on being orphaned

i worked this past weekend and neglected to get a speck of laundry done. this morning reminded that i have stampin' up tonight. tuesday dinner with m.c. and cousin katie for her birthday. increased hours at cvs rx. working wednesday, thursday and friday night. might take an over night to see a on sunday. will be going shopping in atlanta with my sisters in law on monday. the days and weeks are so so full. awgh!
i finished putting together my things for the valentine swap. i tried to hustle with hope of getting it out on time. i even got my very first cross stitched heart finished. i was going to send it, but decided to change things up at the last minute. i know who i'm giving my heart to this year. all that i have left to check off my list is well a whole bunch of things for sure. but i'm still diligently working on my package for nina. things are coming together in a very special way.

i am wondering* my last post was really about my heart and my mind being in the same place. being that deep about anything specific isn't really something i like to post about but it had just happened on thursday morning last week. i was not discouraged before nor was i lost in my art before. i have been feeling very productive in the last view months and my reaction to the morning study on thursday was purely emotional. it wasn't all about making art for me. it was about being me-cat.

as a single woman-girl-daughter-sister-friend. i have gone through different phases. it is really very different, being all alone. i don't write alot about my feelings on the matter because it doesn't matter all the time. there isn't one thing anyone can do to change my view of being single. it doesn't matter how social or unsocial i am. it doesn't matter how much i know or don't know. it doesn't matter how much i try. *these are/have been some of my thoughts: is there something wrong with my personality, am i too strong, am i too short, is my butt too big, am i intimidating, are men actually the weaker species, do i want to be married, do i really need to have children:to have children, am i a better person because i am unattached, do i have a closer relationship with christ:less of a chance that a hu{man} can come between myself and my maker. should i just put out on the first date, and the list could go on.

imagine coming home from working 9-5 and 6-9 to an empty apartment. sometimes it is good, i mean really good. the quiet is incredible, the peace and rest is overwhelming. i do not have to share. i do not have to respect-respect myself-learning to take care of my physical being. i do not have to bow-submit-discipline. except handling my finances every day becomes a hassle, handling the cleaning, the eating, the daily habits, the character issues that arise are just a little harder to get at because there isn't a husband to point it out. don't get me wrong, there is mom and kate, jen and matt, even m.c. and laurie and my brother aaron: these people keep me. i'm reminded of the path, my goodness.

i'm not going to be a better person if i all of a sudden get married and start having kids. if i get married i'm not all of a sudden going to start making art that sells all over the place, i'm not going to start making art that i really want to show in galleries. i am not going to start being wealthy, i'm not going to just all of a sudden be happier. i'm not all of a sudden going to have "it". having a man to validate big huge portions of my life would be nice, but it's not necessary for breath, nor true living, or simple faith and hope. being married isn't even a command and yet if i'm in a room of a lot a lot of married couples i feel like i might just disappear. the study on thursday, really simply reminded my of how really dear i am to my creator. her words reminded me of my gifts, my talents, my depth and my offerings. it reminded that whether i am single or married i may often feel orphaned. whether i have children or not i may always need maternal validity. i remembered that persceptions of me aren't always truth, fact, or even important and that i am god's daughter, adopted by him, invited into his home, called to obey him first-no matter what.

there's no need for you all to worry. i appreciate your thoughts, love and prayers, but nothing is wrong. i am exactly where i am supposed to be. and i didn't mean to convey a spirit of sadness, i meant to have expressed this, this way^. that's all.

inspite:wait loss

the day before yesterday my mother told me that an artist we both know, who happens to host a weekly bible study on thursday mornings in her home, would be speaking about her one month voyage away from home at the vermont art center. an early morning invitation.

but, waking up at five thirty in the morning is a hassle (excuse), and in my mind a nightmare. a potential waste of time, waking before the sun has yet to greet us. a world around me has so little to offer me but sleep that early in the morning. all because i have been habitually making acquaintances with one a.m. and her little sister one thirty. "you won't regret it", my mother suggestively said, persuaded i went. this morning in greyness.

a severe warmth and comfort welcomed me, quiet voices of women and the smell of a coffee fortune. though i forewent, according to the mumbles of an already acidic stomach. a low fire buring, the stroke of eight a.m. hidden tears with knowledge and awareness tumbling, low beneath my bowed head. for fear of spilling out a tremendous wave of emotion. i was there to support, i thought proudly. oh how i terribly mislead myself, too often to count.

how do i begin, i'd rather leave it all alone, and forget.

i must resist the temptation, i must tell, bare witness to the work of the holy spirit through one artist's words, her journal, her fear, her humility and not all of that but christ jesus alone. my god. to believe. some might say moments like mine, this morning are magical. magic is not real, the act of magic is performance, and what i experienced was real. no authority stands to derive some over simplified summary of our being there. no judgement, no throne to which one is chosen to sit, pontificate and ressurect our conscience mind. my heart gave out. i knew, called out of my weakness i should be there. vunerable, defenseless i had to be there, to be lifted. words flowed. in the midst of great darkness there is light and gratitude. in the midst of brokeness there is peace and validation. she an artist, like me, like her, we find solitude to be a comfort. branching out is without a doubt the most difficult aspect of my life. it isn't just about branching out, it is about the act of opening all kinds of doors, submission, "talking about my art", my words, her words.

all i want in my life is more time, more time, more time. please. i need an almighty god to give me just a little tiny bit more time to make art. art and making art is one of my number one loves. a little bit more time to be a better daughter, a better friend, a wife, a mother, a sister. look he has already given. i am entirely tirelessly grateful for my mother, for my father, for "big e", m.c., aaron & laurie, smoore and emoore, for the three littlest boys:caleb,liam, and sam (who we love and will welcome when they get here). grateful beyond words for katie, jen, matt, andrea, hannah (her words on looking up), josiah, coworkers: amp, linda, gh, and carolyn in the city.

