taking guidance

is not easy for me. fortunately, with age, with each new year it becomes easier for me to listen and hear between the lines. at thirty two my ears can fine tune themselves to the barely audible, fairly quiet, deeply internal voice, if i so chose. after all there are complicated consequences that result from discarding the facts. the truth is fairly simple but very difficult to want to hear, see, or believe. i never thought it was that funny when after having been told the truth and believing the opposite, i'd find myself completely unable to hear at all. i found that the less i heard, the less i was ever going to hear, i was quickly becoming deaf. just as i was losing my hearing, i found my vision and my ability to believe dissipate as well. oh the neglect. looking back i know i felt utterly, desperately in despair but now with a little age under my belt, thinking that maybe i know just a little bit more, it is all too funny. funny how taking guidance was absolutely distasteful and seriously uncool.

three or four or five years ago i thought i might be a decent enough artist to become a member of the local association of visual artists, AVA. after just one year i let that membership expire, and decided to fight conformity and structure and opportunity. to hell with organization. to hell with becoming a better artist, i didn't need the hassle of meeting some standard of mediocre impressionistic art. needless to say i knew i wouldn't miss out on a whole lot. now three or four or five years later i decided i wanted to be in that artist directory. uh? yeah you bet you, taking guidance feels really really good. you know it? thirty five bucks stood between me and that artist directory and you know how long it took for me to take heed and whip out the old credit card? um...only about a minute. yhep, that's right.

you know what? a membership to AVA doesn't mean anything to me but this one little itty bitty opportunity. and really i like this idea of a growing desire to share my art. finally. it is easier to listen than to bear the weight of neglect. taking guidance is difficult but i am thankful that guidance never gave up on me and figured out that in the depths of my heart i wanted to make nice art and share it with my community.

thanks kk1000

happy summer

today is a work day. early morning freezer paper stencil-made. new art work for upcoming art ed council auction and trying my hand at simple, yet blurry polaroids.

in my mind it is never too late to try something new, for me that is. i have always used polaroids as a means of taking head shots, silly and serious head shots of myself, none of which will ever make debut here or there. they will stay hidden between my journals.

summer here today is making itself known, a tumble of thunder mixed with a sizzling humid bolt of lightening. yum, cook me up some. you know i'm dorky. as soon as i posted "csa" i heard the words, on the t.v. so yeah. the rest of the day i am going to help a person celebrate their birthday. we shall see how that goes. have a happy first or second day of summer, wherever you are at.

eating for my eyes

wednesdays used to be no waste. remember when? i barely remember. it is difficult uncovering and discovering these days when so many do it full time. i have found some things i'd like-like but do not need and won't be purchasing but think they're worth a small bit of your time. for instance i am now getting a csa {can someone help me? i have no idea what csa means} bag a week full of vegetable bounty. oh yeah well um but, i need good food and carrots aren't on the list of things to share.
saturation for one

sparkle for two

and starlings for three

ok so they're not starlings but "s" was apart of my running theme, having nothing to do with the csa bounty or the carrots.

it's just been one of those days. happier now though that i've gotten new canvas that just happened to be 30% off sale. now finally i may actually have something to show for my non motivated post clothesline self. i'm thinking of fortune. and not my own fortune, and not fortunate but what i haven't quite figured it out, when i do i'll let you know. tomorrow night, that is thursday is my third to last time at the rx. it's not going to solve my restlessness to be finished there but it may help me eventually manage my time or some of these priorities.

eating for my eyes. watching my dairy intake. buying a new bicycle. learning to make new art. reading the chosen by chaim potok. getting eight hours of sleep. sending out clothesline invites. crabtree farms picnic. pool time with the nephews. sleeping past seven in the morning.

