in some rare disbelief

i wonder what just happened, another year, gone by. just one and half more days left it will all be over. it didn't just happen, i know, it just feels like all of the growing and changing came and went so quickly, without even a climax, no strong loud clamp of thunder or dramatic down swing, just this sunday afternoon. the last in o-seven. i have been nursing this here sore throat. stuffing tea and spice cookies down. but i have also, as usual, i suppose been given over to reflect. i spent a whole lot of time before the holidays really preparing to give handcraft to friends and family and in the midst of that felt like i might be letting some of them down by not purchasing their most faved or coveted items. in pictures i think the wreaths i made look nicer. in real life they seem slightly chinsey or shall i say tacky? but if i say that what does that mean to those to whom i've given the wreaths to? i just expected more and could not for the life of me muster up more because i actually thought i was coming down with mono the night of my birthday.
so strange this year has been. in good ways, in very fine ways it's been all a bunch of blessing, in others it's been harder than previous. who knows what other people do behind the curtains of their own blogs, privately underneath the sheets? i have no earthly idea and sometimes i enjoy reading from blogs of other women artists, finding inspiration and common word or comfort and sometimes i'm jealous and often times i want to meet them, but i also wonder about they're emotional states and their familial states and their marriages and the cleanliness of their homes. sometimes women my age write about all that is really going on behind the scenes other times their words and photos are of projects and smaller household improvements, sometimes pictures tell stories i can only imagine and therefore give me sense that everything with them must be absolutely perfect. i wonder.

my year has been perfected in a variety of ways, but through some difficult work that has yet to be completed. earlier, maybe in june or july i began to get some, how shall i say? outside help. some help from someone who has been trained to help. help from someone that i am paying to help me. is it any different after all than if i were paying someone to do my taxes for me or if i needed someone to repair my roof. i'm not going to pretend to know how to repair my roof if i don't know how to. just as i am not going to pretend to know how to fix my heart and mind when i really have no idea how to begin that process. accepting and believing is one thing, intellectually analyzing something to the hilt is another and having some kind of heart is yet another. i have felt on one end of the spectrum that my whole life made sense, on the other end of the spectrum my life felt like a very large ball of wax and paper, thread and dirt. most people probably feel the same way i have at some point in their lives and everyone has a different method of resolution. i decided to call out for help.

in the last six months i have discovered some fairly interesting things, my goal being to merge my heart and mind, so that i don't feel as conflicted. i've learned i'm really quite alright, except for the lying. for so many years i have lied to myself, not as if in some state of denial, by just simply telling myself that no one loves me, no one cares, i cannot trust anyone, and so on and so forth, all disgusting self loathing things i'd rather kick to the curb. it's been the believing in myself that i have been lacking. it's ridiculous and many of you may not care to know about these sorts of things but i'm saying it anyway. for the sake of those who might think i've got something that they don't. because what i've got is still a two thousand eight of hard art making, hard heart adjusting, and serious mind fixing.

for instance i was not ever going to leave the doctor's office, there was something seriously sick about my work there only because i couldn't ever see myself doing anything bigger or better or that i might deserve more. i was always so paranoid, thinking i'd get fired for being chronically 10 minutes late everyday for 6 years straight. i never thought i could ever produce enough artwork for a show and then for god's sake, sell it all. it never occurred to me that anyone could understand my deepest thoughts and feelings. i never thought to ask for help, nor did i ever see that if people like my parents, siblings or my best friend katie acted like they didn't trust me or that i felt like a child in their eyes it was probably because i didn't trust myself. all of the advice i personally gave i have never ever really took to heart myself. if i felt defensive it wasn't because people were accusing me, it was more because of the fact that i felt myself to be inferior. and no one is to blame for that matter, not a fact. oh and there is a lot more but not all worth spewing here. i was just thinking about the really nice things that the holidays can produce and how i could feel slightly off about the gifts i gave but heck it's funny, i created my very first paper stencil t-shirts. i honestly really truthfully thought i couldn't do it and never tried until christmas day. and then there's wahlah! i couldn't believe how truly easy it was.

just like asking for help, almost magical but more spiritual. the vulnerability of saying three simple words, 'i need help', and all sorts of floodgates opened. i'd be crazy to say it's been so so simple, there's been more questions than i thought, there has been more anger too, there's been sadness and some strange realizations as well. but there underneath the sheets is redemption, the power of light. and forgiveness and reminders of how much i am truly loved. it must sound stupid but i think we could all take a little more time to think of all the ways we know we're loved. because when you stop remembering you yourself stop giving the love out, right? being a good steward with the love your given is sharing it with others. i just can't believe that this year turned out the way it has. it surprises me and makes me wonder if other people plodding along have come to figuring these sorts of things out in their lives.

a wish list

oh man. i should have warned myself. taken more heed but felt a nervousness to get a new computer fast. i am experiencing the learning curve per mac and blogger. i have successfully figured out how to uploaded my photos. i have mozilla now as of right now, for blogger. i have instruction from every direction, part of it's free and part of it well is raising my state of awareness which is free as well but makes me feel slightly queazy. the holidays are on, aren't they. this may be the first year i have had my christmas tree up before the twentieth of the month.

now it is to baking and shopping and editing and making more art and to clothesline and making a wish list. i feel like in the scheme of everything that exists i already have every little bit of everything i need. christmas has to be about what we want or else, else what? i still want high speed so fast speed internet in my apartment but i don't know that would be and appropriate item to wish for. i still want to be thinner and i'd like to look really sweet in leggings but who is going to do that for me? i'd like a year's supply of coffee and pumpkin spice soy milk, with a way to foam it up.

but i am positive that most people would like to find a gift to buy for me that isn't as well ridiculous. seeing as how i am about to have a whole lot of art to make it makes sense to wish for art supplies all of which can be purchased from dick blick
canvas any size
paint brushes
mod podge
origami paper
acrylic paint:liquitex
i'd also like some more wood grain contact paper something in a lighter shade
i have bought myself two rolls of the darker stuff... so.

how about a little one of these or this one. wooo&ahhh.

