publishers prize patrol

one day while i was in new jersey a couple of weeks ago, while at nana ann's house the postman came to drop off the mail. my aunt cathy was outside packing the mini.van and noticed the mailman unloading a large box. my aunt refused the delivery, with my nana's departure in mind. the little man said that all the people living in this leisuretown community, bought mad amounts of publisher's clearinghouse paraphernalia, in order to "win the millions." my nana had all sorts of things in boxes from the P.C.H. most unopened boxes of books, but just lying around in uselessness. on saturday evening while at the hotel nana said that she need to call her son robert to let him know that he needed to be at her home the next day so that if the publisher's prize patrol came, someone would be there to collect "the millions."



i think that my little nana has been pulled in, she's bought the lies, and believes she's going to win. now she's happier playing bingo, bathing in the egg shaped spa and thinking about all of her dolls that are coming down. she knows that she's younger than most of the people living in assistance, but it is only because in three years her decline has been obvious in more ways than one.

on the other hand my mommom and poppop are thriving, challenged, serving, and preserving. they are both so creative, i have begun to think it came from them. i have a feeling that mommom is back on the www, because i got a few emails from her yesterday. i also got an e. from h. and she got my package. i'll try and find directions to my boxes now. check with me tomorrow i'm having a hard time getting my service/computer to work properly. sorry.

polar opposites

(i deleted these images from my workforce pc, thought you all had seen them by now, they weren't good photos anyhow)

wow the weekend flew by too quickly. i barely had a chance to breath, between working, visiting a little with chris g. & betafish, laundry, church&nursery, and family day @ the parentals with nana ann.

work went well enough, except on saturday everything went awry. i opened the rx without a pharmacist, then when he did get there he had no keys to get in to the rx, then the alarm went off. i could not reach the manager because he had his phone of the hook. all in all the morning was not as bad as it has gotten here at uoha at times. i did not work sunday, but instead had nursery @ church and then went to the parentals for dinner with nana. i had not seen my brother aaron and sister n law in forever. talk about a most hilarious time. we looked through a bunch of photos. we asked nana about what our mother was like when she was a child and aaron kept dropping these one liners that sent mom into a red-faced laughing tisy. gosh, it's good to be with my brothers. i eventually left at five, to go home and take a nap. when i woke up i felt sick and headachy. spent the evening doing laundry.

i have not spent any time looking for flight to new york, nor have i established a specific time to go to atlanta.

i'm thinking of participating in month of softies per loobylu. i believe it is a really nice theme to work with and i have noticed that even though some people don't sew they are still submitting something. but i may sew something in paper, or stuff something in paper. i really ought to finish my familytree project, but i'd like my submission to m.o.s. more specific to me. on friday i bought two balls of wonderful yarn. a shop around the corner from where i live opened about a month or so ago and the temptation got the better of me. i went in to find cubies full of all kinds of fine yarn. i had no earthly idea there'd be so much quality selection. i got one ball of mixed fiber, wool and i believe acrylic. the other is 100% wool, but i forget from where and what brand. my uncle is coming down this month over easter and should be bringing my knitting needles. how awesome would it be to do knitting and collage in one piece?

right now i've got some crazy things i'd like to send out or actually just get rid of. i have some of those vintage xmas candles, the dorky ones. i actually sent one off to hannah, but i've got about 5 more. there's an asian looking santa claus. his eyes were painted at a slippery angle. there's a red very faded tree that now looks like a peachy pink tree. yuck. is anyone interested? i'll attempt to take a photo or two to post. i'll have to look through all my "junk" again, but for now if anyone wants them, they're free, with or without a comparable trade. oh well you all may just find them in your packages as a trade comes up.

the photos is from new jersey, a corner of leisuretown, southhampton way. the snow grew quite deeper than this but i took most of my photos with my manual. i like the negative and the play on words. polar(snowy, frigid temps)oppposites. howya like me now?

on being swallowed

there is good news and then there is bad news, but all is relative. hitched, connected and tied together like a knot. i am torn at this point on knowing what to write. i have gotten to the point of wanting to write more than i believe that i should. i am trying to figure out what the purpose is here. on what it means to be swallowed up and egotistical. how much real life in the world of blog do we need? possibly i think too often and too much about things that are not worth it. this morning jason called me and that in itself is really fine. i do not quite know how to go about resolving or advising. i have my faith that guides me when i allow it or when i am obedient and willing to listen, but friendships and relating can be too difficult. i feel i ought to step away from the intensity of any relationship, because i am afraid that in my intensity i push those i love away from me. i also think that in relating i expect the other person to pick up and understand. from everything that i see about myself, my heart, it seems i have an intense way about me all of the time. is it due to pride, fear, and an all-knowing inpatience. how can pride, discernment, and knowledge apprehend me, forming me, molding me outside of what i believe in and desire? i do not think of myself as having a poor esteem or a warped view of my identity. but how can i not see things from a biased perspective, is it not about self preservation here?

i want to pretend like my life is most excellently drawn out. i believe in the path before me, even if i cannot see through the thick forest, thorns, and fog. i am angry because i feel i maybe getting the better of my self, i feel fooled by my self. the me in i is beautiful and ugly almost simultaneously. i have been calling it the simultaneous nature of being, for a while now, but it sounds so cliche'. is it the flaky artist in me or the over analytical pseudo intellectual that lies to the normal, average nerd about who i really am. i have felt that when at my worst the product would generally be at its best. is that a lie? i have thought that in my weakness, my suffocation, or oppression, the poor in spirit, meek and mild; that i was indeed at the top of my game. the sarcastic wit/humor, the dry caustic ways of a small chubby girl with napoleon complex, has been something to be proud of. it reminds me of all the things i dislike about unchanging, naughty, heartlessly cold people. i don't want to be someone everyone is afraid of. i don't want to isolate myself from me though. but i want my identity to reflect my faith and my desire to be a godly-holy girl.

i struggle with feeling desperate. i don't have any reason to feel that way. i am thankful, so very grateful. i refuse to underestimate redemption. doesn't everyone struggle with balance. if you have got a spouse and children aren't you always worried about losing yourself, sacrificing the musician, teacher, artist, professional career, moolah making martyr. i on the other hand wonder if i'll ever be married or have children or what exactly is the path i must follow. what exactly is my future? does society put too much emphasis on these things? for sure, without a doubt.

like i have said the meantime is the future for me right now. it is being an artist, being a daughter, sister, friend, coworker and crafty. thank god i have more to learn from, than an example like martha stewart. i appreciate what she does but if celebrities don't piss me off, i don't know what does.

in other news...i am sending hannah's package her way today. i have to say again that her letter was most nice. if you are all interested you should check out the snailmail group. i mention it because as technology forces us in many ways to depersonalize, speed life up to the point where everyone and everything is a blur. technology is also a gift that allows us to revert and repersonalize. i am beginning to dislike the thought of blogging an unoriginal blog, but at the same time i look forward to getting to know, and being known on a more intimate level with people from all over the world.

paper trail

03.02.05
so far my day has been hectic. how often do you feel taken advantage of? once or twice a day. and how much should i be willing to give? i would rather not visit new york or lakeland during the summer months, but the winter season is running out on me. and erin have you seen the gates? are they uncomfortable for the city to look at? i feel a bit like i should rearrange my place here. pour out some of the old and gather the fruit around me. there are amazing people doing amazing things and i know my mind is capable as well.