s t i l l

i s t i l l have christmas plastic window adhesives sticking to my windows. i suppose no one else has noticed, so what's the big deal? this week life has stilled, become a little more silent, peaceful and less contrary. i am on the mend. a mental and emotional mend that i have kept mostly to myself. i feel less weary, less worried, less fearful, less speechless, less tearful, and so life goes on. and really on it does. i have felt more like myself and less like a rug. i am not sure about how i'm going to go about picking up where i have left off with so much. something was born in me, this ultra sense of responsibility. within, i forgot about responsibility for the majority of my late teens and early twenties, and now having been in my thirties for 2 years i feel like i'm playing catch up. it has been difficult forgiving myself for the loss, thinking about what 'could've been', wondering about the 'should have's', pretty pointless, right? now i know and my eyes have been opened within, grace. i really see more and can handle more and know that i'm loved. s t i l l loved for who i truly am. sometimes i fight having any responsibility, the weight of the world. to love and be loved can be a pretty heavy undertaking, especially when for some many years i forgot to love myself first. anyone else have that problem, sometimes? i have got to learn to live and give myself a b.r.e.a.k. a chance to breath and silence the lies. who am i alone?

this week i feel like i accomplished a whole lot. though not like in art or cleaning or putting away my piles of laundry or quitting smoking or losing 3 pounds or whatever. i accomplished a little forgiveness, i feel like i allowed myself some grace, this feels huge. i feel like i gave myself a get out of jail free card, a tender pat on the back, a 'it'll be ok'.

i sent out the beehive tree, hoping it finds a loving home. posted clothesline financials, letters, and applications, i worked my second to last saturday at cvs, bought a great little father's day gift, went to the village market, finished reading what is the what by dave eggers, neglected to pick up my csa veggies, yet-but all in all feel relief and restoration.

this next week holds an entire new series of things to accomplish, concreting ideas for art.ama.jig piece, sending out clothesline invites/applications for 09/08 show, and possibly cooking that indian food, channa masala, i keep thinking about.

happy father's day to my dad and brothers. you are the best men in my world. too!

in the way

that flickr and etsy got in my way this weekend is certainly a serious understatement. i barely moved except to eat a couple poptarts, shuffle clean and dirty clothing, or shower and dress to spend time with the family. i actually accomplished exactly what i expected to insofar as getting every single piece of new artwork, expect for one, added to sell on etsy. and well um, flickr is always irresistible. i know that i have got to begin the process of creating new work, different work for the upcoming clothesline show in september and for art.ama.jig in july and i'm just putting it off. i'm putting it off in order to make work available here online. my etsy shop has been fully updated and you may now peruse at your leisure. it is to your advantage, some prices have been lowered. i also have an over abundance of the newest paper quilt series cards, so i've put them together in a 8 card set for sixteen bucks. what do you think? i know many of you expressed interest in seeing my work again, after having not gotten a close enough look at the clothesline and by all means i'd like to make that possible, but it isn't going to work for me to set up "appointments" at this time. i really think i ought to hang the leftover work at fitness together as i always have and if you're interested it's there and fairly open to the public. it's strange or something, i know.

i am just not sure how to go about making time for everything i need to accomplish. after meeting with the clothesline board members tonight, we began setting the serious dates and invitations to apply are going out next week, 13 weeks until september 5, 6, and 7. yipes! i really really really stressed out before the may show and i still don't think i've recovered. i am up for the challenge though and think this go around i'll have some learning and growing under my belt. honestly i could become the slug and enjoy the mattress and pillownest i make and the piles of books i have on my nightynite stand. in the depths of me i feel contentment and assuredness. there is peace.

search off

i officially have put in my notice at the rx. unfortunately i'll be stretching things out there through the rest of june. i was ready to just end it and i am still ready to just end it but, i am not so good at saying no. i am trying to convince myself that it won't be all that bad and that i will be thankful for a couple more weeks worth of baby paychecks, like pocket change, making good on gas and cigs. maybe two of the most important non necessities of life. i will walk away from the rx with an open door, the offer to come back whenever i want, so come christmas, i may but, i seriously doubt.