***i will never know enough, my words will always fall short of the exact thought or express emotion i had. my intellect fails me when faced with college graduates, my faith falters before the fevered. my spirit shrinks between insecurity and self doubt and "if i were all that dark inside there would actually be no place for christ". meditation: to free ones mind of thought and focus on the thought. i shall not. god has given me my breath and i will focus on my life. funny how i am worse than i think and it is because of jesus, and yes because of my deep need to know him that i accept him in. everyday. we all need validation, a balance (the breath of life) between what we think of ourselves and what others we know think of us. jesus must be my everything.

how can i resolve? there is no resolve, but rest is waiting for me in jesus. resolve is to remove myself from the discussion or battle. how many come to the perfect point where all is well, where we feel loved, needed, wanted, and validated one hundred percent of the time. is there a reason to give up in the face of late nights? in the face of financial stress, artistic block walls, relationship requirements:expectations? believers often throw up their hands, surrender, resolve, make laws they think they can keep inorder to win the losing battle. inspite of myself i will be thankful.

when i left at ten til nine i cried with my mother by our cars in the grey coldness. cried out at the beauty, to the wordless moments to warm us. melt our hearts and minds. a bend in the road, there is no more waiting, a focus, a reverse of thought and reminder of god's severe mercies, grace and love.

steal my idea

yesterday i felt like the left side of my neck was buldging, a tumor, a lymphnode, an alien creature growing, whatever the thought. this morning it is all about the way i slept the night before last. today there is only a blurry ache, not so much a knot or buldge. i will always try to shake off nagging fear, ward off the dangers of hypochondria, and pull up boot straps. i hold on to double standards when it comes to my health, as you have noticed.

last night i finished up one more thing that i will be sending to nina and to j. i jumped head first into mailorder number five-when i saw the sewing project a bit of glee overwhelmed me. i had not cross stitched in such a long time that the opportunity has swooped me up, i'm loving it. while sitting in the warmth, drinking hot tea for fear of getting sick, i thought of graffiti style cross stitching...oh yeah!!! can you imagine? have you heard of such a thing? i haven't, only knitted graffiti. all i need to do is get my hands on a some black:dark material, draw up some of my very own graffiti and wha-la!!! you're welcome to steal this, probably not, my idea-as there is no such thing as original-right?

and because today is tuesday, self portrait, blah. and i'm not in the know as to the theme for february. but i know one thing for sure. i have been working to wear make up every single day. talk about a self portrait challenge. i carry tissue, black eye linear, and have become very used to the idea of pressed powder. i also may look in the mirror more than i used too. considering by the end of the day, if i'm not careful, i've got dark black circles under my eyes, as the eye makeup has slowly made it's way down my face. oh geez, are you disgusted?

anyway. please. look. here. this is totally neato! afterall, how do you feel?

flea market:beehive tree {revealed!!!}

flash boom bang!!! without further todo, i present this, the flea market:beehive tree. i finally finished it up last night, with some fear of failing, fear of ruining it all with too much, too many dots, too much fuss and fumble. it all came together pretty well and i'm really happy now to be moving on. so much relief. i'm going to take a break from the tree movement for a bit, to pick up cross stitching my mailorder, putting together nina's package, and kristen's package, and well, i want to do a series of six paper quilt collage pieces. i have yet to begin...although i have ideas abrewing.

*now do you remember the bicycle on this piece
and i must say without one doubt that it has been good to take a little break from phantomcrimes. although i couldn't keep from posting a little bit {i cannot resist sufjan stevens any longer}. my addiction to blogging is strange and often prohibits me from reality of sorts. in addition there are so many things i long to express here but would not want to distract from sharing my art. my art brings me so much strength and i'd rather not always run amok with the depravity i often feel about, for one, being very single. awh the words vomit out of my mouth, off the ends of my fingertips. what tragedy and drama-to create is rather satisfying, and contrary to what people do say about artists in general, creating for me doesn't feel as self centered. even though it is a very individual-solo sort of activity. making the kind of art that i do brings me a deep sense of comfort and security unlike anything in my life. i often look at the art i've made and think it holds some kind of mystery that i am not even privy to solve-uncover. as a matter of fact no one has ever taken the time to ask me what i think my art means. so there the mystery lies, i suppose. i have come to call my trees, my growing forest of thought, reflection, relaxation and resolve. i also have loved my phantomcrimes, this familytree represents, i am solo, but a growing family awaits me. my tree spreads, using light, drinking beauty up through it's roots. and so i motion for you to follow me, be inspired, be lifted up, be moved to create. and remember that breaking is important, valuable, and just as satisfying as being creative. rest=contentment=thankfulness=joy.

.single.one.sole.

fairly new cards are now up for sale in my etsy shop!!! only four bucks a card!!! i've got three more designs to post so keep and eye out. take care.

the spirit of

When the revenant came down
We couldn't imagine what it was
In the spirit of three stars
The alien thing that took its form
Then to Lebanon Oh, God
The flashing at night, the sirens grow and grow
Oh, history involved itself
Mysterious shade that took its form
Or what it was, incarnation
Three stars Delivering signs and
dusting from their eyes

Sufjan Stevens

apple eyes

i have been overwhelmed with a thousand thoughts, tending a garden of ideas and projects, beehive trees, and "must-send" packages. i stumbled last night, pleasantly, in an hour long conversation with my mother. i'm often caught in a spider web of negative thinking, it is impossible to not feel one hundred percent better after blabbing innocently with a best friend like my mom, though. our friendship grows more mutual, more relaxed and positive as the years go by. i am without a doubt more thankful than ever before for mom. her story is different from mine, having had three children at the age of twenty five, never having lived alone as i have, but facing the same struggles. she reminds me of the love i need to share, give and consider. and she is open, transparent, fearless and less insecure. so i have justified, calling her was the best thing i could have done last night.

i wish that i had more to show and tell about. i'm not eager to give as much away at this point (beehive tree) maybe next week i'll show more work in progress. i will be honest i am discouraged about selling art via etsy. i am not complaining though. it is not as though i haven't ever sold my work before, afterall i just made two fifty on "one growth", and my brother and l.c love it. that's not looking a gift horse in the mouth is it? i am open to showing-exhibiting, i just don't have time to nor the quantity of work i'd like to submit. my work is still unifying itself, i'm learning anew. how do other artists actually paint the same thing over and over? i have never been that way and find it hard to stick with my trees. i can say though, that the practice isn't there yet, and i still have joy in the midst of my garden of trees. it is a growing forest.

i think i may take a break from phantomcrimes for a while, not sure yet.

the life of my weekend

1.
saturday morning: 9:11 a.m. before the pickup. took a small daytrip to atlanta (roswell) with jen to the dick blick. happy purchase of gel medium, modpodge, and origami paper.





2.

saturday evening: 7:31 p.m. at the TENshow. highlights included: the large light fixture, graphic design, music by j.d., meeting new friends, seeing my brother at the end.