and i found these beautiful earrings on etsy and have only been able to resist because my birthday is this month too.

i'd love to support this artist. i'd just have to frame these, i think.

alright my battery is running on reserve, how many times has that sentence been written.

i will have continue this asap.

forgive in order

it has been a dreadfully long time since i have blogged, i almost cannot believe i am back. making a slow comeback. wading through a whole lot of life changing sorts of things. i have made the physical transistion from the doctor's office to collier construction and all is good, i mean, good in a way that has yet to sink in completely. only because i'm regaining a level of self confidence that i believe got lost in the doctor office atmosphere. i say that only because my true god given gifts weren't exactly used to their full capacity at uoha, not by anyone's fault, just the nature of work and working outside of the home. the doctor's office absolutely prepared me for making a change, no doubt, the medical billing software was incredibly complex and medical oncology billing was even more of a daily challenge. so. moving on.

on one very exciting note, i did receive my macbook and have been extremely pleased. it has it's complications, but mainly because i've never used a mac. last night i actually deleted all of my photos, but not before transferring the majority on to flickr. waff!

i also have completed all of my paper quilts for the publishing deal, three old ones, five new ones, now i can finally begin working on some new things. awwwhh! and boy do i have some fresh ideas up my sleave. i've got wood grain contact paper!

and next up on the big o' list of things to do, is clothesline. we've got our dates nailed down, so now all i've got to do is get those applications set. i should have more time on my plate as well as "at home" wireless www, so i'll have those things cranked out and sent via the postal service before christmas. i hope to update the clothesline blog soon too!

obviously life hasn't stopped here. i am continuing this journey with a little bit more humpf! you know? i am recovering some joy and learning to trust, trust for the first times{s} in my life. stressful moments aren't taking control of me as much, i'm learning how to respond and compass my emotions in healthier ways. it's good, seriously.

i'm looking forward to the christmas holidays, maybe i won't have the bonus from uoha, but i'll have a new level of strength and faith and i'll have to resort to some fantastic financial and artist creativity. over the thanksgiving holidays i began to experiment with baking vegan style. i used a martha stewart piecrust recipe for the pumpkin pies and left out the real butter. i also made or adapted angry chicken's banana bread in a vegan delight, yummy! so healthy good. i really think i can start baking some incredible stuff. yes. i don't think i'll make my favorite spice cookies veganstyle though, unga.

take care folks and have a good weekend. are you glad i'm back?

in the eye

i currently feel like i am in the middle of the eye of a storm, a quiet silent way, with a great white rapid wind surrounding me. a down to the wire feeling has come over me without a doubt, but there isn't so much anxiety, just watching everything fly around me in all sorts of different directions. i am currently working on paper quilts for red lips 4 courage, they are to be published by lark sterling, in a diy book on paper quilts. the work in progress you see is only a hint of the blue quilt, the third of a total of five new quilts i must produce for this venture. the quilts will be shipped and photographed and then sent back to me, so i will actually beable to retain ownership of the quilts, but until then i think i'll have to keep things under wraps. i will keep you in mind molly i, you can have first dibs.
additionally i am feeling some strange pangs of anxiety, especially in regards to giving up my scrub pants. i'm telling you, it took me forever to save up money to purchase 27" inseam flare scrup pants and now i'm giving up the ghost. aside from giving up scrubs, which isn't really all that bad, i'm in love with the colors here. in my outfit as well as with the facial fish from lumene, i mean i know the fish are orange but it's the combo colored background. and my special occassion eye shadow. yum. aquateal and silver. i don't think i could live without the color. i'll post a little bit more tomorrow. i think i'm going to go with a refurbished mac on wednesday night. thank you all for grand congratulations! this time of my life has been amazing. today i was sitting here at work, and got an email from someone and just had to jump up and down with excitement. yeah it seems full of cheese, i know, but truly honestly growth is terribly fun. tomorrow i hope to share a new site, link i was recently introduced to, it's an amazing art site, critique and all. take care.

don't blame me

yeah i know it's been almost two weeks and nothing but full on neglect, nadaposting has become my regular. regardless i am still here. after 'rendering my resignation' with uoha i couldn't justify posting and plus i was planning a trip to destin, which fell through. i still took four days vacation and spent as much time with my sister in laws and nephews as possible. i also happened to finish a commissioned paper quilt. woohoo!

i actually finished this one for my nephew caleb and another, the first in my sample project pieces for the 'book publishing deal'. i'm now moving to the next piece. i'm afraid i won't beable to show any of my work for this specific project until probably after the book has been published. i'll ask and make sure though because i'd certainately like to share the progress and process.

i'm finishing up my days at uoha and probably won't have a whole lot of time to do anything but work, and will be purchasing a laptop for home as soon as possible. i went and tried on clothes yesterday and felt like a beluga whale, i'm so short, every little pound matters, or is it the clothes this season. really it's not that bad, i'm just eager to get through the next few months paying for my own health insurance, so that i can join the gym, i've not yet decided which one to join yet. not real interested in the ymca, i'm willing to pay for a personal trainer, at least for a little while, to build my moto factor up again. i am looking forward to all of the upcoming projects, both with the quilts, may 2008 clothesline artshow, working for collier construction, working out, holiday projects, family times, oh i'll say it again how time flies.

thank you all for your incredible words of encouragement and celebration, i'm really super excited about the changes going on here. i still cannot believe it, it's all happening so quickly. thank you.

one farewell

woohoo! i have been dying to break the news! this morning i broke the news to my boss at uoha that i would be rendering my resignation and that my last day would be november ninth. it has all happened quite quickly that i've not had much time to process it all. but to put it bluntly i'm leaving my job as a medical onoclogy billing and insurance specialist to become an adminstrative assistant at collier construction.

i have wanted to work for my brother's company for a least a couple of years and this week just happened to be the time. the time where all of the little things and big things kind of just fell right into place, people discussed, people defended and interjected their opinions, ideas changed and position grew and then one day wahlah-i have got myself a new and improved job. it is a huge career move, a massive affirmation, and by all means just the right fit all the way around. it is a blessing and without a doubt a dream, more come true than i'm really ready to acknowledge, i think, at this point. once i begin my work with collier construction i think i'll feel incredibly confident and less anxious, right now i'm a ball of nerves, just waiting to implode.