03.03.05
exciting news to tell of via hannah @ huffmania. she surprised me and sent out a precious box of treasures. it first came ups to my home, but i wasn't there to receive it, so i rerouted it to my officespace. then it was delivered to the wrong place and my good pal, carolyn in the city went to retrieve it for me. inside was the most thoughtful letter i believe i've ever gotten from someone i have never actually met before in person. i am just blown away and feel an immense amount of gratitude and renewed strength in the creation of this friendship-snailmail venture. hannah sent me sheets of this amazing paper. which i will have to take many photos of. she also sent a sweetheart clutchy-sorta pouch, two fine picked reads: Nine Stories by J.D. Salinger, her recommendation; for esme'-with love and squalor.
The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury. Oh this is so great. my firstest book trade ever. holy hell almighty! all may have gone awry, but in a very fantastic way. thank you hannah. now i have got to get off my proverbial backside and send this package off.

BSIDE:

last night i came home and there were two men outside my apartment building. they seemed to be lingering in a sketchy way, yelling up to a lady in the apartment above mine. i sat in my car waiting for them to depart, but it was as if they were waiting for me to get out of the car. so finally i decided to be brave, cold, and unapproachable. i walked across the lawn staring straight at one of the men. all went fine, but up until i went to sleep the men were down on the sidewalk yelling up to "angie" or "angela". all i know is that she's a heavy footed woman. stomping all of the time now. if it's not her it must be the man who wanted up. i was very close to calling the cops last night. i just couldn't pinpoint if there was a conflict, drug deal or stupidity. i got a letter from the property manager that said we could call the po-lice if there was public disturbance outside. it is a difficult choice to make. i suppose if it happens again i will make the call. i just have some hang ups about cops and i don't want to reap the consequences with neighbors. ooooohhhhh brother.

yesterday when i was writing about that ernest hemingway book-the sun also rises. i couldn't remember the title. if anyone else wants to do a book trade i'm up for it. anything at all seriously. well i'm off until i think of more to share.

i also sent an early birthday present to kate, lotta jansdotter was/is having a sale on her 2005 calendars. it is a must check out. i'm constantly looking at her stuff and blissen.

though i walk

i have been fearing this day for a while but i am willing and motivated and more than happy to MOVE ON. so here is my plan. go to atlanta, go to new york, take suggestions, look for a new job, sell my art wherever i can, give things away freely and everyday, write a novel of nothing, challenge the corners with my freestyle walking pro-shoes, and teach myself to k-nit. hows that? though i walk through it, i'm walking right? and that along with the mountains on either side of me is the key. i will also be leaving the dreary nation of cat behind. not that i've been all that dreary here, but the rough times have crawled up to my ears and i've about had enough. i cannot go back and rearrange the past so i must move forward into the great unknown future of blahblahblah. i have had moocho encouragement and now it is time. the man above is wunderbar...i believe. it actually reminds me of ernest heming-ways, ah now i forget and all that is coming to mind is the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. i'd like to tie myself to a forgetting machine, just for a moment. but that's all a waste i'm actually just fine. no move is a bad move. i'm no pawn, even if i were i'd be...

snow deep

i am finally back from the north. a fine snow deep fell on thursday, which made me feel very happy and alive inside. i couldn't believe my eyes, considering we never see snow like six inches in the south. there was much packing to do and organizing on thursday. in the evening we went to the red lion diner. talk about a fargo feeling moment. a jersey life seems so different. there does not seem like a whole lot to do. farm after farm stretches across the state. i wasn't sure when we left one town and entered another. i spent a whole day with mommom and poppop at the masonic home. when they came and picked me up in the morning we went straight there and up to their tiny cozy little apartment. it is a wonderful, really gorgeous place. old and newly renovated. i walked with mommom the entire campus, meeting, seeing and observing the lives of people living there. so very encouraging to see that our elders are being taken care of. we had lunch together and dinner and inbetween the went through their room and gathered things for me to bring back with me. my mommom knitted a beautiful sweater and scarf for me, that i wore the rest of the trip. my mommom gave me her old (vintage) wedding cake topper. it must be from 1953. there were items from my great grandmother, and my great grandfather, frank's first wife adelaide. i am a lover of treasures and they have so many. i hope to pass things along to my brothers as well.

when at my nana's i found several sets of knitting needles, thousands of spools of thread, playing cards, a bag of very old (again very vintage) wrapping paper and gift tags, i found two locomotive fortyfives that were my grandfather's. i got my poppop's old harmonica, the list goes on and on. i supppose the reason i mention all of this is because i am amazed at the history. i am floored by what my grandparents have saved throughout the years. i believe they saved things not because of hoarding, but because things that people gave you or momentos actually meant something back then. i'd say nowadays, things don't mean that much and they shouldn't really all that much (as in treasures stored up on earth aren't going anywhere with us when we die) anyway. but at least they weren't bombarded with commercialism, materialism, and the greed that leads to overspending and major debt. but i appreciate my history and the northern aspect of my life.

i sent off two notes to l. braxton and elizabeth today. and i'm still working on the one for h. i'm going to try and not work (rx) as much this week. i feel i might wear myself out to quickly. i had a great time away and i know that my nine to five is about to get very hectic.

now that i've been away i have this driving desire to move away from chattanooga. i am not sure what my motivation is or where exactly i want to go. i have got to pay my parentals back, but at the rate i'm working it'll only be a four or five month process. i had such high hopes and expectation in moving to honolulu. it is still there in the background calling out my name. there's atlanta and new york. at this point it might be a good thing for me to move. i feel i'm the last one left in away. that i may be the last one on my island. i would like someone to offer up a plan. tell me what i should do or give me a sign, a pointer finger. i know that in many ways i'm attached here. obviously family and new city, but other than that i could leave the friendships behind. not that they aren't great, but i'm ready and feel prepared to branch out more. there's my art that might florish in another, larger city. i feel financially alright. the two job thing isn't killing me. it's the uoha job that i dislike and feel suffocated in. my art isn't killing me, it has been good to get more involved. but i do like the city and i do like the snow deep.