3.

saturday evening: even later 11:30 p.m. at the pickle barrel: after party. catch up. gathering and reunion. highlights included: seeing old friends, talking with old friends, laughing with old friends. playing with my canon.








4.

sunday morning: early 1:00 a.m. at lamar's: the after after party continues. highlights included: joel's spontaneous dancing, good music, random christmas lights, soft couch, warmth. times with friends.









5.

sunday afternoon: 2:00 p.m. family dinner after time at calvary. highlights included: good vegetarian meal, family love, warm and cozy couch, helpful conversation with suzanne, white kitchen photo opp.





6. WIP

a mother's gift

to be all things with all the love she can possibly muster up the strength to have.

on target now:etsy sale too!

i reserved the temptation to pick up these wooden chinese dolls at target last night. when i went to gateway with my aunt a couple of weekend's back, i saw and picked up a wooden doll that was similar to these but taller and unpainted {i didn't purchase it either}. i should have bought that one, it seemed older and less manufactured.

i have put almost all of my art up for sale on etsy. i mean discounted prices, almost all of them are half off the original asking price. i also have put two of my paper quilt collage pieces up for sale both the fish and the robot. the blue bird paper quilt is not for sale because i do not own it anymore.

here are a list of of pieces and they're original:sale price.

1. Crimepays: was $200.00 now $100.00 (black gallery frame)
2. Poison Tree: was $400.00 now $250.00
3. Der Hund: was $150.00 now $100.00 (black gallery frame)
4. Recycled Air: was $400.00 now $275.00 (black frame/matted white)

if you have any questions please feel free to contact me. have a good weekend and take care you guys.

shape of tree

between the shape of a tree there are planes of color and my imagination. i have begun anew to pick up the old yellow bicycle piece, to recover, recycle, reuse, renew the once started, left behind piece. to pursue the path of yet another tree. i have no earthly idea what will come of this go. all that i have to offer at this point are my shapes, the simple lines, the beehive base of my new tree trunk.

about a week ago i started reading ahab's wife written by sena jeter naslund. i have made my way through it, learning and seeing through Una's {the main character's} eyes and life. i have never read anything by naslund and am interested to know if you, any of my lurking readers, have indeed. it occurs to me now as i write that the last couple of books i have read have been set near or around the water, sea or ocean. sailing and sailors, stars and ships afloating, cold air and winds that take you're breath away and tear at the corners of your eyes. i'm ready for the cold weather and wish it would hurry up and get here. i am more than eager to see the death of a lingering warmth here in the south. i hope so for a snow, a cold bitter snow to kill all of the bad things. i haven't even needed to run my heat and cannot for the life of me imagine living in a warmer climate year round. oh the poor oranges and avocados.

i have been going a bit fluttery about a few things:

1. in love with these lily cards from ISAK

2. sharing my books means: cuckoo bookplates

3. help me! who doesn't need this: owl notepad

in addition: if you are in the area being that of chattanooga, my brother aaron pleasantly informed me that wendell berry will be a speaker with the southern literature conference. mark your calendars!

caleb.collage.&.one by one

my hours at the rx are being cut back to about twelve per week and so hopefully i'll have a whole lot more to cross off my list. i had to work this weekend and didnt' find as much time to get things finished. i did however finally finish bitter water {pretending/posturing tree}. i had only a few more touches to make. i added some small stamped lettering and a few more touches of white as well as a full coverage of modpodge. i wasn't feeling the "hot" aspect of the painting and so there isn't going to be much more red or orange. maybe next time around. i started tracing out the shapes for my next tree. i have the canvas ready to go, now it's just getting the shapes going. i started a project with the buttons i received from nina last week. not exactly a button wreath. more like a button "ball". doesn't sound cool does it? i also did the doodle, a little drawing of my soon to be nephew caleb. my love for him is growing every day. i cannot wait to see him and meet him. i know that by his first halloween he won't be standing or even walking but i was drawing more from a stream of conscience. nothing as specific. i also went to see 'we are marshall' over the weekend with my dad. umm. i'll have to get back with some sort of review. i enjoy "man-ish" sortof films, football is fun to watch and play, this is a sad very true depiction of this story, and that's it for now.

WIP:pretending/posturing tree:bitter water

i am terribly sorry about the long, overly descriptive title of this post. i have no idea why i feel it necessary to include every bit of this painting's title, quite ridiculous, isn't it. considering i usually have a very difficult time with titles, this one came about, a very big no brainer. i'm really excited about the progress i have made. knowing the work on this tree is coming quickly to an end. the last few details are on the table and i probably just need one or two more free nights to complete it. i took a huge break over the holidays, all the way back to thanksgiving, because my family was coming over and i had several holiday projects underway that this painting seriously took a back seat. no more!!!

i am starting off the year exactly the way i looked forward to. last night i finished the second {very small & quick} read of the year. david sedaris' "holiday on ice." so unlike the last book i read, this one is very different, quite opposite and jaw-cringing. despite. afterall, i am fond of taking turns in my reading. i tend to read a couple of books by the same author in a row, then move on. i read "me talk pretty one day" by sedaris, last year and enjoyed it, as embellished truth, not complete fiction. these books have very raw tendencies that tend to make you want to cringe. sometimes so sarcastic, so painful that i had to question whether i should ever read something of sedaris' again. although i'm sure i will because i'm totally interested in barrel fever and naked. but the reviews speak to his irreverent verbage and off the wall collection of thoughts-stories. his six christmas stories remind me of how angry i was in highschool, how desperate i was to be free and rid myself of the norm. i am not sure if this book has any redemptive qualities, it is thought provoking and if you're like me; you'll enjoy the writing style and word choice, sentence structure is so nice. as i read i often tend to attempt to copy the writing style of the author. awh what a dork. that is my review.

bside: the little red mailorder envelope arrived yesterday{big thank you to amy!!!}. slide beneath my apartment door awaiting my anticipation and glee!!! i am going to try an tackle several things in january.

a. instead of a button wreath; i've got a styrofoam ball and i think it might be nice to make a large button ball to hang in a hallway arch...

b. i'm going to finish pretending/posturing tree:bitter water^

c. complete this WIP

d. enter this exhibit and benefit, but first find out what the deadline is. i know i'll enter my fish and robot

e. send nina a package of cool vintage things

f. begin to collect and eventually send a valentine package

g. work on the cross stich and other projects in mailorder #5

meanwhile will continue to walk everyday, eat right and cut back on the s.m.o.k.e. my january 2007 looks full but i'm willing to try for it. why not?