it might explain my previous post, the all is in transistion sort of speech, looking for a laptop, the need for highspeed at home, to further and progress in the paper quilt publishing project and whatnot. no more of this personal work on the internet while at work business. i honestly must see this portion of my life come to a close, afterall it's a wearntear world. i also wanted to thank katie and erin for their rich words of wisdom. i'm in the midst of searching and researching, clearing and reclearing my mind. honestly i really like the whole idea of the refurbished macbook and can see myself heading in that direction, i understand and want frugality in my life, there might be a compromise here and i think affordability and brand spanking newish feeling is acheivable. whadayasay? i'll keep you updated on my computer findings process.

i know this is crazy but you know i'm headed down to destin flordia in about a week and i'm curious...where would one find a cartop carrier? i mean rent one to put luggage in? anyway let me know if you've got any ideas. we don't want to spend a ton of moolah on renting a big suburban, so...

have a great weekend folks!*

hardboiled needs help

whether you know it or not i have been in a month or more of transition. it may or may not have been obvious, i'm not even sure if i have even been that cut and dry about it, but the rumors are true, whatever they may be. all is in transition. all of my life up to this point is changing. somethings you know about, for instance, cutting back on part time work at the rx, inorder to make more art. somethings you don't know about and won't ever really know a whole lot about until it has already happened. but i'm seeing how this transition may change how much i'm able to post. i don't know how much that matters to you. whether or not you'd miss me or if anyone would even really notice. well yes of course you'd notice, i might be exaggerating a tad bit. i am thinking that i may actually need help, your help, maybe. this transistion incompasses a whole lot of little things, culminating into the big picture sort of thing, a future, my future.

the most imminent: i am really in need and in desperate want of a laptop computer. it has been a goal, a wish, a dream of mine to own my own little piece of techheaven. i'd like to purchase a laptop in two to four weeks. i would rather not purchase a used laptop unless it is top of the line. i would like to purchase a mac, no dell. i looked at hp's but aren't familiar with the hp technology at all. i am like most of you, i will be using my laptop for wireless internet, graphic design and art, communicating via email, but no movies/dvd's, and probably not a whole lot of music. my price range is between $1500 to $2000, i am aware of pricegrabber and others who have discounted rates, they don't matter to me as much. to compare my feelings about a laptop to my purchase of a brand spankin new vehicle is to understand i'm not in the mood to pay for repairs, i'm not in the mood for second best, i'm not really interested in deals or rebates, i just need the specs of Ghz and GB and pixels, width and screen size. do i need two usb ports? can you finance a mac, i have heard of jupiter but what's that about? what? what do you like, what has worked for you? are you a mac person or another kind of person?

okay, enough is enough. next, no comcast! so what's left? no charter! right? so is the epb up and going and is it the best, or i'm i going to have to get screwed by comcast? help me make these very simple decisions.

i'm trying to think if there's anything else...don't think so. thank you guys for all of your help in advance. and it seems to me that you really liked all of the cool links! i'll try to keep that going. byenow.

can't help myself:please forgive me

the urge to share just a smidgen of what i have been working on lately was just too great, the temptation overpowering. only because i have had these things going for quite sometime and now having ninty nine percent of each piece, there are two, finished, all i have wanted to do is share.

so instead of sharing a whole lot of new art i'll share somethings i have found recently while surfing. it takes a whole lot of time to surf and for many of you it's not a priority, but if you're a regular reader, you might find some of these things a little bit interesting.

i decided to get an early start on purchasing some christmas cards. actually there was no deciding, i really just wanted these from onegoodbumblebee. i am also very excited about lara's new work with flickr and moo. her holiday designs are perfect, i mean really perfect. in the fresh new colorful sense of the word perfect! thank you lara!

i'm not sure about you but these cards from joy by mel lim are a must have! don't get me wrong i'm not quite able to justify purchasing more cards quite yet. only because i've got two little desk drawers full of my favorite stationary and cards. but as soon as i've depleted one of my sets i'm going into purchase. thanks to nicole at freshly{blended} for enlightening us to this amazing artist-designer.

i'm not going to have time to participate in the ornament or postcard swap this year, i'll have deadlines breathing down my neck come december 1. but i did want to share for those not up on the news that both sponsers host an ornament swap and a postcard swap. for the ornament swap keep checking in with fb here. and the postcard swap will be hosted by NIKKI-SHELL.

rachel b. started pleaseplantme, i'm consistently amazed by this young woman, thought i'd share.

and if were have a little bundle o joy, i'd be purchasing this! unframed is a little more affordable.

i now feel like there is something i have forgotten to mention, i'm sure it doesn't matter much. have a nice weekend folks! go wish this one happy birthday!

absorb this

believe me! i am not quite sure how these new shoes of mine came to be worthy of a post but they are. they're supposed to be my lifesaver. or rather my leg saver. over three weeks ago my left leg began bothering me up a storm. it's a nagging sort of dull pain, reminiscent of hyper extension or arthritis of the knee but behind the knee pain. really i think i must have done something while playing tennis and dread the idea of pain from growing older. it's inexcusable to be thirty one and have such pain. i suppose that's why if i don't join a gym or fitness together now, i never will and i may never find myself pain free. i definitely do not want to be an elder person hobbling around or rather transporting myself via hover round. it'll be a blessing if i don't shrink down to four feet, let alone be disabled to a rolling walker. so my new shoes, a once a year splurge, a must have, and a complete fine way to end my day.

in other news: i am nearly, if not finished with the coral castles project. i'm nervous about all of it. and don't even feel comfortable showing photos until i get the band approval. thankfully i've done a couple of things, incase one doesn't fit.