after all it comes down to my own personal search off. in search of real moments and uninterrupted thoughts. searching for time, time to be really alone, time to make a piece of art slowly rather than frantically. i am over waiting. i am ready to dig into this summer, even though it looks more like it won't start for me until july. i am seeking a few more days, just enough, to finish what is the what to begin the chosen. i am looking for strawberries and a brand new bicycle. i imagine a couple of hours of zero responsibility and maybe a moment or two to make my favorite indian dish. i need a good night time walk, a conversation with the trees and grass, and cracks in the sidewalk. i would like to find new sheets and sleep past six twenty a.m. and i'd like to give away more stuff and paint my magazine rack matte black.

i'd like to know just a little bit more. and i'm curious about alot. it all seems to hinge on quitting and finding a little pencil topper...above, see? the little slitted sphere spins, go figure, what's it for? it came on top of a fifty year old pencil that was in a bunch tied up with a rotten rubberband given to me by my mommom and poppop. is it plainly decorative or in someway for someuse? any of you know, take a guess...leave a comment, send me your mailing address and i'll send you a stack of my paper quilt cards. 4free4real. my email is catcollier@hotmail.com now you got it? maybe help me, feed my need to detective here. go to search out some zzz's. outtahere.

in the brief

there isn't anything brief about the last months passed. i have missed and missed beyond missed this place, the void that not having the internet, sort of left. before november of last year i had an easier time of getting on the w.w.w. while working, and i mean simultaneously surfing and working. my job at university was difficult and i found myself checked out and ready to move on, hence my surfing ways. not to say i'm proud of it all but, now things are really different. i really like my job, it is challenging and i'm not half as bored as i used to be. i wasn't up to meeting the challenges at university anymore and plus i felt myself getting sucked into shall we say female drama. unga! all is better. all is right.

today is a new day with the w.w.w. literally right at my fingertips, right here in my tree house apartment. i have put this moment off for such a long time and can't bare to think about comcast being the answer but at least i'm here and really thankful. i suppose to some, internet comes with and out of necessity. for me, well, i have lived without cable television for probably close to over ten years, and a personal computer for as long. i only cable for a short time in apartment i was renting from chief stirfry, because he was splitting it up amongst several tenants. having a computer wasn't a priority. i have always been one of those kinds of girl that didn't need a whole lot to be super happy. i have even debated about the conversion to digital in february 2009, i mean, me getting a converter box for my antenna "armadillo" television. i was thinking about just packing up my television and going without. yeah.yeah.yeah.who the heck knows why this is important. blogs are only for the blogger, aren't they? i won't pretend this act of typing doesn't make me feel super good. i would type this way, stream of some consciousness anyway, even without blogger or the internet. i makes me feel good and it's selfish and i'm not worried about what people think about bloggers expressing themselves so openly on the web. in the big scheme of things, i am not so sure it will matter much. no philosophy please.

in the last months i prepared feverishly for the clothesline art show. i created 14 new works, which might not be a whole lot but i not a full time artist person. i barely had enough time between my 8-5 and my 6-9 to get enough art made. clothesline was really nice and went really well. i'm so proud of what we are able to accomplish with one another and how well the community responded. it's not easy and i've mostly doubted my place in all of it more than once or twice but the more distance and time i have that separates me from the event, i look back with great joy and soaked up inspiration and better friendships and more learning about love.

i will be taking better of photos of my artwork and posting those unsold pieces on etsy as soon as physically possible. i'm eager to begin a new chapter, work on art again and get back into communicating with my friends via the blogosphere. i have small family announcements and images of little nephews to write about. i am looking forward to writing about what i'm reading. reading more than i have ever read in my life, except for maybe when i was in the first grade. book clubs are the coolest thing ever. i'm excited about sharing things again, things i find and things i think about. the stupid and silly stuff that doesn't always amount to much in the end but hopefully lifts others up in their daily lives, you know? i'm eager to share my publishing story(ies), it's still happening but ever so slowly, i had no idea. i'm eager to work and to help and create a place again for mostly my family to catch up with me. friends are more than welcome too.

for now i'm out but i'll be back. home i where the www is! horray!