outages

there have been scheduled outages all day today and so i've been taking advantage of the time and actually working. you may think i'm a squirm for blogging while on work time but i've done it since the beginning and no one here has a problem with it. is it ethical? well. if everyone is doing it than the rules are changing right? and if i'm getting my work done, i mean really getting it done, not lying here. or fudging the facts than who is it hurting?

this past weekend was insane at the creative discovery museum and sunday i spent the day with my aunt at gateway. we walked through the entire place, taking three hours to catch up with the merch. i did find a few little things which i will try and share in the next couple of days. i also received a sweet swap package from nina with all kinds of fun goodies, can't wait to show you all!

show & tell:vote

**very special goebel birds**

the most important thing that i have to mention...in a very sheepish sort of way, is that it is again time for bloggies 2007.

every year i love seeing who has {won} in the varied catagories. it is an exciting way to find new writers, new artists, humor, and the daily life of someone else like me across the globe.
i have been blogging for quite a long long time and have very few readers, that i know of. with some definite pride i think i've got a very nice thing going on here. i feel comfortable in this niche'. i have often thought about writing less and posting more photos. i've wondered about the art i post or the lack thereof. i have wondered about how our society seems to create cliques even on the great www. i feel i fit in some sort of clique here, even though i am not sure how or when or why. at times it has boggled my mind at how people have come across phantomcrimes. and certainly sitemeter has changed my views on blogging. i have found that people search for the most outrageous and sometimes rather hilarious things, and so haphazardly find phantomcrimes.

someone actually was searching for "artist sh*t paint", which led them here. someone else must've been actually feeling the terrible weather we were having yesterday, their depressing search "glummy Sunday music", led them here. oh brother, i really do love this, this process we have going on, throwing out our thoughts, like target shooting almost. looking back i have found blogging to be one of the most rewarding things, aside from actually painting and making art, i've ever pursued. fellow bloggers feel the same exact way, i read about the community and unity almost everyday! i have met and followed several for so long it is second nature. i continue blogging for the sake of family and friends but also to share with the anonymous, and give something, even it is really little, back. i have done so many different swaps i remember my very first with hilary from weewonderfuls. it was so thrilling to get mae in the mail!!!

well i say all this to get you all to vote if you'd like for phantomcrimes or maybe you'd rather vote for one of my dear blogging friends>see my teansy blog role to the right. it isn't really about winning for me, it's about knowing and being involved in this great community.

and look at the crap i posted last year...unga bunga!!! how embarassing:)

weigh of the evening

i felt like crawling into a cup of hot coffee last night when i returned home from the pharmacy, but instead found the stale nestle cocoa in my cramped cabinet. an incredible pile of wrinkled but dry clothes lay in the middle of the apartment living space...

listening in

now i am falling behind to listen more closely. to give myself a little bit more time to catch up and gain lost momentum. i started painting again, every night since the new year began. the brush caught up with a little hint of transparent yellow{christmas gift via matt}, the excuse is a cover-up.

i will ready myself, to tarnish my own name for the sake of my friends, throw the first wave of attack and bank myself on the shore of fantastic {may i be bold and say superior} art making-anti gallery-anit fest participating in chattanooga. there should be a call for boycott, a call to the fringe, a better competent exclaimation of why and how. you may ask, where is my respect? my sincerity? awh but it is a blur. there are no official rejections!!! there are holy causes, mysteries pursuits, talent beyond reason, let your hearts not be broken let them rise up and rejoice! for we are, united we stand rejected. it is not all asham but a creepy pasture of questions that shouldn't be asked until you aren't painting anymore. yes and more yes. there is room enough for us all to grow and learn and i don't doubt the meaning of it all, but i for one will not stand to let my friends be discouraged in a city where there isn't any urban, "where's the graffiti?", and no sight of pushing the envelope and the lack of respect for collage as fine art. the end. the answer is in us not in the monopoly, the who's who in art in chattanooga. my goodness she's gotten funding:winner! doesn't that count for something? in my book it does so very much.

i will stop. besides kate and jen are probably already sick of my rantings...

bsides: i finished my first book of the year. even though i started it in 2006, i'm going to count it and eventually put it up on my sidebar, so that i might be reminded of my reading accomplishments and commitment to more. now it's on to this one> book number two for 2007. here i come.

i didn't break down and have a cigarette until 5pm yesterday.

fight to hold

while the intensity of revival, blossom, rebirth and red are on the tip of my tongue. i'd bargain a chance meeting with rest, comfort, thankfulness and peace. the little greenthumb i have has never cared for an orchid before. it is indeed a new subject line inwhich to write. an out of focus rehearsal of capture the flag of fight. fight for holding on to the spirit. fight for growth. fight for the lights attention, for dry winter warmth. to live with ambition and rest contented with the fight. as the very new year with very new days approach i think i've got to raise the white flag and surrender to resolution. there is a common bitter feeling making it's presense known and the eager wishes to succeed. a few things to work toward, goals to score, maps to quest, and trips to travel.

i will fail to mention: i must quit. smoking. when is it my time? does it have to be january? i will be losing. twenty. i will have digital images of all my works on slides made. i will have books made to sell and buttons too. i will have a laptop by the summer of 2007:before the a annual uoha beachtrip. i will help my friends get jobs, move, and celebrate. i will spend more time with my mom, i will read more and review more and share more. i will paint more and sew more paint chips together...there will be more correspondence, more diligent work and more meaningful vacation. there will be new nephews=a total of three! there will be more love and more endurance. and i will ask for help. i will need your help to fight.

the very best candle from thymes. and life as experimentation. i was at my friends house the night before last watching blue planet. i couldn't help but think how huge our world is and how we are so blessed to be surrounded by the smallest bits of beauty. my mother and i concluded that if we happened to be exposed to too much beauty, we'd die. i think it hurts sometimes...so beautiful it hurts. isn't that what two thousand seven should be about?

presently reading: sheldon vanauken's little lost marion.

over and out

christmas happened so quickly, in a blink, over and done with, 50% off sales, and the onslaught of valentine's day. i am still savoring the quiet moments, alone in my apartment, watching the snowy drizzle fall, gazing upon all of the perfect little gifts, my dear sweet family and friends thought to give me.