i'd also like to encourage any of you fellow bloggers to think about Blog Action Day. i know i'm thinking about it a little bit. no matter what your opinion of our environment and the constant conversation, drama, and urgency we seem to be creating regarding it, it's probably a really good idea to take some personal responsibility and or action, even if taking part in Blog Action Day is all that you do, at least you're apart. i'm going to think about the environment and my art and how it relates. afterall my art is about much of the environment {trees} and i'm specifically using, reusing, recycling paper and non toxic materials and adhesives to create. it's a worthy plug. and a challenge.

i think that's all i've got for the day.

into their arms

i think life in it's real physical way has taken over and blogland has become a minor scene. life in it's delightfully unpredictable way has taken it's turn in the game. i'm subject to be a witness, to take a breath, to lay sight upon, to watch and to feel all that begins in the morning and ends in the evening. on inwhich an introduction is due, to new life in this family, another branch in the family tree begins it's sprouting, it's growth. caleb b. welcome! come in, stay for awhile. enjoy and take joy little boy! we are all so happy for you and your mom and dad. we have loved you for so long, waited so long, your mom and dad have worked so hard to have you, hold you, call you theirs and now a celebration of your life begins. we cannot wait to see you play and make trouble with all of your boy cousins. we can't wait to hear your first words and we definitely can't wait until you begin to talk back. to tell us how you feel and think, it all will be fun.

aside from this little boy becoming apart of my life i feel like i've taken a break, not one purposefully. just so haphazardly i suppose. i long to have the evenings off. it is shocking i know but i am now finally aware of the toll having two jobs has taken on me. i don't feel like battling the torn feeling i get when family and work pulls at me. i am beginning to feel numb about it all. i must be honest about the transistion i find myself in though, and a good transition. in many ways, shapes and forms i am finding through help, a new me, a new line of thought and need to just relax. it's difficult to explain, especially because i'd like the real important stuff to stay well close. but the big things are as you all know already. quitting cvs. quitting smoking. joining a gym. making art and having a total of 8 paper quilts published. there are two commissions that must be completed and i'm struggling with time. like i said the war with time has been going on for about three years now. i also am learning to take action and to well, think more positively. it isn't really all that natural of me to be so happy and cheerful and exploding with joy, but simply smiling at people has been a challenge as of late. a challenge i really ought to practice.

finally i am just so thankful that caleb has found his way into his parents arms. i mean what else can i ask for? have a wonderful weekend. i cannot promise anything but hopefully i'll be back with some completed art...uh?

go ahead:search me

i seem to remember reading somewhere along the lines, another blog, and her hilarious, slightly enlightening way of sharing how others were finding her blog by their searches. i have desperately wanted to share this funny wealth as well from the phantomcrimes perspect. searches and referrals are strange, and i wonder if what i write, will have any effect on, say, my job future or what have you. it's a curious thing, wondering how the words create a path, give an impression, and leave you with a tedious hedgy:superficial www reputation.

baby raccoon notecard art:on 06.22.07 i wrote about purchasing notecards and seeing baby raccoons while biking

three strikes:on 06.15.08 it's just seriously hilarious to see my own spelling errors, unga!

phillip sandee painting:you all remember this right?

button wreath:the ever popular, i never ever got around to making one, i hope this person looking for a tutorial actually found one.

i thought this one was funny. BI-LO employee handbook

how are tidal waves to fast

oh well, have a good weekend.

cooking juice

isn't exactly the way i'd like to put it, but it is a little less confrontational, a little less abrasive, a little more creative than saying that the pressure is on, on you. if i were a blender i'd like to pulverize, mince this person to pieces. that person being, the "$14.96 guy/gal". this said, he or she decided it would be alright, justified waging war upon my banking account, more specifically my check card. "awh, whatever, it's only $14.96", they nonchalantly said as they purchased a "yahoo domain:*phantomcrimes". what they neglected to see, ignored to comprehend is that phantomcrimes will remain untouchable. it remains mine insofar as:

1. you have got to think i am an idiot if i don't question-quiry a charge that i know i did not charge to my account.

2. you will not steal my account information and make a small purchase for a website using my website name as your website name. i mean, yeah, it's possible, it happened but i am not letting it go quite yet. ha! you're not getting your domain with my moolah!

3. you oughta believe i know where you live

4. my bark is louder than my bite but i'm stressed about it, just a little bit. thankful mostly for internet banking and for being able to check my account every day, to regulate/prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.

5. also want to warn others that the leak, may have potentially happened through paypal.

6. i'd like to cook this said he or she for dinner. howdoyoulikemenow?

***bside:

i'm going to round up this week by thanking david&the boys of cc for the nice writeup. it is a pleasure, it is affirmation, it is what i am here for as an artist, to be called upon, that is if you like my art, it is exciting and i cannot wait to have all of the loose ends wrapped up, after this weekend.

also a huge thank you to julian @ fitness together. if you're interested i have a handful of art hanging and he has graciously hung titles and prices. thank you.

while i'm at it moo is having a fling with facebook. talk about a blast of light at the end of the funnel! i'm not so sure i'm ready to partake but heck if you try let me know how it goes.

for those of you interested...the ethan collier fam has successfully, safely reunited here in the states. let the celebrations begin!

so many hits

i couldn't figure out for the life of me, why in the world this photo was getting the hits it was getting. until of course today. surfing the web turf i came across this post with a link to my photo. unga! it's the sixth link, if you're curious and don't wanna sift through, amazing, isn't it? i'm not amazing i mean, it's amazing that a simple photo of my moo stickers would be used:found. i suppose i feel sheepish about the exposure, or wish in some ungrateful sense that i could chose my exposure. heck i really don't care, it is just so much fun, all of it, it's just a sweet little peck on the cheek, when someone finds something you've created and likes it enough to post about it. thanks denise.
moo and all of it's offerings is incredible, nearly brilliant, so close in it's ways and means it makes me crazy. i ended up using the stickers as envelope seals with my cards. the cards and stickers correspond.

i worked at the rx last night. one of my coworkers was assaulted, yesterday afternoon, by a woman who was attempting to steal beer. the woman threatened to pull a gun and my coworker, we'll call her LS, proceeded to grab the woman's purse away from her, all escalated and the cops were called but didn't get to the rx in time to catch this female and her male accomplice. my manager did happen to get their tags and a piece of skin, so to speak. it's never been that insane when i'm there from six until nine. i really don't want that kind of action.