morning monster

how i dread getting into the shower, rushing off to work and barely getting there entirely. the morning monster is coffee and piddling about, watering the banana tree, shamrock, and prayer plant. the mm dangerously persuades me to craft and pick up the odds and ends left out from the night before. i want to work crosswords in the morning, nibble on pringles and valentine conversation hearts.

fragile

i have found a fragile, fearful side of myself come back. it left for some time while i was less alone and a bit more social. now that i am working twelve hours almost everyday i am definitely more tired, with thoughts of black hole living seeping out around my edges. last thursday i spent most of the day feeling like my work effort was in an absolute shambles. i found a few major billing mistakes i should have caught but did not know to look deeper. so i decided to leave work early on friday. saturday i worked out in the dallas bay area. thirty minutes away, but worth the extra hours. at the end of the night i accidentally dumped over an entire register drawer, change toppling everywhere. thankfully the pharmacist was nice enough to help me pick it all up and out of the garbage.

sunday i meant to go to church but had many other excuses. ironing clothes, h. project, coffee, c.o.(sunday morning), rainy, horrible, soggy day (much too much like today, except today is worse), and having not been at home all week long hardly. at noon i went to the parentals for dinner. smoore is in ireland for the week and so it was just the three of us. i had the aesthetics meeting sunday night. i hesitantly took my drawings, which everyone really enjoyed and valued. they liked the ideas i had worked into the plans, for me it was encouraging. you never know how people are going to respond. we have a very small budget and concluded that we'd do the cosmetic work (paint, carpet and cabinet/shelves), then work on furniture and decoration next quarter.

today i finally got a greenlight on the software from the doctors. we're having all new hardware and medical software installed/converted. good, great news, signing a new contract, discussing final details, lots of questions. timing and technology. so i've started to list my brainstorms.

tonight and tomorrow i work all day. then i'm off wednesday through sunday for new jersey. being in a car for fourteen hours should lend itself to catching up on reading, sleeping, snacking, journaling, writing letters and talking with mom, aunt, and nana. oh yikes. what have i gotten myself into?

the above photo is of a photo i took the first year i lived at the grand. it is actually the photo i used to do the four piece painting. it is dark but something about it reminds me of new life. with the avocado seed, narcissus bulb and egg.

and thanks everyone for the sweet cards. i'm working on sending out the piles to each of you very very soon.

landscape times one

as a fulfillment of a delayed promise or thought, here are vague photos of my very first sewing paper project-O. i didn't want to bog the entry down with too many photos that aren't that detailed to begin with. a smidgen of clue for you. oh and i am oh so happy to have accomplished such a challenge. the machine is so small that i really dreaded keeping such long pieces together. so i used clips and paperclips. i couldn't use straight pins because the paper is too thick to puncture. and the space between the needle and right side of the machine is so small that i couldn't sew large segments together. a very slow, tedious process, but extremely fulfilling and rewarding.

i tend to do lean against landscapes in much of my work. they are abstract and require a double vision from the audience. it is as if flying in a plane overlooking the earth from afar, seeing very distant, minute fields, building/structures, roads, cars, rivers, lakes and all sorts of things. the earth has been compared to a quilt, when looked at from above. and that is my idea as well. the other vision you must take on is that of a profile view of a landscape/cityscape. i've got the shades of green rising up to the blue. with the moon in the right hand corner. buildings(abstracted) rising out of the green. and then as i always do add that layer of pixelated-squares. this time it was silver electrical tape at the top, yellow drywall grid tape for the middle and red red red beautiful red ducktape for the lower segment. last but not least i've got a splatter of brighter paint. but i believe i took the last photo before the splatter. but i used silver and yellow and red paint. it adds a touch of blur that i like about seeing things through squinted eyes. almost like when the sun is too bright.












i will put out a few more photos later on, but for now i wanted to get this out to you. i think when doing collage it is really important not to use other people's work. i know how wonderful it is to go to a place like hobby lobby and sift through the scrapbooking paraphenilia, but it IS someone else idea. sometimes collage is just that though and if your goal is to portray someone else's work and manipulate it that's good, but it is been done already. i would challenge you to keep a flimsy little notebook around you at all times. it doesn't really have to be all that special of a book. i keep notebooks at my friends house all the time because sometimes i get in a draw-ering mood and have got to get a fix. one thing that all collage artists should take advantage of is KINKO'S. there is nothing wrong with taking bits and pieces of your doodling, scraps of found objects(which is different from scrapbooking materials), and 3 dimensional objects (e.g. buttons, matches, maps, paperclips, et cetera). you are responsible for being original and you have the ability to make your own scrapbooking sheets that are CHEAPER anyway. the other thing is that that color-copying that you have becomes a continual resource to add to future works. it's true. i keep rubbermaid bins for old wrapping paper and color copies, pipe cleaner, origami, and a whole bunch of other stuff. don't be afraid, seriously.

i'm outta here.

foul swoop

as i was taking the elevator up to the fifth this morning, i noticed the purple window washing company out in command on the glass. when i went out for a break just now i watched as three of them gently eased their way down to a flat area. at once the third, higher than the other two took a flying leap around a angled corner into the two below. took my breath away for just a moment. watching in awe as white foam flew out of white buckets. and a tangle of rope and purple, woven together on the side of the glass. in one enormous foul swoop the whole troop might have crumpled to the glass roof feet below. i am now left with a strange feeling. remembering b.k., last night's rerun episode of medium, and how fragile life really honestly is. i suppose it is wrong of me to draw similarity between a real life accident and that which is portrayed on real television. i tend to watch television to pick up snippets of knowledge, pointless, meandering knowledge of very small matters. science intrigues me to no end because there is fact about everything. one could wrap our lives around numbers. how many blinks, how many yawns, how many oreos around the earth, consumed by americans in a year. so on and so forth, a never ending wealth of who's who. what's what and why's why.

it is indeed exhausting. and i seriously doubt i am exaggerating. the problem might be, that i never finished college. but i doubt that too. i am more than curious about everything.

last night after work i came home and had the evening off. it was a normal day, just like any other except i got the cutest valentine from my littlest bestest friend in the world. josiah will most likely be like his momma and eden like her poppa. doesn't it work that way usually. i believe i am one hundred percent my father and one hundred percent my mother. that's how i explain my conflictedness. how could one person be an introvert/extrovert simultaneously? i worked on crossword puzzles in bed before drifting off to sleep. i didn't wake up until a text message on my cellphone woke me at eight. almost too late. so i popped out from under the cozy sheets and made sum+ kona blend kaffe'. chips and dips for dinner. and all my m.s.magazines for reference along with metro home. pumped out five drawings of the music room. not proportionate, but colored with pencil and everything. i don't think i finally got up to go to sleep until two a.m. oh well. i have a majorly bad habit of not sleeping correctly. starting from when i was in highschool, having mono, and almost missing senior vaca to panamocity (the way j. says it). i went on the trip, miserable the whole entire time, but that's highschool for you.