one pleasantry has been my introduction to the decemberists via kate, 'my crane wife' has been the perfect addition to my holiday music soundtrack. along with gnarls barkley and sufjan stevens, seems a fair variety. i have received some of the most lovely birthday and christmas cards ever, they seem to still be trickling in, along with another beautiful ornament. i think i'm still waiting to get another one or two more ornaments and a couple christmas postcards too. it is completely alright. i have plenty of other things to focus on now.

i never have gotten around to making granola! i never put my christmas tree up and i never decorated. i have the first two days of the new year off. i should pull my easel out and start painting again...nothing is holding me back now. i also should write my thank-yous and research the printing and button making companies...there's a host of things i ought to do.

several months ago hannah sent me this beautiful paper and i finally put it to good use. i thought kate would appreciate the non traditional wrap. she's also so good at recycling the tidbits leftover. i also wanted to make a note of whipup. i noticed this post on paint chips and so wish people knew how easy and wonderful these little colorful pieces are to work with, create, recycle and most of all inexpensively share beauty. after all there is recycled air.

munch-kins

i finally got around to making these little guys, my favorite christmas cookies of all time. they've only been apart of my little tradition for a couple of years, not many of them were eaten this year. wonder why? noticed a plate of them at the wards/knutson family home on christmas eve. not too sweet and just enough spicey, yummy crunch, sort of like a spice shortbread.

i have had an incredible holiday, i'm not ready for it to be over quite yet only having to come back to work makes it all vanish so quickly. i have received an enormous amount of love over the last few days, i'd so like to feel that all year long. more so i'd like to carry out and boldly have the christmas spirit all year long, the giving patient spirit. i'll probably take more break time. i have load the majority of my fav christmas photos though.

woodland whispers

only one more day of this medical and pharmacy business and i'm off to celebrate with family and friends, good eats, good times, listening, talking, wishing really really hard for snow, tasting the greatest joy, giving until my pocketbook hurts. or my fingertips become raw from wrapping. this year is closing up so quickly, i think eventually i will get around to a recap of the greatest moments of my life this year. i have never actually listed these sorts of things out before, i'm thinking many of you reading may not want to pack and take a two year trip through my archives. so it might be a funny journey. i don't feel older, hesitantly younger with more energy and insight screw the physical signs of maturation, wrinkles are for elephants.

i am so lucky, in the last couple of days i've gotten some really unexpected emails from my grandparents and my aunt and an old friend. so special, so very interesting here at the end of my year. are you listening? i so love martha stewart's woodland specs this year. couldn't ignore or resist the temptation at the old kmart at the foot of the mountain.

um...i must say. infradig's clinical indifference rocks! so very clean. so nice to hear this band push the envelope and surrender some of it's "jam band" qualities. i appreciate the precision and knock on wood quaility, magic or superstition, i'm not so sure which but it's barely important. the album is split both in it's willing able body participants but also in it's music-al divisions i'm still hearing some of the old echoed sounds but with new rhythms-beats as in slick flashy breaks. and what about those keys. i'm glad to hear a stable melody in lower tones, maybe that was the electric guitar from before that made it sound a little twangy. i don't mind that they've been influenced i feel like we who love(d) radiohead, aphex twin, squarepusher and others were all influenced as if on a musical high. the sounds are fairly original and gosh so far better than what you'd hear if you were listening to 98.1 or 91.5 the WAWL! thanks guys for working so hard on this album, i for one appreciate seeing that production is still apart of your thoughts and goals, also very nice to see my brother's name in there. hi-five!!! chris a. did a phenom job on the art direction, geez! people should be knocking your doors down!

i'm outta here.

book of mercy:star of david

almost thirteen years ago i designed a tattoo for someone and in return she paid for me to get a tattoo of my own. even though it took some time to draw the design, when the day came for her to get the tattoo i wasn't prepared with an idea or design for myself. at the time, leonard cohen was one of my very favorite musicians and authors and i may have been in the middle of reading book of mercy.

i remember carrying around this tiny little blue book from the local library and happened to have it in my bag that day. it was an easy design and simple enough for most people to see and comprehend. although i have gotten the common question of "what is it?" most everyone is surprised when they find out i have blue permanent ink on my body, or i forget and someone sees me in a bathing suit and are curious. i don't think i got the tattoo out of rebellion or anger even though i was very much both at eighteen.

i know my mom wasn't exactly pleased and felt i was crossing an 'off the shoulder' wedding gown off my list when the time might present itself. but i've been in four weddings and it never once was a concern of the bride's aesthetic plans. as far as i can tell it isn't in a place that that will get really, terribly wrinkled as i get older, i only have to lay on the sunscreen to protect from the dreaded melanoma. agh! didn't think of that when i was eighteen. i suppose in the long run it doesn't even really set me apart that much. it's just a little something that goes along with me. it does remind me of my youth, it reminds me of love and the links we have with others, it reminds me of faith and the star of david is just an added-secondary symbol of the jewish faith. i'm reminded that in the confusion and hysteria of youth there is passion and profundity too and that time heals the scabs of weird or off putting events in everyone's lives. i really don't know what happened to the women with my design on her back. with that tree and eye design, my original work is out there. for her. for others to see if she is so inclined.

the tattoo may be important because it marks a time that's past, it is a connection i have to my old self, to my old dreams and flimsy faith that thrusts me into the future. it has nothing to do with the impending holidays, just another reflection of where i've been and where i am going. going. going. gone.

to the world

all is getting down to the niddy griddy now. i have a little less than half my shopping left to go with seven busy days to go. this week it is all about the crunch, with brightness between. this weekend was a working one in which i let the apartment go. i have taken a different approach this year and wrapped as i went. so even though i've got the last minute shopping to go, things are only looking half way like holiday. i have shrugged off decorating so far. the harvest tablecloth and garland are still very much apart of my daily-view. i'm wondering about my little bird tree this year and about pompom garland. or the paper bird garland...as yet another option.

it's funny how much i want the decorations hanging above at target. that alone would be the perfect christmas gift. the window seals are removable and reusable {i checked}. i'd like to hang the large paper cuts/sheets inside my windows, i'm wondering, if i timed it just right if i could get some of the decor?

i am thoroughly addicted to the color accent feature on my canon powershot sd450. ahh the blues at christmas time can be so rich and festive. and red. i love martha's woodland wrap, to be a red bird at christmas.