ethan and caleb are flying through the air, on their way home, from Kazakhstan, today. the anticipation has been steadily growing and i know my sister in law is about to burst, it's like the second round, another incredible day, a reunion. i cannot wait!

bye now.

catching my b.r.e.a.t.h

has been more difficult than i thought, hence my absense. i ended up getting some much needed zzz's over the weekend, but missed being with k and neglected the creative arena. am i rationing out my time? because i regret not having any to share with each and every last one of my friends. it must be the pangs of social withdrawl, after so much activity via clothesline. or possibly it's the imminent idea of quitting, finishing things up at the rx. woohoo. even so last evening was one of those devotional moments, i took to making some of these fantastic little shapes. i'm addicted to tracing and cutting and leafing through mag after mag searching for the slightest hint of goodness.
also extremely happy to show off a "tiny" collection of wire animals and small objects of happy-ness again. as if it were the first time. cwaimean?

can you relate?

meet ola

i want a sf painting

wish i could go, i really just like the poster though and it's creator and praying for his wife mostly.

dreaming about this little guy and wishing i could see them every day

can relate to her organizations only this is my top drawer

whose saying, enough with the links now? bye

meekend of the deal

i must be as lucky as they come because my weekend was one of those you wish would last forever. most of the time, weekends are the part of the week you'd wish would last forever but this one was super fine. all of the sudden, this valley began it's autumnal season and the temps fell, the air crisped and we're all happy people again. on saturday i rushed to do a couple of loads of laundry. then at two i went to a baby shower for my sister in law and her son caleb. it was an afternoon like no other, i think partially because we've grown to love caleb from afar and to see the love and support from so many was incredibly overwhelming. too, the weather enveloped us in its gloriousness. the light, the breeze, a garden full of dusty miller, horses:brown and white, lulling fields and lines of pear trees. it could have brought a tear but all were smiles and never mind there's no time for tears.
one of the gifts given to mary for caleb was boygirlparty's susie g. gorgeous book, my family my journey. when i saw i immediately, couldn't help myself from squeeling out for joy. book was specifically created for adoptive families, i'm thinking how special is that. and the illustrations are to die for! almost like little lickable trees!

on sunday i ended up ironing every single piece of clothing i own, couldn't believe that i even ventured to do so. i think it almost took me four hours but i'm sure to have fresh ironed clothes for at least a week.

i finished all things clotheline financial which is a huge relief. and began on organizing my thoughts and focusing in on my next project, the coral castles album art. i thought i just kick around some drawing styles and or fonts. below is just the very first idea, later last night after playing a little tennis i drew two more in addition and think i've got my creative flow flowing once again. i would love to stick with my television trees, but really have no desire to play them out. i also think color is going to make or break this work and black and white isn't giving me much to go on. at this point i don't see why i won't beable to finish up by my deadline, fast approaching.

i also went ahead and bought a bunch more canvas and will be creating more paper quilts. keep your eyes pealed.***gotta get back to work work, you know how that goes, right?***

i should be updating my etsy shop with cards and such...is anyone going to buy my paper quilt cards or should i just gift them? just joking.

Recycled Air:Saying Goodbye

oh friday friday friday, how is it you were just here and now your back. i have looked forward to you since the last time you swung around. saying farewell to recycled air this weekend. loving every single minute of sharing my art with old friends, new people and family. will be back on monday with new work in progress and possibly, hopefully maybe just something new new, like taking my own advice and reworking this ole bit o' phantomcrimes.

have a wonderful wonderful weekend. i am going to let some of this much needed rain wash away and fall clean. sounds nice doesn't it.

goodbye.

to.give.thanks

i am nearly in the clear. a moments rest is just beyond reach around the corner. and after days, weeks and months leading to our clothesline weekend, i am now filled with overwhelming joy and anticipation, i am thankful. grateful beyond a simple word. affirmed in my artistic desires and dreams. recovering my wits about me i am eager to begin anew, the commissions, coral castles awaits, and paper quilt publishing submissions. with one hundred and one thousand projects that i hope to afford the time for. and as of last night, in a small but informative discussion with my boss at cvs, i pretty well exclaimed my decision to quit my part time efforts before or around october twenty sixth. it is because of your support that i can rely and trust in what making art can do for me. cvs filled a space of time for me in the evenings that i was not using to benefit me, almost three years ago. now that i have found my self in my art, i have found comfort and i recognize my responsibilities and the gift i want to share is more. making art for myself is indescribably incredible. it fills me up, it lifts my spirits and lays insecurities and fear to bed.

i must thank my mom and dad for creating the creativity in me, somehow, god only knows. to my sisters: suzanne for standing beside me, emily for dying my hair, my dear mary and laurie for sweet words of encouragement everyday and for loving my art. to my brothers, ethan for the email this morning, for finding me after your twenty nine years, as siblings in the same world of creativity. he a builder, myself a visual artist. your words ethan, are words to live by and for and to cry out and exclaim the truth about, what we do and how it represents our hearts, thank you for finding the common ground with me. thank you aaron for being solid.

to the women of clothesline my heart is humbled by your beautiful inspiring art. i know i'm being weepy and sappy but our hearts and souls, our eyes have seen the glory and we have been given the gift of sharing it. i love every minute of planning and organizing and driving the efforts and event to it's opening to closing.

to my patrons: rob and maryalice, i cannot believe you guys. may twilight trees forever bring happiness and joy, may you be reminded of the sweetness of childhood and rest in underneath a forest of beautiful happy trees. thank you. to those of you who took a small bit of my art home with you i am so happy. to rebekah s., you know who you are, thank you for watching my work, for blurking, for your encouragement, for being honest and for stepping out and purchasing. to annette, if you're reading, thank you. i am so glad you liked my television trees, i was seriously worried about how an audience would receive it and wanted someone to love it as much as i do. i'm glad you found it. to taylor, again if you're reading, i'd love to make more artwork especially for you, thank you and feel free to contact me. to austina, it was so nice to finally meet you. i am so happy you liked my fish enough to give it away as a gift, i hope that it conjures up a beautiful little world for the little girl you're giving it to. amy and greg we'll be in convo, i'll have recycled air for you this coming friday! thank you phillip, denise and stevie for making it out. and to my coworkers thank you. thank you too linda!

