fairly hectic at work and within the rest of this cat-life. i have been training someone new in the office, so keeping up with my j.o.b. has been a bit of a wild challenge. i've been trying to be very thourough with my training, because i don't know how much help i'm going to be once we get new hardware/software. we will all be learning then. i'm expecting that a few people will have moocho difficulty keeping up to speed and there will be overtime involved too.

the rx is keeping me on my toes too. working monday night, wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday. i am loving it though. i have begun to feel the exhaustion set in, but i'm not anywhere near giving up. as my plans develop for big, huge change the more i become motivated to work hard. i'd really like to take a day off, this coming week but at the same time i want to build that vacation time up.

i suppose i expect too much from my life at times. i expect that i should always have something filling up my time and when a day or week goes by without a busyness surrounding me i begin to feel a little glummy around the edges. but this week has not been the case. speed, rush, a jettison sort of movement.

i feel my body rising to the occasion. i don't feel as chubby or tired, like a void of energy. although the art time has been limited i think i can get in a few good hours saturday morning before work at one. i have been getting alot of your letters and postcards. and even though they aren't specifically encouraging to my situation, just news from around the world. they are so nice and considerate. i got a postcard from the virgin island that made me think of honolulu. i cannot believe places like hawaii and the v.i. are actual places where people inhabit. i think jason spends half his time in traffic over there in the HI state though. and it costs so much you'd have to work your tail off. i think that's why people find so much comfort in chattanooga. that's exactly one of the reason i am looking for a change. i may have had a financial set back but all i needed was some financial accountability and a hearty talking to, to shake me from my poor ass, debilitated circumstance. i am working on putting together an easter project for all my snailmail acquaintances. but i'll be keeping it on the down low until i've got the majority completed. i also am going to attempt another art show/exhibit around april. the association for visual artists has two all member shows a year. i suppose the first is progress. the theme being that of our little growing city. especially over there on the northside riverfront area. i'd like to do a sewing paper project but i'm thinking about how to show real movement and direction. i wish that i could work more three dimensionally sometimes.

i also want to start taking photos of playgrounds at night. is anyone else interested?

have you noticed all of the amazing music lately. bright eyes has two new albums out. they are both worth checking out. also andrew byrd has the mysterious production of eggs out on ani difranco's label righteous babe records which does not press vinyl by the way (per chris g.). i have also been hearing alot from the local band the features who just signed on with some record label, not sure which one. i bought a modest mouse cd but haven't been as impressed. i think i bought it because of the blue and orange cover art. i liked my interpol cd better. but you know what stays in my cd player the most. the 45's mix "never shall i slumber." if you are heavy into reggae it is most definitely worth you hitting him up for a copy. i have found that the music is really uplifting, reminding me more of the early days before my music choices became so angsty and tired. "let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be accepted in thy sight ooooohhhh lord" stuff like that makes a prayer seem like a simple conversation with someone sitting across from me having coffee and a cigarette.

i'll be away for the weekend so i hope you all have a good one.

publishers prize patrol

one day while i was in new jersey a couple of weeks ago, while at nana ann's house the postman came to drop off the mail. my aunt cathy was outside packing the mini.van and noticed the mailman unloading a large box. my aunt refused the delivery, with my nana's departure in mind. the little man said that all the people living in this leisuretown community, bought mad amounts of publisher's clearinghouse paraphernalia, in order to "win the millions." my nana had all sorts of things in boxes from the P.C.H. most unopened boxes of books, but just lying around in uselessness. on saturday evening while at the hotel nana said that she need to call her son robert to let him know that he needed to be at her home the next day so that if the publisher's prize patrol came, someone would be there to collect "the millions."



i think that my little nana has been pulled in, she's bought the lies, and believes she's going to win. now she's happier playing bingo, bathing in the egg shaped spa and thinking about all of her dolls that are coming down. she knows that she's younger than most of the people living in assistance, but it is only because in three years her decline has been obvious in more ways than one.

on the other hand my mommom and poppop are thriving, challenged, serving, and preserving. they are both so creative, i have begun to think it came from them. i have a feeling that mommom is back on the www, because i got a few emails from her yesterday. i also got an e. from h. and she got my package. i'll try and find directions to my boxes now. check with me tomorrow i'm having a hard time getting my service/computer to work properly. sorry.

polar opposites

(i deleted these images from my workforce pc, thought you all had seen them by now, they weren't good photos anyhow)

wow the weekend flew by too quickly. i barely had a chance to breath, between working, visiting a little with chris g. & betafish, laundry, church&nursery, and family day @ the parentals with nana ann.