i want you to know that the i looked at the blogs up for the 2005 bloggie awards and i had no idea that i could nominate myself. egotistical i know, but hell there are bloggers out there using blogspot just as i am and up for a little publicity. many of the blogs don't even have photo content. how's that good. i've gotta have the visual support, anything to represent the phantomcrimes that'll blow your mind.

real is love

ah these last days weren't exactly a weekend. i spent the majority of my waking moments working at the ole rx. woohoo. i am thankful to have tonight off, but it is back to it, tuesday, wednesday, friday, and saturday. i am missing some great times, a couple of people have been disappointed by my inabilities to participate. i feel badly but really my priority is this second job. i am not working because i want to, i am doing it because i have to.

i did not even feel motivated to work on any fine project-O's. no music room drawings or "trades" for h. i've decided that tonight is project night. if nothing happens, if i'm not filled with motivation tonight i'm going to have to rush around mad, before the end of the week catches up with me. i've gotten plenty of ideas. i bought martha stewart's GOOD THINGS organizational mag along with another pulpy crossword mag. i also got some sorta cute buttons for ninety nine cents @ the rx yesterday. whooo knew i'd find a treasure chest of goodies? there is no lack of ideas, it's a keeping my eyes open thing.

on sunday morning with c.o. i saw cristo&jean-claude. their beautiful creation. i don't care to say so, but seeing the gates unfurled brought forth a swell amount of tearful joy. i appreciate what they've done there and i want so badly to mimic their maximum efforts and progress throughout the years. did you know, their bdays are both on april thirteenth? how hum...don't you think? her hair matches the color of the blowing sheets of saffron. i've always wanted to do something that would stop the traffic. stop the world. i had this crazy idea and mentioned it to my monamieta this afternoon...wouldn't it be nice to take a greyhound from new jersey to central park one day next week? i'd go there snap a few photos, drink a beer, say hello to matt, jerah, erin and benanna and then sierra nevada, off i go again. just a small day trip, nothing too extravagant, but my nana might need help. i am going to see my mommom and poppop, they might not know it yet, but i'm going to see where they live. i've never actually been there before. oohh brother.

gated community

yesterday morning i woke up in a cloud of white flurry. a snow poured and blew from the sky, leaving me feeling sad without accumulation. last night i had a nightmarish dream and awoke at 1.17am. yikzers. i remember it well as if it were really real. a small two seater glider plane flew into my building.



right into the first level, below my window looking out towards the north. the plane made no noise when it hit the building, as if the building opened a large mouth and swallowed it whole. i felt a small to medium vibration, but nothing that knocked me off my feet. there was no explosion or immediate fire, just a sucking sound as if the plane was imploding in on itself. no screaming, and a delayed fire alarm went off out in the hallway. i didn't feel panicked, but confused about what had just happened, so as i have done before, (in real life) i got my purse and cellphone and walked down the stairwell to the lobby and out the side door. the firemen and trucks seemed to get there simultaneously with the crash, so i never heard them come. not even one tiny siren sound. i could smell something burning and literally woke up when i did.

but i went back to sleep or drifted in that inbetween state and found myself going back up into my apartment to find the paint peeling off the walls, rust brown water marks, and a chemical burn smell.

what a strange dream. usually i only dream when i am napping during the afternoon or early evening. today it is beautiful outside and i've got to work tonight from 6-9pm. i might go out, but i'd like to stay at home and work on a few projects. i've got to get something off to h. i noticed her beeUtefful cards, loving the paper source. i also haven't forgotten about the music room drawings. but saturday i've got to work too. oh brother. i'm outta here for the weekend. back on monday.

private eye

there are a few things that i believe i need, but can do without for now. lately i've been watching the gray fungi take over my white shower curtain. certainately i'll find one at the rx. i'd like a very new piece of furniture for my television. i am also running out of book space. so there is much to look forward to. have any of you ever heard of a www based book trade? no buying, no selling, nothing but books flooding the postal service system. i might think about trading books with any number of you. i'll enjoy reading anything except for romantic pulp. hit me up if you're at all interested. i'd like a portable record player too. jas told me about a japanese yellow and orange portable player. oooo & aaaaa.


the world of materialism could quickly rub me out o' biznaz. don't get me wrong i am really happy with what i have. but i'd like to have a studio. i'd also like to know how to iron wax on canvas, before/after painting/collage. for hannah: in the past my friend fenn and i use to exchange collage pieces. all kinds of incredible pieces of paper to put back into our work. i also used to go to thrift stores and pick up old highlight's magazines or children's books. one thing i really want to do is work on a diorama. but h. if you find paper that you really like you should dip it in wax. old photos look cool after being dipped in wax too. and if you are still struggling to make good on collage, try working in one color. color themes are really nice, monochromatic collages. yum to tum.

yesterday i got paid and went to lupi's for dinner last night. phish was being played on the overhead. blahblahblah. i'm not a jamband fan. but i sure do like the badplus. and iron and wine was on last call with carson daly. i have dropped the photo collage for a minute. this weekend is project X. what about dj P.eye?

for what its worth

if i could pick the photo of the day. this would be it. i'm no critic or i'd take better photos myself. the rollers in her hair remind me of chinese handcuffs. i have made mention of this photographer before, so you've not gotten off without a sneak peek at his work.

i fail to mention the most important things. who wants to read my daily soapbox scratch n sniff. back in december, actually on my birthday, i received an eviction notice from chattanooga neighborhood enterprises inc. i knew the letter was coming and each day i literally asked for gods mercy, in the midst of my complete irresponsibility. there is definitely no financial crisis that is too big. to say the least, any self glorification of how this matter is resolving itself, would be a lie. i have mentioned my new rx employment and financial matter with the parentals, but honestly, until i was on track, relatively speaking, i had no desire to write about it all. i'd like to blame my depraved circumstances on someone or something other than myself, but hell, what would i be saying about myself. i'd rather fail and pick up the pieces than fail and say someone else made me do it in the first place. habits are created from conception it seems, but they are breakable and can be overpowered. granted i'll probably never be able to stop smoking as easily.

the point being that ever sense 12.23.04. i have felt a drastic force, a massive heart pounding in my chest. a mental strength, a spiritual and emotional conquering of all circumstances surrounding me at this time. a desire to fall apart and be about falling apart. no reaction to the fall, just submission to the fall. i imagine that a great battle is being fought and that the h.s. is melting the cold heartedness i will live, learn, and flourish through.