okay, i think i'm finished. i am sorry if that was laborious, it's just really important that i thank you all publically because this is the beginning and i sort of want it to last forever. i also want all of you to know how serious i am about creating work, not for the money, not for fame, but for the purpose of bringing light and life into your homes. if you or your children are inspired by what my hands have done than as so many have said before me, i have met my goal and have served as i desire.

if you and i spoke at the show regarding commissioned work please feel free to contact me. email me at catcollier@hotmail.com. i would love to fill my calendar with deadlines for the rest of the year and for the first six months of next year. if you're interested in completed work not seen at the clothesline show, i'd encourage you to visit my etsy shop. i promise i will be updating with new work and the paper quilt cards.

if you're interested in keeping up with clothesline remember we've got the blog and if you're an artist we spoke to about getting involved and or participating we will be intouch. i've got just a bit more catching up to do and then it'll be back to regular broadcasting efforts here at phantomcrimes.

i just started reading mason & dixon by thomas pynchon and dixon in a letter to mason ends by saying: "y'r o'b'd't s'v't"

that's sort of how i feel about right now, goodbye all. until tomorrow.

nobody girl

this past weekend i seriously accomplished the huge list of things i needed to. it's amazing what a deadline can do. it's even more amazing that i didn't have to work until last night. having had a whole lot of time, almost ninty six hours worth, to paint, print, package, hang, distribute, meet&discuss and recover all that i originally thought was lost in my head. when you have thought about something for so long and then it actually happens or gets close to happening, it can be a little overwhelming and boy oh boy what a relief.
i am super excited about what i have to share and show at clothesline and can't believe that we're about to do it all again. the second in my television trees (above) is a serious departure from my paper quilts, even from my previous trees, but all in all these are the trees i've been thinking about and feeling like lying underneath. and of course there's nothing about them that is symbolic, it's my personal interpretation on graffiti, on a soft world of graffiti that is.

on saturday i finally got to the printers and on sunday picked up sixty brand spankin new card sets of my six paper quilts. this go around i wanted to spruce them up a bit and am pleased as punch with their new rounded corners-ahhh and envelope seals!

on one hand i wish i could say that after clothesline i'd get a little bit of break but on the other hand, i'm eager to start the next in line project(s). my next "meet the deadline" is october first. i have in the recent months been asked by aaron robbs, lead singer/gituarist for coral castles to design:make the art for their newest album:ep. on sunday we had the opportunity to sit and and discuss, surf the www and speak openly on subjects of design, art, creativity and the like. i am thrilled to pieces about this and can barely contain my thoughts on this tip.
i think i mine as well just post about my next deadline. i'm hestitant because there all kinds of things that i have to do first, plus a publishers approval and all, but i'm excited and thought if i told you all about it you could keep me in your thoughts and "cross fingered" prayers.

i have been contacted by someone who would like me to submit my paper quilts for a diy book to be published at the beginning of next year. it is going to be a whole lot of work but i feel incredibly blessed to have this opportunity and to share it with my friends, family and readers here. it seems like it maybe an encouragement to you as you travel down your own creative paths. i will definitely keep you updated as i approach december one and january one of twothousandeight.
i've started my next to last piece for the clothesline show, pictured below and hope to have it completed by tonight or tomorrow. again what's with the rounded corners? this will be my third twilight trees (a warm colored one for the record books) and then a fourth (a cooler one in blues and greens and turqs) hopefully will be completed by thursday night-friday afternoon at the latest. unga.

i have no idea if i'm leaving something out or not. if it weren't for the holiday i think i might have gone bonkers. thanks labor day!

thinking about ryan adams, can you tell?

are you coming or not?

not impressed

i guess you guys weren't impressed enough. well then we'll leave it at that and move on. i worked at cvs this weekend and worked on this, my latest piece, television trees. i scribbled about on a piece of paper over at matt's house and came up with something along these lines. it pays to scribble or sketch. it's been my source of new material, as of late, that's for sure.

i am fairly pleased as pie with my television trees. i am going to start another one tonight, another, different rendition of sorts. and hopefully i'll get the little things i see wrong with this one, right with the next one. i almost like the photo better than the original. man oh man i just want to make art that looks like graffiti. but not so much like graffiti, you know? i have also been terribly inspired by josh bennett's piece, ninja life, let me remind you. do you see?

i am also super excited about the new news from my brother ethan and sis n law mary in regards to their official adoption of caleb b. collier. soon a new little nephew will be home. yeah yeah yeah!

i think other than that. i'm off.

fascination street:worthy of

yesterday i had every intention in the world at my fingertips. i began to write and got completely hung up on a day full of big things and small things. i rarely have an opportunity to share the real things the living parts of my life with any true depth. i often feel like phantomcrimes rides a wave, guided by an invisible force, a moon, that i don't feel attached to. a current or a pit of quiksand. it's funny how in the midst of a pile of work, art projects, and a pile of family, i have become the multitasker i never would've imagined i could be. fascinating, really. and honestly when it comes to grunt work, like folding and putting away laundry i can say any part of me that could multitask at that point, hides beneath the bed.

see, blogging for ethan and mary and caleb is really what i want to do. the daily updates, the joy in following their journey is something i wouldn't miss out on for the world. when i get to work in the mornings i almost immediately check my email for an update from kokshetau, KAZ. it takes a tedious amount of time to upload photos, copy, paste, edit, and moderate the comments. in the middle of it all, caleb b. collier! it is with a grateful heart that i blog for him. it is with an ever pressing reminder, a call to humility that i participate in this family life with two new baby boys (above). one sam and one liam. each a little pleasure. each a part of learning and wanting to multitask. i wouldn't know what to do if i were their mother, so happy to be their aunt.