work went well enough, except on saturday everything went awry. i opened the rx without a pharmacist, then when he did get there he had no keys to get in to the rx, then the alarm went off. i could not reach the manager because he had his phone of the hook. all in all the morning was not as bad as it has gotten here at uoha at times. i did not work sunday, but instead had nursery @ church and then went to the parentals for dinner with nana. i had not seen my brother aaron and sister n law in forever. talk about a most hilarious time. we looked through a bunch of photos. we asked nana about what our mother was like when she was a child and aaron kept dropping these one liners that sent mom into a red-faced laughing tisy. gosh, it's good to be with my brothers. i eventually left at five, to go home and take a nap. when i woke up i felt sick and headachy. spent the evening doing laundry.

i have not spent any time looking for flight to new york, nor have i established a specific time to go to atlanta.

i'm thinking of participating in month of softies per loobylu. i believe it is a really nice theme to work with and i have noticed that even though some people don't sew they are still submitting something. but i may sew something in paper, or stuff something in paper. i really ought to finish my familytree project, but i'd like my submission to m.o.s. more specific to me. on friday i bought two balls of wonderful yarn. a shop around the corner from where i live opened about a month or so ago and the temptation got the better of me. i went in to find cubies full of all kinds of fine yarn. i had no earthly idea there'd be so much quality selection. i got one ball of mixed fiber, wool and i believe acrylic. the other is 100% wool, but i forget from where and what brand. my uncle is coming down this month over easter and should be bringing my knitting needles. how awesome would it be to do knitting and collage in one piece?

right now i've got some crazy things i'd like to send out or actually just get rid of. i have some of those vintage xmas candles, the dorky ones. i actually sent one off to hannah, but i've got about 5 more. there's an asian looking santa claus. his eyes were painted at a slippery angle. there's a red very faded tree that now looks like a peachy pink tree. yuck. is anyone interested? i'll attempt to take a photo or two to post. i'll have to look through all my "junk" again, but for now if anyone wants them, they're free, with or without a comparable trade. oh well you all may just find them in your packages as a trade comes up.

the photos is from new jersey, a corner of leisuretown, southhampton way. the snow grew quite deeper than this but i took most of my photos with my manual. i like the negative and the play on words. polar(snowy, frigid temps)oppposites. howya like me now?

on being swallowed

there is good news and then there is bad news, but all is relative. hitched, connected and tied together like a knot. i am torn at this point on knowing what to write. i have gotten to the point of wanting to write more than i believe that i should. i am trying to figure out what the purpose is here. on what it means to be swallowed up and egotistical. how much real life in the world of blog do we need? possibly i think too often and too much about things that are not worth it. this morning jason called me and that in itself is really fine. i do not quite know how to go about resolving or advising. i have my faith that guides me when i allow it or when i am obedient and willing to listen, but friendships and relating can be too difficult. i feel i ought to step away from the intensity of any relationship, because i am afraid that in my intensity i push those i love away from me. i also think that in relating i expect the other person to pick up and understand. from everything that i see about myself, my heart, it seems i have an intense way about me all of the time. is it due to pride, fear, and an all-knowing inpatience. how can pride, discernment, and knowledge apprehend me, forming me, molding me outside of what i believe in and desire? i do not think of myself as having a poor esteem or a warped view of my identity. but how can i not see things from a biased perspective, is it not about self preservation here?

i want to pretend like my life is most excellently drawn out. i believe in the path before me, even if i cannot see through the thick forest, thorns, and fog. i am angry because i feel i maybe getting the better of my self, i feel fooled by my self. the me in i is beautiful and ugly almost simultaneously. i have been calling it the simultaneous nature of being, for a while now, but it sounds so cliche'. is it the flaky artist in me or the over analytical pseudo intellectual that lies to the normal, average nerd about who i really am. i have felt that when at my worst the product would generally be at its best. is that a lie? i have thought that in my weakness, my suffocation, or oppression, the poor in spirit, meek and mild; that i was indeed at the top of my game. the sarcastic wit/humor, the dry caustic ways of a small chubby girl with napoleon complex, has been something to be proud of. it reminds me of all the things i dislike about unchanging, naughty, heartlessly cold people. i don't want to be someone everyone is afraid of. i don't want to isolate myself from me though. but i want my identity to reflect my faith and my desire to be a godly-holy girl.