at the time i wasn't looking for a spiritual upheavel or high. nothing of the sort sounds pleasant to me. but after seeing how god provides for me in the midst of my sin i must not hesitate to say so.

for what it is worth i am going to be here. as much as i have felt like it, my life hasn't been turned upside down for nothing. and so what if my life stays upside down. my art may not be worth anything, my job performance might not be worth much, my thriving and failing relationships may not be worth much. it is kind of like the christo&jeanne-claude story this morning on the radio. critics say their art is worthless because of its hassle. the massive monstrosity of their work frustrates people. but if you listen you'll hear christo say that it is about the process. from beginning to end. how beautiful.



i read this book once that jonathan gave me called the process by brion gyson i'm not sure if it applies well to my point or that i even read it with comprehension but it is yet another suggestion.

the death of

feminism. "Feminism-what started out as a noble institution to give women the right to vote and participate in all facets of society has turned into a hate-mongering, man bashing (and as my last article proved, sometimes literally) egomaniacal, elitist institution that has done more to oppress women than that dreaded patriarchy could ever dream of. In fact, feminists are a male chauvinist’s dream-they do more to destroy women then they ever could! Of course, this is simply my opinion. Considering this site is called defendingtruth.org then most assuredly I should back up my opinion with some truth. Has there really been a decline in feminism or is that simply wishful thinking on my part."

how many other women out there find feminism to be less than what we want? feminism falls short of what we were created and put on this earth to do. it is exactly as Dena Leichnitz puts it in her article. i haven't found that many other females think about feminism, nor that they care. they are just as unaffected as the next person. the incalculable damage being caused by...feminism. yet there are these sorts of thoughts that i appreciate as well.

there is so much i want to share and reiterate so here goes:


"A British street artist known as Moose creates graffiti by cleaning dirt from sidewalks and tunnels -- sometimes for money when the images are used as advertising. But some authorities call it vandalism.

Moose, whose real name is Paul Curtis, tells NPR's Steve Inskeep that he got the idea when he saw that people had written their names with their fingers on dirty tunnel walls in his hometown of Leeds. Moose does some freehand drawing, but also uses the grid from wall tiles to create perfect shapes and letters.

The tools are simple: A shoe brush, water and elbow grease, he says."

i also wanted to show you this. have any of you heard of loopsuppa? these people and whatever they are doing, art/music. seems fairly inspiring to me.

and for now that is all i have to offer.

got poison

i am totally bad at this, maybe a blog flogger or blog-rex parasite. admittedly i have not been near a computer that can feed my flickr account with brand new photos. i'm limited technologically to the point where i'm sending, trading things out with fellow craftsters and wala...stealing their photos of my work, turning them out here. i feel it is a little backhanded or a stretch. i do love the buttons i sent up to hillary though. i really can't wait to see how she uses them.

this past weekend seems a blur. fine grained blur around the corners. friday turned into a whirlwind. after work i babysat which was nice. i was supposed to go out to dinner, but my friend got sick. instead bethy came over, exchanging hilarious stories over heiniken. saturday was my first day at cvs rx. all and all it went very well. nothing has changed about policy and procedure. i needed a four hour shift to reacquaint myself with o' regis-TAR.

saturday i was going to go to atlanta to visit with the k. family but i hadn't planned on working saturday and missing the party. i also didn't think about laundry and moolah for making the trip down. i also knew that i needed to be back on sunday before five p.m. all of this to say, my disappointment was great. i feel i must've missed a hearty k. fam get together. i know that right now in my life sacrifices are going to need to be made. i have been given a long rope with slack in it to work with but specifically my parentals are not going to be patient with me very much longer if i do not get a move on. in addition to working at the rx i maybe picking a shift up here and there at blueskies. i'll be waiting to hear from them though.

in regards to the aesthetics meeting, i've been asked to draw up two plans for the room. i've actually never done anything like draw up a design for renovation. but the room is in dire need of improvement. it is used for music people, music instruments, boxed music, copy machine, and pre-sermon pastors chamber. it is used for multiple functions and it is rather disgusting. i have two weeks to do a simple design idea. i don't have to worry about the budget or anything like that, but there has to be a focus before we go in and just start buying stuff and painting. it's interesting to find myself involved at new city. i am enjoying it. i'm looking forward to the challenges ahead. there's also opportunity for me to grow here. i was confronted last night with all of these thoughts about how believers are usually the first to admit their sin, but it's funny to see how the sin in each of us manifests itself.

last week was a horrible week for me at work. i concluded that it was the poison in me. the sin that corrupts even my best attempts. the attempts that seem selfless and purely motivated at first but turn without me knowing. i thought the conflict at work was good because it meant less emotion under the rug. it meant something productive might actually come from all the destructiveness. i also thought that if i wrote a letter to my coworker, apologizing and recognizing my sin, she'd forgive and forget. instead she misread/misinterpreted the letter and i was left crying for an hour. it's not enough to know about the poison, it is not enough to repent. sometimes the reaction of others towards you is with you all of the time. i have a difficult time dealing with shame. an insecurity about who knows what, about me, that sort of thing.

unfortunately i am going to miss the bible study this week, but there again a sacrifice must be made. i think if god wants me in a b.s. he'll provide a way.

there is much gratefulness to each of you who are of great encouragement and spiritual strength to me. there are few words to express my sincere delight in each comment and word you have brought forth. i am constantly blessed in this life. this forward motion.

archeology digs

last night was different than things have been lately. i wasn't up for very much and so i found myself frantic, when everything started down the unexpected road. i left work in a hurry to get home. i've been awaiting news, from 4bridges. sure enough it was in my mailbox. but with an unfortunate non-acceptance letter. honestly, a no BIG surprise. i didn't think i'd get in but i wanted to try and try anyway. i had been looking at the artists chosen in past years and i didn't feel my work fit in. the big picture has no space in it for collage like mine. i also know that my work isn't a unified body and it must be difficult to grasp. it's not like i have one idea and stick with it. there isn't one theme, one medium, one stroke, one hypothesis. my work is experimental and at times too bright and abstract. i don't know that people find real depth in my art and that's not because it isn't technically good or that i don't spend much of my time with a piece. i think it's because you won't beable to see layers of work in a slide. you won't get my artist statement fit into a thirty word descript. regardless the @ home exhibit is on. the evening might just be called 'at home with the artist.' who knows but look for details to come. i'll be working to frame pieces finished and getting plaques via jas. i'll have invites going out when i decide on a date when i'm not working.