this past friday night i went to my brother ethan's first annual collier construction christmas party. seeing my brother in that context was incredible. the meal was nice, the wait was really great and being with mary was so very nice. she and i are growing closer and i appreciate her so much. i haven't got sisters but because of mary and laurie, suzanne and emily i have been given four sisters. and then there's kate and jen and erin p. holy cow!

the secret of small

speaking of small, how about this golden walnut sewing kit in all of it's palm sized lovliness. i found this tiny walnut wading through a tin of buttons. after doing some brief research i found that they may be quite common. i saw an auction on ebay for a green one that was going for over a hundred dollars. how outrageous!!! i am looking forward to the weekend. gearing up for the secrets, the anticipation, the seeking out the small informal but meaningful gifts for the rest on my list.

out of focus motion

i am on my way, checking off things from the list. last night i actually accomplished more than i thought i would. shopping wasn't stessful or overwhelming at all. i came home with time to spare or maybe just a hot chocolate buzz and wrapped the gifts that were purchased. i feel my eyes bunching up and the corners of them growing scratchy, i suppose i'm tired, i can't do anything about it though. i still have some christmas cards to send out, presents to purchase and wrap, granola and spice cookies to make. then i will be through.

going to print

to be a child again. to sip and slurp. to taste life in a new way everyday with innocence and passion. one of my favorite moments with josiah was this past saturday at the creative discovery. we happen to stay on the first floor because to his delight the musical instruments are in abundance and in wide variety. together we found the microphone and proceeded to record the first track on his solo achievement, 'i've been working on the railroad.' we tried it with the echo, with effects, and noises, we even manipulated our voices into the sweetest robotic voices ever. josiah singles out the notes right on tune, taking after his very talented grandpa and mother. i see his freshman work becoming a tribute to the old classics, it'll blow us away, one day.

i managed to get a few of my christmas cards out into the postal service this morning, as i headed off to the workforce here. it's not like i'm a bluecollar. i'm one of the scrubs, in black and chinese flipflops. tonight i've got to finish my end of the deal and get cards to the printers {a.k.a. kinkos}. i can't wait to see my paper quilt series in print. cannot wait to bundle and sell them hopefully one day on etsy. cannot wait to see them in blueskies and in the hands of my friends and family.

the other night out in chickamauga the girls and i were all talking about t-shirts...here are the options: another list of christmas shopping potential(s).

1. Oddica

2. Day-Lab

3. Bella Muse

4. this isn't a t-shirt avenue but you may find some very cool things for husband/baby/toddler or yourself. love the colors! love the shapes! checkout BUILTNY

5. Little Paper Airplanes

6. Elsewares

7. Sam Flores

8. threadless

in other news i have gotten 6 pieces off to the printers, last night, cards galore! i hope they turn out nicely, i waived proofing them, i have to work and they weren't going to let me wait for them last night, such a bummer! i'll go sometime mid-day today to pick them up. i've got to buckle down, research the whole of printing companies....agha! s.o.s!!!!

and i must give a hearty shout out to jennifer kring of tumbleweed creations for her help in making my ornaments for the ornament swap. it has become a swap/trade within a swap. the small or large collabrative effort was nice. she expressed interest in the swap but missed the deadline, so here's to jen...thanks a bunch.

strength to remember

sometimes a break from blogging leaves the door open to other things, like actually working or talking or following the news of one family's tragedy or the iraq report and gwb's response. i spent monday night with kate. wednesday with jen.

here at the end of the year i have really begun to feel immediately gratifide and blessed. this past summer was somewhat and maybe not so obviously, difficult for me. in the last week i have been surprised by how much friends can remind you of what you have. not just the friendship itself, because i am always grateful for good conversation, commonground, artistic therapy and critique. but in the simple parts of relating this week with two very special women i found strength to get up and go to work, to make the coffee, to make the postcards, to swap for ornaments, to smile in the midst of frustrating traffic, to pull out the sewing machine again, to be inspired and to love the blue sky, love the doctor's i work for, even though 'one of them' thinks it'd be funny if i dressed up like an elf for the christmas party. haha! i'm a little bit more than a tad sensitive about my small stature, being cute, just doesn't cut it...anyway. there is still love.

i was surprised that kate thought of how i could easily make a button wreath {i like carolyn's!}, afterall i have thousands and thousands. it would be easy and i might, because they look so beautiful. kate reminds me that making wholesome food like granola and spice cookies are good, fun things to do at night while sipping on some cocoa. i mean we didn't have to talk about these things for me to be reminded to add the ideas to my christmas list of things to do. jen reminded me of christmas cookies too! and the importance of excercising, starting at the ymca at the beginning of the year. eating healthy and wrapping presents in brown paper with pretty red stencils. my friends remind me that making excellant meaningful art is really really important. that being with family is the very best thing in the world.

i mean i haven't even decorated for christmas yet. jen made the sweet polka dot garland and kate is doing the jessie tree with her children. wow! i love my friends so much. i have off this weekend and everything is up in the air, but i'll be sure to be productive...

the fringe belongs to us

my right hand is so cold, i'm in the midst of freezing to death here at the workforce, wondering if the fifth floor is slowly becoming the north pole. i have been very busy all morning, attempting to get things together to end the month. along with the fact that there have been some very important etsy matters, flickr matters, selling and producing matters i needed or thought to take care of. no buys! i want to make things more tempting and allow for all kinds of christmas magic to happen. yeah right.

i'll wait to throw the trash out until the garbage can is all the way full. to the top of the bag with junk mail, coffee grounds, and empty soy milk cartons. compositonally the garbage can & bag looks like the devil to me. so yesterday i mention somethings that might be going on around town:
i've mentioned,

a. mule magazine, the third issue has come out, and their presently work on volume 4. number 3 includes people, places and events i've never heard of for instance; versionfest '06. be sure to check out the online web selections when you're there. looks interesting, can you imagine chattanooga being there-apart-facilitating a versionfest of it's own?

b. check out the dramastore found via looking for meg vinson with google. i like what the virginia based org/co-lab the drama is supporting, representing, presenting and promoting. it's not in chattanooga but for all the artists...

who would love to add "published/press" to there blogsidebars, here's yet another op. you all know to that you can contribute art to mags like, juxtapose>see reader art.

c. 3x3
offers attention to new up & coming artists try out getting into their new talent gallery.

d. there's SEED

e. the barking legs theatre RENTS! anyone interested in an exhibit?