i struggle with feeling desperate. i don't have any reason to feel that way. i am thankful, so very grateful. i refuse to underestimate redemption. doesn't everyone struggle with balance. if you have got a spouse and children aren't you always worried about losing yourself, sacrificing the musician, teacher, artist, professional career, moolah making martyr. i on the other hand wonder if i'll ever be married or have children or what exactly is the path i must follow. what exactly is my future? does society put too much emphasis on these things? for sure, without a doubt.

like i have said the meantime is the future for me right now. it is being an artist, being a daughter, sister, friend, coworker and crafty. thank god i have more to learn from, than an example like martha stewart. i appreciate what she does but if celebrities don't piss me off, i don't know what does.

in other news...i am sending hannah's package her way today. i have to say again that her letter was most nice. if you are all interested you should check out the snailmail group. i mention it because as technology forces us in many ways to depersonalize, speed life up to the point where everyone and everything is a blur. technology is also a gift that allows us to revert and repersonalize. i am beginning to dislike the thought of blogging an unoriginal blog, but at the same time i look forward to getting to know, and being known on a more intimate level with people from all over the world.

paper trail

03.02.05
so far my day has been hectic. how often do you feel taken advantage of? once or twice a day. and how much should i be willing to give? i would rather not visit new york or lakeland during the summer months, but the winter season is running out on me. and erin have you seen the gates? are they uncomfortable for the city to look at? i feel a bit like i should rearrange my place here. pour out some of the old and gather the fruit around me. there are amazing people doing amazing things and i know my mind is capable as well.

03.03.05
exciting news to tell of via hannah @ huffmania. she surprised me and sent out a precious box of treasures. it first came ups to my home, but i wasn't there to receive it, so i rerouted it to my officespace. then it was delivered to the wrong place and my good pal, carolyn in the city went to retrieve it for me. inside was the most thoughtful letter i believe i've ever gotten from someone i have never actually met before in person. i am just blown away and feel an immense amount of gratitude and renewed strength in the creation of this friendship-snailmail venture. hannah sent me sheets of this amazing paper. which i will have to take many photos of. she also sent a sweetheart clutchy-sorta pouch, two fine picked reads: Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger, her recommendation; for esme'-with love and squalor.
The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury. Oh this is so great. my firstest book trade ever. holy hell almighty! all may have gone awry, but in a very fantastic way. thank you hannah. now i have got to get off my proverbial backside and send this package off.

BSIDE:

last night i came home and there were two men outside my apartment building. they seemed to be lingering in a sketchy way, yelling up to a lady in the apartment above mine. i sat in my car waiting for them to depart, but it was as if they were waiting for me to get out of the car. so finally i decided to be brave, cold, and unapproachable. i walked across the lawn staring straight at one of the men. all went fine, but up until i went to sleep the men were down on the sidewalk yelling up to "angie" or "angela". all i know is that she's a heavy footed woman. stomping all of the time now. if it's not her it must be the man who wanted up. i was very close to calling the cops last night. i just couldn't pinpoint if there was a conflict, drug deal or stupidity. i got a letter from the property manager that said we could call the po-lice if there was public disturbance outside. it is a difficult choice to make. i suppose if it happens again i will make the call. i just have some hang ups about cops and i don't want to reap the consequences with neighbors. ooooohhhhh brother.

yesterday when i was writing about that ernest hemingway book-the sun also rises. i couldn't remember the title. if anyone else wants to do a book trade i'm up for it. anything at all seriously. well i'm off until i think of more to share.

i also sent an early birthday present to kate, lotta jansdotter was/is having a sale on her 2005 calendars. it is a must check out. i'm constantly looking at her stuff and blissen.

though i walk

i have been fearing this day for a while but i am willing and motivated and more than happy to MOVE ON. so here is my plan. go to atlanta, go to new york, take suggestions, look for a new job, sell my art wherever i can, give things away freely and everyday, write a novel of nothing, challenge the corners with my freestyle walking pro-shoes, and teach myself to k-nit. hows that? though i walk through it, i'm walking right? and that along with the mountains on either side of me is the key. i will also be leaving the dreary nation of cat behind. not that i've been all that dreary here, but the rough times have crawled up to my ears and i've about had enough. i cannot go back and rearrange the past so i must move forward into the great unknown future of blahblahblah. i have had moocho encouragement and now it is time. the man above is wunderbar...i believe. it actually reminds me of ernest heming-ways, ah now i forget and all that is coming to mind is the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. i'd like to tie myself to a forgetting machine, just for a moment. but that's all a waste i'm actually just fine. no move is a bad move. i'm no pawn, even if i were i'd be...