i am working at cvs rx tomorrow for the first time in quite a few years. it should be interesting. i find the idea brilliant, no more free, uninspired time on my hands. have anyone of you noticed the nice broadcasting on pbs lately. especially the evenings. man, i don't feel guilty about watching any of it. there was a special on regarding ireland and tracing mankind there. under large hills they'd bury their dead. like this
what an amazing story. how can you not love the history of man. the ritual the practices all it. i'm amazed there are people who, today, bother to think about the past and have found things in their journeys and discoveries. i think i want to do everything. everything there is to do. sounds insane. i want to climb the largest mountains, walk and sail around the world, fly a jet plane and oh so much more. i don't feel urgency or even a extreme motivation, but the intrigue is definitely there. my friend came up with a new dj name for me. so far i've got, dj mini mart, dj for an hr, dj durta laundre', and now dj catskillz. i joke all the time about being able to spin out some intella-inde hiphop. i have seen some females that scratch em up though. amazing work.

i'm trying to think about what else is new news. i'll catch up later. outta here.

podcasting

have you heard? do you know? are you up to speed on this? podcasting just heard about it this afternoon while on my break. there is a bunch of it going on, so much for pirate radio.

well i had a fairly good weekend. last friday all hell broke loose at work, but i must say i stood my ground. so today i gave one of my coworkers a letter i wrote and i'm not receiving the silent treatment anymore.

on saturday the weather came me in and i worked on my card for hope. i sent it out yesterday and can't wait to hear what she thinks. big ups for ideas like hers. otherwise i'd still be with nervousness.org and bored. i also have a very special surprise heading up hillary's way. i have some insecurity about it all because hillary happens to be a softie seamstress and i am barely a paper seamstress. i can't much count on a straight sewing line on paper. although i favor the crooked line more. i'd really don't want to use too much glue, so while sewing i use paperclips which fasten my pieces together long enough for me to get them together. i don't have fancy stitching and i rarely sew backwards, but sewing on martha stewart ribbon and the sort has been overwhelmingly rewarding.

i finished my landscape project the night before last and last night i started my family tree photo quilt. i'm not as eager or optimistic this go around. it's was much harder deciding how to start. after all i really know nothing about the family pictured in the photos. but i did manage to pick through the organization and find a pattern. a very loose, raw sort that won't speak to the family ties that bind or anything like that, but oh well. maybe i'll forge another path with this project. and forget sewing leaves, the photopaper is way to fragile. i suppose i enjoy the white, brown and black tones of the photos more than anything right now.

i also am starting a part time job at cvs pharmacy on saturday. horray, oh my goodness i'm so excited. more moolah and financial peace. i sat down with my father on sunday to discuss and plan my financial future. it sounds ridiculous i know. i'm twenty nine and struggling habitually with my money. habits are difficult to break and though i have a good job and make plenty of money to support myself i am not able to do a few very important things. i also know that marriages with money issues easily fall apart, so it's better to face this now while i'm free of all that. i know there are millions of people out there much more responsible than i but it really doesn't matter to me. if you don't have car debt, you have school debt, if you don't have school debt you have credit card debt and if you don't have credit card debt you have wedding, children, home, or vacation debt. what is done is done, i must move forward. which i look forward in doing. so i'll be heading down to atlanta on saturday afternoon for j.j.k's second bday. all will work out and i feel much better than i have been for quite some time.

bb gun

ASIDE:
ugh this morning has been treacherous. i couldn't have had a more tenuous experience. if there's a threat of me going crazy about anything, it'll be because of the healthcare system, first and foremost. McDonald's chickens, Alaskan whales, and our prized celebrity's baby names receive more attention and acknowledgement than our own health and welfare. as a tried and true american i am force-fed, to neglect all intellect and self respect for the sake of my superiors, as listed above. humanity no longer calls itself human. it is a suffocation that creeps up on you, the reason that, possibly, andy couldn't stand 'finding neverland.' because we are incapable of appreciating, even the nothing we live in, the nothing we live for. the nothing that's been given to us, that we chose to accept. the lack of concern for others, the explosive desire for "my rights" to be heard and legislated. a motivation warped by immorality, but worse. a hundred thousand bb guns going off piercing my eyes and heart.

and at this point in the early afternoon i'm not as mad as i was. this is a timid attempt at trashing existence, hope and the american dream. do you realize that no matter where you are, who you try it with, how much you fight, democracy is difficult to pull off? i'm not even able to pull democracy off in myself, much less lead others. so why are we so angry at g.w.b for the war in iraq. we're at war in our own country over how to conduct true democracy. it wouldn't matter who was president. no one could convince me otherwise that bush/kerry has an upper hand, sovereign knowledge. what happened to taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, words, and thoughts? why do you need a government?

i will be a hypocrite, that is without question. one thing i have learned is that i am guilty of making my own rules and breaking my own rules. to me that's the purest fruition of freedom.

today my issues are: (in the so called news)

burt and ernie are gay along with spongebob and dora the explorer.

selling adopted children back to the country they came from.

divorce

suicidal self centered trainwrecks (literally)

conda rice: what has your secretary of state done for you lately?

health insurance companies, drug manufacturing companies, drug companies, drug company funded grants/foundations for 'their' drug replacement programs, medicare

BSIDE:
tomorrow is a free jairus show @ tbones. yeehaw. there's a free dj for and hr show at the nation of cat's house every night.

got a beautiful little sweater in the mail from hillary that'll be making into something: pillow, purse or eden poncho maybe.


thanks moocho hill, if you're out there reading my mumbo gumbo.

this weekend i'll be compiling the trade for you, hill and hope.

purr-fect paper

never shall i slumber. i may not be an origami master, but surely i'm a paper warrior. last night i couldn't sleep at all and i gave up television's reality for the miraculous machine. "your life is a blessing." i have had amazing success with the paint chips and feel the piece coming together. i set aside my painting and felt the need to sew the night away. i think i may have irritated my neighbor above or he has heavy feet. my machine is so small but on the counter it must vibrate a bit. after working with stitches i never want to go back to the sticky, mark making glue. the monochromatic shades of blue and green paint chips with yellow and light green stitches. how amazing. i have never done anything like this before and have been waiting for this day.

when i finally decided to go to bed, i ended up tossing and turning for an hour. all the while projects swarming around my mind's eye. a little over a year ago i went to jazzy junk on rossville blvd with my aunt. i was fortunate enough to find an old taffy box full of even older black and white photos, a hundred at least and for only twelve dollars. what an amazing find, a fantastic medium, but i couldn't think of a way to utilize them. i originally thought of creating a family tree out of them and very nearly organized them chronologically. it was a wonderful task, taking time to inspect facial features and pencil scrawled notes around the edges. suddenly before drifting off i thought of sewing a family tree together. i'd love to use silver thread and possibly do a tree design. if a tree doesn't work out i'll do a simple square and sew the tree, with leaves and such over the photos, in corners. i think it sounds like a suitable next project.