f. Rivoli Art Mill is seeking starving artists of all stripes and media to join its community of working and hobbyist artists using the inspirational creative workspaces. The Rivoli Art Mill is a 1910-era former garment mill with post-and-beam timber construction, 16-foot ceilings, 1940s Art Deco facade with glass block and diffused natural light. Several cheap spaces remain and include use of shared woodshop, kitchen and gallery/event/teaching area. Call (423) 265-4287 for appointment to see the workspaces.

that's all i've got for now. this weekend i'm working. saturday evening i might actually get around to making somethings, mapping out the month of december. i wanted to encourage you all, let you know that if you don't fit where you are {as in: you're not a landscape artist and you love graffitti-street art et cetera}, that the fringe is as much of a place to fit as any and it belongs to us.

thrilled to moo!

they came in the mail the day before yesterday! it wasn't until last night that i got a chance to sort amoungst them and find a few to share. the moo experience was great, such a learning process it has become, because now i know...some are dark, some are more pixelated than others, some are perfect, some are a little too blurry, some are gorgeous, some are well redundant, some are small treasures that turn my thoughts upside down!!! awh!!! and because i tend to make collage, these add yet another realm to my creative ambition-that is lacking right now-sort of.

i assure you though i've got a plan(s). i actually sat and wrote them all up last night. my christmas 2006 lists: how i love the perfect list. i have decided to make my own christmas cards this year, they will be similar to the postcards i'm going to send out. and i made a list of the people and gifts i'm going to buy for, along with a budget for each and every single one. i made a baking and making list too. this year is going to be the best, i'm already looking forward to resolutions, the new year's goals {laptop, walking everyday, no more smoking, ava membership, personal website, dietary changes, donating more stuff, et cetera}


today i'm putting my christmas wreath up for sale on etsy! i took better photos and would like to sell it, today, tomorrow, before xmas! heck! it's worth every penny! a nice alternative to the tradional wreath...so go shop, browse, find, share, collect and inspire.

yesterday, whilst here at the workforce i spent a good amount of time surfing. i'm looking for and at the alternative art scene in chattnooga. i have always complained about what chattanooga seems to lack in the way of alternative/urban/fringe like artists and/or art. i think i'm finally finding the sorts of things and events i've been looking for and could see myself participating. it's hard work. tomorrow or next week i'll share some of my findings. it's getting too long for today. rainy day.

surrender sightings

things around my apartment have looked a little like this lately. i cleaned so much, so well, that i haven't felt like messing everything up in the evenings to do the things i really need to do. so i've been making hot chocolate and watching very meaningless televison.

i haven't gotten any feedback about putting art up for sale {50% off} in my etsy shop. except for one special request...i'll be holding on to der hund until she and i come up with a way to trade/deal/swap/sell/purchase the piece. so the only price i've marked down is One Growth. it was 450 bucks, now it is only 250 bucks. i 've gotta charge that much otherwise i won't make a profit on the framing. i just wish i had better photos. my moaning and groaning isn't helping i know but one thing is for sure, i uploaded better photos, more recent photos, so that you can see the car has been replaced by the bicycle.

i also added one christmas card to the shop. it's an extra, i thought i'd put out there. i'm willing to come down on the price if someone really wants it. i also want to sell my christmas wreath. it is in excellant condition. i made it last year and it needs a home this year. but i've not got the greatest pics up yet. so until then check it out. especially if you're a freak about paper!

okay: so i'm going to post a birthday-christmas wish list over the next couple of days and weeks. i hope that's alright with everyone...i've never really just come right out and done this sort of thing before, but i think it's actually very helpful for my family. i'm really excited about this one though! my mom and dad are going to have my carpets cleaned for me! i know it's dorky but after having been in my place for five years i think it's nice fresh start...carpet wise!

1. a subscription to B/D magazine

2. this is my very favorite calendar though!!! a calendar, either from here, here, here, or here. this is a good selection and mom usually gets one for me every year but if i happen to get more than one i'll have a nice one for work too. so don't hestitate to communicate amoungst yourselves...haha!

3. i love this but it's $190 dollars, wait! lara's handmade jewelry is very similar and i'd love to support another beautiful artist. it's more affordable too! i'm in love with the circle shaped beads both in the necklaces and the black pair of earrings! check out her moo cards too! makes me so crazy to get mine in the mail!!! can't wait!!!

4. i'm a huge fan of stationary, lovely design has some of my favorite, only because there are way too many places to mention!!!

5. how can i resist this? it wouldn't fit on my bird tree that's 2 feet tall, but i'm thinking, thinking about purchasing a real christmas tree this year. yipes!!!

this does it for now i'm needing a break from this surf.

heart i choke

after all of this and that, i am back to phantomcrimes, refreshed, thankful, and more than ready to get things going, finished, and sent. i've got my work cut out for me.

everything with my family, on thursday morning-noon went really nicely. i decided that i wasn't going to get stressed out or unnerved about one thing, anything. the breakfast cassarole was easy and delicious! mmm! mom made the very best carmalized french toast ever, and the fruit tarts from rembrandt's were delightful. my apartment was as clean as i could get it, without washing my curtains or dusting my baseboards. i barely even mopped the kitchen floor, but it was alright. the sunlight was perfect and our family walk around the block was a unprecedented pleasure. considering it was a warm day and we needed the circulation after such a calorie rich meal.

i'll update more tomorrow or the next day...

give thanks & praise

happy thanksgiving!

plan.project.proceed

over the weekend i decided i had better come up with a plan for this week. most likely i will feel bombarded at one point or another but if i'm prepared the crazy feelings might not take hold. this thanksgiving i'm having my entire family over for thanksgiving. we're going to do the traditional thing on friday at my aunt's home. so my mother and i have planned a lovely brunch. that means between working and crafting i will also be doing some baking. for all of you who are curious about how i work two jobs and get enough sleep, get enough me time, get enough fam & friends time, well this is part of how it is done. the simple check off {box} list:

monday:
work uoha 9-5
work cvs 6-9
deposit checks
drop off banana republic shirt to mom
postcard project/ornament project after 10pm
sleep @ 12-12:30am

tuesday:
work uoha 9-5
grocery shop for baking ingredients
clean bathroom
dust entire apt.
vaccum
work on postcard/ornament projects
until 12. {this should be a good day to
get a whole lot of stuff completed!}

wednesday:
work uoha 9-5
work cvs 6-9
spot clean
decorate/layout all thanksgiving brunch

thursday:
8:00 am wakeup drink nice cup o' tea
bake breakfast cassarole
spot clean
watch the macy's day parade
12 noon give thanks with family
clean up will be easy
evening time: prepare piecrust
bake 2 pumpkin pies

friday:
sleep in
3pm or earlier hop over to
aunt c.'s home
6-9 work cvs

saturday & sunday: sleep in, no work except to finish postcard/
ornament projects to mail out before dec 01.