clothesline is seriously creeping up on me. i mean seriously. and with clothesline comes a massive multitasking opportunity. last night i know i spent a straight hour on the telephone and that's nothing in comparison to the efforts of the other artists. aside from the work i am encouraged in our grassroot effort. clothesline has to be a constant reminder though, that learning is work, the challenge is contagious and sprinting to the finishline is something else i really want to do, would never trade it for a world of power. and with this venture, my ego might arise, so it's staying accountable and aware too, apart of multitasking the attitude. and last but not least there is the amount of art i'd like to have produced for the show. it will be nearly impossible for me to have ready, six pieces. as it stands i've got two completed.

mostly i want to make sure that you, the ones who are reading get to see, learn, be inspired by what i have found.

createhere: has found it's way into my forest of thought. i entered their bumper sticker contest as well. my offering: "where is all the graffiti?"
meaning: what the hell is wrong with throwing up a nice beautiful piece of wall art. who gives a ____ about gangs, i mean what gangs? the city government oughta learn something about the difference between a gangtag and piece of hi-q graf. i believe a city with zero record-effort of good clean current graffiti is a city that lacks appeal on a modern art level, where is the contemparary work of young urban artists? do you have what it takes to make or take photos of chattanooga's premier graffiti, if there is such a thing?

oh yeah, now i'm feeling it.

i want this and believe it or not it's going up for sale!!! and she's a teacher now. her words on the phone the night before last were so incredibly inspiring, more than a tear dropped, my jaw dropped. her words to her new highschool students, as close as i can come to remembering: i can't she's going to have to fill in the blanks for me.

anticipating the arrival of readymade in my mailbox!!! thanks a million mom!

okay so are you fascinated or inspired. i didn't have as much to say as i thought i might. oops.

wip:televison trees

in a nutshell:weekend(s)disorder

Twilight Trees II:i am not my own

it will take a miracle, a miracle beyond all. to the form or shape of what, i'm not so sure. to complete enough work for the upcoming clothesline show. in the mean time i have finally finished the second installment in a twilight trees series, which may have started here...or here. maybe i'm misgiven, it's less of a series and more like a forest i think and write about when describing all of the trees i have been painting. lately i have forgotten all about the grove of trees i have hanging at fitness together and can't imagine what they might all look like hanging out together. i suppose that if i'm unable to accomplish my goal of four more new pieces, i could show flea market:beehive tree and the freezing trees, but they're not so new, but they've not ever really been seen in a show/exhibit forum. one last thing, i'd like to have cards made of my paper quilt series. it's seriously all going to stretch me, mentally, physically, and probably financially, and artistically yes, but it is growth after all. yikes!

in the eye of my small little storm. i'm realizing how little i am my own at this point. it's how the tide has turned and i am more of my art than my art is apart of me. it is living and breathing, sleeping and eating my art. it's about being emotionally tied up, bound to sleepless nights of planning and rehearsing the hours and days to come. and i need to be thinking about my health too? goodness. i believe it will all be alright. it will all come together in the end. until then i'll keep you afoot of the details. and please think of coming out to our show in september. it has been a thrill to see how all of the lose ends are coming together and i'd be so happy to see each of you there. thanks a mil:)

.who.is.missing.

of course i think the little man who's missing from the photograph, taken on july fourth, is my new little nephew, caleb and of course he continues to be on my mind all of time. when i'm not thinking about my brother and sister in kazakhstan, i have been of course keeping myself extremely busy.
i happened to get the little vanilla cupcakes from rembrandt's and yes i did get to eat one. and it was delicious.

that's it for today.

off the charts

for a year and a half my brother and his wife have been working tirelessly toward adopting a little boy from kazakhstan. you may remember my mention and having to keep many of the details top secret. until of course this past sunday when they finally flew out of atlanta to kokshetau via amsterdam and almaty. these last few days have been overwhelming and exciting not only for ethan and mary but for me and my entire family, and the host of friends we all have. before leaving, mary and i discussed the details of communication and fortunately the possibilities of blogging. basically, i have been over here. kaz is almost twelve hours ahead of me, here in the eastern time zone, so as i am getting to work in the morning, ethan and mary are writing:emailing me a blog post that i can then share with the rest of the community of family and friends here.

i would not have it any other way. this ability to correspond and share with all of you is full of love and i keep thinking of grace and humility. it keeps my brother and mary and i close to all of us. and for the first time in our lives we're laying eyes on this little boy, their son, their passion.

so i maybe just a little bit absent from phantomcrimes. of course i will attempt to update on complete artworks, answering emails, and all sorts of other things. thank you so much for all of your love and understanding.

we three:cupcakes

.up.to.no.good.

two a.m. rolled around and you'd think i would have had enough sense to lay the paint and brushes down. i just couldn't help myself. knowing and feeling the mad dash crunch is all it takes. the late nights haven't seen the last of me. unfortunately i have only a few more last touches to put on my spacetree painting, but i'm stonecold out of motivation for the finishline. it was dragging me down so i decided over the weekend to pick up a new canvas and after some foundational sketching i started a new perspective:rendition on the twilight trees. it's my remixed version. *with the spacetree painting i intended all along to recycle a previous painting. i meant to leave the seagulls and the majority of bluesky, but i continue to struggle. i have the smaller circles in the trees to paint. i'm leaning between an orange red or a lighter green. i also am leaning toward applying a tad more paper to the piece, but i'm uncertain about it all and know i probably won't be showing the spacetree piece in the upcoming clothesline show. i'd rather have it hanging at fitness together with the rest of my growing forest.

twilight will make an unseemly sorching hot or frigidly freezing day feel redemptively magical. at the close, a comforting quiet and coming together of all that the day held in ups and downs. twilight illustrates a time when starlings fly in unison above my city and collect themselves simultaneously on highwires. a small moment of deepening bluesky and some slight breeze, i can breath. i'm not saying i can even come close to painting what i invision twilight to be. my trees aren't really the trees i see on a daily basis, but they warm me, or at least my heart. i still struggle inbetween twilights fantasy and it's alterego, reality. the reality of it all is that i hope above all that something inside of me comes out on the canvas and warms other people's hearts. i know my style is off and cursive in nature, i know my lines are crooked, but they are purpose driven as all of twilight reaches out for darkness and the silence of night.