collage with paper is limitless. i don't think i'll ever run out of material. hey guys, martha stewart is having a huge sale, 70% off. i took a looksy, very picked over but a few things maybe of interest. someone told me that the magazine will be ending. does anyone know if that is true or not. i'm too this way in denial to research.



valentines is right around the corner too. oooh can't wait.

remembering mae

.

transistor with dj for an hour

i am fiending for new and improved photos, i've taken them, but they are floating in the camera. i also have got to get to the north chattanooga playground at night to take some photos. last night i should of, but it was way to cold and tonight is julia's home. so maybe later on this week i'll have an opening.

last night i was ultra-successful at sewing at least fifty odd paint chips together in a semi-quilt design. rally round the europro. it's a trooper of a machine. handling several widths of paper and my pulling, pushing, unpracticed hand. i couldn't take a nap last night after work. my nerve endings were fragmented from work, as usual. i had had an interesting discussion with one of my coworkers and it left me feeling peeked and faint from the mental exertion and emotional pentup-ness. i am not an experienced billing/insurance person. i don't want to do things the same way they've always been done. i don't have direction or support. there is no accountability and i will make some off the wall decisions. but i do feel i am a rookie and that there is too much for me to learn in a day. i feel that i am expected to know things that there's really no way in hell i could have known. oh well. i will prepare to leave when all is well with the software. i know that i keep saying that but it's oh so very true. no one can stop me. hahahaha...

i've got to keep in mind that all will be fine in the end. with cvs around the corner and feeling more and more hopeful about 4Bridges. everyday i consider the possiblilities of having an acceptance letter. oh and back the paint chip quilt. it is absolutely beautiful. i'm debating a yellow threaded sunshine or something less realistic. this past weekend i got good deal of advice from my friend phillip about the painting i was working on. i didn't go to church on sunday and kept hunting up solutions for the painting. finally by midnight i was eager to hang it and let it get cold for a while. too much energy was passing right through it and all that was sticking was the negative moves. so it's ahangin'. and i like it but it does need more sprucing and tweaking.

i ended up having an after party for andrew stewart at my house on saturday evening, which turned out to be a blast. i'm thinking that if the 4Bridges doesn't come together i may have my own exhibit opening in my own home. advertise the selling of art, send out invites et cetera et cetera. would you come? and did you know that i have more cards for sale. you'll have to trust me on their looks. eventually i'll have a photo up of them. but seriously boys and girls there's enough to go around. thank you for your continued prayers. i feel the uplifting hands of god around my heart and mind each day.

of goldfish and frost

i keep meaning to get here and yesterday i was, but in an instant my perfectly good blog disappeared in a server disconnect. you all have had the same exact problem at one point or another, so there is no need for me to go into my sheer frustration and disappointment.

in other news i am discovering the newest challenges and embracing them. i had quite a nice weekend and here i am again about to enjoy another. friday evening, was my joan of Arcadia night, as usual. i am snarling because i saw previews for next week and the show will feature hillary duff (the puff). teeniebopper heaven. saturday was incredible, i spent the day painting and added the next two canvases to the original two. i worked again last night and i am finding the light at the end of the tunnel. ah guys i really think it is going to be a beautiful piece, but i am still concerned about framing it when all is said and done. i have a couple of ideas, but we shall see. i need a good healthy critique though and i asked my art student friend if he'd be willing to help. i am still waiting, almost impatiently to hear word from AVA regarding the 4Bridges. i wish the wait hadn't been this prolonged. it's a huge fest and i understand that the jurors need time, but my god i had to have the slides in, back on november 19, 2004. after i finish this painting i'm off on a new idea, actually i've gotten a couple. i started a quilt of paper, two actually and i hope to have those finished soon. i also want to finish my clipboard paintings and i have my cards and a box collage.

holy matrimony, a list would be helpful, but not today.

i also have been blessed to be invited to an all female bible study on tuesday evenings. ah i think it is going to be incredible. we are going to study jerry bridges trusting god. i am so excited and feel that i've been asking or desiring something like this for a very long time. i have been in small groups before and felt dissatisfied. i believe the all female thing is really going to provide relational stability and guidance. i also hope to hear new things, learn new things and pray for others like never before. i am so thankful for my coworker/friend carolyn "in the city," she's the one who has the friend julia who is leading the study. julia is forty five years old, never been married, lives alone, craftsy and artsy, psycho-therapist @ valley. moved around a thousand times. and was called by god to come to chattanooga to minister to her sister.

even if i am a small goldfish i'm not going to let the size of my bowl prevent me from becoming a bigger goldfish. i'm looking forward to making my way through these times. my break up with jas is still prevalent in my mind and on my heart. our distance may help us in the end, but overall it is difficult to let go. sometimes it is easier than others. i am confident of my choices and decision. i know that god wants for the me the desires of my heart and that a husband and children are not wrong for me to want. i also know that god wants me to have financial peace and restitution with those whom i owe moolah to. i know that god's will for my life is brighter than my view of my future. i know and believe in his ultimate plan for my life. use me lord for your glory. i have many things to look forward to.

josiah's second birthday, a trip to new jersey to see the grandparentals and the development of relationships through the bible study. Hooray. and possible snow. please i want to see the snow. frost isn't going to cut it.

button bounty

i was reminded by the button bounty that i myself have, as i was looking at hillary lang's new collection. i've never done anything extremely creative with my buttons except for pile them all in a very large vase. it took me forever one evening to separate them all by color and place them from white/clear to black in the vase. i'd love to attach the buttons somehow to my cards, but so far i've not figured out a clean way of sewing paper. i was practicing regularly but had to put the europro away for sunday afternoon dinner with the fam.

tomorrow i decided to take a vacation day. i need the day to take care of the rest of my financial obligations. i won't be sleeping in, but i may have the opportunity later in the afternoon to get a concrete part time job. today has been difficult facing the odds and ends. tying up the corners. i talked with two different cvs managers and they don't seem to have anything open immediately. i'm going by the parentals tonight and i should stop by the rivermont and bilo cvs just to fill out applications. i'm not the waitress type and i think i'm fairly over the babysitting. it doesn't make enough money. unfortunately. i'm hoping and praying that i get into 4Bridges, the wait is killing me. i've got probably 90 cards to sell, but i really must perfect the stitch.

but i do have one note of good news. my mom asked me if i wanted to go up to new jersey in february to visit my nana specifically, but i hope to see mommom and pops, uncle robert and shelly. i'm looking forward to a short vaca to the north. peterpan bakery here i come. yummy.