my goal: to stay cool, get sleep, finish these crafty projects, enjoy the family, see the knutson family, give thanks above all!

moo.gifts.ornaments.postcards

i have come down with the evil illness going around, that which includes: scratchy throat, marathon running nose, drippy and droopy eyes, headache, and backache. by all means keep me in your thoughts, but remember less my complaint. i am really very fortunate that i have plenty of sick time available to me here at the work force. in addition, my dear friend at the rx called to tell me i didn't need to come in again tonight. what a blessing to beable to stay at home and rest.
last night i began the process on both of the swaps i've signed up for. you might think i'm running behind but i really am not. i've got the two swaps perfectly under control. i'm also very excited about getting my moo cards in the mail!!! i picked around eighty seven of my photos to be transformed into these cropped sort of baby pics. 100 of them for awh well $24.95. i hope to use them as both business and gift cards for christmas. originally i had a lot of problems with getting the photos into the correct section, finally i decided to add my photo selections by sets and then drag and delete the photos i didn't want from each group into the trash can. after that it was smooth sailing. i thought this might be a very cool alternative to the regular promo material. i have so desperately wanted a business card, but never have the time to create one, via altavista or wherever.
when i got home from new york i had a pile of fun mail. no perfect packages, but several december issues of martha steward, fitness, and domino! i thinking of doing some different sort of things for thanksgiving, i'm actually having my entire fam over to my apartment. woohoo! and then there is christmas. i was totally inspired by this simple polka dot garland. i'd like to try. i also have some great felt pieces i'm going to put together before all is said and done. after the holidays i'll get back to the painting.
***i am wondering about having an etsy sale, anyone have any thoughts? if i put the work that is in my shop right now up for sale at 50% off, would you all purchase??? please let me know. i'm totally willing to discuss other options and or best offers, trades, or commissions.***

have a nice evening, try and stay warm and cozy wherever you are.

tidal wave extravaganza

there was so much that i wanted to share about my trip, the small things that i saw, a growing discomfort about how few photos i took. on tuesday we found the bxl cafe in the rain, we actually walked a little too far and past it, can you believe it. we shouldn't have missed the red entryway. i decided on maui maui and leffe blonde. and for dessert well the best we had all we long the greatest pot o' chocolate ever!

the rain on wednesday soaked us through and through. we survived and head up to david letterman's theatre. we actually signed up for free tickets and got a call back! can you believe it? we declined because we didn't want to leave out our other sister n law. that night we went to the bodies exhibit. if you haven't heard about the bodies or been to see the exhibit, i'd recommend that you do. it is not entirely disgusting nor should it make your stomach turn. it isn't worth going into all of the details here and now, i work in an oncology office, seeing the breast, lung and colon cancers were very interesting. did i retain? i found out that babies are born with 300 bones in their bodies and adults have 206 bones in the bodies. semi-meaningless facts.

on thursday laurie and i went to canal street, awh the blur. we had the secert backroom knock off bag purchasing experience, yipes! we didn't stop, just came walking. hit all the places i mentioned yesterday. and on thursday night i went out with erin and jerah. on friday we went back to canal and up through tribeca and into soho. we three bonded as sisters, special conversations and times. plus officially i can announce that l.c. and brother aaron are happily awaiting the birth of their very first children. plural? yes! yes! most of you may already know by now, but now it is safe to say with permission from aaron to tell. aaron and l.c. are going to be the proud parents of twins. l.c. had an ultra sound today and they are 4cm long. yikes! growing so fast. she's due in june, around the third i believe, correct me if i'm wrong. so next year around this time the collier fam will have grown by another "three." we'll have ethan and mary's baby boy: caleb and aaron and l.c.'s twins! yippy! i'm going to be an aunt for real! so it makes sense that we have this great journey to celebrate life before the new phase.

i'm off tonight-doing laundry, working on the ornament and postcard swap.

how could i

today: i have no idea how to pick just the right photo, after having returned from a vackay in new york on saturday evening. i am back, really back, back with a bounce, back with a vengence, back with my head and heart full. back to work, back to craft, back to making and painting, back to the daily grid, back to familial activity and accountability.

the thirty third floor of the mariott in times square quickly became our refuge for peace, rest and relaxation. it seemed that we were constantly surrounded by people on all sides and at all times. does anyone go home at night? and the square became more and more insane as the night got later. we were so happy to have great recommendations from shashi and erin, incredible guides and suggestions. we hit up the bxl cafe, schillers, the bodies exhibit, soho, canal street, wooster st. (wooster collective), kidrobot, prosport, parableink, and much much more. anthropologie hit heart strings along with baby diesel and element clothing/bags {eden}. all of these places i just love love love. but i'm so completely thankful to be at home, less than surrounded by the materialism.

i went and spent a whole bunch of moolah at kate's paperie. woohoo! a brand new baby blue 2007 pocket calendar! how bad can you get? angela adams stationary, amy ruppel, and much more. i was entirely excited about taking my first digital photos on the airplane ride home. they are beautiful. i call them g.o.d. pictures, even if you don't believe it's sort of funny to call them that. the bodies exhibit was awe inspiring, black lungs, breast cancer, colon ca. you name it. i can't believe everything i saw. there is no photography allowed so...

i worked and completed my first christmas project yesterday. my stampin up xmas card exchange is tonight and i completed my ten identical cards. see them on my flickr {sidebar}. i have two more to go, first the ornament swap and then the postcard swap. i've got ideas for both and they should be top notch. i'll have more for you tomorrow. thank you for all of your well wishes, i'm so glad to be back, phantomcrimes is home.

not quite yet

early sunday morning i was too easily caught up in the annie leibovitz retrospective, thus began the trial and error of digital black and white.

i will be voting tomorrow before i leave to go to nyc. i am going to pack as soon as i get off from work, unless of course i get a suitcase from my parentals.

i am so excited about this trip, to see erin p. and leave chattanooga for a little while. see you when i get back.