sometimes i feel like i beg for attention, i struggle with phantomcrimes and hide what i really want and that is recognition. foolish and corrupt as it may seem it is true that i wish to be discovered and that i want my art to find it's way into the minds, homes, and thoughts of little children who want someday to make art. i would love to see my art in beautiful/decay or juxtapoz or my local but now chicago based mule. and inbetween these thoughts i am struck, as if with a fly swatter, that there is a beautiful community of women artists here in my city, my friends, who have lifted my spirits and pushed me further. and i am reminded of how they are my audience, a small part of a larger community, but still. and thankfulness for this "clothesline" community is really all that i need. afterall if i had any more than what i've got i'd have to quit my jobs and begin to live in an art world. a world of many too many 2 a.m. nights of artmaking. alas, it isn't that time yet in my life. if that time came i'd be just as scared, so i'm left in peace about what my responsibilty truly is, it's to share and hopefully gain some perspective with phantomcrimes, here. i'm off to up to no good:)

underneath:belief

words can feel like combinations of symbols that often times barely scrape by, defining little physicality or emotion. an understated disclaimer of how meager my words feel when i am writing them out. desperately searching word after word for relevance, truth and mostly purity. so if i say i had a fairly nice weekend, i myself am bored with the phrase. in regards to the real deal, the underneath it all sort of stuff, it is going to have to playout.

one thought repeats itself over and over in my mind. a tentative nagging. to say we saw ethan and mary off to kazakhstan isn't all that true. honestly i wish that i had told them each how much i love them. and now i am wondering, have they made it, are they making it alright, are they safe, excited, scared? are they homesick already, do they miss us? i know i am missing them so soon, already, yes. on saturday evening i made my way to their home and literally folded ethan's shirts for him. it's not like he is gone eternally, two months might go by and i might not seem him anyway, even with the both of us in one city. but he's on the other side of the world now and even if i wanted to i couldn't get to him. laurie and i helped mary pack gifts for caleb's caretakers, nurses, and doctors. we packed caleb's little clothes and socks and toys. we packed medicine and a even a baby bjorn. i helped pack their shampoo, soap, and shoes, and still i feel like maybe i should have hung out just a little longer.

my belief; and to say the least i'm excited and overflowing with anticipation. i can't wait for the first email from mary. my joy is hope. can't wait-ing to see caleb's face for the very first time in september. unga!!! i can't wait to begin posting news, at: calebtochatt.

in order: any foundational drawing here is for the sake of new art. trees are on the horizon. new trees. and a friend of mary's gave her a book that she had published with blurb. i'm thinking i might have a book:portfolio made, or i could use flickr's qoop.
peace.

barely wip&flickr stickers

on one hand this week has absolutely flown by. my bicycle injuries are healing more quickly than i thought they would. my emotional monday and tuesday feel like weeks ago. two days on sunday, mary and ethan are leaving for Kazakhstan to get Caleb. in a mind boggle: a year and a half ago we thought it would take this day forever to get here. any ebb in time has now dissipated and we will all be trying to catch up, stay close, and in touch with one another as time plasters and propells us forward in this new family adventure. we are fortunate and grateful and i for one know the value of time in these moments. it is everything.
up until yesterday i had been becoming increasingly worried that time seemed to take it's time when it came to the delivery of my flickr mini moo sticker book. and then in my box in a white envelope they appeared. a minor important pick me up of inspiration. and now i have no idea exactly what i will do with them. i think i will have new cards made of the paper quilt collage series to sell at our september clothesline show. i may just use the stickers as an envelope seal sort of thing. it's not that important. just 9.99 for an assortment of 90 stickers, that's all.
and of course my weekend plans and project ideas are piling up only because i am inches away from finishing my spacetrees:eyeball flowers piece. wanting to move on and forward. as you can see i've stretched a canvas and the tissue paper is going down with modpodge. the next and first for the clothesline show. i want to have a lot to show and tell by next week. wish me motivation and a plentiful wealthy about of minutes and hours.


if you'd like to know more about kasakhstan check it!!!
have a very nice weekend friends. take advantage of the time and benefit. more love.

in the bag

you are seeing for the first time my beachtrip traveling, packing, and dispersing ways. i am so sure this is exactly what everyone needed, whether for a difference, a laugh, scoff, or for the crazy ridiculous shock value of it all. it's just i almost always have to have the closet space instead of drawers. i don't know why but i barely had to unpack this time. and i washed all of my clothing before coming back, as a matter of fact, my bag is still lying on the floor of my apartment, barely unpacked. what is with me?

last night all night i painted and tonight all night until nine at least i will be at the rx. and hopefully maybe by thrusday night my elbow which is bothering me the most at this point will have healed enough for me to beable to ride again.

friday night i am going to work again. but saturday and sunday are free days. i am keeping my mind on those two days. by that time i might be starting some fresh new art collage painting art. *my brother ethan and my sis n law mary are leaving on saturday for a month, to go and get little caleb. i have been and will be thinking of them mostly all of the time. as a family we gathered this past sunday, to celebrate the july birthday's, it was a somber sort of day in a good way. we all seemed tired and a little weepy with thoughts of caleb so so far away from us, waiting on his parents to come and get him. honestly i have been quite emotional lately and can't seem to shake the lake of tears that have overflowed the last two evenings.

i have these periods of release, thinking of how little i actually do keep things together. it's weird how often i don't feel capable, but plan to fake ability and responsibility. i am here at work, aren't i? and other than the usual stuff like letting the laundry pile up. i'm only about a week behind on the other kinds of things. again bills must be paid, tags and registration must be claimed, art to art, clothesline, friends, family, reading, book club, seeking advice, praying. i doubt seriously that i have anything in the bag except my leftover travels. seashells and cockleshells...that's what little girls are made of.