noelle

noelle alexander christmas 2004

this morning as usual i woke up at quarter o' eight and made a pot of 10% blended kona coffee. i was watching katie couric, flipping between her with school children and diane sawyer in sri lanka. michael moore was with katie this morning talking, blubbering, bemoaning the democratic blight. for the last two months moore has spent his time in the media complaining that the democrats 'have got to find "their arnold".' i find michael moore to be disgusting, not because of his films or because of his political poisonings, but because he should run for president. because he should find the path of least resistance and rescue himself. moore seems to be shaming the democratic party lines. his words are just as familiar as kerry's. it's as though moore thinks the political scene is a forum for his maniacal ranting and raving. most of what he said this morning was unintelligent. the suggestion that tom hanks, oprah winfrey or hillary should run for president is rather a degrading remark to the united states citizens. he must think we all, democrats and republicans alike, are just plain retarded. it is continuously frustrating for me to hear and view people on television who think of themselves as having a voice for the nation. jas once told me that bernie mac got on television and said that "speaking for me and my people g.w. bush is not worth voting for..." i'm not so sure the quote is necessarily word for word but the idea that one man could stand up and speak for his people that way, and get away with it... if i were a black man, whether i agreed with bernie mac or not, i would say, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF! so i'm saying, "SPEAK FOR YOURSELF MOORE!"

i appreciate his political documentaries, but getting on TODAY with ole katie doesn't speak volumes. try running moore. try running moore.

oh well katie couric makes me sick anyway. what do i expect? i'm interested in keeping up with the political scene, though it has dried up considerably post election stay-tus. last night though i got out to hobby lobby for paint. i need paint so badly and fortunately for me it was forty percent off the regular cheaper price. i also bought some different kind of origami paper and learned how to make a cute little basket. so now i'm off from the workforce thinking about evening projects.

oh if only

i was just skipping around the www, checking and rechecking out all of my favorites when to my gleeful surprise i found every-single-day an amazing quilt artist's blog and site. i was scrolling through some of her archives and came across this photo of an incredible quilt.. can you believe it? i have been wanting to make collages out of paper, sewing together the bits and pieces, but staying with my whole pixelated thing.
more from melanie below.


this is a book that i got at blueskies before christmas. it reminded me of the griffin and sabine trilogy by nick bantock. and a little of being john malkovich.
i think you may enjoy the art and ideas of ">postal seance: a scientific investigation into the possibility of a postlife postal existence. authored by henrik drescher.



look at all the cool stuff you get, stickers and stuff at the end of the book. horray!

more work from angry woebot too.


oh if only i had a domain
oh if only i had a chain
oh if only i had a vein
oh if only i had a crane
oh if only i had a drain
oh if only i had a pain
oh if only i had a plane
oh if only i had a spain
oh if only i had a gain
oh if only i had a cane
oh if only i had a lane
oh if only i had a...

babysitting blunders

.

right before xmas i was busy babysitting, now the secretive shopping, office parties, and sunday morning brunches are over, so there's no need for me. i've decided by the process of elimination that getting another part time job might be the solution to my small financial margin. it will have to be the solution. honestly i have no other choice unless of course i begin to sell all of my belongings on the sidewalk. i'm not interested in ebay nor is babysitting, or my art a stable supplement. i went last night to cvs to fill out an application. i worked at cvs for three years as a pharmacy tech and shift manager about three and half years ago. i enjoyed the work but when my present job opened up to me, my sister n law and mother really pushed me to make this move. i am so thankful that i overcame the fear and applied. i am hoping that this part time thing will indeed work out and i won't have to struggle as much financially.

i have not fiercely approached my finances and my dad has agreed to help hold me accountable. it has always been a struggle for me even after giving much prayer and thought towards the difficulty. i believe that god has been merciful with me in this primary situation, but i also know that i should be obeying and submitting. i have felt alone in this area for many many years. i have thought that having a spouse might resolve the issue, but alas i am without a prospect in that area. i know that god desires ultimate financial peace and that he doesn't want me to put my faith in the immediate gratification of spending. i have blundered in my own inability and have no one else to blame but myself. until i moved into the grand and had a brand new car i didn't have as much of a struggle, but now i am without extra moolah to help me. this is definitely a new year of learning and growing. i am no longer able to avoid or deny adulthood, nor do i want to. i think i find myself so often in libo. i am solo, and in a profession, but have not got the family thing going on. i am grateful for all that i have and more. i am in a great position to do a whole lot, but there are other things that i want to share and enjoy.

i know my feelings are commonly and familiar to some of those out there. i honestly have not one thing to complain about. i am encouraged by what i see in my life and have no reason to live in shame. i will take off, i will leave the legacy, i will not bow to negative thoughts about my life and what i am doing. i will trust and obey, simply.

coin operated

we usually get so many gift baskets at work right before the holidaze that i end up feeling like a "starving overeater." every once in a while a nice basket is sent with fruit and muffins, tins of cookies and chocolate and 'gourmet' lemon poppy seed cheese thingys. i was fortunate to snag this beautiful pear, a treasure when ripe.

on tuesday night i went to lamar's with m.k.d, when i got home i felt ill and fell out of bed and busted my face on my nightside table. so on wednesday i felt completely horrible so i called in sick at work. thursday was a scheduled half day so i worked with a very swollen lip. its been a very embarrassing experience. but i know it was an accident too. thursday evening was a night with the parentals. and friday was new years eve, but i decided to spend the evening at home. i went and helped my brother ethan clean his office space. in the evening i watched wilco's documentary by sam jones, i am trying to break your heart. i thought the second dvd with extra/internal features was more entertaining than the actual film, but very informative, considering i didn't know what kind of crisis the band had been in with reprise records.

new years day i woke up early. i went to eat with k. knutson at sticky fingers, then we went and saw closer. the movie as i understood prior to seeing, was not entertaining. interesting and brutally honest, but probably not that realistic. i liked that it was originally a play and so the scenes were longer and filled with dialogue. poor natalie portman, poor julia, poor jude, poor other dude. if i were to act in a movie like closer or even eyes wide shut (which i've never seen), i think my personal life would suffer. i don't think i could immerse myself in a role so diluted for months on end and know how to be in a intimate relationship. its no wonder that celebrities fall apart.

one thing i do want to mention here at the beginning of the new year is a interest my mom has exposed me to. you may hate george w. bush but his council on bioethics is interesting no matter what. my mom got the 'beyond therapy (enhancement)' part. i guess you can order the discussions in book form off the site. i'm not scared, but based on my beliefs, there are issues that are underlying that have nothing to do with the war, abortion, healthcare, welfare or whose smarter. i'm sorry as i enter this new year i'm not interested in dehumanizing humanity by supporting, cloning, life extension, mood control, memory erasing, et cetera. it's worth looking at seriously. i've not even spent any real time looking but i know what i see that's already going on.